by L. T. Varner
I just stood up and looked at Collin and Daniel, returning their dirty looks as I went into my office. I sat down and started looking for my phone charger, moving things on my desk around and opening drawers. I saw the painkillers from the last time I had stitches and just stared at them. My mind reminded me of the peace they brought. I closed the drawer when they both came in and sat down.
“How long do you plan on staying?” I asked, hearing the spiteful tone in my voice.
Daniel was quick to say, “A day or two.”
I had such a strong need to feel numb, but yet the idea of hanging out with them was great, too. I told them that I had to work tomorrow.
Collin looked at me and asked, “Do you need to work? I think you should take it easy for a couple of days.”
Collin just watched me as I noticed his eyes go between me and the drawer handle I was still holding. I knew he wasn’t as easily fooled like everybody else.
Daniel went downstairs to get a head start on picking out a movie, and I went to the kitchen to get a bottle of water, hopefully, to down a few painkillers. Collin grabbed my arm as I tried to leave the kitchen to go back to my office.
“What are you looking for, Danni?” Collin asked very close to me.
“I have a headache.”
He placed two ibuprofen on the counter and said, “This will do. This is the strongest thing in the house, now.”
Instantly I knew he had found the painkillers and more than likely got rid of them. His phone started ringing. He looked at it and sighed as he walked toward my office, shutting the door behind him.
I went downstairs after taking the Tylenol, and Daniel asked, “Where is Collin?”
“He got a call and took it in my office,” I answered, sitting down by him.
“Great,” Daniel said in an annoyed voice.
“Everything okay?”
“Just don’t be surprised if he’s in a bad mood the rest of the night.”
“Why?” I asked.
Daniel just said, “Because apparently that is what a fiancée does to you.”
I hated being reminded that he had a fiancée. I would have been happy never having learned that detail.
Ten minutes later, sure enough, Collin came downstairs and looked pissed off, sitting on the opposite end of the couch. I grabbed a blanket, cuddled up, and didn’t even bother to ask what we were watching. I was more interested in what the phone call was about.
Daniel had picked a romantic movie. I thought he was more suspense or sports guy. I wasn’t watching the movie anyway. I hated romance flicks. They never appeared real to me, so I fell asleep.
All of a sudden I was sitting up yelling, “Don’t touch me again!”
As I realized what the hell was happening, Collin and Daniel were watching me. Stupid damn nightmares. Just once let me sleep without hearing their stupid voices or the mental pictures—just once.
It was too real. I was going to be sick, and I ran upstairs to my bathroom and slammed the door behind me. Barely making it to the toilet in time, I lost my dinner. I lay down on the cold wood floor hoping that would cool me off. I stayed there a while before I heard a knock on the door.
Collin asked, “Can I come in?”
I was about to say no when he came in anyway. I just lay there on the floor as he sat on the edge of the tub.
“I am not going to ask if you are okay, it’s clear that you are not,” he said, reaching out to grab my hands to pull me up.
I took a minute to brush my teeth and put myself back together before entering my room, where he was already lying on the bed. I lay down facing him.
“What the hell is wrong with me?”
“Nothing is wrong with you. Just a crappy situation you’re in,” he said, pulling me closer to him, so I was right up against his body with my head buried in his neck.
We lay there just holding onto each other for many quiet moments. My arm started to fall asleep as I turned over. He cuddled up next to me with his arms still around me and kissed me on the shoulder.
“You want to talk about what really happened?”
I said no, but found myself telling him every detail anyway. He just lay there listening to me.
After an extended period of silence, he said, “Turn over and face me. I want to tell you something.”
I turned, and he just stared at me with a look of confusion on his face. He moved closer to me, propping himself up on his elbow. He looked at me for what felt like forever and then he put his hand on my cheek. Slowly he leaned closer to me and kissed me. A tingling sensation ran through every part of my body. I had never felt a kiss like this before. I couldn’t stop myself from kissing him back, and I put my arms around him, pulling him closer to me. I wanted every part of him, every second of his attention for the rest of my life.
He moved so he was lying on top of me, and I wrapped my legs around him. He was pulling my shirt off as I started pulling his off. Suddenly he pulled back and was standing at the foot of the bed with his hands on his head.
“We can’t do this,” he stood there breathless for a beat, before quickly leaving the room and slamming the door behind him.
I sat up wondering what had just happened. I don’t have those kinds of feelings for Collin. He’s just a friend. Then I had a moment of clarity.
“Well, hell, I finally get it,” I mumbled, realizing I had been lying to myself all along. No, he can’t possibly feel that way about me. He is getting married for Christ’s sake. I don’t do serious, never have. I don’t want any of this—ever. I stayed in the room, deciding that would probably be a good idea for the night.
The next morning there was a knock on my bedroom door. Hoping to hear Collin’s voice, I instead heard Daniel saying he was coming in. He came in and sat on the bed, and I knew he had already figured it all out.
“We have to get back home. Will you be okay alone?”
“Daniel, I’ll be just fine. Thank you for coming to help me out. I appreciate it, sweet boy,” I said, holding his hand.
“I’ll call when we get home. You better text me back this time, or I will be back again, I swear,” he said, laughing as he always did.
“Daniel,” I said, as he was walking out the door, “I get it now.”
He came back and hugged me and said, “I knew you would eventually.”
Chapter 14
Final Card?
I had gotten pretty lucky over the next month with the assault not going much further than the local news. Mike was mad at me for a couple of days because I hadn’t called him when it happened. Business was busy at the bar, and our band played every weekend. I was okay with that because it gave me less time to think about the whole Collin thing. A month had gone by, and Daniel and I talked almost every day, but nothing was brought up about Collin. The schoolhouse was on track to being finished in May, and I couldn’t wait. Mark had officially moved in with us, and the house became tiny.
I told Mike of the incident with Collin and how I finally “got it.” We talked about it incessantly, the good and the bad. In the end, I decided it was best just to let it go considering Collin was getting married this summer. I caught a couple of the band’s appearances on television. Collin was saying he was excited to get married, and he was lucky to have such a great woman in his life, which made me want to throw up.
One afternoon, while I was at the schoolhouse talking to the contractor, my dad showed up. I gave him a tour of everything that was getting completed, and I saved the gym for last. He was impressed. We had also talked about a few details about Collin. He mentioned he could tell there was some tension between us.
“What’s up, Dad?” I asked, wondering why he seemed to be looking everywhere but at me after his comment about Collin.
“I was wondering if we could use the gym to shoot the new music video.”
I answered quickly, “You know you can. You don’t have to ask me.”
He looked at me for a minute finally saying, “It isn’t that easy, baby g
irl. It’s the music video for the song we’ve been working on with Collin’s band. They’re going to be in it as well. Is that a problem for you?”
I looked at the floor as my heart dropped into my stomach and I grumbled, “No, Dad, it won’t be a problem.”
“Good. We’re going to do it in two weeks. They’ll be here for four days at the most. I’ll have them just park here at the bus barn. We have power out there now, so they can stay there.”
I thought maybe a nice trip to Hawaii during their visit would be a good idea for me, but unfortunately, I remembered I had to play that weekend, so I had no choice but to try to avoid them at all costs.
Over the next couple days, Mike convinced me to do some shopping for clothes, which was never something I enjoyed. I couldn’t remember the last time I had bought anything other than T-shirts, jeans, or sneakers. I was starting to think he was more concerned about how I looked than I was. He was picking out bras and underwear for me, too, this was new. Typically, he stayed out of this store saying that, in this department, I was on my own.
“Why are you doing all this?” I asked, watching in shock at the lingerie he was choosing for me.
“Just because you and Collin didn’t work out is no reason not to make him see what he’s missing,” he said, giving me a big cheesy grin.
I found myself completely on board with his plan, and I started picking out more racy underwear.
A week later I lay in bed waking up, trying to answer Daniel’s text:
Daniel: I am excited to hang out with you, boobless.
I hope we can have dinner or something.
I need to ask you a question.
I was eager to see him, as well, even though his new little nickname for me irritated the hell out of me.
Me: I’m glad we get to hang out.
Yes, dinner can be arranged.
Stop calling me boobless, you little shit!
Mike jumped in the middle of my bed, taking my phone as he started reading the messages, too.
“I have bad news for you, Boobless. They’ll be here tonight and Rick’s wife, and Steph are with them. Sorry, Daniel told me earlier.”
“Stop calling me that! It’s mean and could really affect my self-esteem,” I said, trying to contain my laughter as I pried my phone out of Mike’s hand. He burst out laughing.
I thought about just staying at home, but in the end, I decided I wanted to see Daniel. My dad is purposely scheduling them to do the video at night. It would keep them away from the bar, and I had thanked him a couple of times for that.
After deciding to make the best of it, I got dressed in the new clothes Mike had picked out for me. Deciding on the red button-up shirt with bar logos all over it, I made sure to leave it undone enough to see the top of my lacey black bra. I put much more effort into my hair and make-up than I had all year. When I left for the bar, I felt as good about myself as I did the night when we had gone clubbing.
We had just started our second set of the night when I noticed all of them walk in. I was instantly furious that Dad hadn’t kept them away. I worked hard to concentrate on the music, but seeing Collin with his arms around his fiancée made me want to disappear.
Leave it up to Daniel: he started yelling, “Danni, you rock,” as he waved at me. I couldn’t help but laugh at him since he was messing up my backup vocals.
The next song was the one I always liked to show off with whenever we played. It went over so well, just as it had many times in the past. Screaming guitars and sex innuendos had the crowd’s attention. I was doing everything not to look at Collin and his group. I noticed Mike standing by the stage watching me; by the look on his face, I could tell something wasn’t right. After a song had ended, I moved over to the side of the stage as he climbed up.
“You’re needed in the office,” he said, as he leaned into my ear.
“Okay, let me finish first and I will go in there. Why? What’s up?” I asked, not at all comfortable with the way he was shaking.
“Danni, please just meet me in the office after this set, okay?”
I nodded at him as we both went our separate ways. Everything was flowing perfectly with the house band tonight. We had never sounded better when we ended the second encore. As Kendrick and I were laughing at some drunk guy trying to ask me out, I heard Mike whistle from the bar.
I walked behind the bar as he said, “Those two gentlemen are here to talk to you.” He was pointing over by my dad.
I saw the two detectives in suits and instantly recognized them. After all, I had a collection of their cards. Why the fuck are they here now? I made my way over to the reserved table where Dad sat with Collin and his group. The only way to talk to the detectives was to stand in front of Collin as he watched carefully. The music was loud so it wouldn’t be easy for them to hear us anyway as I waved at Daniel as I walked up, as well.
The older detective said, “Hi, Danni. Can we have a few words with you?” He handed me yet another one of their business cards.
“I told you I would call if I remembered anything new. Why are you here when I’m working?” I asked, as my anger was starting to surface. I felt a hand wrap around my arm, and I knew it was Mike trying to calm me.
“Is there somewhere we could go and talk privately for a moment?”
I motioned that my office was down the hallway. I laid the card down on the table and slid it toward my dad. He got up to follow as Collin picked up the card. I think the look on my face must have said everything because the mood changed completely around the table.
I followed them into my office and shut the door. They took a seat where Mike pointed to the couch, and I sat in my chair behind my desk. It was hard to breathe as everything was moving in slow motion and the office became so small. Dad gripped my shoulder as he stood to my right and I leaned into him. Mike pulled up a chair on my left and grasped my hand.
The older detective said, “We are here to talk to you about both of your assault cases.”
I was paralyzed, unable to breathe, realizing they must have put together what happened last month.
“We caught a break and possibly have the man in custody. We found your clothes from the night of the sexual assault. Also, we found your purse, laptop, and the bank bag.”
I tried to move toward the door, but Dad and Mike held me in my seat.
“Do you know this man?” The younger detective asked as he put a mugshot on my desk and slid it toward me.
It took me a minute for my eyes to focus as I gripped both Mike and Dad’s hands. I didn’t have a face to go with the voice before, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to put one with it now. I didn’t want it in my nightmares. I finally looked at his picture and let out a gasp: I did recognize the guy.
Quietly I said, “He’s one of our regular customers. He was one of the two men I kicked out early on Thanksgiving.”
I sat back in my chair and started hyperventilating. I knew him. I’ve waited on him so many times. He was always nice to me; why would he want to hurt me? The dirty mechanic’s shirt he always wore had his name stitched on the left breast pocket: Thom. I sat forward in my chair and put my head between my legs in an attempt to calm down and breathe. No one said anything for a couple of minutes.
Finally, the detectives talked more to Mike since he recognized him, too. I don’t think I heard anything more they said. Dad was squatting in front of me moving his hands up and down my arms as he told me to take deep breaths.
“We need both of you to come to the station tomorrow, and sign statements stating this is, in fact, him. Danni, we need you to accurately identify him as the man that sexually assaulted you, but you have to be certain,” the older detective said as Mike leaped out of his seat, losing his temper as the chair hit the wall.
“We will be there, and I’m sure she is certain who raped her!”
“Mike, sit down now! They are just doing their job,” Dad yelled loud enough to get the attention of some people outside the office.
After
Dad walked out with the detectives, Mike and I just sat there in silence, unsure what to do next. Finally, it just became too much. I had no choice. I had to find my numb. I walked out of the office and headed to the storage room to find a bottle of whiskey to crawl into. Mike didn’t move, and I wondered if he was in shock.
Dad grabbed my arm and asked, “Baby girl, what are you doing?”
I pulled my arm back and yelled, “Who gives a shit what I do? I can’t do this. I won’t do this!”
I had gone from feeling pretty good about myself to being destroyed in a matter of twenty minutes. It was like my mind couldn’t get the words of the detectives out of my head, and they were stuck on repeat. Dad let me go as I entered the storage room and locked the door behind me. With my back to the door, I slid down to the floor, feeling like I was breaking into a million little pieces. I won’t do this again; I won’t. I pulled my phone from my pocket and sent a text to the one person who could make it all stop.
Me: I need you. I need it to stop!
James: On my way.
Twenty minutes later, as I walked into my office with my bottle of opened whiskey, I glanced over to my dad’s table. I saw them all still sitting there, and it pissed me off even more.
“I’m here. I will make it all go away, beautiful,” James said as he slid up behind me and put his arms around my waist.
I smiled and raised the bottle toward James. He gladly took it. Perfect, I thought. My night was about to get a lot better. I also noticed that my dad, Collin, Mike, and Daniel were watching me. They all looked mad seeing James with me. He took my hand and pulled me to the middle of the dance floor, making it harder to be watched.
Pulling me close to him, he said, “I was glad to hear from you. I missed you.”
I quickly asked, “Why didn’t you call me?”
“I was under the impression that that guy over there,” he pointed to Collin, “is your new man.”
“Oh, hell no, that is not at all the case,” I said as I wrapped my arms around his neck and he put his hands on my lower back, pulling me closer to him.
“Where is Amber?”