Towards the bottom of the article the journalist speculates on whether Ryan is taking time out because of mental health issues left over after the death of his wife. The picture they’ve printed of Ryan is awful. He’s haggard and thinner than he looks now. I don’t know when it was taken but it’s not an accurate reflection of the man I just left in bed. It must be old or maybe it’s just his expression or the lighting. Either way, it feels like a story made out of nothing, designed to hurt Ryan and his company.
I don’t get why an insider would be leaking information like this? I don’t like it either. Although I’m walking out on Ryan and our agreement, I care about him. I feel protective of him. My heart aches for him. Is there truth in their speculation about his mental health? For the first time I start to question why he was doing all those reckless things. He’s afraid of heights yet he kept pushing himself to face bigger and bigger challenges. Who knows what we would have done tomorrow. There were more wild and crazy rides on top of the Stratosphere that he could have lined up. The man had some kind of death wish.
The thought that Ryan might be tempting fate on purpose makes me want to cry. Is he looking for a way out? Pushing himself into uncomfortable situations because he’s feeling numb?
The more I think about it, the more I want to go back. Could I ask him about this and would he be honest? As much as I care for him, I doubt he’d want to reveal anything more about himself than he has already. Ryan is not a man who enjoys being weak in front of other people. He let me in just a little. Only enough to get me to agree to his arrangement, then he shut down again.
I close the newspaper and hide my face in my hands. I can’t stop the tears when they come so turn my back to the other customers as much as I can. I’m in a worse situation than I was before Ryan walked into The Kitty Cat Club and turned my life upside down. I have just under five thousand in my purse. I’ve left most of the passable clothes I own at Ryan’s mansion and I can’t go back there. The money is there too but I can’t take it. My job at the club is in jeopardy. I just hope they’ll take me back because I have no other option.
I get an urge to call my sister. To pour my heart out about everything that’s happened since Jackson passed away. To be honest about how lost I am, but I can’t. I’m failing at life and I can’t admit that to her.
Waiting for my flight is so awful because I’m returning to a life I’d hoped I was going to be able to leave behind. I feel like my dreams have been snatched away from me but I know deep down that it is all my fault.
I knew what would happen.
I knew if I agreed to Ryan’s arrangement that I’d risk falling in love with a man who I can never have and break my heart in the process.
20
RYAN
I wake in the morning and find myself alone in bed. I think I was expecting her to still be angry. Maybe to have gotten up to take a shower. I know that things aren’t right between us.
It takes me a while to realize that she’s actually not in the suite at all. I look everywhere before I hunt for her purse which is nowhere to be found. The money from the console is gone too.
I call down to the front desk and ask if anyone has seen her. I’m on hold for much longer than is acceptable and then I hear that she left in a taxi in the middle of the night.
Fuck.
Jessie’s gone.
No goodbye, no nothing.
Over what? The fact that I didn’t tell her I own this place? Is that really terrible enough for her to walk out on our arrangement? There’s no note to explain why. I call home quickly and speak to my butler. I’m hoping that she might be there to pick up her things and I can intercept her. I don’t know what I’d say to her at this point.
I want to ask her what the fuck she’s playing at. I want to tell her that we had an arrangement and I expected her to fulfill her part of the agreement. I want to be mad at her for taking my money to flee me like I’m some kind of monster.
And underneath all that I just want to tell her to come back because I need her. The suite feels so fucking empty and all my plans are in tatters. I can’t get through this next month without her. I thought I could. Before I met her I convinced myself that I was strong enough but sometimes in life you don’t realize how much you need someone until they’re not there anymore. Doesn’t the saying go ‘you don’t know what you’ve lost until it’s gone’?
Nolan answers promptly but he doesn’t tell me what I want to hear. He hasn’t seen Jessie since we left for Vegas. She certainly hasn’t been into the house to collect her belongings.
I may have time to get back before she does. I tell Nolan if she does turn up to let her in and if possible stall her for as long as he can.
Then I’m on the phone to arrange my flight out of here. I don’t bother to pack. The staff will arrange for my things to be sent home by courier. I get ready as quickly as I can and by the time I’m getting into my limousine the jet is ready to go.
I’m home in under three hours and burst in through the doors, expecting Jessie to be there. Nolan comes to take my things.
“Is she upstairs?” I ask him.
He shakes his head solemnly. “She hasn’t come, Mr. Crawford.”
Still? I know there was a flight out of McCarran last night although I can’t be certain she was on it. Did she go straight home? Is she planning to come and get her money?
Do I want her to have it? Of course I do. She might have walked out on our arrangement but I don’t hate her for it. I understand why. Our life experiences shape our beliefs. Jessie is a principled person. Of that I am sure, and the fact that I lied about something so important to her was enough for her to walk out.
But I didn’t want her to go.
And now I find that I want her to walk through that front door more than I’ve wanted anything in a long time.
So I wait and I hope. I sit in my office and try to work but I just can’t focus. All the things that used to seem important don’t anymore. The business I have dedicated most of my life to building hangs like a noose around my neck. I want to care. I’m not the kind of man who picks something up and drops it when my attention wanes. I can afford never to work again but the people who work for me are all looking towards their next paycheck. I have to keep going, at least until the rest of my plan comes to pass.
My phone rings and I look to the screen. Dr. Humberside again. I know if I don’t pick up he’s going to keep calling me. He has a duty. I get that, but he isn’t making this easy for me.
“Hello.”
“Ryan?” His voice indicates his surprise. I guess he didn’t think I was going to answer.
“Yeah, it’s me.”
“Where have you been? I’ve been calling.”
“I know, John. I’ve been ignoring you.”
He snorts. I can imagine him removing his eyeglasses right about now and maybe rubbing the sides of his nose. I’ve known Dr. Humberside for a long time. Long before I needed his services. “Why are you ignoring me, Ryan? You must know that it’s pretty pointless to avoid the inevitable.”
“You know me, John. I’m a realist. I’m not hiding. I’m just choosing not deal with this right now.”
He makes a noise that sounds a lot like grumbling. “Now, you know that kind of attitude is not going to help you. Head in the clouds, eh. I didn’t expect that from you, Ryan.”
I sigh. He’s right. This isn’t like me at all but I haven’t been feeling like myself for a while. “I just need some time,” I tell him. “I’ll call you soon, arrange to come in.”
“Mmm… I really don’t think—” I cut him off.
“Put a note in your diary to call me in a month, John, if that’ll make you feel better.”
Now it’s Dr. Humberside’s turn to sigh. I guess he must be able to tell that he’s not going to get anywhere with me today. “A month? What is going to be different in a month?”
“Me. I’ll be different.”
“There’s no escaping the inevitable, Ryan. You kn
ow that.”
“I do, and that’s why you need to trust me.”
He sighs again. I understand this must be frustrating for him but it is what it is. “A month, Ryan, and then you need to come in.”
“Take care, John,” I say and hang up.
I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I’ve bought myself some time and that’s the main thing.
While I’m in the business of buying time I call Jeff, the Finance Director. I check my watch and work out that he’s likely to be in a meeting with his team, but hey, I’m the boss. He’ll have to pick up.
I leave it to ring and he picks up just before I think it’s going to go to voicemail.
“Crawford,” he bellows in his overly jovial voice. I’ve always thought that he sounded a little insincere. “I was wondering when you were going to turn up.”
“Why, did you miss me, Jeff?”
He chuckles. “What do you think?”
“I think you were all happy not to have me breathing down your necks.”
“Well, I’m not going to lie… it has been quiet around here.”
Quiet? Quiet sounds unproductive. “So with all the quiet you’ve been enjoying I’m taking it that you have the revised plans?”
Jeff chuckles again. “I do.”
“I can’t wait to see them.”
“I’ll send them right over.” There’s some shuffling noises on the other end of the line as though Jeff is adjusting the position of the phone. “So, where have you been, Ryan? Some of the team were worried there was something going on.”
“Are they the same ones who were speaking to the press?” The story in the back of yesterday’s paper was particularly unhelpful under the circumstances.
“Yes, that was unfortunate,” Jeff mumbles.
“I wanted to ask you if you would personally brief security to investigate.”
There’s a pause. It’s that pause that tells me everything I need to know.
“No problem, Ryan. I’ll get on to it.”
“That’s great. And Jeff… I may not be in the office right now, but I’m around.”
“We never doubted it, Crawford,” he laughs, trying to sound like his old self before I sussed who the rat is.
“Good, Jeff. Good.”
I hang up and wait for his email. It arrives in exactly two minutes but the content is not what I was expecting. I call Carrie, my head of Human Resources. In a five minute call I explain everything. That an investigation needs to be done into Jeff Rawlings and his contacts outside the company and that we’re looking at a very high profile sacking. She’s primed to begin hunting for a suitable replacement. She also has some good news for me. She’s made contact with Brian Ferguson, an old friend of mine with expensive experience on company boards. He’s signed a non-disclosure agreement and she’s briefed him on what we want from him. She tells me he was surprised but that he accepted.
Another weight off my shoulders.
“Thank you, Carrie.”
“That’s okay, Ryan. You know, this place isn’t going to be the same without you.” She sounds genuinely affected and I’m touched.
It might be lonely at the top but that doesn’t mean people don’t care about you or appreciate what you do. “As long as it continues to function, that’s all that matters.”
“Well, it will. Brian will make sure of that.”
We say our goodbyes and then I pace back and forth in front of the window in my suite. From here I have a complete view of the driveway to my property. I can see anyone who comes in or leaves. My hands tremble so I shove them into my pockets.
She’s got to come. She has to. If I will it enough… if I pray to the universe to bring her through those gates and back into my life, will it happen?
I used to pray a lot when I was young. My ma would kneel next to me and we’d ask whoever was out there for the things we needed; happiness for our friends and family, food for our bellies, a roof over our heads. I’d wait for ma to ask for all the responsible things then I’d add something silly to make her laugh. A toy or a chocolate bar. For the bully in school to trip over his shoelaces. Ma would giggle and ask for something silly for herself. A good hair day. Dishes that wash themselves. A laundry basket that never gets full. I haven’t prayed for a long time but I do now. I pray for Jessie, wherever she is. I want her to be safe and happy but I also want her here. It feels awkward to ask for that when it’s my own lies that have driven her away. Then I pray for myself; for the strength I need. I pray for ma, that she can finally rest in peace. No more dishes, ma. I tell her I miss her.
Then I take some sleeping pills and lie on my bed. My heart is too weary, my mind too overloaded with emotion to face.
I’ve never been the kind of man to seek chemical oblivion but then again, I haven’t been myself for months.
21
JESSIE
They won’t take me back.
I beg, but they won’t listen. I guess they think I let them down and they’re not prepared to give me a second chance. When I had fifty grand on the table, I wasn’t really that concerned. Now that I don’t, things feel very different.
I stand in the parking lot and burst into tears.
Troy, the bouncer, hands me a tissue. He’s not a very tactile person, especially not with the girls who work here, but he puts a big strong hand on my shoulder and gives it a squeeze. Then he hands me a card.
CANDY CLUB
“You go on over there and say that Troy sent you, okay.”
I look up at him with surprise. “You putting in a recommendation for me?”
“Sure,” he says. “You’re a good girl. These people here are sometimes too stubborn for their own good.”
“Thanks, Troy.” I swipe my tears away and give him a big shaky smile.
“You just watch out for Donnie over there. He’ll seem like the friendliest guy you ever met, but that man is a shark. You stay away from him.”
“Donnie?”
“He’s the owner’s son. Likes to pretend he’s a manager.”
“Oh, okay. Thanks for the heads up.”
“That’s okay, Cindy. You take care now.”
The Candy Club is on the other side of town so I check out how best to get there. There is a bus that will take me most of the way but I have to walk quite a distance. I’m feeling tired down to my bones. There’s a big aching space in my chest that is getting worse with every hour I’m away from Ryan.
I miss him.
I don’t want to admit it. I’ve made my bed, now I have to lie in it.
My heart is aching for him but there is nothing I can do. I just need to get on with sorting my life out before I lose what little I have left.
It takes me over an hour to cross town and when I’m finally walking up to the Candy Club, I’m worried. This place doesn’t look good. The Kitty Cat Club was bad enough but this is twice as run down. A place that doesn’t invest in its building is unlikely to be good to its staff. I just get a bad feeling.
I stand in the lot and take a deep breath. What options do I have? Troy’s given me a recommendation so this is my best possible option for work. If I get inside and it’s awful, I could take on a few shifts while I try to find something better. It doesn’t have to be forever. Even as I’m thinking it I want to cry. If I didn’t have the debt, I could work in a store. I could find something ordinary even if it’s paid badly. I could live like a normal person.
Those debts are hurting me so badly and it just feels never ending. Just as I’m about to burst into tears again, a girl emerges from a side door, dressed in something very revealing. I’m guessing she works here so I decide to talk to her. At least I’ll be able to get the inside track on what it’s like.
“Excuse me,” I call, hurrying across the lot.
She stops and looks me up and down. I guess I must look out of place here in the designer clothes Ryan bought me. Or maybe my face is still blotchy from all the crying. “Do you work here?”
&nbs
p; “Well, I wasn’t in there for the show,” she says.
“Is it a good place to work?”
Now she looks interested. “You a journalist?”
“No!” I shift my purse onto my shoulder. “I used to work over at the Kitty Cat Club but they don’t have anything going right now.”
“You’re in the business?”
“Yeah. I’m looking for work.”
“Well, Donnie’s inside. You should go talk to him, but try and stay out of his office, okay?”
“I’ve heard that he’s not the best.”
The girl rolls her eyes. “He’s like most men, girl. He thinks with something that’s designed for other bodily functions.”
“I don’t know,” I say. “It doesn’t sound too good.”
“If you’ve worked in this industry then you should be used to this shit,” she says, tossing her hair.
“From customers, yes. But not management!”
“Then you’ve been lucky. In my experience the men in this industry are in it for the free sex and the power.”
I sigh and look towards the door. “I guess I’m gonna have to give it a go.”
She smiles. “Well, I’m Dana. If you get the job then I guess I’ll be seeing you around. Oh, and don’t you go in there looking like Bambi’s scared little sister, okay? You stick out the money-makers you got under those expensive clothes and show them what they gonna be selling.”
I smile, because for all her harshness, Dana seems like a good person. “Okay. Thanks,” I say. Dana makes her way with a wave, and I head towards the club entrance.
The smell of the place hits me immediately; something unsavory covered up by the harshest air-fresheners I’ve ever smelled. My stomach rolls and the nerves I’m feeling escalate the further into the establishment I get. The barman is the first to catch sight of me. He eyes me with interest.
“Can I help you, ma’am?”
“Sure. I’m looking to speak to someone about work?”
“We don’t have any bar vacancies right now.”
“I mean stage work.”
He looks me up and down like he’s trying to imagine what I’ve got going on under my clothes. I tug my purse onto my shoulder and leave my hand across my body like a defense. The guys at the Kitty Cat Club weren’t like this. They were friendly and professional. I always felt okay being in front of them in lingerie. They didn’t look at me in a leering way like this man is doing. I guess that professionalism comes from the top. If Donnie, the owner’s son, has a reputation for tampering with the staff, then the rest of the employees are going to think they can get away with the same.
BILLION DOLLAR DADDY Page 13