“I get it, believe me I do.”
“Only you don’t, Kane. You don’t understand at all. You weren’t here. Your life didn’t revolve around him.” I swipe angrily at my tears. “I’m lost. I don’t even know which way is up or down anymore. I’m so twisted up inside. I feel like I’m suffocating every second of every day and nothing makes it better. I tried pretending with you. I tried pushing it to the back of my mind and focusing on something else if even for the briefest moment but that has only served to make me feel even more guilty.”
“You have no reason to feel guilty,” he argues.
“Yes I do,” I scream, emotion getting the better of me.
“Why?” His temper flares and for the first time I see the true pain engrained in every pore of his face. Pain he’s been trying to hide all night.
“Because I lived,” I choke. “I lived and he died.”
“You can’t do that to yourself.”
“Yes I can, because it’s my fault.”
“It’s not your fault, Elara. It was an accident.”
“I don’t know if I can live with this.” My voice is borderline hysterical.
“You’re going to have to find a way to. For Kam if nothing else. He wouldn’t want this for you. This guilt you’re carrying. You know he wouldn’t.”
“Yeah, well I’m not sure it really matters anymore.”
“Of course it does.” He takes a step toward me. “And I don’t care how much you say you hate me, I know you don’t. You need me,” he says, sliding the Dodgers hat from his head and gently placing it on mine. “I know you do because I need you the same way.” He forces a soft smile as he adjusts the hat on my head, stepping back to really look at me. “There. Looks much better on you.”
“Kane.” I reach up and run my hand along the frayed bill of the hat.
“Kam would want you to have it.”
“I’m sorry for what I said.” I let out a frustrated breath, finally able to get a small grasp on my emotions.
“Don’t be.” He reaches over and takes my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Come on, I’ll drive you home.”
Two months later…
“You sure you girls don’t need my help?” My dad’s voice is muffled as I balance my phone between my face and shoulder, trying to tape up the moving box in front of me.
“I think we’ve got it under control. I don’t really have that much stuff. Besides, by the time you’d get here I’d likely be done.” I straighten my posture, pushing the finished box to the side.
“I still can’t believe my baby girl is finally coming home.”
“Dad, I hate to break it to you but I haven’t been your baby girl for a very long time.” I chuckle, tossing a few shirts into one of the boxes reserved for clothing.
“You will always be my baby girl, peanut. Always. I just wish mom could be here to see what an incredible young woman you’ve grown into.”
“Me too.” I push past the sadness that settles over me, not wanting to get into this with him right now.
It’s not that I don’t like talking about my mom, I do. I want to remember how amazing she was. I want to honor her memory by keeping it alive for as long as I live. But it’s hard when so much has happened recently and so many wounds are still so fresh.
The loss of Kam not only ripped a hole right through me, it also reopened the wound left by the loss of my mother four years ago. It’s honestly hard for me to even think about at the moment. I’ve lost so much over the last few years.
“She’d be so proud of you, I hope you know that.” My dad pulls me back into the conversation.
“I don’t know about that.” I sigh, taking a seat on the corner of my bed.
My gaze immediately goes to the large white two story house next door. Kam’s house. I have a perfect view of it from my apartment above Carol’s garage. It’s one of the many reasons why I’ve decided it’s time to leave. I can’t bear to look at it knowing Kam isn’t there anymore.
“I am.” My dad once again pulls me from where my thoughts have drifted. “Don’t sell yourself short, Elara. You’re only twenty-two. You just graduated college three months ago. You’ve got time to figure things out. In the meantime, I will be so happy to have you home. I told you that I talked to Amy at the Freeport Journal, didn’t I?” my dad asks, referring to the small town local newspaper that is pretty much obsolete at this point but somehow manages to still stay in business.
“You did.”
“She called me yesterday. Said once you get settled to stop in and see her. I think she has a couple positions she’s willing to consider you for. Might help get your feet wet and establish some experience. Even if it’s not what you want to do long term, I think it will be a good stepping stone.”
“Okay, I will make sure to stop by to see her next week if I can,” I say, knowing I need to line up a job sooner rather than later.
The last thing I want to do is be one of those children that live with their parents forever. Though I’m sure my dad wouldn’t complain, especially considering I’m his only child. I on the other hand, am hoping moving back to my childhood home will be very temporary.
“It’s going to be so good to have you home, sweetheart. Do you know when you plan to head out yet?”
“I promised Carol we’d do dinner tomorrow evening so I’ll likely leave the next morning.”
“Okay. Just make sure you call me when you leave and be sure to check in along the way.”
“I will.”
“And don’t stop off at any rest stops. Make sure to go to a populated gas station if you need to stop for any reason.”
“I know, Dad.” I shake my head even though he can’t see me.
“I just worry about you driving that far by yourself.”
“Dad, it’s less than fourteen hours. I think I can handle it.”
“I know. But I’m your father and it’s my job to worry about you.”
“I’ll be fine. I promise. But I really do need to get off of here if I want any hope of being able to finish packing before tomorrow.”
“Okay. Don’t forget to call me when you leave,” he reiterates.
“I won’t, Dad.”
“I love you, peanut. Tell Aunt Carol hi for me.”
“I will. Love you too.”
Ending the call, I drop backward onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling as I try to sort through the nervous energy that’s been buzzing through me since I made the decision to move home.
A part of me is excited. I miss my dad terribly and it will be really nice to be around some of my friends again. The other part of me feels like I’m running away. I hate to look at it that way but to an extent it’s true.
It’s too hard being here. Everywhere I go I see Kam. Everything I do I’m reminded of him; of memories we made together before he died. The more time that passes the more I find myself avoiding all the places we used to go together. I’ve even started taking a different route to work every day to avoid passing Zachary’s, which I haven’t visited since that night with Kane.
Just the thought of Kane causes a weird stirring in my chest. His dark eyes flash through my mind and I sit up abruptly, my gaze immediately finding Kam’s old Dodgers hat that’s sitting on top of my dresser.
I remember the night Kane gave me that hat, how he claimed to need me as much as he thought I needed him. Turns out he didn’t need me all that much considering he flew back to Illinois the next day without as much as a goodbye.
I found out from his mom a couple days later when I stupidly walked next door to see him only to find he was no longer there. I didn’t expect to be as disappointed by the news or as hurt as I was for that matter.
I guess I had hoped we could be friends. Or maybe I had just naively believed that he would somehow step in and fill the void that Kamden had left behind. I’ve realized since then that there’s not a single person on this earth that could take Kam’s place – and I don’t want them too either.
Stan
ding, I cross the room and pick up Kam’s hat, running my fingers along the frayed bill. Looking up into the mirror that’s attached to the dresser, I slide the hat on my head, remembering all the times Kam had done it for me.
A sad smile graces my face as I take in my reflection moments before my gaze lands on the picture of me and Kam taped to the bottom left corner of the mirror. I pull it off, peeling the tape from the back before turning it upright again. Kam’s smiling face is the only thing I can focus on.
I run my finger over his photograph, wishing I could shake this feeling that by moving back to Arkansas I’m betraying his memory somehow. Honestly I just didn’t know what else to do.
I’ve spent weeks walking around like a zombie. Not able to eat. Barely able to sleep. Until one night I made the decision that the only way for me to move on was to leave this part of my life behind me. And in doing so, I’m leaving Kamden behind as well.
It’s not lost on me that this is the exact thing I did when my mom died – I ran away. But leaving home feels different this time around. Back then I was running to Kam, not away from the memory of my mom. Now, I have no one left to run to.
Don’t get me wrong, my dad is amazing, but he’s not my mom. He’s not that good at talking about feelings and anytime I try to discuss anything of real importance he has no idea what to really say. So while I’m happy to go home to my dad, I also know that I’m going to have to find a way to heal on my own this time. No one can do it for me.
Taking the hat off, I tuck the picture of me and Kam inside it and lay them at the top of one of the moving boxes. Closing the sides, I quickly tape the box up, determined to not let myself fall back into the same cycle I do every time I wallow for too long.
Kamden is gone. I’ve given myself two months to wrap my head around that fact and yet it still doesn’t seem real most days. Regardless, it’s time I stop living in the past. I’m not doing anyone any good by hiding out in this apartment all day long trying to shut out the world.
So with a renewed sense of determination, I continue packing, knowing that even if it doesn’t feel like it now, this will be the best thing for me in the long run.
****
“I was hoping you’d come by and see me before you left.” Mary Thaler smiles at me through the screen door before joining me on the porch. “You’re all packed up then?”
“I am.” I rock back on my heels. “I just wanted to come say goodbye to you and Kris before I headed out.”
“Kris is at the office this morning. It’s likely he won’t be home until later this afternoon. He’s going to be sorry he missed you.”
“I should have come yesterday evening,” I say, knowing I had planned to but decided against it last minute.
I knew saying goodbye to Kam’s parents would be difficult so I kept pushing it off. These are two people who treated me more like a daughter than the girl who lived next door. Over the years they’ve become family and leaving them behind is not an easy thing to do.
“Normally he would have been here but I guess there’s some accounting issue that couldn’t wait until Monday morning.” She swipes her hand through the air.
“That man works too much.” I shake my head on a smile, knowing she whole heartedly agrees.
“Don’t we both know it.” She chuckles. “I think it helps him though. Gives him something to focus on.”
“I understand that,” I agree, not really sure what else to say.
“It’s going to be strange not having you next door anymore,” she redirects, her hazel eyes so much like Kam’s it’s difficult to meet her gaze. “I bet your dad is excited to have you coming back home.”
“He is.” I nod, knotting my hands together.
Sensing my unease, Mary reaches out and takes both of my hands in hers. “You’re doing the right thing, Elara. You know you are. Kam wouldn’t want this life for you. He’d want you to move on, to be happy, and that’s what we want for you too.”
“I know.” I fight back the tears that instantly well in my eyes at her words.
“We are sure going to miss you though.”
“I’m going to miss you too.”
“You make sure you call every now and again, okay? Let us know how you’re doing.”
“I will.”
Mary releases my hands and instantly pulls me into a hug. It’s one of those hugs that only mothers can give. The ones that make you feel safe and loved. I remember how my mother’s hugs would always make me feel better, no matter what was going on.
“You take care of yourself, my sweet girl,” she says before finally releasing me and taking a full step back.
“I will.” I offer her one last smile before quickly turning and walking away, not able to look back in fear that I might never leave if I do.
This isn’t just about leaving Mary and Kris. It’s about leaving the place that holds every single memory of Kamden in it. It’s about saying goodbye. To Kamden. To his parents. To the town I thought I’d live in for the rest of my life. To the girl I used to be and to the girl I am now.
Carol meets me at the car moments later, babbling hysterically about how much she’s going to miss having me around. After spending the next fifteen minutes crying like we’re never going to see each other again, I finally climb into my car and pull away, watching Kamden’s house grow further away in the rearview mirror before it finally disappears from view.
I push back the tears that threaten to spill over, knowing I’m going to have to save them for the one last stop I need to make.
It only takes me about ten minutes to reach him. I know exactly where he is, even though I haven’t been able to bring myself to come here since the day of his funeral. Pulling off the small street, I climb from the car and cross the expansive green space peppered with hundreds of head stones until I find the one I’m looking for. Kamden Joseph Thaler engraved across the front in thick letters. It’s the first time I’ve actually seen it – his name etched across the front of the headstone.
“Hey, Kam.” I slide down onto the ground in front of his grave, reaching out to run my hand along the cool stone. “Sorry I haven’t come to see you sooner. I’m sure you understand why,” I say as if he’s sitting right in front of me.
“So, I’m moving back to Arkansas today. I’ve got my car packed up and ready to go but I needed to come see you first.” I blink away the tears that are already threatening to spill over. I’ve cried more times than I care to admit over the last couple of days. I never dreamed that saying goodbye would be quite so hard.
“Dad’s thrilled of course.” I clear my throat and continue, “Aunt Carol not so much. And me, well I don’t know that I’m really sure how I feel right now. A part of me knows it’s for the best. But the other part of me feels guilty leaving you behind.”
I pull at a few long pieces of grass that have sprouted in front of his head stone.
“I know you understand and I know you want me to be happy. But happiness is in short supply these days. Has been ever since you left. But I’m trying, Kam. I promise I am. It’s just really, really hard.” Tears trickle down my cheeks but I don’t bother to wipe them away. It’s just me and Kam right now.
“Anyway, I have your old Dodgers hat. Kane gave it to me. I hope you don’t mind that I’m taking it home with me. I know how much you loved that old raggedy thing. I also have your camera. You left it at my house the last time you were there, remember? I haven’t been able to bring myself to look at the pictures saved on there but one day I think I will. Hopefully there’s not too many embarrassing ones of me. Then again, I think I might like it if there are. Because you always did love catching me at the worst possible moments.” I laugh through my tears.
“I miss you so much, Kam.” A tidal wave of emotion hits me and it takes me several long moments to pull myself from the weight of it enough to speak again.
“I meant what I said that day when I told you I love you. It wasn’t just because you kissed me either. I think I fell in love wit
h you the first day I met you and that love only continued to grow over the years. At first I was angry, angry that we never got our chance. But then I realized that we did. We may not have shared certain things but in all the ways that count, I was yours and you were mine. I think in a way I’ll always be yours.” I pause, thinking over my next words.
“I need to tell you I’m sorry. I know you think I don’t have a reason to be sorry but we both know you’re wrong. I’m the reason you’re here, even if you don’t want to admit it. You always let me off so easy. Anytime I would ever do anything wrong you were always making excuses for me, trying to justify my bad choices. I guess it was your way of protecting me but you can’t protect me from this, Kam. You know that as much as I do.”
I stop, letting the memory of his voice wash over me. If I really concentrate, I can hear him like he’s sitting right next to me.
“I can’t change what happened, I know that. And I’m trying to find a way to be okay with it. Some days are harder than others but I’m trying to be the strong person you always said I was. I don’t know if I’ve ever truly been strong or if maybe you just brought something out in me that I didn’t see myself, but I’m trying.”
I close my eyes and lift my head toward the sky, focusing on the light breeze that dances across my face – on the sound it makes as it rustles through the trees. I picture Kam sitting right next to me, holding my hand, telling me that everything is going to be okay. And then in the silence of that moment I finally find the strength to let him go.
“I guess I should go,” I finally say, slowly climbing to my feet. “I’ll miss you every day of forever.” I lean forward and press my lips to the top of his headstone before softly whispering, “Goodbye, tater tot.”
The Road to You Page 5