“Okay.” Her voice sounds small, as though I’ve hurt her feelings. I’m sitting right next to her but I feel a thousand miles away. Too many secrets. Too many years of history that we haven’t yet shared. Not enough days to ever be anything to each other than this.
What is this?
Sex? I’ve had sex that was just about physical release and this isn’t anything like that.
What does it mean that I want to please this woman more than I want to please myself?
I feel the bed move behind me and then Jessie is there sliding her arms around my middle and holding me close. She goes to take my hands in hers and for a second I flinch because I don’t want her to know, but then my body seems to relax and her fingers twine around mine.
“I’m not angry with you,” she says gently.
“I’m angry with myself.”
“You don’t have to be, Ryan.”
“I thought you’d left,” I tell her.
She goes still. “You thought I’d walked out on our arrangement.”
I nod my head. Fuck. I hate this shit. I need my walls up. I need to regain control.
Before she has a chance to say anything in response, I tug her arms from around me and stand.
“Take off your clothes, Jessie,” I order. My voice is perfectly even and cold. This is the me I am comfortable being.
This is the only way I can be.
17
JESSIE
It’s as though a switch has been flipped in Ryan’s head. I could feel him before. When he spoke there was emotion present. Now there’s nothing.
I do as he asks, though, because this is what he needs.
He doesn’t know how to be that other Ryan. He doesn’t feel comfortable opening up to me. I understand him in ways he wouldn’t even be able to comprehend. His need to protect himself is so obvious to me; from hurt, from failure, from a loss of control in his life.
I tug my top off over my hair, not caring about what it looks like. The front clasp of my bra undoes easily. I don’t pose seductively for him. This isn’t about that. All he wants if for me to do as he’s ordered so that’s what I’ll do.
“Unbutton my pants,” he hisses.
I have to shift forward on the bed to reach him and he makes no effort to come closer. My fingers fumble over the belt buckle and then over the stiff button at the top of his designer jeans. I don’t look at him because he wants that power so I fix my eyes on what I reveal; the outline of his cock behind soft boxers.
“Take it out.” Three words said so coldly I shiver. I use one hand to draw his boxers down and the other to grip him. He’s so hard it seems to pulse and grow in my palm. I don’t stroke him, though, because he hasn’t asked for that yet.
“Kiss it.”
The angle is awkward so I get onto my knees. His breath hisses and I guess that he must like me like this. Subservient to his demands. My pussy clenches because, although I hate to admit it, all this bossiness is turning me on.
I do exactly as he’s asked and kiss just the tip. His hips shift, his breath hissing again.
“Open your mouth.”
Oh god. He takes hold of his cock by the root and as I do as he’s ordered, he slides it in over my tongue. I don’t know what to do with my hands but I need to grip something for stability so I rest them against his legs. “Hands behind your back.”
My body reacts even before my mind has a chance to process.
“That’s it,” he croons, caressing the side of my face. He strokes the tip of his cock over my bottom lip and I almost come then and there. “Take my cock.”
I freeze for a second because this Ryan isn’t the one from the past few days. He’s the Ryan from the first night when he made me strip just for so he could look. When he stripped away my armor so that he could be in control.
I understand that he needs this but it doesn’t mean it’s okay. I understand that this side of him, the cold and dominant side, flicks switches in my head that I didn’t even know that I had, but that doesn’t mean that this is okay either. I take my hands from behind my back and stand. His eyes follow my movements but he doesn’t say a word to stop me.
I’m just a foot away from him but it feels like miles. “You don’t have to do this,” I tell him. He goes to tuck himself away but I reach for his hand. “No.”
I go up on my tiptoes and kiss his soft lips. They’re unmoving at first but as I lick at the seam of his lips he seems to wake up. His hands clasp my face and he angles to he can kiss me long and deep. My fingers find his shirt and I fist the fabric, tugging him closer. This feels like him taking control again and I don’t want that. I want to show him that it’s okay to let someone else take the reins every once in a while. It’s okay to receive pleasure rather than taking it.
I start to back him up towards a chair in the corner. If I can get him to sit, I can do what I think needs to be done. When Ryan’s legs hit the chair he pulls back from the kiss and looks at me questioningly. “Sit, Ryan,” I say softly, pushing on his chest.
There is a moment when I think he’s going to say no. A moment where we could reach stalemate. A moment that could break this whole thing wide open. Then he sits. I straddle his lap immediately, taking his face and pressing it to my belly. He kisses me softly, brushing his nose across my skin and licking a cool circle around my belly button. With my legs open like this I can feel how wet I am. I have no doubt that I could sit on his cock and it would slide right in. This has to be seamless. That first moment of penetration needs to feel so good that he gets lost in the sensation. I don’t want him to pick me up and reverse this again. I don’t want him to take control this time.
I’m about to lower myself when Ryan surprises me. He tugs me down, taking hold of the root of his cock and pressing it inside me just an inch. He reaches to take hold of my face, gripping it tight while he shifts his hips enough to push deeper. He holds my gaze as he penetrates me and although this is physical, it feels emotional too. His expression is intense. I feel open. Not just my body but my heart too. I start to roll my hips, never taking my eyes off his. His hands move to my hips, not to force me to move a certain way but to feel the way I’m moving. The buckle of his belt digs into my thigh but I don’t care because this is something I wasn’t expecting.
This isn’t just sex.
It’s that moment between sex and making love; the transition. I can feel him inside me. His cock yes, but it’s more. There’s a deeper connection forming here and it terrifies me. What the hell am I doing? Falling for a man who bought me. Falling for a man who’s more broken than I am? Falling for a man who has numbered our days to thirty.
I’m a fool but I knew that already. I fell for Jackson knowing he was trouble. Yes, he loved me but not enough to put his addictions aside. Not enough to put me first. And Ryan. Will he put me first?
He has a life so big I have no idea of the scope of it… the scale.
And I’m just little Jessie. Insignificant Jessie.
Disposable Jessie.
Ryan must feel me drawing away emotionally because he put his arms around me and holds me close. He tells me I’m beautiful. He tells me that I make him feel so good. He tells me that he’s sorry all over again and my heart hurts.
It’s been so long since I’ve felt treasured by anyone. It’s been so long since I’ve felt connected to someone and it feels good. Too good. I know I could slide into loving this man so easily. Every hour that passes takes me closer to a place that is going to end up smashing my heart all over again. I’m tired of grief. I’m tired of hurting. I don’t think I can do it again.
“Jessie,” Ryan whispers. “Oh god, baby.”
I can feel him getting closer and I am too. Every roll of my hips takes me nearer to an orgasm that I fear. I want to come so badly but it feels like a loss of control. Ryan has my heart by its strings; one more tug and he will own it.
“Come, baby,” he says, stroking the side of my face. “Come because I want to feel it. I want to feel you let it all go.”
/>
He doesn’t know what he’s saying. Letting it go is exactly what I fear the most.
“That’s it,” he says when I grind down harder. The deeper penetration hurts but I’m glad. I need this to hurt me physically as much as it’s going to hurt me emotionally. I need to remember my flesh and blood body. “Don’t stop.”
“I can’t,” I gasp. “I can’t.” My voice sounds frantic. The thudding of my heart is like a drum-beat to my surrender.
“You can, Jessie.” He buries his face in my chest and forces my hips to continue their rhythm and as hold onto his strong shoulders and close my eyes, I let go and just feel.
I feel even though I know I’m a fool. I feel even though I know this is going to end badly. I feel even though my heart feels like it’s going to break into more pieces than I could ever heal.
Ryan comes inside me, his cock swelling as he lets go too. He cries out, his breath hot against my breasts, his surrender called out against my heart.
I am limp and lost, but he holds me like he knows. He carries me to the bed and lays me down gently. He strips off his clothes quickly and climbs in beside me. He pulls me against him so my face is buried in the soft hair on his chest and my throat burns from the tenderness.
His hand strokes over my belly, my hips before cupping me between my legs. He keeps his hand there possessively and I let him feel everything that he put inside me leak out.
We don’t talk and that’s good because there is nothing I can say. It’s not fair to tell him how I’m feeling. This isn’t a relationship. It’s a transaction.
I don’t want to break down in front of him. This month is about him achieving something. What, I don’t know but it’s definitely more than a vacation.
I wish I could ask him. I wish we were friends and I knew what was in his heart.
But, as Ryan slides into sleep, I accept the path that I’m on. All decisions have a price. The price of my freedom from debt is going to be my heart.
18
RYAN
It’s morning. The beginning of another day. A step closer to the end of my month with Jessie.
I’ve got time. Plenty of time.
This is about achieving my goals. It’s about following the plan, but as I watch her sleep it doesn’t feel like it should.
Twenty-five days.
I’ve made my decision and I will not waver from it. Even as I think it my hand begins to tremble and I know I’m doing the right thing.
I wish I could have met her sooner. I wish we could have had an unlimited time to get to know each other because every new thing I find out about Jessie is perfect. She’s a good woman with a gentle heart and values that I can respect. She’s so much more than I ever could have hoped for and it feels cruel; a terrible twist of fate to hang someone so lovely in front of me at a time when I cannot love her the way she deserves.
I heard her crying in the night and I didn’t know what to do. I know she still grieves for her dead husband. I hope that I have no part in her sorrow but how could I not? This situation is flawed. Two sad people brought together. Two broken hearts. It’s dangerous. I know this. I could give this woman everything her heart desires. I have the money to make all of her dreams come true, but the one thing I cannot give her is the one thing she needs to most. The one thing we all need the most.
I get up because I can’t lie here anymore, lost in my thoughts. I take a shower and watch the news. I turn on my phone even though I don’t really want to connect with the outside world right now. I only check emails from my PA. The board have been asking questions. She’s subtle in how she warns me that I need to announce my vacation rather than expecting her to do it.
So far there doesn’t seem to be anything that needs my attention. The company is running without me and that’s a relief. It’s nice to be needed but I’m not enough of a fool to think myself indispensable. The world isn’t like that. We’re born and we die and the world keeps turning without us.
Eventually, Jessie wakes and comes to find me. She’s dressed in a hotel robe and looks adorably fluffy and soft and I know that I need to set the tone for today. I stand and pull her into a hug, kissing the top of her head and then patting her butt.
“You better get showered, missy,” I say. “We’ve got plans for today.”
“Oh have we?” she says. “What kind of plans?”
I laugh. “The kind that stay a secret until we get there.”
She scowls. “Why all the secrets, Mr. Bossy?”
“Because they’re fun, Miss Curious. Now got get your sexy ass in that shower before we miss all the fun.”
I watch her leave because I can’t keep my eyes off her. The gentle sway of her hips has me mesmerized.
It takes her half an hour to emerge ready for the day. I love the clothes that Geraldine has bought for her. They suit her hair and complexion. Everything subtle and classy.
“Ready?” I ask her.
“I have no idea. After yesterday I’m a little scared about what you might have planned for me.”
“You got off lightly,” I laugh.
“Mmm… just because you might have a death wish doesn’t mean we all have to follow.”
My heart skips at her words but she breezes past me to take her purse from the console table and doesn’t notice that I freeze. I inhale deeply. “Our car is waiting,” I tell her, just for something to say.
“Let’s go then.”
We travel down in the elevator and Jessie makes easy conversation about the meal the night before. “I still can’t believe I’m here,” she says. “Vegas… it’s not like a real place. It’s like a world of fantasy.”
“That’s what makes it so great,” I say.
“And why do you need a world of fantasy, Ryan? Your whole life is like a fantasy.”
“We all live in our own realities, Jessie. Even a man like me needs a change of scene every once in a while.”
“A break from paradise,” she jokes, nudging me in the ribs with her elbow.
“Yeah… I know… I have such a hard life.” I roll my eyes and she laughs.
“I know you work hard,” she says. Her hand finds mine just as the doors open and we walk through the lobby like an old married couple. It feels good. Too good.
I don’t need to tell the driver where to go because he knows, so Jessie and I settle into the back seat. Darryl is with us, looking around for any potential threats. He seems extra vigilant after messing up the night before. I guess he didn’t realize how protective I wanted him to be of Jessie while she’s in my care.
I pour us a glass of champagne. She objects to drinking so early but I tell her it’s a special day and we need to make the most of it.
By the time we reach our destination she’s already tipsy.
“Oh my god,” she squeals as she finally notices the helicopters. “Are we going up in one of those?”
“Grand Canyon, baby,” I say and she throws her arms around my neck.
“It’s on my bucket list, Ryan. I can’t believe you’re taking me to do this.”
Her words floor me for the second time this morning. I want to ask her why the hell someone as young as her has a bucket list but I don’t. I get it. She lost her husband. She knows how fragile life is.
“But aren’t you going to freak over the height thing?”
I nod. “Probably, but I’ve always wanted to see this. It’ll be worth it.”
“Better tell the pilot you’re going to need a sick bag.”
Now it’s my turn to scowl. “I don’t think that will be necessary, but thanks for the thought!”
Jessie laughs. “You’re a funny man, Ryan Gosling.”
“I’m glad that I’m providing you with so much amusement.”
“No you’re not.” Jessie kisses my lips gently and gives my bicep a squeeze. “You, Mr. Bossy, are about to make one of my dreams come true.”
“Well,” I say, stroking her hair. “Then my work here is done.”
Jessie scrambles t
o get out of the car and gazes at the helicopters like they’re some kind of mythical beast. I take her hand and we make our way to the building where were going to check in for the flight. I’ve booked us a solo flight. I didn’t want there to be anyone else with us. This is just for us to enjoy and I don’t need any witnesses if I can’t hold my fear in check.
The woman talking to us about the trip is so upbeat and friendly it’s almost sickening. Then we’re walked out of the building and onto the helicopter. We don our headphones so that we can hear the pilot and each other. Jessie reaches out to hold my hand and I take it, grateful for the contact. My heart is pounding in my head as the pilot begins to get ready for flight. The sounds of the propeller firing up is immense, even with the headphones in place.
I look out of the window, fixing my eyes on the horizon, trying to breathe deeply. In a minute we’re going to be in the air with nothing but a man-made mechanism holding us there. This is so much worse than yesterday. My fear is screaming at me to get off this helicopter. Two months ago I would never have attempted this. Two months ago I felt completely different about my life.
“I can’t believe we are doing this,” Jessie squeals.
The pilot laughs. “Well, ma’am, we’re gonna be airborne soon so you better believe it.”
“Are you okay?” Jessie asks me, squeezing my hand.
I nod because I can’t talk through the tightness in my throat. I wonder what I will feel like when we’re up there. This isn’t like flying on an airplane. On my private jet I can keep all the shutters down and avoid looking out of the window. I can drink myself into relaxation. I’ve handpicked my pilot so I know his flying experience. I’ve had my plane serviced to almost perfection. I’m in control of that fear.
This is out of my control. I chose the most reputable company and I got my PA to background check the pilot but I don’t know for sure whether this helicopter has been serviced well, and helicopters are much more dangerous than planes generally. It’s a big aircraft but it feels flimsy. It feels as though the weather could knock it out of the sky without much trouble.
As we begin to lift off the ground, Jessie presses my hand to her lips and kisses it. She holds it there and I focus on her soft mouth and warm breath and the smile I can feel she’s beaming out in her excitement. I focus on this woman who is making this month’s journey so much better but so much worse all at the same time.
BILLION DOLLAR DADDY Page 11