by P. J. Hoover
“I don’t know,” I said. “Falafels?”
“Falafels don’t make very good stories. Their insides can get kind of soggy.”
I picked at my food, wishing there was some deep inspiration hidden inside, because writer’s block sucked. But the ideas just wouldn’t come, and it seemed like the harder I thought about them, the more they stayed away.
“I need a story idea,” I said.
“Story ideas are everywhere,” someone said next to me.
I looked over, and there was none other than Hermes himself, sitting on the exact same bench he’d been on ten years ago. Or I guess it was only a month and ten days ago. The gods made everything confusing.
“Easy for you to say,” I said.
“It’s true,” Hermes said. “For example, did you know that your friend Dory here, her grandfather, none other than King Telamon himself …” His words trailed off.
“My grandfather what?” Dory said.
Hermes shook his head, and the wings on his hat fluttered back and forth. “Nothing. It’s nothing.”
“Tell me,” Dory said.
“No,” Hermes said. “You two are probably sick of adventures.”
I glanced to Dory, who got a really funny grin on her face. A grin that probably matched my own.
“Why don’t you test us?” I said. “What about King Telamon?”
Hermes pulled something from the bag he wore slung around his shoulder and set it on the counter in front of us. It was a miniature model of a ship. Not a ship like Odysseus had. Not like the Phaeacians either. This ship was long and sleek and looked like it could slip through the water almost in stealth mode.
“Well, I didn’t see it with my own eyes, but rumors have it that King Telamon himself actually traveled with none other than Jason himself.”
“Jason who?” I asked.
Hermes grinned. “Do you want to find out?”
GLOSSARY
GODS AND IMMORTAL-ISH BEINGS
ATHENA — Greek goddess of wisdom, war, inspiration and courage; of the Greek gods, she is the biggest supporter of Odysseus; loves owls
HERMES — Greek messenger god; can pass between the worlds of the living and the dead; wears an awesome hat with wings on it
ZEUS — King of the Greek gods; god of the sky; carries around a mean thunderbolt which he’s not afraid to use
POSEIDON — Greek god of the sea; Earth-shaker; dad of the cyclops; a real pain in Odysseus’ backside.
POLYPHEMUS — a giant cyclops; the son of Poseidon; favorite hobbies include eating men for lunch and eating men for dinner; also eating men for breakfast
AEOLUS — keeper of the winds; lives on the floating island of Aeolia; has twelve sons and daughters; loves to hear stories
BETA — an early reader of Homer’s story; daughter of Aeolus
THE TWELVE CHILDREN OF AEOLUS — Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta, Epsilon, Digamma, Zeta, Eta, Theta, Iota, Kappa, Lambda
CIRCE — a powerful sorceress who lives on the island of Aeaea; possibly the daughter of Helios; often turned her enemies or those who offended her into animals; don’t offend her
CHARON — the creepy ferryman who shuttles dead people across the River Styx into the Underworld
TIRESIAS — a prophet of the Greek god Apollo; dead and now resides in the Underworld; transformed into a woman for seven years (which isn’t relevant but is interesting)
SIRENS — three killer mermaids; used to be best friends with Persephone before she was taken away to the Underworld; sing songs to make men jump to their death
SCYLLA — a terrifying monster with six heads; she always strikes at least once
CHARYBDIS — an equally terrifying monster who lives under the sea and creates a whirlpool to suck down anything that crosses her path
HELIOS — Greek Titan; personification of the sun; has an island where his golden cattle live; still undetermined if the cattle produce golden milk
CALYPSO — a sea nymph who lives alone on the island of Ogygia; possibly the daughter of the Titan Atlas; fell in love with Odysseus and wanted him to stay with her forever and ever and ever
PEOPLE
HOMER — the main character of our story; also the fabled poet/author of The Odyssey and The Iliad
ODYSSEUS — a Greek hero during the Trojan War; King of Ithaca; the genius behind the Trojan Horse
DORY (DORYCLUS) — Homer’s best friend; a slave from Ionia
ELDER PACHIS — Homer’s teacher back in Ionia
DEMETRIOS — an irritating kid at Homer’s school back in Ionia; son of the mayor of Ionia
LYSANDRA — a cute girl from Homer’s school back in Ionia
POLITES — Odysseus’ shipmate and dearest friend
EURYLOCHUS — a relative of Odysseus through marriage; annoys the heck out of Odysseus
CICONES — the people of the island of Ismaros
OLD LADY TESSA — a (possible) witch who lives on the island of Ismaros; likes poetry
THE FLOWER CHILDREN — the people of the Island of the Lotus Eaters
LAESTRYGONIANS — the people of the Island of Lamos; they also happen to be cannibals
ELPENOR — one of Odysseus’ men who fell off a roof and died
PHAEACIANS — the people of the island of Scherie
DEMODOCUS — storyteller from the Phaeacian Pentathlon
KING ALCINOUS — King of the Phaeacians
PENELOPE — Odysseus’ wife; possibly the most patient woman in the world
TELEMACHUS — Odysseus’ son; newborn when Odysseus set out for the Trojan War
KING TELAMON — King of Ionia
AJAX — son of King Telamon; Greek hero from the Trojan War
HELEN — the woman held responsible for starting the Trojan War
OTHER GUYS ON THE SHIPS — Fish, The Guy Who Hangs out with Fish, Cupcake, Spitter, Rum, Moronios, Pork, Ear, Skinner, Tailor, Lefty
OTHER PEOPLE FROM THE TROJAN WAR — Agamemnon, Nestor, Peisistratus, Menelaus, Achilles, Cassandra, Clytemnestra
PLACES
ITHACA — the island where Odysseus is king
IONIA — Homer’s homeland
TROY—the place where the ten-year-long Trojan War between the Trojans and the Spartans happened; the Trojans didn’t win
ISMAROS — the island of the Cicones
THE ISLAND OF THE LOTUS EATERS — where the Flower Children live
AEOLIA — the floating island of Aeolus
LAMOS — the island of the Laestrygonians
TELEPYLUS — the city of the Laestrygonians
AEAEA — the island of Circe
THE UNDERWORLD — where all the dead people go
RIVER STYX — the river in the Underworld that all the dead people entering must cross
THRINACIA — the island of Helios where the sacred golden cattle are kept
OGYGIA — the island of Calypso
SCHERIE — rhymes with cheery (also dreary); the island of the Phaeacians
THINGS
TROJAN HORSE — the huge wooden horse that Odysseus and his men hid inside to sneak into the city of Troy; helped win the war
TROJAN WAR — a crazy ten-year-long war started because some Trojan prince named Paris stole Helen, the wife of the Spartan king Menelaus
THE SCROLL — the piece of papyrus that Homer recorded his story on; respect the Scroll
DACTYLIC HEXAMETER — a pretty cool form of poetry; see “HOMER’S SUPER SIMPLE GUIDE TO DACTYLIC HEXAMETER” for more information
MEAD — a really gross old-person drink; not recommended
HOLY MOLY — the herb given to Odysseus by Hermes to keep him from falling under Circe’s spell
PENTATHLON — a contest featuring five events
MAP
HOMER’S SUPER SIMPLE GUIDE TO DACTYLIC HEXAMETER
WANT TO IMPRESS YOUR TEACHERS? MAKE ALL your friends gaze at you with awe? Have your name remembered for thousands of years to come? Here’s my suggestion. Learn Dactylic Hexameter. No,
really. It’s nowhere near as hard as you think. All you have to do is figure out what you want to say and learn to be a little bit clever about how you say it.
HERE’S THE SCOOP. DACTYLIC HEXAMETER IS ALL about syllables. Kind of like Haiku except way cooler. There are some terms you might want to know. You don’t need to remember their names, but this guide would feel way incomplete without them. But don’t let them scare you just because you’ve never seen them before. They’re just words, not monsters. Monsters are scary. Words? Not so much.
METER – the type of rhyming scheme you’re using, made up of a bunch of lines. In our case, the meter is Dactylic Hexameter, but this is just one of many different types of meter. You can check those others out on your own.
FOOT – this is like a section of a line. Since the meter we’re working in is hexameter, there are six of these feet in one line.
DACTYL – a foot made up of one long and two short syllables (so three syllables in total)
SPONDEE – a foot made up of two long syllables (so two syllables in total)
WHAT’S A LONG SYLLABLE? WHAT’S A SHORT SYLLABLE? I wouldn’t get too caught up in worrying about that. For now, get the general rules down, and then later, once you’re a master, you can worry about things like diphthongs.
GENERAL RULES TO FOLLOW:
1) The sixth foot should be a spondee.
2) The fifth foot should be a dactyl if possible (but not required).
3) The first through fourth feet can be spondees or dactyls.
Yep. That’s it. Three simple rules. Anyone can do it.
Check out the cool picture on the next page I drew to show you what I’m talking about.
HERE ARE SOME OF MY FAVORITE EXAMPLES OF DACTYLIC HEXAMETER.
Your feet are | so smelly | they make me | feel queasy | so I plug | my nose.
Pancakes | and waffles | with syrup | and sugar | are always | so nice.
School is | so boring | and makes me | so sleepy | sometimes my | eyes close.
Potatoes | are lumpy | and ugly | but French fries | are simply | divine.
GO AHEAD. TRY SOME OF YOUR OWN. CHALLENGE your friends to see who can up with the funniest, most clever line of meter ever.
DORY’S RECIPES: THE TASTIEST HARDTACK IN THE (ANCIENT) WORLD
AFTER READING ABOUT ALL OUR STRUGGLES ON board the ship with finding food, you’re probably worried about having enough stocked away in case of an emergency. And though canned food is great when your tummy is rumbling, sometimes you want some variety. To that end, I wrote down every step Dory took while making hardtack. It may seem kind of gross and boring, but here’s my advice. Make it now and store it away. When you run out of food, you’ll thank me. This stuff lasts for hundreds of years. Oh, and make sure your dental insurance is up to date. Also, if you wear braces, you might want to soak it in some water first. They don’t call it hardtack for nothing.
THINGS YOU’LL NEED:
1 cup Water
2 teaspoons Salt
3 cups Flour
A spatula, knife, cookie sheet, bowl, and nail
WHAT TO DO:
Set your oven for 375°F (190°C). You probably want to check with an adult before doing this since 375°F (190°C) is pretty hot.
Mix the flour and salt together. Then mix in the water slowly, mushing it with your hands to blend it all together. Make sure to wash your hands first because otherwise, that’s just gross.
Once it’s all mixed together, flatten it out until it’s about half an inch thick. (That’s about as thick as your finger.)
Make a bunch of holes in it with a nail (a clean nail, not a rusty one that you pulled out of your fence).
Use a knife to cut it into rectangles of whatever size you want the servings to be. Place these pieces on a cookie sheet.
Stick the cookie sheet in the oven for 30 minutes. Take it out. Use a spatula to flip over the pieces.
Stick it back in the oven for another 30 minutes. Hopefully by now it’s golden brown.
Take the cookie sheet out of the oven. As much as I know you want to dig right in, let the pieces cool for at least 30 minutes because they get kind of hot.
ENJOY! AND WATCH YOUR TEETH.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
P. J. (TRICIA) HOOVER WANTED TO BE A JEDI, BUT when that didn’t work out, she became an electrical engineer instead. After a fifteen year bout designing computer chips for a living, P. J. started creating worlds of her own. She’s the award-winning author of The Hidden Code, a Da Vinci Code-style young adult adventure with a kick-butt heroine, and Tut: The Story of My Immortal Life, featuring a fourteen-year-old King Tut who’s stuck in middle school. When not writing, P. J. spends time practicing kung fu, solving Rubik’s cubes, and watching Star Trek. For more information about P. J. (Tricia) Hoover, please visit her website www.pjhoover.com.