"No kidding. Do you want to grab a bite or anything?"
"Oh…well, we can if you want. It’s just that I’m pretty sweaty and tired. I think that's the most physical activity I've gotten since Jeff died." His head whips around, chin on his chest. And I realize what I just said. "Wow, um, that came out wrong. I meant that you know…I used to exercise and stuff, but since Jeff died it hasn't been a priority, so my body is out of shape and I’m not used to the grunting and groaning that comes with physical exertion. Oh my God! Wow. I’m going to shut up now."
He laughs and lightly brushes my shoulder, "It's okay. I knew what you meant.”
I can’t help but laugh at the awkwardness of the situation. "No you didn't. I saw your face whip around when I said it."
He chuckles. "Okay, yeah maybe. Makes sense now. It just came out...a little wrong, that's all."
"Yeah, tell me about it." Heat covers my face as I blush from embarrassment. But there’s nowhere to hide, so I might as well try to find the humor in it.
Nash turns the key over and pulls out of the dirt lot and onto the main highway. We sit in silence. I’m not even sure where we’re going. He mentioned a bite to eat, but after my mouth vomit he didn’t mention it again. And I’m not sure if I want to get a bite to eat with him. We’ve had a great day, but I need a timeout. A lot has happened today, and I don’t know how to feel or what to think about any of it.
He must have sensed my reservation about dinner because he pulls into my driveway, and I feel my body relax at the prospect of being by myself. He turns off the truck and leans back against his door. He opens and then closes his mouth as a pensive expression crosses his face. The weight I saw lifted from his shoulders on the cliff has now returned, and I’m not sure why. Maybe now that we’re back in the real world, he’s uncomfortable about what he shared? I hope not, because I’m not. I’m glad he knows. He knows everything now. Well, almost everything. But the guilt I carry, and the why of it, I will take to my grave.
"Nash, seriously, thank you for today…for taking me to the cliff, for opening up to me. Your friendship means a lot to me."
He runs his hand through his hair and says, "You’re welcome. I’m glad I opened up to you too. It's been a long time since I’ve done so...but…you make it easier."
"I know what you mean. I don't really talk to anyone either...well, my best friend Olivia, but she's not here, so I don't get to talk to her as much as I would like."
"Where is she?"
"She lives in New Haven, Connecticut. She's a doctor at Yale."
"Wow."
"Yeah, it's kind of a dream job for her, and she's one of the youngest doctors there, so her schedule is a disaster. We sometimes go months without talking to one another, but we always pick up right where we left off. Well, we used to go months, but now she checks up on me more. But not much has changed in my life in the past nine months or so." He slowly nods. And then I realize how that sounded. "Oh wow, that came out wrong too. I didn't mean that.” I bury my face in my hands. “Man, I’m putting my foot in my mouth today."
He laughs. "It's okay. I knew what you meant."
"No, really.” I look back up at him. “I talk about you all the time to her. Well not all the time, but...wow. Okay, Jensen, shut up."
"Jen, it's okay. You're cute when you're nervous and rambling." I jerk my head in his direction and see his face flush with embarrassment. "Wow, it's contagious. Now I’m saying things I shouldn't."
My hand fumbles for the door handle. I finally reach it and throw it open before saying, "Um yeah…okay…well, I guess I'll see you later." I jump out of the car, grab my backpack from the truck bed and run up the porch steps as fast as my sore body will allow.
Chapter 20
I set my backpack on the dining room table, unzip it, and begin to remove its contents, unable to get what Nash just said out of my mind.
It was just a friendly thing to say. He didn’t mean anything by it. Why am I making it a big deal? I’ve learned that if you keep moving and do something, you can trick your mind into focusing on something else. So I empty my bag, carry it upstairs, and throw it in the closet before heading to the shower.
But in the shower, my mind drifts back to Nash. I’m surprised at how he opened up. Nash doesn't seem like the type of person who would ever consider suicide. But unfortunately, I now understand what grief can do to a person. As I’m getting out of the shower and wrapping the towel underneath my arms, I can’t help but to wonder what could have happened for him to even consider that.
Even though I’ve been consumed with grief and guilt, I’ve never thought about taking my own life. Are there days that I wish I were dead with them? Absolutely. But thinking about actually taking my life has never been a viable solution. I couldn’t put my family and friends through any more grief than what they’ve already experienced.
I’m trying to be as patient with him as he’s been with me, but I wish he would open up more. I don’t know why he was at a bereavement support group. I don’t know anything about his family and friends. But it’s not like he’s hiding something. We’ve been in public together. He’s invited me over to his house. He just seems really private and I shouldn’t pry. He hasn’t asked me things about my life that I didn’t want to share, so I should do the same and respect that mutual understanding between us.
After talking about Olivia to Nash, I realize it’s been awhile since I called her when I’m having a good day so I take the opportunity to do it now.
"Hey, hooker," Olivia says.
"Well, I take it you’re not at work answering like that."
"Nope, you happened to catch me on my night off. I’m hanging out with some of the nurses from work, trolling for guys. What are you doing?"
I sigh. I’m constantly forgetting that other people's lives are still going on. I can hear the music in the background as well as voices. "Oh nothing, but I can let you go. I just wanted to say hi."
"Hang on a sec." I hear Olivia tell her friends she’s leaving and will see them tomorrow at work. "Okay, I’m all ears, kid. What's going on?"
"Liv, don't leave on my account. I can talk to you another time."
"Bullshit. I want to talk to you. Plus I already got my coat from the coat-check, and I’m hailing a cab. So spill, sister. What's going on?"
"Nothing. I really am just calling to say hi." I can hear Olivia moving around on the other end of the phone.
"110 Church Street. Sorry. So, you’re okay?”
I feel guilt that she assumes the only reason I call her is when I need her to comfort me. "Yes, I’m okay. I actually had a pretty good day.”
"Were you with Nash?"
"Yeah, how’d you know?"
"I don't know, maybe because he's the only one you ever talk about anytime we text."
I yank the pick through my hair as it gets stuck on a tangle. "What does that mean?"
"What?"
"What's that supposed to mean, Liv?"
"It’s not supposed to mean anything—unless you want it to."
"I feel like you're insinuating something."
"Nope, I thought I was just stating the truth. Is there a problem with that?"
"Seriously Olivia, you don't waste your breath unless you're trying to make a point, so what is it?"
"I meant nothing more than what I said. You don't talk about anything else when I talk to you. It's not a bad thing."
"Yes, it is. You're making it seem like...I don't know...that...I don't know, I just don't like what you’re implying."
"I’m making it seem like you might have feelings for him, is that what you wanted to say?"
"No! Olivia I don't have feelings for him. We're just friends."
"Okay."
"That’s it? That's all you're going to say?"
"What do you want me to say?"
"I don't know."
"Thanks, keep the change." I hear a car door slam and Olivia walking up the stairs as her breathing becomes more labored. "I’m gla
d you had a good day. What did you do?"
"He took me hiking and..."
"Hiking? You don't hike!"
"I realize that, Liv, but there's lots of things I do now that I didn't use to, like go days without showering or eat cookie dough for dinner. Do you really want to get into all that?"
"No, keep going."
I sigh heavily. "Anyways, we went hiking and there was something therapeutic about it. Parts of it were narrow, and the edge was terrifying, but I liked it. The view was amazing. It’s the first time I've felt some peace...since Jeff died.” I want to tell her how Nash was protective when I got closer to the edge or how it felt being in his arms. But I don’t. Because then I would have to admit out loud what I felt, and I don’t want it to be true.
"I can’t imagine you hiking, but if it helps I’m glad.”
"It did. And I even think it helped Nash a little. He finally opened up to me."
"Finally. What kind of dirt did he give you?"
"What is wrong with you?" I hear the faint sound of a cork being popped, and as usual Olivia is opening a bottle of wine to settle into our conversation.
"What kind of best friend would I be if I didn't help you analyze the crap out of his twisted past?"
I shake my head at the humor in her voice. "You would think after all these years you wouldn't still shock me."
"You would think."
"He doesn’t have a twisted past. Well, I don't think anyway."
"Parker, everybody has a past.”
“I’m aware of that, painfully aware. I made an ass out of myself tonight in reference to my past.”
The gulping on the other end stops when she asks, “How so?”
"When we got back to the truck, I put my foot in my mouth and said something about not getting that physical since Jeff died."
I hear Olivia splutter and then start to laugh. "You just made me spit out my wine. You're joking?"
I walk into the bedroom and flop onto the bed, covering my eyes with my arm. I didn’t realize how bad it sounded until I said it out loud. "No, I then started rambling in the car and put my foot in my mouth again, and then he told me I was cute." I wait for Olivia to say something, but she doesn't. "Well?"
"Well what?"
"Well, isn't that wrong? I mean, telling the grieving widow she's cute?"
"You can't be a grieving widow forever.”
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Exactly what I said."
I feel my face flush, and that anger I’ve grown so accustomed to is starting to announce its unwelcome visit. "So, you think it's okay for him to be hitting on someone whose husband hasn't even been dead a year?"
"Was he hitting on you or paying you a compliment?"
"I called you so that you could help me, not confuse me more."
"I’m sorry. But I don't think you’re confused. I just don't think you're ready for what's happening. And that's okay."
"What are you talking about?"
“You’re my best friend, and I love you more than most of my own family members, but haven't you lost enough?"
"I don't understand."
"You lost your husband and your child. You gave up your career and pretty much every one of your and Jeff's friends, and you barely talk to your family anymore. Are you going to give up every chance at happiness for the rest of your life?"
I squeeze my eyes shut. She’s trying to help, but I don’t want to hear this. Olivia doesn’t understand the guilt I carry. They wouldn’t be dead if I hadn’t been so selfish, so yes, I will give up every chance because I don’t deserve to be happy.
"Jensen?"
"Don’t call me that. It’s weird. You never call me that."
"Kiddo, I don't want to upset you, but you also know I’m going to tell it to you straight."
"I know.” I desperately need to change the subject. This conversation is over. “So, how's work?"
"Is that really what you want to talk about?"
"Yep. I called to check in to see how my best friend is doing."
"If you want to change the subject, I’ll let you…for now."
I listen, reply when necessary, and act interested in what Olivia’s saying, but I’m relieved when the conversation finally wraps up. We’ve been at different stages in our lives for quite some time now. She’s busy with her career and still does the bar scene when she has time. She’s also tried online dating, but overall Olivia is one of those people who doesn't need someone in her life to be happy. She has a career and great friends and could survive on the occasional one-night stand here and there. I have never envied that about her because I’m a relationship girl. I’ve never had a one-night stand and never even casually dated. I had a boyfriend in high school and one in college, and besides a few dates for sorority parties that my friends set up, that was it besides Jeff.
Yet I now find myself stuck in this in-between of never imaging myself in a relationship again while knowing I can’t live my life alone either. One of those stupid grief books my mom gave me showed a chart about how people who were happily married when their spouse died have a greater chance of getting remarried. That doesn't make sense to me. Wouldn't those people be so devastated that they wouldn't be able to move on? Or is that just how I feel? Or is that the guilt talking?
I climb into bed, wet hair and all. I hope that the hiking has made me tired enough to get a good four to five hours of uninterrupted sleep. I get the covers just right when I hear a text come through on my phone. I figure it’s Olivia texting to apologize for being so blunt. But I don’t feel like talking any more tonight, so I ignore it. It beeps again. Annoyed, I lean over and pick up the phone from the nightstand. I’m surprised to see Nash's name on the screen.
Hey...hope you're not sleeping…
I was laying here trying to sleep and I couldn't stop thinking about what I said. Sorry I made you uncomfortable. We had a good day today, and I didn't want that to be the last thing that I said to you. I’m sorry. See you Tuesday.
I read it and immediately feel ashamed of how I handled the situation. I don't want to make him feel bad. I need to get over my own issues. He’s been nothing but supportive and nice to me, even when I haven’t deserved it.
Hey. I'm awake. I should apologize to you. I overreacted...I’m sorry. It's been so long since I’ve had a guy friend and I've forgotten how to do this. And there’s all these other feelings I’m trying to work through, but I think today I realized...you’re my best friend and it scares me.
I don’t want to put myself out there like that, but it’s a little easier since it’s through a text and not face-to-face.
Why does that scare you?
I debate how honest I want to be. I know what Olivia was trying to get me to admit. I’m battling with why I’m so defensive. Because it’s not true or because she couldn’t be more right?
I don't know. I’m still trying to figure that out. I’m not going to pretend that I’m easy to like. Most days I don't know up from down. But one of the few things I do know is that I appreciate your friendship...and I don't want to lose it.
I’m nervous when Nash's response takes longer to come back than the others. I’m ready to jump out of bed when he finally gets back to me.
Jen, you're so easy for me to like that it scares me too. I opened up to you so easily and I can't explain it. You’re my best friend too so you're not going to lose me. I know things are hard now but it won't always be this hard. I’m sure that's difficult to hear and even more difficult to imagine but you have to start to believe it.
I read the text three times, and I can feel the apprehension in what he’s saying. I feel better hearing him say he’s not going anywhere. I can't lose him. I also don't know if I have the strength to totally let someone else in, knowing that in the end, that's exactly what could happen. I think about that longer than I should because he texts me back before I respond.
Please tell me I didn't upset you with my last text?
I respond. No, sor
ry…just thinking. Thank you for being honest, that's all I ever want you to be. But right now, I can only see the day in front of me and when the sun goes down and the lights go out, I see nothing ahead of me, only what was behind me.
That’s okay. You haven't let go yet.
If you're telling me I have to let go of my past to jump into my future, I’m not sure I’m capable.
I know it feels like that right now...
But what if it always feels like that?
I don't know Jen. I don't have the answer to that, I think only you do.
A sudden coldness envelops my body. This is the first time that Nash hasn’t imparted some great words of wisdom, and it scares me. I don’t have the answer to that, either. I know Jeff is gone, and I know my child is gone. What I don't know is where that leaves me. So, if I’m supposed to have the answer, I’m screwed.
I set my phone down and throw my body under the covers, praying for sleep.
Chapter 21
It’s been over two months since Nash and I first went hiking. We’ve never talked about it again, any of it. I’m waiting, trying to be patient for him to tell me more, but he hasn’t yet. We’ve hiked several more times and have done numerous things around the city as friends, but we’ve never shared like we did that day. Most of the time we just enjoy the peace in the quiet that we both seem to be comfortable with.
I haven’t been back to support group either, but my mom no longer fusses about it. She’s mentioned to me that I’ve put on some weight and that my dark circles aren’t as pronounced. I also laughed the other day in front of her when she drank expired milk in her coffee. The look on her face was priceless. She looked happy, like she just saw me take my first step. Maybe in a way I did. It was the first time I laughed with someone besides Nash since they’ve been gone.
Even though Nash and I never attended support group again, we’ve never missed a Tuesday. Even with his weird schedule. Sometimes we’ve done breakfast after he got off of work, or we even went at 4:00 p.m. one day before his night shift. I guess you could say we started our own little support group.
The Loss Between Us Page 10