I think about Jenny’s warm hands and her pretty smile. I think about my mom’s apple pie and the Sweetpeas that she grows each year in tubs. I think about Andie and her rude humor and fierce loyalty. I think about Dominic’s eyes and the way he seemed like he wanted to protect me when we met downstairs. The feel of his hand on my arm. The bubbling frustration I could feel in the air around him. I think about rocking on my porch swing when I was a child, reading whatever book my mom had borrowed from the library. I think about fresh lemonade and my mom’s peanut butter cookies. I think about times when I felt happy and safe because that’s what I need right now.
The memories are so vivid I can almost feel and taste them.
Then the darkness behind my eyelids flickers.
I open one eye a crack and see that the light is off.
The breath I exhale is long and deep.
He left this time. I don’t need to panic. I can get dressed and go downstairs. I can collect my money from Kaleb like last time and go straight home.
Kaleb.
I imagine his confusion when he receives another envelope for me. After all I told him, what the fuck is he going to think? And Dominic. He’s probably been looking for me. If he sees me at the bar, isn’t he going to try and talk to me to find out where I’ve been and what’s happened? He’ll try and make me go home with him, so he can make sure I’m safe.
I slide off the bed and return to my position just next to the mirrored wall. My uniform is there and I exchange the white bra and panties for my own black set. I don’t know what to do with the items Gray Suit purchased for me. I don’t want to leave them here for Jack to find. The bag is resting on the floor beside the bed, so I stuff everything back in there and make my way to the door. I don’t unlock it right away. There’s no noise coming from the corridor but I press my ear to the wood anyway, straining to hear if there’s anyone waiting out there. It’s still quiet but I’m scared. Who knows if he’ll be waiting outside, ready to try and get up close and personal to the woman he’s been watching so intimately.
In the end, when I don’t hear anything for a few more minutes, I take a deep breath and tell myself that there are cameras everywhere in this place. If anything happened, I’d only be on my own for a minute before a member of security would reach me. I unlock the door and slowly turn the handle. I open it an inch and squint into the corridor, finding it brightly lit and empty. I open the door wider and look both ways, finding that I am alone. With gift bag in hand, I head for the stairs, my shoes clattering loudly with each hurried step that I take.
My heart is pounding so hard that I feel woozy, similar to the way I feel after a couple of cocktails. It’s hard to walk in these stupid shoes, after such an emotionally distressing orgasm and with fear driving me forward.
I head straight to the changing rooms and stick the bag into my locker. I take a deep breath before I open the door to the floor, glancing around quickly to see if I can catch a glimpse of Dominic or any of the other college football players that he’s with. I’m looking for Gray Suit and Jack too. There are so many people that I don’t want to bump into right now. The coast seems clear so I walk as fast as my legs will carry me, straight to the bar.
Kaleb is facing the wall, changing over some of the empty bottles. I call his name and he turns, his face a mixture of relief and anger.
“Star, where the fuck have you been?” he almost shouts.
“I was upstairs talking to Jack.”
“Is that why you have another envelope stuffed with cash waiting for you?” He pulls it out if his waistband and shoves it across the bar so hard I almost don’t catch it before it falls at my feet.
“I didn’t have a choice,” I say. Tears spring to my eyes because I don’t need this now. I need a friend to tell me everything’s going to be okay, not someone who is going to stand in judgment. I know he doesn’t know any details to be able to understand why I did what I did, but that should make him less willing to jump to conclusions, shouldn’t it?
“Fuck,” Kaleb says, slapping his hand on the bar with frustration. “You should have come down here and told me. I would have taken you home. You don’t have to be doing this shit if you don’t want to.”
“It’s not that simple,” I say. I glance over my shoulder to the booths, but I don’t see Dominic. I’m praying that he’s already gone home. “Look, I can’t stay here now. I need to go home.”
“And you want someone to walk you to your car?” He looks at me baffled, and I get it. From where he’s standing it seems as though I’m more concerned for the money than I am for my own safety. How fucked up is that?
“Yeah. Can you call security and see if someone can wait for me outside the changing room?”
“Sure.” He stares at me, and I feel disgusting.
“I’m sorry,” I say, although I don’t know why. Kaleb is a good guy. A friend, I guess, although we’ve never exchanged numbers or talked about our lives outside this place. I don’t owe him anything, but I do care what he thinks, whether that’s right or wrong.
“I’m sorry, too, Star. You need to think beyond the money, okay. You could get yourself hurt, and for what? A few measly dollars.”
I look down at the bar, feeling worthless, even though what he’s saying isn’t correct. All the same feelings that I had four years ago wash over me.
Disappointment.
Embarrassment.
Shame.
15
Hannah
I promised myself that I wouldn’t feel this way again, but here I am getting myself deeper into a situation that I may not be able to get out of. All the work that I’ve done to turn my life around, to find hope and enough drive to move on, feels like it’s washed away.
I’m Hannah the whore all over again and I can’t bear it.
I turn and run from the bar, clutching the envelope tight in my sweaty fist. I throw on my sweats and shove my stupid heels into my bag, along with the white lingerie and the vibrator. I’m done in minutes and then I stride to the door, praying there will be someone out there waiting for me. Hudson, the cutest security guy, is leaning up against the wall outside the changing rooms.
“You ready to go?” he asks. He must be at least 6’ 3.
“Sure. Thanks,” I tell him, not making eye contact. I know that security knows most of what goes on in this club. The ones who watch the monitors share the gossip with the others. I wonder if he knows about tonight or if that bit of news hasn’t made it around the building yet.
I hurry across the lot, my legs moving twice as fast as Hudson’s long ones. It’s dark and the first bit of cold grazes my hot cheeks. “I’m good now,” I tell him as I unlock the car and slide inside. He waves as I lock from the inside.
I’m about to stick the key in the ignition when I think about the money. Is there another note inside? I want to drive away and get as far from this place as I can, but something tells me that I should open the envelope, just in case there’s something inside that I need to know about.
I slide out the cash, not bothering to count it, looking for the note that I’m expecting to be buried beneath.
There’s nothing there.
Confused, I begin stuffing the wad of notes back into the envelope when there’s a loud bang on my window.
I jump so hard that most of the money misses the envelope and scatters to the floor on the passenger side. I turn, straining to see who’s out there, my finger going to the ignition in case I need to speed away. I’m afraid that it’s going to be Gray Suit, but it’s Dominic.
He motions for me to put the window down.
“Hey,” he says, leaning down and gripping the frame of the window. “You’re leaving?”
“Yeah. I’m not feeling very well.” I lean forward to try and block the view of the money that’s lying discarded behind me.
Dominic narrows his eyes. “You didn’t say goodbye,” he says. “And you had someone walk you to your car. I could have done that for you.”
“I came to say bye,” I say, “But you weren’t around.”
“I must have been looking for you at the same time.”
That makes me feel sad. He was searching for me at the same time as I was…I don’t even want to think about it. I’m still swollen between my legs and it doesn’t feel good.
“You’re a good guy, Dominic,” I say through a throat that is tight with emotion.
“Not really,” he says.
“Yes, you are. You don’t even really know me…”
His knuckles whiten as he seems to grip the car tighter. “I’m going to follow you back, okay? My car is right over there.” He indicates an old truck that looks like it has seen better days.
“You don’t have to do that.”
“I know. But I want to.” Dominic doesn’t wait for me to answer. He turns and strides towards his vehicle and jumps in quickly. Before I have a chance to sort out the money, he’s turned on his lights and driven up behind me.
I start the car and pull out of the lot, keeping a check on where Big D is. It takes thirty minutes to drive back to campus. All the while, Dominic stays safely close behind me.
I park in a space at the back of my dorm and he does too, jumping out of his truck and taking a good look around. It’s like he’s scanning for danger, and I’m grateful for his concern. I want to look around too, but I can’t because I need to quickly stuff the loose cash and envelope into my purse. When I get out of the car, he comes to stand close.
“I’ll walk you to your room,” he says.
“Look…” I start, but he puts his hand up to shush me.
“It’s no trouble. If I don’t, I’ll worry about you, okay. And then I won’t sleep. And I’m a grumpy asshole when I don’t sleep. Do the world a favor, and let me make sure you’re home safely.”
He’s trying to make light of the situation, which is cute, but it only makes me feel sadder. I don’t deserve this lovely man after what I’ve done tonight. He should be walking in the other direction, but I guess he doesn’t know the full extent of what I am capable of.
I nod, because I don’t really have any choice, and lock up my car. We walk, side by side, in silence, to the front entrance. “Thanks,” I say. It’s awkward. Neither of us really knows how to act in this situation.
“I’ll walk you to your room.”
“The dorms are safe,” I say, but he shakes his head. Nothing is going to dissuade him, so I unlock the main door and head to my room. When we get there, I thank him again, and he waits while I open up. It’s dark inside. Heather’s out visiting friends.
We do that thing again, where he lurks in the doorway, hand on the door jamb, with so much silence between us that it’s deafening.
“Look,” we both blurt out at the same time, and then laugh nervously. I wait to see what he’s going to say, because I have no idea how to deal with this.
“I wanted to say sorry for the other night.” He frowns a little, dark eyes searching my face for a reaction. What is he expecting? Disappointment? Relief? Do I feel a little bit of both? Yes. But mostly sad.
“Why are you sorry?”
“Because I took advantage of you when you were feeling weak, and that was low of me.”
“It didn’t feel like that,” I say. It’s the truth. As much as I know that we need to keep our distance from each other in the future, I don’t want him to feel guilty for being there for me, for caring. That’s the way I saw things.
“I…I should have just been a friend.”
“You were. You did more than anyone else would have.”
“I tried to get into your pants when you were scared and vulnerable,” he says, taking a step back and rubbing his hand over his face in a way that screams stress.
“You kissed me and I kissed you back,” I say, needing to correct him. “I was there the whole time, deciding what I wanted. You weren’t doing anything that I didn’t want you to do, and if I’d said no, I know you would have stopped.”
He nods, looking partly relieved at what I’ve said, but still really uncomfortable.
“Look, I know my own mind,” I say. “Even when I’m making a mistake, I’m doing it knowingly.”
“So you agree it was a mistake?”
“Not a mistake. That’s not what I’m saying.”
“Well, what are you saying?”
“I…I don’t know. That I wanted you to kiss me, even though I knew it was a bad idea.”
He stares at me, dark eyes like deep fathomless pools that tell me nothing about what he’s thinking or how he’s feeling. And I find that I want to know. I want to know what’s going on in that fascinating mind of his so badly.
“Why’s it a bad idea?” he asks softly. “Outside of the timing.” His lips form a smile so small, I could have missed it if I blinked.
“Because I’m your tutor,” I say.
“You’re not a teacher,” he counters, leaning in a little.
“Because I need to focus on my studies.”
“You’re acing your classes.” He moves closer again and my pulse seems to kick up a notch with every inch he gets closer.
“Because of my job. I need to keep that part of my life separate from here.”
“And you thought I’d find out and tell other people?” God, he sounds so hurt, that I might think so little of him. I don’t want to leave him feeling like that, even if it is partly the truth. It isn’t fair to burden him with the aftereffects of my trust issues.
“I thought that it wouldn’t be fair for me to keep it a secret, and that telling anyone is a risk to my reputation and my place here,” I say.
He nods like he gets it, but I’m not sure he does. “I want to tell you that you shouldn’t be working there because there are other jobs, other ways, but I know you know that.”
“Why do you care?” It’s an obvious question because we’re not friends. At least, not yet. I have a feeling that we could be if we spent more time together and let things develop. If things were different.
Dominic sighs, his dark eyes meeting mine. It’s as though he wishes he could just tell me things telepathically, rather than trying to find the right words and say them in the right way. I get it because somewhere between my brain and my mouth, words seem to jumble around, and things that sounded okay in my head, often sound terrible when I voice them.
His gaze is serious but soft. It melts my heart but scares me so much that the hand I’m clutching my purse with starts to tremble. He reaches out and cups my cheek gently. I’ve seen how strong his hands are, felt their grasp on my flesh, but here and now, he’s touching me like I’m a baby bird who’s fallen from the nest.
“Dominic.” I mean it to sound like a warning, but it sounds like a plea. I close my eyes, unable to look at him anymore because it’s too raw and too intense. I feel a touch against my lips and a gust of breath and then he’s kissing me, and I don’t want him to stop, but it hurts. It really hurts because it feels so good. So sweet and so tender. He’s kissing me like I’m something precious, not some trashy girl who lets people look at her body for a living. He’s putting his arms around me as though he really does care and I don’t have the strength to stop him. He runs his fingers through my hair and holds me tightly against him, my purse crushed between us. His lips are so soft, drawing mine between his and releasing, slowly and tenderly. I kiss him back because he’s a good man and I haven’t ever come across one of those who wasn’t part of my family.
He walks me backward closing the door behind himself. He reaches between us, taking my purse from my hands and dropping it onto the floor by my desk. I’m so lost in his kiss and the swell of emotions that I’m feeling, that there is no going back now. I’ve held myself separate for long enough to create a void inside me that doesn’t want to be empty anymore. My soul is lonely and, as much as I’ve tried to fight it, Big D is the one that I need.
I slide my hand up his chest, feeling the swell of muscle there and the beating of his racing heart. My fingers go to the buttons
, working them until my skin is in contact with his skin, and everything seems better. He’s so warm, the smell of his cologne is an undertone to his own scent. I breathe him in, nuzzling his chest with my face, kissing his collar bones and passing my hands over his nipples. Dominic presses soft kisses to the top of my head as I take in the glorious sight that is his chest. A wall of muscle covered by golden skin and a dusting of fine hair that does funny things to my insides. Further down, his stomach is a landscape of hills and valleys; a perfect six pack offset by those side muscles that dip down into a sharp V.
I can’t stop touching him but he’s not satisfied with that. He wants under my clothes too. When he lifts my top, I allow the fabric to slip over my arms. Standing in my black lace uniform, I feel more vulnerable than I ever have in the Kitty Cat Club. When he looks at me, practically naked from the waist up, I see a sadness in his eyes. Using just the tip of his finger, he strokes along the edge of the lace.
“You have such beautiful skin,” he says. “Flawless.”
I want to show him the marks I have on my stomach and tell him that I’m flawed, that my sins have damaged me for life, but my throat is too tight. He bends to kiss the swell of my breast, pushing down the straps and tugging the lace down on both sides. When he takes my nipple in his mouth I want to cry out. I want to press his face against me so he knows I don’t want him to stop, but I can’t because that would be me admitting that I need this. It’s easier to let him lead me into the place that I know is dangerous for my heart.
It feels so good; hot and wet, slow licks and hard nips that connect directly between my legs. His hands stroke down my arms reverently until his fingers are intertwined with mine. I don’t know why that action makes tears spring to my eyes, but when he returns his mouth to mine, I know he will eventually feel my emotion on his skin.
When he does, Big D draws back and kisses my wet cheek, “It’s okay,” he says. “I’ve got you.” And for once, I actually believe it could be true. I think I could have stumbled across a man who could know my secrets and not run away, who could accept me despite my sins and wounds. He knows about my job and he’s still here, kissing me like I’m precious and touching me like I’m a fragile flower that will bruise if he grips too tight.
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