by Amelia E. S.
Would she have left us behind?
~~~~
It’s a Friday afternoon, and I’m eating a popsicle while sitting on my car. Something hits me right in the face.
“Alex, throw the ball back over!” Adam shouts.
I watch the ball that hit me, bounce on the pavement. The rhythm of the ball matched my pulsing nose.
I get off the car, holding my nose, in fear it might be broken.
I grab the ball and walk next door. I haven’t been over Hayes’s in years. Thankfully, it was just in the garage. This was still much; the secrets won’t swallow me whole though.
It was Hayes, and my brother, they were in a middle of a game.
Hayes’s hair was hanging over his face, he was drenched in sweat, and he was shirtless. I could see the scars.
“You could’ve just thrown it over.” Hayes says.
“Oh, you’re talking to me now, that’s great.” I mumble. He ignores me.
“That ball hit me in the face, you’re missing a few more words.” I say.
“Your brother threw that ball.” He says, they both laugh.
“Well then, you both suck!” I say, then throw the ball at Adam.
“What the hell Alex! Hey, if you’re going to be like this, Jeff can’t come to the party.” Adam laughs.
“How do you know about Jeff?” I ask him.
“Who’s Jeff?” Hayes asks.
“What party?” I ask. My phone chimes.
What time does the party @ your house start?
-Rochelle
“Hayes needs a welcome back party and needs to meet some of my college peeps. Guess whose house is hosting?” Adam hoots.
My nose starts to bleed. Adam tries to apologize.
“It’s fine. I totally deserve this anyways, right?” I say.
“I’m fine, just leave me alone.” I say
I rush back to the house, grab a kitchen towel, and some ice.
My hands were shaking now, I try to breathe. I’m one to fear blood when I see it, it scares me.
~~~~~
Once the bleeding stopped, I took a cold shower, and put on something decent. Which for me meant, flared pants that covered my slippers. Followed by a crop top that said I HATE YOU in bold letters. The top is covered by my red windbreaker, from work.
I’m feet’s away from the kitchen when I hear Rochelle giggling, and laughing. In the kitchen I see her, and Hayes making out, hands all over each other. Rochelle sees me and gives me a hug.
“Alex! Guess who is back together? I’ve missed you, where were you all week?” She asks.
Hayes is looking at me again, he won’t stop.
“How’s the nose.” Hayes asks. I let go of Rochelle and ignore Hayes.
I open the fridge.
“Alex, what’s wrong?” Rochelle asks.
“Nothing, what are you talking about?” I ask.
“Come on Al, where were you?” She asks.
“Shouldn’t you be mad at me for being a liar?” I say.
I grab out the chilled drinks.
“You meant well.” She laughs.
“Whatever.” I say.
I use a bowl and fill it up with ice from the fridge. I pour in the chill drink and mix it.
Rochelle and Hayes are watching me. The fizzy bubbles can’t hide the stares.
“Look, I’m fine. My face is bruised, people are about to come over, I’m a little tensed, that’s all.” I lie.
“Is it Jeff?” Rochelle asks. I look at Hayes.
“Sure, why not.” I say.
Rochelle smiles. She grabs an ice chip and eats it. Rochelle’s crunch calms me, Hayes looks at me.
“Hopefully you can finally have a taste of him.” She laughs before going for another.
“Totally.” I mumble.
I watch as Hayes leaves the room. I brush him off, and grab snacks for the party.
This was going to be a long night.
I’ll Grow A Pit in My Stomach
Thankfully night came fast, and the party was starting soon.
Jake and Emma helped me decorate the house, they still cared about the aesthetics. They’re pretty cute.
We set up pastel lights all around the house. I don’t think it was a fire hazard.
The more lights, the better. We put them everywhere.
Next was locking the rooms that were off limits. Which consist of; my bedroom, Adams room, and the bedroom downstairs.
The bedroom downstairs is off limits for us too, but for different reasons. We don’t talk about it. It’s her room.
The bedrooms unlocked were the guest bedroom, which was our older brother’s Jack’s room, and Jake’s room.
Doing all of this without the help of Rochelle, or Hayes. They were next door doing, whatever.
I didn’t want to think about it.
When the party started up, they made their appearance. Along with a few other faces.
Adam’s girlfriend Lorene, and his college friends showed first. Then came the high school lacrosse team, which meant Jeff was attending. It didn’t take long for the house to fill up.
Once the party started, the awkward silence faded.
I wander around, smile at people I don’t know, which is more fun, than it sounds.
Sometimes, I pull out my camera, or polaroid and take pictures. Or fiddle with the music playlist. This is at any party.
I enjoy parties on Friday nights. That’s when people’s true colors, show.
Hopefully, I can contain myself enough, so my true colors won’t show. Enough, so my secrets won’t spill out. Knowing everything that’s currently happening, I don’t think I’ll stay sober tonight, on any accounts.
Which in an about an hour, my true colors begin to show.
~~~~
I had way too many shots, and not enough snacks. I was on a high. A destructive one.
With my camera around my neck I bump into Jeff at the snack table.
“Hey Alex.” He smiles.
He looked cleaner than me. He had a water bottle in his hand.
“Oh hey. Jiff.” I sigh.
He smiles at me.
“Are you having fun?” He asks.
He puts his arm around me. I hug him, my flimsy jacket scratches his black t-shirt. He passes me a water bottle, it’s cold.
“Utter fun Jiff. Utter FUN!” I exhale.
I point to Jake and Emma in the corner of the room, going at it. I cover my mouth and laugh.
“You’re hard to figure out Alex.” He says.
“Me? I’m hard to figure out?” I slur.
“Yep. I kind of hate when people ask the question, that’s being answered.” He says.
He smiles before looking down. For a moment my high is gone, and I see Jeff clearer, both mentally and physically. He was really nice, like all around.
We talk a little, I go for seconds, Jeff stops me.
“You really think I’m cool “shit”?” I ask.
I nudge Jeff, covering my face seconds later at my own cringe.
“Not cool “shit”, but I think you’re fucking cool. No shit, just cool.” He says.
I shake my head at his terrible joke. He looks at me again, he won’t stop. I nudge him.
“Stop that.” I laugh. I make sure to annunciate as well as I can.
“Thank you.” I laugh.
“You’re not just talking to me because you want to have sex? Or be with me, because I’m innocent? I’m not, you know?” I state.
“No, Alex.” Jeff turns to me.
“You’re cool, and I want to get to know you. I want something, real.” He says.
The drinks from tonight, starts to spiral me down a destructive road.
“Tired of sleeping with the entire school?” I laugh.
“What?” He asks.
“Come on Jeff, you’re a lacrosse player I see with girls all the time.” I say.
“You’re drunk right now Alex.” He says.
“You’re stoned.” I laugh.
“No, I’m not.” He whispers into my ear.
I lean into him, pushing all of my weight onto him. I wanted someone to hug me. He plays in my hair.
“Are you mad?” I whisper into his ear.
I’m sure he can smell the strong acidic cold breath of poison causing trouble.
“No.” He laughs. He’s lying.
“Right.” I say.
“What’s going on with you?” He asks.
“Nothing. I can’t feel a thing.” I laugh.
“How many people have you been with?” I ask.
“Not many.” He sighs. I should stop, but I can’t.
“You had sex with Rochelle though, right?” I ask.
“What?” He asks.
“Did you have sex with my best friend?” I slur.
I think this question was not only for Jeff, but for someone else.
“Okay. I’m leaving.” He says.
“Now you don’t want me?” I laugh.
“I’ll see you at school, okay?” He says.
He shakes his head before leaving me stranded at the drinks table.
I pour more to drink, now guiding myself back to the main party. I rest myself against a wall, watching the scene pass me in flashes. The lights, the laughter, the music. Everything was much, it wasn’t helping the overwhelming feeling that sat in my stomach.
I try. I try to be normal, fit into the party scene, play along. This was enough to quiet the butterflies I felt. That feeling meant, tears were coming.
I grab my camera and walk over to the downstairs bedroom that’s off limits. The high, numbed me enough, enough to open the door.
As soon as I do, I see two college kids having sex on the bed.
“What the fuck! Get the fuck out!” I yell, quickly shutting the door behind them.
I make sure they not only leave the room, and my vicinity, but the party as well.
I was very pissed by this, Adam tries to calm me down. When I’m off the wire, Hayes stands by me in silence.
“Alex are you okay?” Rochelle creeps behind me, giving me a hug.
“No! These fuckers somehow got into her fucking room!” I pull away from Rochelle, upset.
My head is spinning. I can’t walk straight. I laugh instead.
“I think you need to slow down Alex.” Hayes says.
I laugh at his comment and ignore them both. They were pretty drunk themselves. This annoyed me.
I go back to the drink table and pour myself an entire cup now.
“Go mingle you two, go at it. I’m just having fun. The music sucks. I think I’ll go and convince the DJ to play some better music.” I laugh.
I start to take off my jacket.
“Alex, I’m serious. I think you need to slow down.” Hayes says.
He grabs my cup. He spills the stuff out of my cup.
“Hayes what the fuck!” I scream.
“You don’t get to tell me, what to do! You’re not my family Hayes. You’re, no one to me.” I push him.
“You’re too wasted to take care of yourself, or anyone anyways. Get the fuck away!” I say.
I snatch my cup back from him, and drink what’s left.
“What are you doing, huh?!” He steps close to me.
“What are you going to do Hayes? Date my best friend? Leave when you said you’d stay? Call me Little Richards, and I’ll give out.” I say to him.
“Just leave me the fuck alone Hayes.” I say.
I walk over to the DJ. He’s young, maybe a college student.
Whoever he is, I go up to him, and kiss him on the lips. People around cheer, Rochelle laughs. The DJ gropes me, my eyes are closed the entire time.
Hayes grabs my arm. I pull away from him and leave the DJ.
I want them to stop following me. I wanted my spinning vision, to exclude them in it.
“My life is ruined because of you. I hate you.” I say.
I stop walking. My nose starts to bleed again.
Shit
~~~~~
“I’m fine Adam.” I mumble.
Once I made it to the bathroom, I’m on edge of the countertop sink, holding my nose.
Followed by the annoying knocking from Adam, and the obnoxious music, I was officially done with this party.
When the knocking doesn’t stop, I get pissed, and open it.
Turns out it’s Hayes.
“Your brother told me to check on you.” Hayes grabs tissue for my nose.
“Adam, my brother threw the ball at my face, and sends you? Makes sense.” I say.
I wobble back onto the counter.
“I threw the ball. I blamed Adam, because he thought you’d burst into tears if I said it was me.” Hayes laughs.
“What the fuck?” I whine.
I bury my head in my hands and start to cry. Hayes grabs more tissue.
“Yeah. Probably should’ve told you sober.” He laughs.
“I am sober.” I slur.
“Say Sally Sat Down Beside a Sober Snail 5 times.” He slurs.
“Yeah, I’m pretty wasted too.” He laughs. Hayes’s dazed eyes follow me.
As I sit on the counter, Hayes cleans my bloody nose. When he’d take breaks to talk to me, he’d place his hands to my side. I could feel his warmth.
I’m still drunk, my colors were coming out.
We’re face to face in a pastel magenta, lit bathroom. It felt like I could do anything.
I feel the pulsing butterflies in my stomach. They are about to explode.
I get off of the counter, and drop to the toilet, releasing everything I consumed tonight. He grabs my hair.
What a party
~~~~
Once again, it was just me, Hayes, a closed door, and an open window. We sat in silence for a while, I begged my not yet sober mouth to keep from saying anything stupid. To keep the secrets down, just a little longer.
The silence made it hard to keep my secrets. Hayes finally says something.
“You still hate me, Little Richards?” Hayes asks. I pick at my nails.
“No Hayes. I don’t hate you, I could never hate you.” I say.
“Do you hate me?” I ask him.
“Still deciding.” He says.
Silence pours over us again. It’s nice silence though. I sit on the counter, Hayes rests against a wall, directly across from me.
“I hate that you left.” I say to Hayes.
Hayes walks over towards me.
“Which time, Little Richards?” He asks.
“Both times.” I say.
“It was years ago, Alex.” Hayes says.
“3 years go, and you promised me. I needed you, we needed you.” I mumble. I scrunch my hair.
“I’m sorry Alex.” He says.
“I’m sorry I never called.” I say.
“That’s not the same.” He says. He looks away, hurt.
“You couldn’t wait forever, I know that now.” I say.
“If you talked to me, you’d know why I couldn’t. Why I couldn’t come back. Why I can’t wait.” He says.
“Because of the girl, in Hawaii?” I ask.
We’re close to each other. Our faces are so close, to one another.
“I don’t want to talk about her, Little Richards.” He says.
Hayes touches my hands. I gasp at the sensation, I can’t feel the chills, but they are there.
“We should get back to the party.” I slur.
I slide off the counter, Hayes helps me down. He grabs my waist and won’t let go.
My lower back is pressed against the counter, it pokes me, because Hayes is too close.
“Hayes, I know things. I know things that’ll make you think of me differently. Things that’ll make you hate me.” I say.
“Alex, I know you. I care too much about you, to hate you.” He says.
“But you said you were still deciding.” I say. Hayes laughs.
“I was kidding. I’ll never hate you, Little Richards.” Hayes smiles.
I can fee
l Hayes’s warmth as he speaks. I never want him to stop talking.
“Hayes, I have secrets. Secrets that are stuck with me.” I say.
“I don’t care.” He says.
We’re too close right now. Too close for the both of us, being in this state of mind. I’m super drunk, he’s buzzed. Yet, I still don’t want to move.
“Hayes.” I mumble.
I push his hands off my waist. He keeps trapping me with his arms, by my side. He’s staring into my eyes. He won’t move.
Jake barges into the bathroom with Emma. They are both obnoxiously laughing.
“Hey, you guys want to blaze? Oh shit, look who it is!” Jake laughs.
I back away from Hayes, embarrassed. Rochelle enters the bathroom.
“Who barfed?” She asks. I raise my hand and look at Hayes.
“I’m never drinking again.” I mumble.
Rochelle smiles at the both of us.
“Which one of you wants to be, my beer pong partner?”
You’ve got to be shitting me
I’ll Swim To The Surface To Breathe Again
The next day, everything hurt, and ached. I stayed under my blankets for a while, until light came into my room.
Most of last night, was a blur, it is for the best, though. As long as I didn’t do anything too stupid. As long as I, didn’t let a secret out.
Someone knocks on my door.
It’s Hayes
I go to the door, stopping halfway there to look in the mirror.
I’m now wearing an oversized t-shirt, underwear, and my “lucky” bra Rochelle got me. According to Rochelle, you wear it for your “first time”.
I might’ve done something stupid last night.
Hayes stops knocking and opens the door. I grab a blanket to cover myself.
“Sorry.” He says.
Silence pours into the room. Hayes won’t look at me. My pit pulses.
“You want to go pick up some doughnuts?” Hayes asks.
“Hayes, where are my clothes, from last night?” I laugh to cover the pounding fear, all over.
“They’re in the washer. I washed them for you.” He says.
“Why did you wash them?” I ask.
“Because, they were dirty.” He says. I only nod.
“Where’s Rochelle?” I ask.
He opens the door wider and leans closer to me. His next words hurt me.
“She crashed at my house.” He says.
“Are you coming?” His voice was raspy.
“No!” I say.
“Fine.” Hayes huffs.