If it weren't that Lydia was starting her chemo, I probably would have had more badgering from my sister, but as it was, both her and Cam were incredibly anxious about the treatment, so we all had more important things on our mind than my sex-life.
Going into work on Wednesday, I had my armour up and was ready for battle. I didn’t know whether Ben would appear and talk to me as if nothing had happened between us, or he would avoid me altogether. Going by his behaviour with Lou, who I knew had slept with Ben, he was friendly and respectful, without being too familiar. I wasn’t sure whether I would prefer that he avoided me, to be honest.
As it turned out Ben wasn’t at the club at all, I didn’t ask anyone where he was, but one of the boys mentioned he was at one of his other bars tonight. I felt the relief of not having to face him, as well as the regret that I wouldn’t be facing him.
Thursday was a stressful day, Cam had work and had taken so much time off when Lydia was in the hospital, which meant it wasn’t possible for him to take any more time off without it causing a problem with the cover. So, I was attending the chemo appointment with Lydia, and the kids were being collected by a friend of my sisters, for a playdate that Cam would pick them up from on his way home.
This left me free to stay at the hospital, while Lydia had her treatment and then take her home and be with her without the children being around until Cam got home later. I had already decided I wouldn’t be going in to work that night just in case my sister needed me, or if the children did, whether Cam was around or not. This also meant it was another day to enforce the shield of indifference that I had erected for when I next saw Ben.
Lydia was great, she was anxious but managed to get through the first session of chemo without any problems, and apart from feeling a little sick during the evening, she was relatively perky. Cam was his usual attentive husband, so I left them to it. I spent some time with the children, reading, or in Blake’s case letting him read to me, their new books that their mum and I had bought while we were at the mall in an attempt to keep their minds off of Lydia’s illness.
Once the kids were taken care of, I took the opportunity to have a long soak in the bath. I sat on my bed and painted my nails, something I hadn’t had a lot of time to do lately, but guessed I would probably have more time to do now that I didn’t have the added distraction of a six-feet-three blue-eyed man-whore. I didn’t have anyone to blame but myself, I knew what I was getting into with Ben, I just kind of imagined it would go on for the duration of my stay. That is what he demanded just a few days ago, but if he has lost interest, there was little I could do. It knocked my self-confidence, but I would get over it. I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship anyway, it was the one thing I had forbidden myself, so in a way, he’d done us both a favour.
Keeping this in mind, the following evening I went into Honour and didn’t flinch once when Ben sat at his usual spot at the bar. He was speaking to one of the barmen over the bar, so I didn’t acknowledge him, I laughed and flirted with the patrons, as I always did, pretending he wasn’t there. This worked well for me, seeing as the night flew and by the time it was time for closing, he had indeed disappeared.
It looked like this was how it was going to be, I didn’t need explanations or excuses. We were done. We had enjoyed ourselves, and it just so happened Ben had been the first to tire of it, one of us had to be the first and yes, I would have preferred it to have been me, but I had enough on with worrying about my sister for now.
‘I owe you an explanation,’ I jumped at the unexpected voice in the darkness. I had just opened my car door and was about to climb in. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.’
I turn to face Ben’s broodingly handsome face, my features set at casual. ‘You don’t owe me anything,’ I call brightly, determined that my shield was going to hold.
‘I have a lot on, with Ma and the clubs. I don’t have time for this, but I should have spoken to you about it. It was disrespectful to just leave without a word.’ He is standing a few feet away with his hands pushed deep into his trouser pockets.
‘Hey, it’s fine, honestly,’ I move to step up into Lydia’s truck. ‘It was fun, it’s over,’ I fling over my shoulder. ‘No damage is done, I assure you.’ I put my hand on the handle and look him directly in the eyes, ‘I’m off to get some shut-eye,’ I update him, ‘take care Ben, and maybe you should tell your security they aren’t needed, it was quite obviously a hoax.’
With that, I shut the door and pull away as quickly as I can without it looking like I’m moving away as quickly as I can. I don’t glance in the mirror, and I don’t release the held breath until I pull up outside my sister’s home. I feel like emotion is about to choke me, but know I have to keep it together until I get into bed. When I do, I sob silently into the pillow.
********
Chapter Twelve
It is the following Thursday, and it had been a full-on busy week. Lydia experienced a few of the side effects from the chemo, but thankfully not too many and was doing well. I had spent the entire weekend keeping the kids occupied. Saturday, Kristen had a birthday party, and Blake had football practice, which meant I had a couple of hours grace, but other than that I tried to keep them out of the house so Lydia could rest with Cam, who was off for the weekend. Sunday, I took them to the cinema and out to their favourite hamburger Diner for lunch. They loved all the extra attention, and it diverted the thought from the fact their mum was ill.
Monday, Cam was back to night-shifts, and the children were back to school, which meant I was needed at home and couldn’t work at Honour, until last night, Wednesday.
I hadn’t heard anything from Ben, but I had expected as much. I repeatedly told myself I was better off without weakness in my life, something I had decided a long time ago. My sister was a weakness, my nephew and niece were a weakness, anything that devastated you by their loss was a weakness. Even Cam was becoming a weakness. I cared about Cam, and I loved the way he adored my sister and had begun to take care of me.
Some weaknesses you had to accept, I loved my sister more than anything in the world. I couldn’t walk away from that, so I accepted it. But to love a man that could make your world spin, that sort of love I would avoid at all costs. You lose that kind of love like my mum did with my dad, it would leave you weak and pathetic. That was not a healthy kind of love.
I know from the brief time spent with Ben, that he could become that for me.
He sat on his usual bar stool and remained there for the duration, rather than retire to his office halfway through the night, as he usually did. The whole time I was there, I could feel his eyes burning through me, as I moved around the bar area. I never allowed my glance to fall on him even once, but as the tension of his intent stare started to penetrate, I began to wonder whether I should look for alternative employment.
It was because of this reason that tonight, although I have a shift, I have called in to say I won’t be coming in. It wasn’t because of my sister, who is doing much better, it was because I don’t want to spend another night with Ben’s eyes piercing into my back. I had even called when I knew Jay, one of the barman, was there to take a message, rather than speak to Ben himself. Cowardly, yep, but tonight I want as little hassle as possible, I want to let my hair down and not worry about anyone else, but myself.
Lou, had taken a night off from the club and her and a couple of her friends were going to a bar to celebrate her thirtieth birthday, and she had kindly asked me along. She had been a good friend to me since I joined Honour, she was blonde, beautiful and very friendly. I could see why Ben would be attracted to her. I could see how she would tempt any man. Lou was lovely. She had spoken to me once, when I first joined the staff, about Ben and how a good employer he was, but she had never shared that she had sex with him. It also made me respect her a little bit more, she didn’t sleep with the boss to broadcast it to the rest of the staff, neither did she do it to help her up the career ladder. She did it, I imagine because he is a
huge, hot, hulk of a man that had lust emanating from every pore. Pure and simple. She had asked how I knew Ben and I had explained the connection, but she had never requested details of our friendship as it grew.
Initially, when Lou had opened the invitation to celebrate with her and her girls, I had called off informing her I had to work, but after last night with Ben, I had called her back earlier today to check if the offer was still open. She had, in pure Lou style, screeched with glee and told me she was so excited that I was coming along and couldn’t wait.
I started to miss my friends from London and knew if I were at home I would have had a girly night out, by now, to distract me from the stresses and strains that I’m currently facing.
Surprisingly, my sister didn’t seem very happy when I told her and Cam.
‘I don’t know what the big deal is, I’m just having a night to myself,’ I told Liddy, ‘I’m going out with some girls from work.’
‘Okay, but are the kids getting too much for you?’ She asked, her pale face showing concern.
‘Not at all’ I promise, ‘I love having the munchkins, you know that.’
I watched her look over at Cam, as if for or guidance, but he seemed tight-lipped on the subject. ‘You are okay though?’ She asked.
‘What? Yes, why are you asking that?’ I eyed them both suspiciously, as I almost physically felt the pitying looks they were providing me.
‘Ben,’ Cam replied, that one word I least expected to come out of his mouth.
I swallow, deeply. ‘What about Ben?’ I ask, ignoring the plunging of my gut at the mention of his name.
‘It’s just, are you okay, about Ben and, you know?’ My sister queried, softly. ‘You’ve been kind of distant since you and he, well, you know,’ she stuttered.
I stop and digest what she is trying to say. I didn’t think I had behaved any differently this past week, but I evidently needed to conceal my emotions a little bit more carefully, because I had obviously not fooled either Lydia or Cam.
‘You can say the words, Honey-bee,’ I smile, patiently, ‘we had sex, we are no longer having sex and I’m fine with it.’ I hear Cam curse in the background and provide him with a roll of my eyes. ‘It wasn’t exactly romance of the year,’ I assure her, ‘and it was never going anywhere other than where it did, we all know that,’ I state. ‘It was fun while it lasted,’ I shrug, dismissively, ‘and now, I’m going out to let my hair down with the girls, that is all, I thought you would be pleased I’m making friends with the locals.’
‘I am,’ she assures me, ‘only…’ she looked nervously to her husband.
‘Will one of you spit it out?’ I call, irritably.
‘Ben called us a little while ago and wanted to know why you weren’t going to work?’ Cam interrupted. ‘I think he thought that something was up with Liddy,’ he explains.
‘Well, I take it you told him that she is fine,’ I check. I knew Ben thought the world of my sister, I hadn’t thought about him worrying that I wasn’t at work because there was a health scare with Lydia.
‘Of course!’ Cam answers, but I can tell he wants to say more.
‘Okay then,’ I scowl, ‘am I missing something, what exactly is the problem here?’
‘There isn’t a problem,’ my sister notifies me, ‘you go out with your girls and have a lovely time.’ Cam looks as though he is going to interrupt, but Liddy’s glare stops him in his tracks.
‘Okay then,’ I repeat, giving them both a strange look before turning to the bathroom to prepare for the evening.
I’d forgotten how it felt to get glammed up for a night out with the girls, something I often do at home, and suddenly I feel a bit homesick. Most of my friends are fellow nurses, mainly because we do the same unsociable hours and can empathise with the pressures of the job. We often get done up and enjoy a night in the local bar, or go into town and hit a club and I love every moment. All of my friends know how to kick back and have a good time. Being a nurse is a fulfilling job, but one that brings a lot of trauma, sadness and tension and the way we relax best is to let ourselves go on a wild night out.
I take in my reflection, I don’t mind admitting I look as good as I feel. I have lost a bit of weight since I’ve been in Denver, not intentionally but it seems running after my niece and nephew during the day and pacing the club of night, has worked its magic. I refuse to allow my mind to calculate the number of calories that I burned with the bedroom antics recently enjoyed.
I left my hair huge and wild and taken care when applying my makeup, from my kohl-lined eyes to my red lipstick. If my hair and make-up didn’t make a statement, then my little black dress indeed does as it drops to mid-thigh and moulds my curvy body.
My phone pings with a text, the girls are outside.
‘Jesus, fucking Christ!’ Cam mutters, as I walk out of the bathroom and into the living room, where he and Liddy are snuggled up on the sofa. ‘She can’t go out like that,’ he mutters to his wife, who just giggles.
‘Looking hot, Waspy,’ she grins.
‘Thanks, Honey-bee,’ I smile back. ‘My ride is here, don’t wait up guys!’ I call, as I step in my spiky heeled silver strappy shoes to the door.
The doorbell rings as I reach it and I throw it open with a smile, expecting Lou.
‘What the fuck?’ Ben stands before me with his mouth dropped open and his eyes almost popping out as they do a slow sweep of my entire length.
Before my whole body does a full-on tingle, I murmur, ‘Hi Ben. Cam and Liddy are inside, have a lovely evening,’ and I sashay out of the door, leaving the front door open for him to enter. Not even Ben fucking Taylor is going to spoil my evening tonight.
We have an absolute ball. Lou’s friends, not surprisingly, are as crazy as her and just as much fun. We hit a bar and indulge in a severe amount of shots before moving onto a club that rivals Honour. The men circle us as we dance ourselves stupid and eventually Lou and her friend, Michelle, take an instant liking to a couple of them.
A guy called Tony approaches me and asks if I want a drink, I playfully dance around with him, but I decline the drink. The last thing I need is to get wrapped around another man after Ben, not that Tony came close in comparison. He was a good-looking man, tall, but a bit too slim for my liking, he had whiskey coloured eyes and honey blonde hair that gave him a beach bum kind of look. He was hot, but not Ben-hot by any stretch of the imagination. I push aside the niggle deep inside of my chest that signified doubt whether anyone would ever compete with Ben, and instead tell Tony as tactfully as possible that I’m currently off of men. He accepts my decision but insists I have a drink with him anyhow, just as friends. Friends I could do, so I agree to a drink.
When the night begins to draw to an end, Lou slips off with her new love interest with a wink and a kiss and shortly after Michelle does the same. Tony is still hanging around at the bar with me, but to be honest, his conversation isn’t very stimulating, so I tell the other two girls, Sam and Sarah, who are now chatting with some different guys at the bar, that I’m heading out. We swap numbers and hug before I move outside to call a taxi home. I am pleased with how the night has gone and am feeling chilled out and much brighter than I had a few hours ago. I had managed to keep Ben from my thoughts for the most part, which was my main aim, regardless of what I told Lydia and Cam. There’s a lot to be said for letting your hair down with your girls.
When I walk outside into the chilly night breeze, I notice there are lots of people standing around, some making out, some just chatting while smoking cigarettes and possibly pot and some, like me, waiting for a lift home.
‘Sasha?’ A voice calls my name. It’s Tony.
‘Hey!’ I frown over to him. I had already said goodbye to him at the bar, where he had offered to drive me back to Lydia’s, but I had assured him I was okay with calling for a taxi.
He was standing by a blue sedan. ‘Jump in, I’ll drop you home,’ he instructs, casually, as he points to the car. ‘A taxi is going to take age
s at this hour,’ he smiles charmingly, ‘and just in case you’re worried, I heard what you said and am not intending on hitting on you as soon as I get you on your own.’
He is right, there are lots of people waiting for a taxi, so I know I am in for a long wait, but am obviously dubious about getting a lift from him when I have just met him, although he does seem like a decent guy. I assess, by his behaviour whether I think he has had too much to drink and then make a terrible mistake by thanking him and climbing into the vehicle.
It was five miles at most, what could go wrong?
I give Tony my address, and we head in that direction, he chats to me about his work as a mechanic and how he split with his long-term girlfriend six months ago. He seems like a respectable enough guy and doesn’t seem to have any hidden agenda. That is until his mobile phone rings, and he lifts it to his ear, while he is driving. Seeing as I have witnessed for myself in the emergency department of the hospital I worked in the downfalls of driving while distracted by your phone, I wasn’t a fan. I tried not to listen to his conversation and look out of the side window to try to give him some privacy. I hear him answer, in short, curt responses to whoever he is conversing with as if it’s in code and his cold tone is entirely different from the one he had been using with me all night.
I feel slightly uneasy, and it hits me at an alarming rate at how stupid I’ve been for getting in a car with a virtual stranger, whether I was eager to get home or not. At the crossroads he turns left where I know, he should have made a right. Panic sets in and I suddenly feel very sober.
‘Err, I think it’s that way, Tony,’ I interrupt his weird, one-sided conversation on his phone.
‘Shut it, bitch!’ he growls over to me, and I almost let go of my bladder.
‘Did you just call me a bitch?’ I mutter, freaking the fuck out.
Weakness Page 12