“First time you had sex?”
“Fifteen. Rachel Balanie.”
“God. Fifteen?”
“That’s actually not that young, especially for a teenage boy,” he informs me. “How old were you?”
“Seventeen. Mike Webster.”
“Did he bite anything he wasn’t supposed to?” He raises an eyebrow at me.
“Oh my god, I shouldn’t have told you that story.” I shake my head, not able to hide my smile even though I try like hell to.
“Can’t take it back now.”
“I’m aware.” I hit him with an evil glare–one that I know he sees right through.
“Is that your attempt at mean muggin’? Because I gotta tell you, babe, it’s not working.” He laughs when I once again smack his stomach.
“Asshole,” I say dramatically.
“Have you ever been in love?” Kane’s question is so out of left field it takes several long moments before I’ve recovered enough to form a response.
“Have you?” I counter.
“No,” he answers simply. “You’re turn,” he prompts when I make no attempt to say anything.
“That’s a complicated question with an even more complicated answer.”
“I’m sure I can keep up.”
“I don’t know,” I finally answer on a long sigh.
“You don’t know?” He arches a brow at me, his confusion apparent.
“I mean, I loved Kam. For years I thought I was in love with him. I never loved anyone else. He had my heart and didn’t even know it. But now…” I trail off, not sure how to put the next part into words.
“Now what?” Kane leans forward, disconnecting my hands that I’ve unknowingly knotted in front of me.
“Now I’m not sure if I was in love with him or if I just loved him so much I thought I was. Does that make sense?”
“Yes and no.” He answers truthfully.
“I loved him. I still love him, but things are different now.”
“What changed?”
“You.” I say seconds before his hand comes up to cup my face.
“Do you remember what you said to me last night?” he asks, his thumb tracing along my bottom lip.
“About what?”
“You woke up in the middle of the night and you said something to me. Do you remember what you said?”
“I said something to you last night?” I question, my stomach hollowing out as I try to rack my brain for any hint of what he’s talking about. Only I come up blank.
“Mm hmm.” He leans forward so only a couple inches separate our faces, his hand sliding around to the back of my neck. “You told me it was with me now,” he whispers, eyes locked on mine.
“I told you what was with you now?” I croak, barely able to force the words out past the lump in my throat.
“This.” He places his other hand flat against my chest, directly over my heart. “You said this is with me now. And I have to know, Elara, did you mean that or was it meaningless ramble in the midst of sleep.”
While I didn’t mean to say that to him, I also can’t deny the truth behind it. I buried my heart with Kam – or at least I thought I did – yet now I find it in the hands of someone else. And not just any someone but Kam’s older brother.
He’s the reason I find myself questioning how I felt for Kam. Because the way I feel about Kane is so much more intense, consuming, raw, and powerful. It’s the kind of feeling I feel with my entire body and not just my heart. He’s everywhere, weaved into my very core.
In no way does how I feel for Kane lessen the love I had for Kam, but it definitely has forced me to take a closer look at what I thought love was.
“Babe.” Kane drops his forehead to mine. “Just tell me,” he urges, almost pleading.
“I think I’m falling in love with you,” I blurt. When he doesn’t respond, I quickly move to explain.” I know it seems crazy. I know it hasn’t been long. And your Kam’s brother. And. And. God, I’m probably freaking you out right now,” I ramble. “Would you stop looking at me like that and say something already?” I snap when he pulls his face back, looking at me, his expression unreadable and eyes dark as night.
“You love me?” he finally says, one side of his mouth twitching.
“What do you think?” I counter, relief flooding through me when that twitch turns to a full blown smile.
I don’t get out another word. Kane’s lips are on mine in a flash and before I know it I’m on my back, pinned beneath him.
“Kane, I…” I start to speak but lose my words when he slides inside of me.
“Look at me, Elara,” Kane demands, stilling once he’s completely filled me. “I’ve never met anyone like you.” He pulls out slowly and slides back in before saying, “I knew from the first moment I saw you.” Out and back in. “You’re so fucking beautiful.” Out and back in. “So fucking beautiful.” He looks down at me.
“Kane.” I lift my hips, urging him to move. He takes my cue and picks up speed but still keeps his movements controlled, his gaze not breaking mine as he moves above me.
My vision blurs and my body shakes and within minutes I’m already chasing after a release that’s dangling right in front of me. Every thrust brings me closer. Dark eyes, lips, jaw, neck, chest. I let my eyes soak in the beauty of the man who’s not only opened my eyes but also opened my heart.
I didn’t think I could love so easily after Kam but here I am, diving in head first. If losing Kam taught me anything it’s that you never know what tomorrow will bring. I spent too much time worrying over my feelings for Kam to ever really explore them. I won’t make that mistake again.
Kane is here. Flesh and blood. Body and soul. He’s right here with me, inside of me. And I’ll be damned if I take even one ounce of that for granted.
It’s not an everyday occurrence to feel this strongly for another person. I’ve been around long enough to know this. So no matter how terrified I am, no matter how down right petrified, I’m going to put myself all in and let the waves take me where they will.
That very thin thread holding me in place shreds away and I fall apart beneath Kane, his name a whispered repeat on my lips as my body pulses around him. His release follows directly after mine and within moments he collapses, the delicious weight of him cocooning me in, making me feel safe for the first time in a very long time.
“You, Elara Menton.” Kane lifts his head so that his face is hovering directly above mine. “Are the most fearless person I’ve ever met. And I don’t just mean because you had the guts to come on this trip with me or because you let me drag you thousands of feet in the air and convinced you to throw yourself out of a plane. I mean because when I asked you something, something most people would have been scared to admit, you laid it right out there. No bullshit. No games. I asked you a question and you told me the truth.”
“I’m done keeping my feelings inside,” I admit softly. “I’ve done it once before and I don’t ever want to do it again. I can’t change the past, but I can control how that changes my future.”
“Fearless.” He smiles, laying a soft kiss to my mouth before pulling back. “I think I fell in love with you the very first time I saw you.” His admission has my heart thudding so hard in my chest there’s no way he can’t feel it. “You were so beautiful. Wearing that light pink dress; your hair pinned up on the sides and left long down the back. I remember watching you all night thinking my brother was quite possibly the luckiest man on the fucking earth.”
“Kane,” I start, but he keeps talking.
“I thought about you, ya know. After that night of the party. I thought about you more than any man should think about a woman. Especially a woman he barely knew and who was very much spoken for by his brother.”
“I thought about you too,” I admit, not saying more.
“When I saw you at the funeral, fuck, Elara, even in my grief seeing you was like having sunlight on my face for the first time in days. You made me feel like I could
breathe. And that made me feel…”
“Guilty,” I finish his sentence, already knowing what he’s going to say because I felt the same way.
“I’m done feeling guilty. Whatever this is, whatever is happening between us, I want to keep exploring it. I want this with you. And if I’m being honest, I think Kam would want this for the both of us.”
“So do I,” I admit, tears pricking the back of my eyes.
“I’m in so fucking deep,” he mutters softly against my lips, brushing his mouth against mine.
“Me too,” I whisper back.
With that, he kisses me harder and everything I was feeling minutes ago somehow grows a million times over, swelling inside my chest.
Kam Thaler shattered my heart when he died. I never dreamed anyone would be able to piece it back together. But Kane is. Day by day. Minute by minute. Second by second. He’s bringing me back to life.
“I thought you were coming home two weeks ago,” Aunt Carol says as I stretch out on the couch, phone to my ear.
We’ve been in Italy a total of six weeks now. I was packed, dreading the trip home, and feeling quite emotional that our time here was coming to an end when Kane walked in and announced he got extended.
At first I wasn’t sure what that meant for me but directly after telling me his contract was given another four weeks, the next thing he did was ask me to stay. Of course I said yes and then we ended up making love on the tiny kitchen floor.
I think it’s safe to say we’ve made good use of the small space. Honestly, I think I’m gonna miss our tiny little apartment when we leave. It’s been like a dream being here with Kane. And even though I know we still have two more weeks, I’m not ready for it to be over.
“We were supposed to but Kane got a four week extension,” I answer, refocusing on the current conversation.
“And you decided to stay?” she questions.
“I did.”
“And?”
“And what?” I question.
“Elara Rose, don’t you play games with me. Tell me everything. I haven’t spoken to you in weeks.”
“I talked to you last week,” I remind her.
“Yes but he was there and you couldn’t speak freely. Is he there now?”
“No, he won’t be home for at least an hour or two.”
“Perfect. Now spill.”
“There’s not a whole lot to tell,” I start, not knowing why I bother. Aunt Carol knows me well enough to sense the ridiculous smile I’m wearing as I say it.
“Uh huh.” She waits before adding, “Now tell me the truth.”
I spend the next twenty minutes pretty much telling her every single detail of the last six weeks. Six of the best weeks of my entire life. I don’t leave anything out. When I say I tell her everything I mean everything. Right down to the incredible sex that happens daily, if not multiple times a day.
Half way through my rambling, I close my eyes and imagine it’s my mom I’m talking to. I wonder how she’d respond. What she would say over how insanely happy Kane makes me. Would she approve? Would she think it’s too much too fast? Or would she respond the same as her sister? Supportive and happy for me.
I’m certain it would be the latter…or at least that’s what I choose to believe.
“It sounds like a dream.” Carol cuts into my thoughts and I realize tears have formed behind my eyes.
“It is.” I sit up, shaking off the heavy feeling suddenly sitting on my shoulders. “He is a dream, Carol. I can’t even begin to explain it.”
“I’m so happy for you, El. You deserve to be happy. My sweet girl. You’ve lost so much. I know I don’t need to remind you of this. But there is one thing I have to ask.”
“Then ask,” I prompt.
She pauses for several long beats, before continuing, “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but do you think your feelings for Kane have anything to do with the fact that he’s Kam’s brother?”
And there it is, the one question I asked myself the first two weeks we were here – convincing my attraction to him had everything to do with Kam only to learn it had absolutely nothing to do with him and everything to do with Kane.
“I came on this trip because he was Kam’s brother. Because I felt like if anyone could understand my pain it was him. Because he made me feel closer to Kam. But Carol, this isn’t about Kam anymore. This is about me and Kane and what he makes me feel. I can’t explain it. I can’t even try to put into words the emotions that overtake me every time he walks in the front door and hits me with that lopsided grin of his. I swear I feel like my heart nearly beats out of my chest when he looks at me a certain way. No one has ever made me feel that way. Not even Kam.”
“I just had to ask,” she offers softly. “But it sounds like you know what you’re doing.”
“Well I don’t know if I’d go that far.” I laugh. “But when it comes to Kane I’ve never been more certain of anything.”
“I just worry about you is all.”
“You don’t need to. I’m happy. God, I’m insanely happy. And while yes, some of that happiness is overshadowed by everything that’s happened in the last few months, it’s still there. I didn’t think I could feel this way again. I just wish I could shake the guilt I feel knowing that I do,” I admit.
“You have nothing to feel guilty for, Elara. Kam died. You didn’t. You can’t live your life carrying the weight of his death. There’s no doubt in my mind that Kamden loved you more than anything else. He worshipped you, Elara. The last thing he would want is for you to feel guilty for letting yourself be happy. I’m sure that’s true for Kane as well. He loved you both. And you know as well as I do that Kam always put the people he loved first.”
“I know,” I agree softly.
“Then focus on that. Let yourself live, honey. Let yourself love. Freely. Wholly. With everything that you have.”
“I’m working on it.” I sigh, knowing I’ve come a long way since three weeks ago when I told Kane I was falling in love with him. And while we haven’t talked about it again, we both know it’s there. He doesn’t have to say he loves me for me to know he does. I can feel it.
“So you’re coming home when?” Carol abruptly switches gears, something she does often, especially over the phone.
It’s a wonder we’ve been on the topic of Kane as long as we have. Carol has a way of bouncing from one subject to another and sometimes does it so frequently it takes me a minute to realize we’re talking about something different.
“It’s supposed to be two weeks from tomorrow.”
“Supposed to be? As in, if Kane gets extended you’re going to stay?”
“Depends on how long the extension is. Though I don’t expect that to happen. Kane says there’s not much left for him to do and he can’t see them keeping him around longer than they need to considering they’re paying an arm and a leg to have him here.”
“So two weeks then.”
“Two weeks,” I confirm.
“And how do you feel about that?”
“Good and bad,” I admit. “I’m ready to be home–to see you and dad–to reestablish some sense of normalcy in my life. But I hate the thought of leaving here. I’m afraid that once we leave the bubble we’ve been living in these past few weeks things will change.”
“That’s an understandable concern. Something you’ll just have to work through when the time comes. Real life has a way of making a muck of things. It’s up to you not to let it.”
“Sound advice from the woman who’s let life muck up every relationship she’s ever been in,” I point out, knowing she can hear the humor in my voice.
“Just thank god you are not like your Aunt.” She says it like she’s praising the heavens and I instantly envision her standing in her kitchen, free arm raised to the ceiling as she says it.
“I don’t know, I think being like you would be a pretty great thing.”
“You’re too sweet, but totally misguided.” She laughs.
&nb
sp; At that very moment, Kane walks into the front door, his eyes finding mine in an instant. My heart flips in my chest at the sight of him. Dark suit, hair combed back, tie loose around his neck. Dear lord this man…
“El, you there?” I hear Carol’s voice in my ear and quickly snap out of my fog.
“Yeah, sorry. Kane just got home,” I say, looking at the clock to see he’s home earlier than I expected him to be.
“Oh well then I’m gonna let you go. I gotta get to the store this morning before it gets too late,” she says, reminding me of the time difference between us. It’s late afternoon here but still morning there.
“Okay, sounds good. We’ll talk soon,” I say, sitting up just in time to see Kane shrug out of his black suit jacket and drop it on the back of the chair before stalking toward me.
“Love you, El.”
“Love you too.” I barely get the last part out before Kane has my phone in his hand, pressing end before dropping it on the side table next to the couch.
“Hey now,” I object playfully, letting out a soft cry of surprise when he leans down, latches his hands behind my knees, and hoists me into his arms. I instantly wrap my arms and legs around him, pressing my forehead to his.
“Hey.” He smiles against my lips before laying a soft kiss to my mouth.
“Hey,” I practically whisper. “You’re home early.”
“Couldn’t get out of there fast enough.” He kisses me again. “All I could think about was coming home and taking my girl out on the town.” Another kiss, this one more than just a soft press of his lips to mine.
“I think I like the sound of that.” I smile against his mouth.
“But first I need something.” He drops his face into the crook of my neck and inhales deeply. “God you smell so good.”
“Glad you think so.” I lean my head back to give him better access to my neck, his lips sliding across the base. “What was it that you needed?” I ask when he makes no attempt to clarify.
“Babe.” It’s the only thing he says before his hand finds its way into my hair and he’s pulling my mouth back to his.
“I see.” I giggle, getting the bigger picture. “Lucky for you I’m in a giving mood,” I tease, running my tongue along his bottom lip.
The Road to You Page 17