by Leanne Davis
I tilt my head. “Do you want to see me? Even a little?”
The smallest smile touches her lips. She glances around as if to see if anyone is listening and shakes her head. “Damn it, Jacey Walker. I wanted to take you under my wing and fight for you. I wanted only the best for you. You’re kind and smart and lovely. That was almost ruined by your mother who never should have been allowed near you. That’s the honest truth. And I had to let you go because that’s my job, but you weren’t wrong. You were one of the few patients that went beyond this office for me. I had a hell of a time keeping my client-patient professionalism with you.”
I sit back, floored by her admission. I didn’t expect that. “I had no idea.”
She shakes her head. “You did too. That’s why you’re here. I’m glad you paid your mom off. Now tell me about Wyatt.”
“And the Kincaids… and my job… and oh! I started college, too, and I read Crime and Punishment and I… I liked it.”
She laughs out loud. “Okay. Let’s start with the book. Tell me what you thought of that book and we’ll work our way backwards.”
I took a chance showing up here unannounced and knowing she’d hate that. She’s big on professionalism. It’s why she worked so well for me. I respect her. She showed me a different way to live and think. She caught me on the cusp of me deciding my life path, when I was deciding which road to take, the good or the bad. Did I follow my mother’s path or blaze my own? The path I chose started out bumpy, with plenty of road blocks, detours, potholes, and obstacles. I could have continued down it as is or as Rachel showed me, I could leave the path and go in the opposite direction or try something completely new. Yeah, I wasn’t sure what to do or how to do it, but I wanted to learn and get better, and that’s what this last year brought to me.
I don’t need to see Rachel. I want to see her.
She’s a crossing guard on my path of well-being. One that is highly selective and very effective for me. But she’s not my mother or her replacement. She’s also not my friend. Or my teacher or even my mentor. She’s my counselor and therapist. I think I finally can understand that.
My friends are Wesley and Dani. They could be replacements for my parental figures and so could the Kincaids. But that’s a long way down the road. I have trust issues with some adults that even extend to the Kincaids. But there is an opening in my heart, and I wonder if someday perhaps they could be parental replacements. And that’s pretty huge for me.
And Wyatt?
He’s everything I never had. My friend, supporter, partner, sexual lover, and romantic fantasy. But mostly, I consider him my very best friend. He changed the entire script for the role of the man I want in my life.
This trip to my past was upsetting. Unsettling. A terrible reminder of what used to be, the shattered hopes and dreams that were ruthlessly extracted from me.
It never got any better, and I never got used to that awful feeling. I now understand that I don’t want to get used to that feeling. Life is so much more than just survival.
If someone can’t enrich or improve my life, I don’t need them in it. Just because my mother is my biological mother, it doesn’t mean she can let her constant toxicity ruin me. It took a long time to comprehend that. When Bobby strangled me, I saw a physical and brutal representation of what toxicity in other people could do. In that one moment, I knew: I don’t want this.
I don’t want to live with the knowledge that my day could end like this. I don’t want people who could really or metaphorically strangle me. I don’t want the kind of love that could hurt me. Ever. In anyway. I want much more. I deserve more.
I ran to Wesley to find a new starting place. He was of a higher caliber than most people I know, even if he was raised the same way that I was. Perhaps his superior intelligence allowed him to rise above what he saw all around him. Perhaps his inspiration rubbed off on me and made me think about a better life. Maybe I’ve gained enough intelligence to know for a fact that Wesley is a genius.
But for the first time, today fills me with pride. My glowing pride is nearly bursting my chest open. My heart feels so big and strong. I said no to my mother, and I walked away. I found the right path and I chose to take it.
I finish my conversation with Rachel and leave her office. There are no hugs goodbye, just a formal handshake and the promise of seeing me in two Saturdays. She does, however, hold my hand for a second and blinks longer than usual. I don’t miss Rachel’s subtle but formal message that I take as proof that she does want to see me and she’s glad I showed up even if it is unannounced like this.
Smiling, I start down the stairs towards the front doors that lead into the office building where she works. It’s quiet inside. Sunlight fills the space and illuminates the dust balls which seem to float suspended overhead as I glance up towards the sky. My entire body feels full and warm.
It’s a new experience for me. Brand new.
Never before have I left my mother with a better sense of well-being. And for once, it’s because of me, not her. I feel like I’m floating as I open the door and step outside. It’s still cold but the winter sun vanquishes the light rain and I feel glorious. The day matches my mood, maybe even my life. I need to find a bus schedule. Now that the imaginary crisis of my mother is past, I cringe as I realize I’ll miss Wyatt’s game. Regret stabs my heart, but it’s not enough to ruin my good mood. I don’t have excellent moods like this very often. I rarely feel like skipping down the sidewalk and singing about my actions. Or my decisions. But I do so right now.
I step out, hitching my bag up higher on my shoulder and turn to head across the parking lot. I spot the closest bus station when I stop dead. A white sedan parks, and three figures are getting out of it: Dani, Wesley, and Wyatt.
My mouth drops open, my heart rate accelerates. Joy, surprise, pleasure, and some shyness explode through me. They came after me. In a second, it all clicks. They followed my phone with the friends and family network app. They probably went to my mom’s first and then came here.
But what about Wyatt’s game? Instantly, that realization takes all my pleasure away, and it withers in my chest as my mouth hangs open and my eyes widen. He’s missing the most important game. Hell, the most important day of his life. It could set him up with a future in football or just the glory and name recognition associated with winning. And I’ve messed it all up for him. I almost crumple on the ground. This was meant to be a day of clarification—either I would fall into my mother’s trap again or liberate myself. The chaos and my selfishness, and as usual, my failure to think through my actions, have spilled over onto the one person I never wanted it to. I didn’t want Wyatt to realize how toxic I could be. The harm I could do. And I’ve done it now. I’ve harmed him.
I stand there, my head dropping while my stomach flutters. The sound of stomping fills my ears, and he suddenly appears there. Right there. He ran across the parking lot with his arms stretched out as he got closer. He grabs me and pulls me against his chest. We cling to each other. His powerful arms embrace me, but he checks his strength as only Wyatt ever does with me. He’s protecting me, adoring me, caring for me. Not strong-arming me, controlling me, or hurting me.
What a difference.
He buries his face into the crook of my shoulder and loops his arms around me to meet behind my back. He rubs his hands up and down and just clings to me. I have no words. Why he’s here or what he thinks I’m doing here don’t matter, and I cling right back to him, letting his wide chest and body envelop me. It occurs to me this might be the first time in my life I’ve ever felt completely safe. After being mentally and emotionally liberated, it’s even better when combined with the safety and protection of the one you care for.
He pushes back so he can put his hands on my face. He cups my cheeks and his gaze scours my face. His big, brown eyes grow huge with worry, relief, and caring. He seems to be memorizing my features. “I love you. I should have said that before. I should have shouted it. I should have made sure
you understood that the game and the school and your past, and mine, are nothing compared to the love I feel for you.”
His words are heartfelt, and his tone is quiet and sincere. Calm and commanding. He means it. Every word of it.
“I didn’t run away to push you into saying that. My mother—”
“I met her. I saw her. I don’t care.” His gaze flickers up behind me. “I don’t care why you’re here. My heart shriveled with fear that you could be hurt before we found you. Now that you’re not, you’re safe and here and present, I don’t care about anything that occurred before now.”
I tilt my head. “What do you think I’m doing here?”
His hands flinch as they gently touch my cheeks and he keeps his composure. “Wesley said Bobby lived around here. This address… although the buildings don’t match… but the… Whatever you did here is your business. We, you and I, start now. Right now.”
I set my hands over his and close my eyes for a brief second. I want to soak in the magnitude and intent behind Wyatt’s words. He was worried I ran back to Bobby. And what? Just had sex with the dolt? The fear for my safety that gleams in his eyes now seems starkly understandable to me. But hearing he thinks I could cheat on him so easily irritates me like a burr in my armpit.
He says it doesn’t matter. Going forward is all that matters.
I smile and run my hands along the outside of his arms. So strong and graceful and powerful and capable. I still have a hard time believing this male package of beauty, integrity, kindness and heart, wants me. And would surely forgive me for anything.
So what if he still has some work to do before he trusts me?
“This is Rachel’s office.”
His entire face reveals clueless confusion. “Rachel’s office?”
Holding a breath he sucked in, his eyes fill with concern, and he squints. His brow wrinkles, and I start to giggle as I throw my arms around his neck. I bury my face next to his collarbone and feel his surprise and hesitation until his arms wrap around me. “She’s my therapist, you idiot. I didn’t come here to fuck Bobby or run back and see if he’d strangle me again. I came to arrange for bi-monthly appointments with my therapist. Exactly so I’d never again do any of those things that I used to do.”
His body reacts with a jerk and he straightens his spine. His gaze keeps studying my face. “Really?”
“Yes. I said hasta la vista to my narcissistic, harmful mother and came here to continue my therapy appointments with Rachel. I am paying for them now, so no one can take her away from me this time.”
“You… you…” He’s tongue-tied. Wesley and Dani come into view over his shoulder and stare at us, holding hands, their faces curious.
I can’t help it—I start to giggle, then laugh. I have to let go when I start belly-laughing and bending over as tears stream from my face. Mirthful, glorious, cathartic tears.
“What the hell’s going on?” Wesley asks as he comes up behind Wyatt, who is facing me and frowning. They must think I’ve lost my mind.
I press the back of my hand on my mouth. “What an anti-climactic ending to a friend’s journey across half a state to save another friend. First in my mother’s motel room, the woman I already ditched and… and… then here, where I was making an appointment with my counselor.”
“This is Rachel’s office?” Wesley asks, tilting his head. He is frowning with confusion and surprise. He probably expected a terrible reaction and negative results since he knows I have a problem with impulse control.
“Yep. She upgraded since the last time I saw her. She seemed glad I came. Congratulated me on my healthy departure from my mother and agreed to see me because I can now pay her for her services and… yeah, I guess that’s it.”
Dani presses her lips together to repress a laugh. “We thought…”
“I was on a suicide mission to destroy myself and all of my former relationships and you guys planned to swoop in here and save me?”
Dani glances to Wesley, and Wyatt shuffles his feet. Dani nods. “That’s exactly what we were going to do.”
I can’t resist the urge to launch myself at Dani and Wesley before drawing them into a bear hug. “Wyatt get over here.”
Without any reservations, I hug my three best friends. The four of us are the family I’ve never had and always longed for. “I love you guys for coming here to do that. I love just knowing that you would and also that you’d forgive me if I were doing that.”
“You’re not mad at us?” Wyatt asks, his gaze holding mine across the circle.
“I thought about it a second before I realized how happy I am. First, I have a good boyfriend and best friends who always notice when I’m gone. No one else has ever noticed me before if I disappeared. Second, you all came after me without a moment’s thought or hesitation, and third, you would have forgiven me and helped me no matter what you found here. So, hell no. I’m not mad. I’m touched. I feel loved, and for the first time, I’m not a disappointment. I surprised you guys in a positive way, and that is so new for me. I want to keep doing that. It feels so much better than doing something bad.”
“Even if we doubted you?”
I snicker. “How could you not? You’re only human. I came to you with bruises on my neck only six months ago. I may have done a one-eighty as far as changes go, but it might take a while for people to trust me.”
Dani squeezes my hand. We loosen our hug. Wesley’s eyes gleam with approval, and Wyatt stares at me, unsure but brimming with something new for me: pride.
“Wait a minute. What about the game?”
“I had to find you first.”
“You found me. Let’s go! If Dani speeds through every light, we might just make it.”
Wyatt stares at me, his mouth dropping open for a moment as Dani and Wesley suddenly turn to run for the car. Wyatt grabs my hand and holds me back, bringing me closer to him.
“We have to go!”
I’m laughing and crying as my heart lifts and sings. Wyatt’s gaze on me is the reason for it.
“I’d miss any game for you.” He leans down and squeezes my biceps as he pulls me up onto my tiptoes, and his lips meet mine. He doesn’t kiss softly. He crushes my mouth to his and engulfs me in a fervor of passion and hunger. He nearly devours me with his love. I lift my arms to circle his neck, and he dips me back and kisses me harder.
Wyatt lifts his gaze and studies me. All the love I was denied as a child and young woman, seem to reside now in him. “I love you.”
I smile and lift my hand to touch his mouth. “I love you, too, Wyatt. But do you know what the best part is? You showed me how to love a man the right way. You don’t have to miss your game either. You can have your life, your ambition, your talents and goals and we can still have us. I promise.”
His face explodes into a huge grin as he suddenly clasps me close to him and lets out a loud shout of, “Hell, yeah!”
Then he grabs my hand, pulling me towards the car.
As I duck into the car and buckle my seatbelt, Dani’s all but burning rubber. I glance at Rachel’s office and yeah, I see her head peeking out the window, and she’s grinning at me. Rachel is freaking grinning. She gives me a little nod and turns back to her work.
That nod. It means my life is doctor-approved, and it doesn’t suck. I don’t suck, and I can finally trust my own judgment. The man I choose to love. And most of all, I can look at the love I found and be proud of myself for recognizing it.
Wyatt’s so late.
But he makes the game. The crowd is already roaring in the stands. Thousands cheer and stomp their feet. I can feel it rumbling through my body as Dani’s car lurches to a stop right in front of the entrance to the locker rooms. We jump out. Wyatt’s grinning as he grabs me in a huge hug and kiss. With a brilliant smile, he winks and says, “Wish me luck.”
He doesn’t need it. He’s confident, primed, and ready for this. I just grin back and shove his arm. “Go. Before you miss the whole game.”
He salut
es me and takes off. I stand there watching him disappear while hugging my arms to my chest and a new sense of joy fills my body. I never foresaw such a moment happening for me. My friends followed me, ready to help me, save me, support me, or do whatever was necessary. Who knew I could have friends like that? I said goodbye to a mother who was never my mother. Blood never made it real. A whole lot happened on this day. I surrender to an overwhelming need to analyze it all. I’m flooded by good feelings and strange ones. Having climbed this critical mountain, I can stare out at the view in breathtaking wonder, except now the exhaustion from the climb to get here is starting to overwhelm me.
An arm wraps around my waist and another goes around my shoulder as Wesley and Dani envelop me and pull me towards the ticket stand. “Come on. Let’s go watch Wyatt being wonderful again.” Dani says with a huge grin, and I lean into her. I am so grateful for my friends. True friends. I cherish their support, care, and love.
I feel so lucky and privileged to finally find all the precious things that eluded me in that past.
Oh, yeah, Wyatt jumps in and revives their losing game… scoring another playoff win for the team.
Epilogue
JACEY
I stare as the incoming students flood the space I share with them. Walking alone, in pairs or standing in small groups, some sit on the grass or spill out onto the stairs, and others loiter at the entrances of the buildings. The sun shines. It’s hot, and the summer weather still blisters the earth. September hasn’t yet relinquished herself to the crispness of fall.
I stand at the entrance of the Quad at the University of Northern Oregon. I take in a long breath. Wyatt isn’t here. He made my lunch this morning, a sweet surprise that melted my heart when I came out from showering. He set it on the counter next to my bag. He was dressed in slacks and a button-down shirt and tie. He’s working at the office of the local congressman. Wyatt might go into politics. Combining his still fresh and well-known football reputation, along with his leadership skills, his degree in Communications, and his efforts to make a real difference in the local area, he’s thinking about a run for city council. If he likes it, and I suspect he will, he can next plan a run for the state and then… Who knows? Senator Wyatt Kincaid? I could see that happening easily. I know that. His parents know that. Dani and Wesley know that.