Weakness

by Shelley Michaels

  ‘You think all of that?’ I ask, running my fingers over the side of his face and into his hair.

  ‘Sure,’ he dips and places his lips softly on mine. ‘Now, you need time to process all that I just shared, I can give you that, but I need something back from you soon, baby.’

  ‘Okay, but, I really should go to work, my patients need me,’ something flickers in his glance, ‘but you’re right,’ I continue, ‘I need to get my head around things?’ I murmur, ignoring the nagging voice in my brain, which is telling me to throw caution to the wind and take a chance on Ben, here and now.

  He observes me for a beat too long as if trying to ascertain whether I am seriously thinking about things or am running scared. Then, as if he sees something in my face that reassures him, he nods, ‘go for it, I’ll drop you off and go and see a few pals.’

  ********

  BEN

  Ben watches her as she sways her way into the glass hospital doors, opening it for a man in a wheelchair to exit, before disappearing into the crowds. He has given it his all, laid his cards on the table, the rest is up to her. Apart from throwing her over his shoulder, caveman style, he has to let her come to him just as Kyle had advised.

  Thinking of his friend, he picked up his phone and pressed a button to connect him.

  ‘Hey man, just about to hit the sack,’ Kyle greets him. ‘How’s it going, she goes for it?’

  ‘Not sure, she’s thinking about it. Just dropped her at work, said we’d talk later,’ he updated him. Ben figured Kyle had succeeded in getting Shauna to Denver, so he would be the best person to turn to for guidance.

  ‘She’ll go for it, man. You have to be patient, finally got my woman in my bed, never thought it would happen, you know? Persevere. You told her what you intend?’ He asks.

  ‘Yeah, gave it to her right down the barrel, shocked the fuck out of her, but I think it was the only way,’ I explain. ‘What should I do now, you think?’

  ‘Leave it with her, step back and let her come to you. You staying in London?’ Kyle probes.

  ‘Yeah, can’t stay forever though,’ I run a hand over my face. ‘You see Ma?’ Kyle had promised that he and Shauna would stop in on his Ma while he was away so that she received visitors while he was indisposed.

  ‘Yeah, although she’s a bit flu-like, the warden has called in the doc. Shauna is taking Emmy in tomorrow to cheer her up,’ Kyle shared.

  ‘I’ll call in the morning and see how she’s doing, thanks, man, thank Shauna for keeping an eye out too,’ a worry settled deep in Ben’s chest as he disconnected the call.

  ********

  SASHA

  It was four-thirty when Pauline found me in the pharmacy. Her face was expectant and yet relieved when she located me.

  ‘Sasha!’ she exclaimed, ‘your hulk is at the nurse’s station, it seems there’s a bit of emergency, he apologised for turning up in the middle of your shift and asked if he could take five minutes of your time?’

  ‘Oh,’ I frown, ‘okay, I’ll be a minute,’ I checked through the medication of one of the patients and walked quickly back to the ward, my body feeling uneasy at Ben’s unexpected appearance. One look at his drawn face, as he leaned against the same wall, he stood against when he surprised me with a visit only a couple of days ago, and I knew it was serious. I pass the bag of meds to Sandra behind the counter and walk directly up to Ben and place my hand on his chest. His expression was distinctly apprehensive. ‘Everything okay, honey?’

  ‘Ma’s not doing so well, the doc’s been out and sent her to the clinic for an X-ray of her chest, they suspect pleurisy, I need to fly home, baby.’ He looks like he did when he found out his Pop had days to live all those months ago, devastated.

  ‘Okay,’ I stand there debating whether to offer myself as escort when he saves me the job.

  ‘I need you with me,’ he whispers down, the insecurity I have previously glimpsed only a few times during the early stages of his grandfather’s death apparent on his grave face. His Ma is the only living relative he has, just like Lydia is for me. What would I do if she needed me right now?

  ‘I’m here,’ I step closer. ‘You booked a flight?’

  ‘Leaves at seven-thirty,’ he advises, ‘I wasn’t certain,’ he looks so unsure of himself, I feel a piercing in my chest at the vulnerability in his hesitancy. ‘so, I booked you one too,’ his eyes bore into mine. ‘If you are coming, we should be leaving for the airport,’ he tests a glance up to the other nurses. ‘Can you do that?’

  ‘I can do that,’ I palm his cheek affectionately, ‘give me five minutes to change?’

  As I turn to walk away, he grasps my arm, and I twist to look at him, ‘I’m scared, Sasha.’

  ‘We’ll get through it together,’ I promise, he nods, and I move directly to the nurse’s desk to explain my imminent departure.

  ********

  Chapter Nineteen

  The flight was long, longer than the ten hours that it usually took, not in actual time but in head time. Ben was distracted and fidgety, the last place he wanted to be was in the confines of an aeroplane while he was worried about his mum’s health. Pleurisy, wasn’t a breeze in the healthiest of patients, in a patient that was pretty much immobile, it was downright dangerous.

  When we land in DIA, Ben checks his phone to find a text from Kyle, updating us that they had transferred Alex Taylor to the hospital in Denver. We make our way directly to her, only to find Cam, Kyle and Shauna all standing in the waiting room. I am so thankful, and I do not doubt that Ben is too, that she hadn’t been on her own. She may not recognise a lot of people these days, but to know she had people looking out for her, I could see by Ben’s face, meant the absolute world.

  Cam looks up, and his eyes widen in surprise, I guess because I am back in Denver and because I am standing beside Ben, my hand firmly in his, leaving no shadow of a doubt that we are a couple. I watch as the surprise in his expression transforms into relief. Both men shake Ben’s hand, Cam giving him an additional squeeze of the shoulder before they both kiss my cheek while Ben hugs Shauna in greeting.

  I hear Ben murmur quietly, ‘thanks for being here, darlin’,’ to Shauna.

  ‘Not a problem,’ she leans up and kisses his cheek, ‘do I need to remind you that I wouldn’t be here with my man if it weren't for you?’

  ‘Let’s call it quits,’ he smiles sadly down to her.

  ‘Okay, Ben,’ she grins. Shauna has a soft spot for Ben. It isn't in a romantic sense, although she has reminded me several times how handsome he is, but more in reverence of him helping her achieve her aim in transporting both her and her daughter to Denver.

  Cam hugs me hard and whispers in my ear, ‘glad you’re here, Sis.’ I hold him tight and feel the emotion building in my chest at his rare display of affection, ‘Liddy and the kids will be beside themselves. How’s he holding up?’

  I turn to look at Ben, who is in the process of asking Kyle for an update and requesting who is in charge of his mum’s care. ‘Not too good,’ I admit, he nods as if he was expecting my answer and steps back as Shauna approaches and brings me into her arms.

  ‘I’ve been sitting in Alex’s room with her,’ she tells me, ‘she sounds asleep now, they gave her something to calm her as she was getting a bit stressed out.’

  ‘Okay, thanks, Shauna. You’ve all been brilliant, stepping in,’ I glance around astounded by the generosity of the people in front of me. I have met Shauna twice up to now, and yet she treats me like we are old friends, she and her girls have made me feel welcome on both occasions we met, and for that I am grateful.

  ‘Remember, both Sophie and I are in the same boat as you, Sasha, alone in a strange country. I know you have your sister, but please consider us extended family because we have officially adopted both you and Ben,’ she grins and her already pretty face converts to one of pure beauty.

  ‘It’s appreciated,’ I send her a watery smile.

  ‘Sasha,’ Ben interrupts me, trepidation in
his gaze, ‘will you come with me?’

  ‘Of course,’ I take Ben’s outstretched hand and allow him to lead me to the nurse’s station.

  The nurse leads us to Alex Taylor’s private room and tells us that she will inform the consultant of Ben’s arrival leaving us alone with a very pale looking Alexandra Taylor, who looks peaceful in sleep although her breathing is laboured. The nurse had explained that they had given her something to make her more comfortable, as she was becoming agitated in the unfamiliar environment, something Shauna had already notified me.

  Ben sits directly on the side of the bed and holds his mum’s hand. ‘You think she can hear me?’ he asks.

  I step to the opposite side of the bed than Ben and look down at the fragile being, ‘possibly.’ I take her hand. Her pulse is a bit fast but regular. She coughs in her sleep. It makes a rattling sound that I know indicates a severe respiratory problem. She has an oxygen mask over her mouth to help her breath.

  ‘She okay?’ Ben notices what I am doing.

  ‘She’s relatively comfortable. It looks like they have antibiotics in the IV,’ I tell him. ‘That’s good.’ He nods, assured by my diagnosis.

  When the consultant arrives, we both stand and listen as he explains that Alex had flu-like symptoms that the care home had quite rightly treated with painkillers, but unfortunately it had progressed to pneumonia, which they were currently treating her for, the complication was pleurisy. The consultant clarified they were monitoring her and if necessary they would drain the lung, but at the moment she was stable. After Ben shook his hand, the doctor left us alone in the room.

  ‘You okay, honey?’ I check, watching him as he sits back on the bed and holds onto his mum’s hand for dear life.

  ‘She’s all I got,’ he states, blandly, his face severe, ‘I can’t lose her, it’s bad enough I’m losing her bit by bit to this goddam fucking disease, but at least she’s here.’

  My stomach plunges, I know how it feels to have only one person that means something, sympathy runs through me. I move around the bed and step up to him to run my hand over his jaw, bringing his face up to mine. Every time I look at his sharp masculine features, I almost lose my breath. He is perfect, and for a moment I want to pinch myself that he sincerely wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

  ‘She’s going to be fine.’ I don’t know that for sure, but the hope is all I have to offer him. ‘But whatever happens, I’m here for you,’ I pledge, with all I feel for him. ‘For as long as you need me.’ The love I hold for him warms my entire body as our eyes clash and stay as we connect turning the despair in his helpless glance to warm up just a fraction.

  He stands up and hooks a hand around my nape, bringing me closer to his face. ‘I told you, Queenie, I need you forever, I’m never letting you go.'

  I wrap my arms around his waist finding the usual comfort in his large grip. ‘What if you get bored of me? I’m not a very exciting person,’ I confess, half-playfully. ‘Most of the time I prefer the simple things in life. When I finish a shift at the hospital, I mainly want to shower, have a glass of wine and my bed, usually in that order. I’m telling you this because I can’t give all of me to you, only for you to throw it away a few months down the line when you tire of me or get a better offer. And sex, what happens if you get used to the wild sex we share and it loses its appeal, what happens then?’ I babble, trying to bring to mind all the different scenarios I can think of that could cause him to break up with me.

  A crooked smile lifts his lips and his eyes light with amusement. ‘Seriously? You think what we have begins and ends in the bedroom? Baby, there’s so much about you that I love, the phenomenal fucking is just the cream on the top. But, just for the record, I know for a fact our sex will always be wild because it’s the connection between us that causes that fire to build!’

  ‘SShhh,’ I hush him, nodding over to his mum asleep in the bed, ‘your mum!’

  ‘I don’t think she can hear, Queenie,’ he marvels, pulling me closer. ‘I love you, I want you in my life permanently, I don’t want to wake to anyone else, and there is no better offer. I love that you aren’t a social butterfly and prefer to spend an evening with me in the loft, rather than out every night. We want a night out, I’ll take you to one of the clubs, or you can go with your girls, but you’ll be coming home to me no matter what.’

  ‘Benjamin!’ A breathless voice interrupts us. We both spin around to see Alex, her eyes glassy-eyed with the medication they have pumped into her, as she looks directly at her son as she holds out the oxygen mask from her lips to enable her to speak.

  ‘Hey, Ma,’ Ben’s voice is soft as he leans over and pushes her hair off of her forehead placing a kiss firmly in the middle.

  ‘Such a handsome boy,’ she wheezes.

  I hold my breath; I had never seen Alex lucid. I knew it occasionally happened, only because Ben had told me. At that moment, it occurred to me why he visited her almost every day. It wasn’t because she would miss his visits because she failed to recognise him the majority of the time, it was on the off-chance he received a few precious moments with the beloved mum he knew and loved.

  I’m ecstatic that right now when he needs it the most, he is getting this rare gift.

  ‘Get it from you, Ma,’ he teases. I smile and watch as she takes a deep breath and smiles, wow, she is beautiful without a doubt. ‘You feeling okay?’ He asks, softly.

  ‘I’m sleepy, Benji,’ she coughs hard, and I move around to help her sit up a bit. She stares up at me with the same intent blue gaze as her boy. ‘You got yourself a pretty one, son,’ she comments, once the coughing subsides.

  ‘Making her mine, Ma,’ he glances over to me, and I hold my breath at the pride in his glance. My belly somersaults and I provide him with a shaky somewhat cautious smile.

  ‘She’s a lucky girl, baby,’ Alex Taylor croaks, affectionately.

  ‘I’m the lucky one, Ma,’ he insists.

  Then like a door slamming, she’s gone, her eyes go blank, and she starts to call me Tanya and to ask me when her son is coming to see her. I sense, and at the same time witness, Ben’s shoulders deflate in disappointment. Even though he is used to it, I don’t envisage anyone could ever really get used to it, no matter how often it happens.

  A knocking at the door diverts my attention, and I walk over to see it’s Cam, Ben stands and calls him into the room.

  ‘Sorry to disturb you guys, I need to get the kids. Kyle is hanging around the waiting room, Shauna’s gone to get you coffee. You need anything before I go?’ He requests, softly.

  ‘No, we’re good, Cam. Thanks again, man. Tell Lydia we’ll pass by as soon as we can,’ he tells my brother-in-law, who nods and flicks out two fingers as he leaves the room with a wink for me.

  It’s another three hours before we leave the hospital and a comfortable Alex, to go home and grab a few hours’ sleep. We are both exhausted after the long flight and could do with a long, hot shower. Shauna and Kyle had left an hour after we arrived, to get home to Shauna’s daughter, who was currently with Kyle’s mum at the hotel she ran in Krystal.

  By the time we reached Ben’s, I was dead on my feet. I didn’t have it in me to absorb the impact of either being back in Denver or his home. Initially, when I had left I had speculated whether I would ever see this place again, but right then all I had for me to do was keep my eyes open long enough to shower. I stripped off and stood under the cascading water while Ben brought in our things from the Range Rover, that one of his security guys had brought to the airport for us, and sieved through his post and voice messages. As I stepped out of the cubicle, he stepped directly in tipping my chin up to place a brief kiss on the corner of my mouth. I brushed my teeth and pulled on one of his tee’s in silence and climbed onto the bed and into a deep slumber within seconds.

  The warmth that had been surrounding me left, I turned to it, but it had disappeared. Then I heard Ben’s sleepy voice and forced my eyelids to open. He was sitting on the bed, hi
s broad shoulders all I could see as spoke into the phone.

  ‘Okay, we’ll be right there,’ he threw the phone on the side cabinet with a clank.

  I sat up, ‘everything, okay?’ My voice was raspy. I hadn’t had nearly enough sleep. I glance at the clock on Ben’s side cabinet to see it was only seven a.m., which meant we had precisely three and a half hours sleep.

  ‘Need to get back to the hospital, Ma’s not good,’ his voice was empty, emotionless and I knew he was preparing for the worse. Fuck!

  I jump out of bed, ‘okay, honey,’ and begin to pull out underwear and a pair of jeans from the case that I’d rushed to pack in my flat, what seemed like just a few hours ago. I tug them on and felt Ben beside me doing the same. ‘You want me to make coffee, or?’

  ‘No coffee,’ his tone worries me, but I carry on pulling on a bra and sweatshirt and move to the bathroom to splash my face and quickly brush my teeth. My hair is wild from going to bed with it wet, so I tip my head upside down and pull it into a bun on top of my hair and take a moment barely to glimpse at my pale face before I am trotting down to the car with Ben’s face set to blank.

  When we walked in, I knew from one look that things weren’t going to end well for Alexandra Taylor, the infection had spread, and she had gone into septic shock. She was now in the intensive care unit on a ventilator, and a tube inserted into her lung in an attempt to drain off the fluid. The doctors were pumping anti-biotics through her veins along with hydration to reverse the effects. The on-call consultant was present and explained to us what they had done in the few hours since we left.