by Amelia E. S.
My muscles are weak, I struggle to close my door. I slide into bed and fall asleep.
That’s what I’d called them “dreams”. That’s how a 10-year-old, coped with her mother having an affair with her best friend’s father. Silly me, for thinking it would go away.
Silly me, for thinking my mother would comfort me, talk to me.
Choose me.
Summer was fading, yet every “dawn” morning, I’d blast my radio, to mask the dryer, to mask the real noise.
I could’ve asked my mother about it, she remembered me seeing everything. She just never cared enough to talk with me about it. She just expected me to keep this secret.
Deep down, she knew me well enough, to know I would.
Over the summer this lie affected me. It affected me in many ways. The secret became too much.
Summer was almost done, I had carried this secret for so long. I just had to hold on a little longer, just a little longer. One more month.
Then, one afternoon, Ms. Kristen came over. Only hours after Mr. Bartley slipped out of the house earlier that day. She just wanted to drop off some baked goods, like always. Ms. Kristen looked so beautiful that day, she was happy.
Before she got addicted to alcohol, and young men. Before she did something terrible. Before all of that, Ms. Kristen was the “perfect mom” who made the best meals, and gave her heart to everyone, always.
It all changed that day. Everything changed, because of me. Because I got sloppy. Because I wasn’t careful enough.
This was my first secret. One of my only secrets that slipped through.
I didn’t want it to happen right now, I didn’t want to do it. The lie locked away, would come into light, whether I was ready, or not.
She came through the front door. It was just the two of us.
She didn’t have a key, but it was always unlocked, just for the Bartley’s.
I followed her into the kitchen, she only made it halfway through when she saw something lying on the counter.
It was a diamond ring. Just like the one on her hand.
“Who’s ring is that?” She asks.
I lie. I lie because, I love my mother so much. I lie because I was afraid. I lie, because I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to lie to my second mother, who stands right in front of me. I loved Ms. Kristen, I loved her so much.
Yet, I pick up the ring, and force a tale.
“It’s mine.” I say.
“Don’t lie Alex, I know you.” She says. She holds my hand.
Her voice is sad. I squeeze her hand and shake my head. This was enough for me to cry, I tried to stop the tears. It hurt too much, to.
“Hayes gave it to me.” I lie again, feeling my throat close. Tears start to fall.
Right then and there, I knew I had ruined it. It was me, who killed the light in Ms. Kristen that day. I made her change the prefixes, she stands by to this day.
It wasn’t immediate, it took time for my one little slip, to destroy her. To destroy all the Bartley’s, and the Richards’s.
It took death to break them.
This is what happens when a secret comes out.
It kills.
It’s all because of me. It was all my fault.
~~~~~~
“Alex, what did you do?!” My mom scowls me.
This was the first time, I heard my mother’s soft voice turn grey. Her voice turned angry, turned hateful. She fed the hungry butterflies that grow in my stomach.
Just wanted her to hug me. Wanted her to love me, again. Play in my hair, like before.
“I should’ve put the ring away. I’m sorry!” I yell.
“Damn right!” She shouts.
“I’m only 10.” I mumble. I cover my mouth.
“Yes, you are. No, it’s my fault, it’s my fault.” My mom breaks down.
“I’m sorry Alex.” She cries.
She’s slumped against the laundry door. We’re quiet again, but she doesn’t look at me anymore. I want her to look at me.
Both Mr. Bartley and my mother were wrong, and they’d soon have to watch the domino effect they caused.
Or, what I caused.
~~~~~
When the affair was finally brought to light, the Bartley’s still went on with their lives. They just lived the lie, I had to all summer. The Richard’s were distant, the rest of my siblings were still in the dark.
Time passed, yet the affair didn’t stop. School and photography were my only escapes.
They lived the lie around the town. Only to go home and argue all night, till the sun came up. Deep down I think everyone knew. At least, that’s what I wished for, because I hated being one of the few, who knew the truth.
I was still better off, then Ms. Kristen.
When Ms. Kristen found out about the affair, she used alcohol and opioids to numb the pain.
Doing so, made her coherent many things. She missed a lot. It costs a life.
It was next year, spring break, and the Bartley’s decided to go to Timmy’s favorite place in Versa; The Coast.
As the story goes; Versa was experiencing storm season that spring. It could go from sunny, to cumulonimbus clouds in seconds. There was quite a bad storm coming in later on in the evening.
The Bartley’s knew this, and still went. They knew the crowd was going to be small. They knew there wouldn’t be that many people to see the Bartley’s “perfect” mother, turned to the perfect “drunk”.
The sad thing is, no one knew.
No one knew why she fell apart. Not even her sons.
It stayed between the wife, the husband, the widowed single mother, and her 11-year-old daughter, who couldn’t tell a proper lie.
On their family outing the Bartley’s spilt up, it was Mr. Bartley’s idea.
Hayes went with his father, and Timmy had to stay with his now hungover mother. This little spilt on their family outing was so the two parents could announce that they were getting a divorce.
The conversations between the Bartley’s could’ve had tears involved, could’ve been lies, only they know. It’s what happened about an hour later that is on record.
~~~~~
After the news was dropped to the children, the father, and oldest son left the Versa Coast to get ice cream.
When they returned back, they received the news that three kids had drowned, two boys, and a girl. Only one was revived.
Within that hour the tide had tripled. Some say they saw the three kids go into the water with everyone else. When the coastguard alerted everyone to shore. Three didn’t come back.
By the time they found the three, it was too late. They saved one. Timmy didn’t make it.
Some say on the beach, Mr. Bartley lashed out, and blamed Ms. Kristen for Timmy’s death. Some say Mr. Bartley hurt Ms. Kristen. Then after that, came the secrets.
Now the whole town knew. The secrets were out. Most knew about the affair.
This was the final line for the perfect family. The Bartley’s, had broken.
Ms. Kristen stopped opioids, but not alcohol. She stayed cooped on isolation, never leaving the house. She stopped coming over, she stopped loving me. I stopped loving her. Mr. Bartley stopped coming over too, he stopped seeing my mother. Mr. Bartley was now, depressed.
It was Hayes who took it the worst though.
After the accident, Hayes was gone for a full month. When he returned, he was different. He barely left the house. I wasn’t allowed to see him at home, or in school. They took him out.
He stopped being my best friend for, a while. Just when things got better, he leaves again.
Mr. Bartley only gave it 2 months before he left Ms. Kristen. He took Hayes with him, and they moved to Hawaii, never looking back.
Now Hayes is back.
After Timmy’s death, we drifted. It was mostly my fault, I kept my distance. The guilt ate me alive, even more around Hayes.
At the time we needed each other the most, we stayed apart.
It was my fault I avoi
ded Hayes whenever he called, whenever he asked for me. The secrets were piling up, I didn’t know how to tell him, or anyone, anything.
I chose to stay away.
~~~~~
Now he’s back to resurface the unwanted memories, and secrets.
Secrets that we still keep, secrets between Hayes and me, from 3 years ago. That was the last time he came to Versa, it was for a funeral.
Even then, we weren’t close anymore. We were just neighbors with history. Neighbors who felt the same pain. Neighbors who were both numb, and once each other’s anchors, best friends. 3 years ago, I gained many secrets, and created some.
This time, I better keep the secrets inside, or they might kill.
I’m Sorry I Said No To Your Letter
Last night was a blur, I got lost in memories, secrets, and fears.
There was only one person in my mind; Hayes.
I wasn’t even aware where I was, until a honk wakes me up.
“Alex! I see you slept well!” Jake shouts.
“Jake fucking stop with the noise.” I shout back.
“You slept in your car, Alex. You already lost in this argument.” He laughs.
Still tucked into the seat, I hear Jake approach my car. He’s dragging his feet on the pavement.
“What happened to you?” He asks.
“I’m sorry, did it not rain yesterday Jake!?” I ask.
“What were you doing catching the raindrops on your face? You’re wearing a jacket.” He says.
“Fucking screw you for not telling me Hayes was back. I called the cops.” I say. Jake covers his mouth.
“You called the cops?” Jake laughs.
“Yeah, I figured. Adam told me about that. Hey, did you know he’s back, too?” He mocks. I stay silent.
“He told me off too, gave me shit. I swear, college life is making him deranged.” He laughs.
Silence pours over us.
“Adam said I was being a “fucking dick” about Hayes being back and everything. Sorry, I didn’t tell you, Alex.” I nod at his apology.
“I finally found a ride to Rochelle’s party, we waited around for almost an hour.” He says.
“If you hadn’t noticed my car’s dead. Glad to you were worried about me. Tell your girlfriend, I got lost or something, I’m sure she’ll believe that.” I say.
I feel better. I know when we stop talking, the pit in my stomach will come back.
“She’s not my girlfriend, but I noticed your battery and brought you something.” He says.
“It’s temporary, so no road trips.” Jake laughs.
He hands me a double A battery.
“Fuck you!” I shout. He says it back.
~~~~~
It only took a few minutes for my guilty conscious, and memories to come back.
My phone rings, it’s work.
“Hey Alex, we’re going to need you down in a few, your shifts in the next 15 minutes. Can you come in?”
Even though I didn’t have a running car, I was going to find a way to work. Too much quiet is bad for me.
Adam lets Jake burrows his car, Jake still had to take me to work though. On our way there we stopped at an auto place, so I could get a battery.
~~~~
Work wasn’t super busy today, it’s storm season.
This means, people stay away from the coast. It’s been like this for years. When three children drowned that day, the coast changed.
A year after Timmy died, after the Bartley’s split, I started training.
It was my way of coping, my escape. I never wanted what happened to Timmy, and that little girl to happen to anyone else.
Which is why, I’m a lifeguard.
Versa is beautiful, and a lot to take in. Yet, Versa is on the coast of Washington, which means it brings in heavy waves, and dangerous storms.
When you’re out in the water, you have to know what you’re doing even on a sunny day.
Even for lifeguards, it’s a risk. No matter how hard you train, you have to remember. The waves always win.
Since I started working at the coast, almost-three years ago, there hasn’t been any fatal DNS’s.
I take my job very serious, and it hurts to know, that when I leave Versa, I also leave Versa Coast.
It’s the place that I love the most. It’s where I picked up my photography hobby.
I take pictures of the water, of the birds, and life at Versa Coast. It’s a dream job in my eyes, but I want to see more of the world.
~~~~
When my shift is over, I go to the changing tower.
“Why are you here?” I ask.
“You never texted back.” He says.
He keeps looking at me. He keeps walking towards me.
“My car broke down.” I say. It sounds like a lie.
“You could have told me, I would’ve picked you up.” Jeff steps forward, I step back.
I hit the wall. We’re inches from each other’s face.
“We’re really close.” I say. He backs away.
“What, did you follow me or something?” I laugh.
“What if I did?” He says.
“No, Jake told me you needed to get picked up from work.” His voice is soft.
Fucking Jake.
I stay quiet, he’s waiting for me to say something to him, anything. I pretend to ignore him. I do this, so he’d go away, deep down I didn’t want him to.
“Come on Alex.” He says. He tries to touch my hair, but I move away.
I watch him run his hands through his hair. He smiles through the anger I’m causing him, I feel bad. He’s about to leave, when I grab his hand.
“Jeff, we can’t be anything.” I say.
“Why?” He asks.
“We just can’t.” I say.
“Can we at least be friends?” He asks.
“You want to be my friend?” I smile.
“I think you're cool.” He says.
I look at him for too long, he gets shy and looks away. I wanted to play along to this, I wanted to give into Jeff’s words. He was nice, and kind. He just popped into my life at the wrong time.
He leans into me. Our hands are now interlaced, the wall in my backbone. He’s so close I can feel his warmth.
He tries to touch my hair again, there’s heavy silence. He’s done this before, to other girls.
I move his hand. He stays quiet.
“Why are you being so rude to me Alex?” He asks.
“Why me? Why do you like me?” I ask.
“Don’t you know all about the Richards?” I ask.
“I know about your mom, I know about the Bartley’s.” He says.
That was enough for me. His words stabbed the shield I had built over the years. A few names are all I have to hear, to crumble. I leave the tower, and call Adam.
~~~~~
It took no more than ten minutes for him to pick me up.
When I got in the car, I could tell by the silence, that something had happened.
The car ride was silent, Adam said one thing. He said Hayes was back home.
Only then does the radio kick in and quiet my thoughts.
WELCOME HOME HAYES
~~~~~
Hayes
As soon as we turn down our street, I could see Hayes. He’s taking in boxes from his car. He’s wearing the same hoodie from yesterday.
We finally make it into the driveway, when Adam turns to me and says.
Apologize.
It was faint. There was coldness, and chills in his voice.
I rest against Adam’s car for a while, watching Hayes from a distance. Not once does he look at me, he just takes in his boxes. He has a few boxes left. I could just wait a little longer, and not say anything. Watching him anchors me, but I still feel scared.
I’m dragging my feet on the wet pavement as I get closer and closer to him.
Now, I’m behind Hayes, waiting for him to notice me. The anticipation scares me, my heart’s pounding. I try to deepen e
ach breath, still tensed.
So many thoughts are going through my mind right now, too many.
Now, he’s in his trunk fiddling with another box. When he shuts his trunk, he passes me.
I call after him, but my voice is faint, it’s weak. He’s getting closer to his front door. If I don’t say anything now, he’ll go inside, and I won’t follow.
It wasn’t too loud of a yell. It startled him enough to drop the box he was carrying though.
“Sorry.” I mumble.
My eyes start to water. I’m scared to look at him in the eyes.
His strong tan highlights his freckles. His dark curly hair is now tied up. Our eyes meet, he smiles at me. Everything inside breathes again, I’m warm, just by his smile.
“Little Richards.” Hayes says.
“Hi Hayes.” I say, it sounds like a whisper.
“Why are you whispering?” He asks. His voice is low, he’s now whispering. I smile.
There’s quiet, only the stuff being thrown in the box has sound. I wipe my eyes.
“You came back.” I say.
“As promised.” He says.
I want to hug him, but he doesn’t say anything else. He smiles, then stops.
“I’m so sorry about calling the cops I thought you were someone else. Sorry about this, too. I’m such a fucking bad person.” I stutter. I keep clearing my throat.
“No, you’re not. Don’t worry about it, Little Richards.” He says.
He smiles at me again, I feel better. I want him to talk to me more.
“I haven’t seen you in a while, you look different. You look good.” I say.
“Yeah, you too. Glad to see you healthy.” He says. I scrunch my hair.
“Yep, all better now.” I look down.
“As promised.” He says.
“As promised.” I say. My throat is hoarse.
“You cut your hair.” He says.
“Yep.” I mumble.
He touches a strand, I get chills. There’s no hiding the feeling I showed.
“Your freckles got darker.” I mumble.
I touch his cheek.
“Hawaii’s treating me good, college is college. I missed Versa though.” He says. I nod.
Hayes picks up the box. I only follow his eyes, waiting for him to say more. I haven’t heard his voice in years, it was raspy, warm. Warmer than before.