by Amelia E. S.
“Fuck?” He says. I stay quiet.
I look at Hayes, he looks young, vulnerable, but happy. His soaked curly hair hangs, he huffs when he moves it from his face.
“You.” Jeff shouts, which scares me.
Hayes is still frozen in front of me. Waiting for me to respond.
“Come on Alex, you have to say it back?” Hayes says. I nervously bite my lip, about to give up.
Then Hayes starts to feel around the rim of the pool. He’s inches away from me and says it again. I can feel his breath close to mine, but still I stay silent, tensing as his hands get closer to me.
“Fuck.” He slowly opens his eyes.
“You.” I say.
For a moment everything goes quiet, it’s now just me and Hayes. His smile warms me, that is before I splash him in the face.
“Alex, what the fuck dude! You’re fucking dubbing the game?” He covers his eyes, and laughs.
I swim to the edge and try to get out. But Hayes grabs me by the waist and pulls me back in. We both go under, and Hayes is still holding onto me.
Even when we reach the surface, he is still hugging me. I stop laughing, and soon get uptight.
“Let go Hayes.” I push away from him.
There’s silence once again. Rochelle swims towards us.
“Ready to switch?” She asks.
I nod and avoid eye contact with Hayes. Next time I smile at Jeff, he brushes me off.
I get a brush off? Things were going so great though.
FUCK. YOU.
“Fuck.” Jeff shouts.
We wait for a response from Roc or Hayes, but nothing. They’re making out. I open my eyes and see them. I’m cold again.
“Let’s call it quits guys.” I suggest.
“Calm down Little Richards.” Hayes jokes. He’s holding onto Rochelle.
They were both drinking, they were being careless. They’re just having fun.
I’m feeling weird, seeing it all. I just want to go inside now. Instead, I say something stupid.
“Yeah. Don’t fucking call me that Hayes.” I offend him. Everyone’s quiet.
“Fine Al. Just so we’re clear, you just cheated.” Rochelle jokes.
“Just so we’re clear, your game is called “Fuck” and “You”, and you’re worried about fairness? Makes sense.” I say.
“This is stupid. I’m going inside.” I state.
“Just one more game Al?” Rochelle asks.
“Fuck?” I wait around.
Someone climbs out of the pool. Eyes closed I walk towards the dripping water, hitting the floor.
“Hayes, you’re out.” I push him.
When I open my eyes, both Hayes and Jeff are standing there.
Hayes grabs my arms, Jeff grabs my legs, and they throw me in.
You Should Know
“Oh, come on it was a joke Richards!” Hayes shouts to me as I get out of the pool.
“Fine, we’re going in the Jacuzzi!” Rochelle says.
Jeff follows behind me.
“Leave me alone Jeff!” I yell.
“Alex! Alex, slow down.” Jeff rushes after me.
When I can no longer walk, I cover my face. He picks at my fingers, until our eyes meet.
I hate that I’m like this. I hate that things get to me, like this.
“Alex are you okay?” He asks.
I shake my head, at the trigger words.
“I can’t breathe. I think I’m having a panic attack.” I say.
I’m pacing the living room, every few seconds I stop to catch my breath.
Everything was too close, everything was too loud. My heart is racing. The air is disappearing.
“Alex. What do I do?” Jeff stutters.
I can’t speak.
Jeff shouts my name, I jump, I’m scared. I am crying now.
Jeff gives me a hug. My face is against his bare chest.
“Thank you.” I say.
He nods his head, and we both stare at each other. Tears still fall down my cheek when I kiss Jeff again.
This time I wanted to stop my thoughts. More importantly, I wanted Jeff to want me.
We both walk over to the couch, and I climb on top of him, pressing both my lips, and body against his.
I feel Jeff’s tongue collide with mine. I’m gliding my tongue against his still wet bottom lip. Jeff holds my upper back, then goes lower and lower until he reaches my waist. I kiss his neck and comb his hair with my hands.
Jeff calls my name, but I ignore him.
I want to feel so into Jeff, as if I’m in a trance. I’m just forcing it though. I go for Jeff’s shorts, but he grabs my hands, and interlaces them with his.
He calls me again, almost offended. I’m still pressed against him.
“What?” I ask.
“Yeah, I’m not doing this.” He says.
He lets go of my hands.
“What are you talking about?” I lie.
“I go to ask you what’s wrong, then you throw yourself at me, and you just want to have sex? Right now?” He asks.
He’s serious, but I’m nervous. I chew some popcorn, trying to calm myself, with the crunch.
“You hugged me.” I say.
“You were crying.” He says.
“Alex, we barely know each other.” He laughs.
“So.” I mumble.
I’m tracing my finger on his warm, bare chest. He keeps looking at me, he wants me to look at him. I can’t, I’m too ashamed.
“I thought you liked me?” I mumble.
He sighs and tugs his hair. I lean closer to him.
“I do.” He’s hesitant.
“But, I think you have feelings for someone else.” He says.
He moves my messy hair from my face. I grab his hands and hold them. We’re now face to face.
“Who are you talking about?” I ask.
Jeff looks at me again, he’s waiting for a kiss. He won’t stop laughing, he won’t stop staring at me.
When I try to get up, Jeff pulls me closer to him. He’s holding my lower waist, as I climb back on top of him. My legs wrap around him. We both want each other now.
“Do you want to finish the movie?” Jeff asks.
I’m pecking his neck as were laughing. He holds my waist again, as I thrust against his pelvis.
He moans.
He takes off my shirt, and I’m guiding his hands against my bra, then under. Our bodies keep colliding, I play with the string on his shorts. The texture feels nice, I pull it more.
Before we go too far, Rochelle barges into the living room. She’s unwillingly tugging Hayes inside.
We both say fuck in unison. I get off of Jeff and cover myself with a throw. I watch Jeff fix his shorts.
I didn’t want to stop.
When our eyes meet again, Jeff is smiling a me.
“Stop.” I laugh.
I nudge him, and he shakes his head, pulling me close.
Everything about him, makes me want to live. Maybe this, can work.
Rochelle and Hayes plop on the floor. For the rest of the night Jeff and I share the couch, while Hayes’s head lay on my dangling feet.
Our Parents Were Together
I wake up before Jeff, gasping for air. I had another nightmare.
It was of my mother.
It was her face, her voice, her tears, her cries, and her screams.
Now awake, I can still see her, when closing my eyes. It’s a cold, burning after-image, that won’t go away.
There was another dream though.
It was about Hayes.
This made me feel even worse, because I felt this before. I’m not supposed to feel this.
I look at the stain on my pants. I feel sticky, and dirty, again. I want to cry for dreaming about Hayes that way. I’m crying now.
But, I make sure to cry far away from Jeff.
I grab my bag from Rochelle’s room. I see both her and Hayes cuddled together on her bed, they were still sleeping. I watch for a while, until
it makes me sad.
The sun hasn’t risen yet, the air was cold, and the room was blue, quiet, and lonely.
When I get too sad, I go to the guest bathroom, and turn on the shower.
The steam clouds the bathroom. It warms me.
I drop my dirty clothes and stuff them in my bag. I’m gross again, it feels like, I’m a bad person for, feeling.
I am a bad person.
I get in the shower, and stand around for a while, hugging myself. I’m too afraid to close my eyes, too afraid to see the images of my mother. I’m too ashamed of what I’d dreamt of Hayes, last night.
I’m too sad to stand in the shower, I squat, when I want to cry.
I’m crying now.
I cry for a while, letting the water wash away the tears. When the shower’s over, I want the thoughts to be over, too.
I want to hide this from everyone, even Rochelle. I’m going to create another secret and lie, to cover, a darker one.
I get out of the shower, but the sadness doesn’t go away.
I wrap myself in a towel and look for clothes. Each drawer I open in this bedroom, squeaks. Each squeak meant the drawer was empty.
There’s a mirror in front of me. I look at it, scrunching my hair. The pit in my stomach starts to come back. The air starts to fade.
It was too quiet, the room was too green and dark, I was too much in my thoughts.
I slam the drawers, when I can’t find anything. I didn’t want to go back into Rochelle’s room. It hurt too much. I hate that I felt this.
I bite my lip and try to calm this panic I felt.
“Alex.” Hayes walks into the room.
“Are you okay?” He asks.
I cover my face and shake my head. Hayes tries to hug me, but I push away.
I give him a hug, once the tears start to fall.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” I cry.
“It’s okay Alex.” He says.
As I’m hugging Hayes, the water drips from my hair, onto Hayes’s shirt, then disappear onto the white carpet. This calms me.
He rubs my back, I feel his warmth through the towel. I get chills from the memories. I let go of him and wipe my face.
“I have to change.” I stutter.
I grab my bag and leave him there. I go to Rochelle’s room and grab clothes to wear. She’s still asleep.
I’m wearing a hoodie, and sweats now. I changed in the washroom downstairs. I was too afraid to see Hayes again.
I watch movies and lay by Jeff’s side, playing in his hair, until he wakes up.
That’s Why Your Mom Started To Drink
When everyone’s up, and it’s not just Hayes and me, I was able to loosen up.
Hayes hovered me, he was worried from earlier today. I didn’t want him to worry, I shouldn’t have hugged him. I’ll try to keep my distance.
“Let’s get doughnuts, Little Richards.” Hayes says.
Hayes tosses me his car keys. I look at Jeff.
“Jeff, you want to go with me?” I ask him.
I look at Hayes, he smiles. It’s forced, I can tell.
“Sure. Don’t scratch it Little Richards.” He nudges me.
I toss the keys to Jeff.
“I’m a terrible driver.” I laugh.
“If that’s okay?” Jeff asks.
I look at Hayes, he’s looks at me. I brush him off, because his warmness gives me chills. Hayes nods to Jeff.
“Let’s go.” I say.
We get in Hayes’s car, and drive to Roger’s Bakery.
The entire ride is silent, I don’t take my eyes off of Jeff though.
The rain gets heavy, and I start to reminisce.
~~~~~
The sky was grey, the thunder shook the house. The lightning was bright.
It was storm season in Versa.
I was 11 years old. It was spring break.
Ms. Bartley’s car was in our driveway, I ran to the garage to see her. I hadn’t seen her in months, I missed her.
After Ms. Bartley found out about the affair, I thought she hated me. I still thought it was my fault, for everything.
But it wasn’t Ms. Bartley in our driveway, it was Mr. Bartley.
I walk up to him, slowly. He quietly watches me, yet he doesn’t say anything. He’s slumped against the car. He is crying. I’ve never seen him like this. I’ve never looked at him for this long.
My mother comes out from behind me and hugs him.
She starts to cry.
I stepped out into the rain to ask him about Hayes. My pajamas are soaked now. My slippers are drenched in the warm rain. I felt butterflies.
I felt scared.
Mr. Bartley ignores my questions. He keeps looking at me but won’t say anything. I walk closer to them.
I’m close enough to hear everything, now. I’m close enough to know why Mr. Bartley and my mother were crying. I’m close enough to know what had happened to Timmy, at The Coast.
Everything goes numb. A strong drop in my stomach pulses and doesn’t go away. I cry.
“Alex, go inside!” My mother shouts to me.
In shock, I do as I’m told.
~~~~~
“We’re Here.” Jeff’s voice wakes me up.
It’s pouring out now. Jeff parks far from cars, which meant we had to dash to the door.
Once we get inside, our clothes are soaked, my slippers are full of water. They bring back memories.
I press the water in my slippers, out onto the laminated tile, in silence. The rain, buzzing lights, and un-needed ac, covered the noise.
“Hayes texted me, told me to get three weird doughnuts, for you.” Jeff smiles.
“I’m not hungry.” I lie.
“Okay.” He says.
Hands in pocket, he goes to order. Jeff orders a dozen doughnuts, including three for me, and two coffees.
“Here.” He hands me a coffee.
“Just black. It will wake you up.” He says.
I take the coffee and drink it. It burns my tongue. I hold the cup, it warms me in the cold bakery.
When everything’s ready, Jeff looks panicked. The heavy rain, a box of doughnuts, and driving a car that doesn’t belong to him. He smiles through it though, which warms me even more.
We open the bakery door, and I run to the car. Jeff walks, with one hand in pocket.
I’m sitting in the car, watching, and laughing at Jeff. Eventually, I go back out into the rain, to help him.
The car goes silent when we get inside. Each time we make eye contact, we laugh.
The ride home wasn’t quiet though, the rain was loud enough. The radio stayed off, until we reached Rochelle’s.
Jeff parks across the street.
“I don’t want to go inside yet.” I tell him.
He turns up the volume on the radio, and we sit in silence, watching the rain, and watching each other.
I bite my lip and kiss him. Our bodies collide again. I hear the doughnut box. I feel it crushing between our bodies.
While we’re kissing, I glide my hands down Jeff’s pants. They glide over his briefs, then under.
As the rain fell, I felt Jeff, and he felt me. We are now drenched in rain, sticky and wet.
When we stop, our breaths are heavy, our lungs are stretched, and our bodies are buzzing.
Jeff grabs the crushed doughnut box, and we race inside the house.
I’m happy now. I won.
“Where were you guys?” Rochelle asks.
Jeff and I are still trying to catch our breaths.
“The rain got us.” Jeff exhales.
I watch as he takes off his shirt and goes to the washroom.
My eyes follow him, until I see Hayes. I’m avoiding eye contact now. I toss him the wet keys and thank him. He’s about to say something, but I feel too embarrassed. So, I go to the kitchen. He follows me.
“How are you feeling?” He asks.
He was clean, and dry. I was sticky, wet, and guilty. He looks worried, yet I dodge
another conversation with him.
I start to eat a doughnut, in front of Hayes.
I feel better, my pulsing stomach is quieter.
Followed by the rain flavored, now cold coffee that aided my burnt tongue. It’s bitter, and earthy. I like it.
When there’s too much silence between the two of us, I go upstairs, and put on some clothes Rochelle gave me.
I’m dressed in Rochelle’s post freshmen cheer gear. I’m wearing a school cheer hoodie, and neon teal shorts.
~~~~~
We were rained in most of the day, because it’s storm season.
It was movies, polaroid’s, music, frozen pizza, and Rochelle’s favorite, board games. I was glued to Jeff the entire time, and he was glued to me. He made me forget about a lot of things.
When I’m with Jeff, all I can feel, is him. I enjoy being around him. I really like him.
Rochelle gave Jeff and I, googly eyes every minute. Hayes kept his distance, he was drinking a lot. Too much.
Each time Hayes and I made eye contact, I’d feel guilty. I’d think about my dream last night, I’d think about my secrets.
We passed the time and waited for the rain to stop. Once it did, we decided to eat out at a restaurant, one of the only restaurants, in Versa.
There are no more than two real “restaurants” in Versa. There is Rizzo’s, and Fisherman Sea Side.
We went to Rizzo’s, which is on the waterfront.
However, the rain smell, masked the garlic and pasta aroma. The restaurant looked vacant, and grey which made things feel, and look blue. It was too wet, and still too gloom to even call this a double “date”. To even call Rizzo’s, a restaurant.
It’s still better than sitting in silence, while I wait for everyone else to finish eating a shared, frozen pizza.
We get a booth. It smells like purple cleaner. Jeff and I sit on one side, and Hayes and Rochelle sit across from us. The seats squeak, when we sit down. It’s awkward again, but we order.
They start to bring in the food. I asked for anything without meat, dairy, or eggs.
They were nice enough to bring me a spinach salad with two cherry tomatoes on each side, and an almost raw, doughy bread stick. Even though this was a pizza, and pasta-based restaurant, this is all they “had” for me.
Some food gets passed out, and Hayes starts up again. He’s buzzed.
“Did they give you dressing?” He laughs.