Valentines on the Edge

by Carol Maloney Scott

  “A career? Like something other than the tattoo shop?”

  “Maybe. I don’t know. I could go back to school. Or maybe I could find an all-girl band to sing with?”

  Brandon rubs his head again, as if he’s trying erase the words he’s hearing. He leans forward and puts Duncan on the floor. “Where is this coming from? You love the band. Rock music is your life, and you were so eager to help me with original songs, and sing harmonies with me. I don’t get it. We don’t have much time to talk about this right now, so I don’t know why you’re springing it on me. But you need to come over and talk to me tomorrow. Okay?” He gets up and stands in front of me, rubbing my arm. “Zoe, okay?”

  “I finally found a pair of earrings that go with this…is something wrong?”

  Claire eyes this scene, and I flinch. Brandon drops his arm. Claire likes me. I am one of the few women in Brandon’s life that Claire trusts. I can’t betray that, and I wish Brandon would realize that just because he sees me as a little sister, that doesn’t mean his wife will view it the same.

  Plus he has no idea what he’s doing to me. I don’t want to quit the band, but what else can I do?

  “No, nothing’s wrong. So where are you guys headed?”

  “Just out to dinner and a movie. We won’t be too late. I’ll probably fall asleep on Brandon’s shoulder in the theater.”

  I smile and try to erase the idea of sleeping and Brandon’s shoulder in the same sentence.

  “Let’s get a move on. Have you given Zoe all the baby instructions?”

  As he says this he bends over to kiss his sleeping daughter, and he hugs Aidan. “Bye, bye, Dada. Moobies! Voom, voom.”

  I sure hope I can understand this child. He is starting to speak at a very young age, but this is the point in speech development when only parents can comprehend the little people.

  “Yes, Zoe will watch a movie with you. And play with your cars.” He looks up at me. “He’s saying vroom, vroom.”

  Aidan runs to the other room, presumably to show me his tiny vehicle collection.

  “Hey, you need to kiss Mommy goodbye.” Claire watches him run off and says, “I’m just going to help him. He tries to carry those big Matchbox car boxes, and they all fall on the floor and he cries.”

  Claire scurries off to help her son, and Brandon and I are again alone.

  “Are you sure you’re okay? Who was that guy who dropped you off?” Brandon’s eyes search my face and Claire returns just in time with enough toy cars to fill up a used car lot.

  “Okay, you’re all set. Movies are next to the TV. Thanks, Zoe.” Claire grabs her coat and purse, and joins Brandon at the front door. The wiener dogs follow them to collect their goodbyes.

  As they pet their dogs and turn to leave, Brandon is still staring at me with concern. Just before they close the door, Claire pops her head back in.

  “Oh, Zoe remind me to tell you about the guy who works at the natural market in Washington Hill. I think you would love him. Really cute and so helpful. I think he’s the manager—”

  Brandon grabs his wife in mid-sentence and says, “Okay, tell her later. We have reservations.”

  With Claire on the front porch he rolls his eyes and smiles. The smile quickly turns to a frown.

  As the door closes, I reach up to touch my own face and realize that I didn’t smile back.

  “No, we’re not doing anything tonight. The show wore us out. I swear, we’re getting old. Max is taking a nap with Mick. I could pop over for a while.”

  Bianca is the girlfriend of Max, the drummer in our band, Chain. The band I don’t want to sing with anymore because it’s becoming like a dagger to my chest every time…

  “Zoe, are you there?”

  “Yes, I’m sorry. I thought I heard the baby.” Lies. The baby is the least of my worries. “Thanks so much, I really need to talk to someone.”

  “No problem. I’ll be on my way in a few minutes.”

  Confiding in Bianca may not be smart, but I have to talk to somebody. If I tell anyone at the tattoo shop, then Axl will find out, and I haven’t decided what I want to do about him yet. I like him, but there’s something missing. Or maybe it’s just because…oh, well I will hash it all out with Bianca. She is very no-nonsense. Plus she used to work at the tattoo shop—that’s where we met. She is familiar with all of the players in my personal drama.

  I busy myself with Aidan—we’re doing the ‘vroom, vroom’ portion of the evening now so that I can distract him with a ‘moobie’ while Bianca and I talk.

  The doorbell sets off the wiener patrol and they run to the door, trying to trip me all the way.

  “Hey, thanks for coming over. I didn’t know who to bother on Valentine’s Day.”

  Bianca waves her hand and says, “Please, Max is about as romantic as a sloth. I left him sleeping, remember? I was going to wake Mick up, but he looked so cute cuddled up with Daddy, I decided to leave him. Plus it’s harder to talk with the two little hooligans together.”

  Bianca’s son, Mick, is a month younger than Aidan and they play together often.

  Bianca greets Aidan and he shows her his movie selection. I grab some drinks for the grown-ups (just soda—can’t drink on a babysitting job!), and we get Aidan settled with his movie. Aurora fussed a little, but I gave her a pacifier and she drifted off again.

  “I can’t believe Claire and Brandon wanted another baby this soon.” Bianca sits down on the couch and folds her legs under her body. “I mean…she’s beautiful but I don’t see how they do it.”

  “You don’t want another one?” I sink into the comfy side chair, and let the soft fabric swallow me.

  “No way. Max keeps pestering me about it, but as long as he is too lazy to move us out of my mother’s house, I am not budging on that stance. We’ve got time, and I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. Anyway, I didn’t come here to talk about me. So what’s up?

  “I slept with Axl.”

  Bianca’s eyes widen and she smiles. “Okay, well sleeping with the ‘sort of boss’ is probably not the best idea, but I can see you guys together. He’s cute and you have some things in common. Are you regretting it because of work? Or was he...you know, disappointing?”

  I bite my lip and lower my voice as I check to make sure Aidan is engrossed in The Lion King.

  “He was great, and the work thing is just part of my problem. I regret it because there’s someone else. I’m in love with someone I can’t have.” I pause and take a deep breath. “He’s in the band.”

  Bianca’s eyes widen even more. They look like two blue marbles that are going to pop out if she doesn’t blink soon. “You do realize that every member of the band is married…or? Wait, it’s not Max? Is that why you asked me to…well, in that case you may be able to have him because he’s driving me…wait, it’s Rob. You do spend a lot of time with him. At least you did before he started up with Diamond, after the ‘panties in the bed’ fiasco.”

  “It’s not Rob.” Rob and Max are brothers, and I have never been interested in either one.

  She puts her drink down on the coffee table and leans forward. “Jon is married and Cassie is expecting a baby soon. You can’t be in love with…oh, shit.”

  “Yep.”

  “Brandon.” She whispers the word very softly, as if the walls can hear us. I really hope they don’t have a nanny cam installed, but since they recently fired the nanny for also coming on to Brandon…he’s quite popular, with everyone but his wife.

  “Can I trust you, Bianca? Claire likes me and I don’t ever want her to know about my feelings. You’ll become the last woman in their circle of friends who isn’t trying to steal her husband. Well, and Cassie. Not that I am stealing him. Or trying to. That’s why I have to quit the band.”

  Bianca throws herself back against the couch cushions and rubs her forehead. “You can’t quit the band. All those new songs were written for you, or for you and Brandon to sing together.”

  “Clai
re could take my place.”

  “Oh my God, she can’t sing like you. Yes, she is a pretty good karaoke singer. I’ll agree with that. But she can’t perform the way you do. And she’s almost forty years old. And she has two babies. How are you going to explain quitting?”

  My stomach churns. “I don’t know. I feel like I need to quit my job, too. I let Axl drop me off tonight and he’s picking me up.”

  “Can’t you just try to be in love with him instead?” She regards my expression and continues. “Okay, I know that’s an idiotic thing to say. But Zoe, you need to work yourself out of these feelings. I’m assuming Brandon has no idea?”

  “No, he doesn’t. And he can’t know. He doesn’t see me that way, and he’s married. Even if he felt the same way, I couldn’t break up a family. No, I need to quit. Maybe I should go back to Chicago for a while.”

  “I don’t know what to say. And Axl is picking you up? I know you can’t force your feelings, but maybe you should give him a chance.”

  “Zoe, what is wrong with you?”

  After picking me up at the Harmon’s, Axl brought me back home. I agreed to just leave my car at the shop. Which means he needs to pick me up for work tomorrow. Or he doesn’t intend to leave tonight. That is the stronger possibility.

  Axl stops kissing me long enough to ask why he’s not getting the same enthusiastic response he got last time.

  “I’m sorry, I’m a little distracted. There’s just some stuff with the band.”

  I’m hoping he can’t see my face in the dark and read my expression. The soft light of the candles on the coffee table are enough to illuminate his stubbly chin, full lips and gleaming grey eyes. I can’t believe I’m thinking about a married father.

  Axl pulls me closer and rests my head on his shoulder. “I told you that guy is working you too hard. He’s just dying for fame and fortune, and he’s panicking because he’s over thirty now, and he’s stuck at home with a wife and kids.”

  I bristle at the criticism of Brandon. “He’s a great lead singer, and he’s taken the band far with his leadership. Just a few months ago they were a cover band, and after I joined—”

  “Right. After you joined, things were amped up. You’re like his muse, don’t you see that? You should be careful of him. Now you’ll be on the road a lot, doing out of town shows. When is the next one of those? I could come with you.”

  Axl’s genuine concerns are overshadowed by his accusations about Brandon. Am I his muse? Maybe that’s why he refused the advances of the other women who’ve pursued him lately. Maybe things really are bad with Claire. They surely seem to argue more than anything else. And she’s definitely not interested in the band or his success.

  I feel sick just thinking such terrible things. He’s married with two babies. I need to make signs that say that, and post them all over my apartment. And then never invite anyone over.

  Axl’s arm feels good around my shoulders, and maybe Bianca is right. There’s only one way to stop this confusing conversation.

  I stand up and offer Axl my hand, gesturing towards my bedroom. “You coming?”

  Axl needed to get to the tattoo shop early, and I’m not scheduled until tonight. He left early and kissed me goodbye, promising to return later to pick me up for my shift. It will be nice to get my car back.

  As I spread out in my small, empty bed, I rub my face vigorously. Chicago in February is not sounding like a fun idea, but I’ve made a nice mess of things here.

  Axl is amazing. On paper he’s the perfect guy for me, but life isn’t lived on paper. He isn’t going to fire me if I won’t date him. He’d have to explain that one to his parents, but things will be very awkward. I am halfway through my piercing apprenticeship, and if I quit to work at another shop, I will have to start all over.

  And then there’s the band. We are on the brink of something, but can I keep singing those songs with Brandon, and continue practicing alone with him? He asks me for extra vocal practice time, outside of the main band practice time with all of the guys.

  I always assumed that was necessary, but now Axl’s words are stuck in my head. I am his muse? Does he have feelings for me, too? And even if he does, I don’t want to be the one to break them up. If that’s going to happen, it has to happen on its own. I think it will someday, but I can’t put my own life on hold.

  I pick up my cell phone and see that it’s about time I get out of bed and face the day. Just as I am pondering calling my mother, and jumping into the parental escape hatch, the phone rings. Brandon. I promised to talk to him today. Shit.

  “Hey, I didn’t want to call you too early. Is your boyfriend gone?”

  “I don’t have a boyfriend.” Technically this is true. And when I am back in Chicago I won’t be able to accidentally sleep with anyone who could be mistaken for a boyfriend. At least no one Brandon knows.

  “Okay, well we need to talk about the bombshell you dropped on me last night. Are you off today?”

  I rub my eyes and sigh. “No, I work later. I could come over.” What are these stupid words coming out of my mouth? If I just call my mother, I can be on a plane back home in no time.

  “I’m home. I have to work on my manuscript today—it’s finally almost ready to turn into my editor at Bella Donna. Claire went into the office today, but her mother is here watching the kids. But don’t worry—she won’t bite. You’re not on Claire’s shit list.”

  I will be if I tell the truth. This would be a good time to improve my lying skills. I search my memory for some good ones that worked in the past, like telling my mother that my brother was the one that put lipstick on the cat. Never mind. No one believed that. I’m doomed.

  I agree to meet Brandon at his house, and I tell myself this visit is no different than all of the other times I have gone over there to practice, babysit or just hang out. Really, the Harmon home is like a second home to me.

  This is why I feel like a traitorous slut. How could I be thinking of Brandon in any impure way when his wife loves me, trusts me and allows me to take care of her babies? It’s all so incredibly fucked up. And while I do know how to take care of the kids, I don’t want kids. I’m twenty-two years old! In no reasonable world do I want to be a stepmother. And what am I even talking about? Brandon is not going to leave his wife and family for me. Or anyone.

  I jump in the shower and hope my landlord paid the water bill. Lately I’ve gotten caught short on the hot water and ended up blasted with icicles. Maybe if that happens today it will blast me with an idea to get out of my mess.

  I don’t want to return to Chicago. But maybe a visit would be good. I could tell both Brandon and Axl that I need a break. Someone is sick? No, that’s a jinx and someone might actually get sick. I could go away on a romantic trip with Axl. I’m pretty sure he would go for that, and if I get away from Brandon for a while, I might break the spell of this stupid crush.

  Except it feels like so much more than a crush.

  Feeling like an idiotic teenager, I rub my hair to barely damp with the towel, and flick it behind my shoulders. It’s so long and fine—it will be dry before I apply my makeup. Nothing too special—just my usual black liner. I could use a little of that glitter that highlights my green eyes, but I don’t want to go overboard. Claire’s mother is there and she will give me the once over, even though I am on the trusted list with her daughter’s husband.

  After my shower I realize that I don’t have my car. I didn’t want to call Axl and ask him to drive me to Brandon’s house. What an awkward mess that would be. So I asked my neighbor who lives downstairs to give me ride. Rob. I asked Rob to give me a ride. For some reason he was home today. Max is training a new guy in their air conditioning and refrigeration business, so Rob was planning on going to see his woman anyway. Since Diamond lives across the street from Brandon, he was happy to help.

  Now that I’m here, I’m not sure how I am going to…

  “Hi, Mrs. McDonald. I’m here to see Brandon.”

  “Oh,
hi Zoe. Come on in. Dixie, Duncan get back.”

  Claire’s mom looks a little worse for wear lately. Since Claire and Brandon adopted newborn Aurora just a few weeks ago, Grandma McDonald has offered to take care of the babies during the week. Claire’s been working from home, but most of the child care burden falls on Grandma. Apparently the last nanny they had was also hot for Brandon, and it was decided that although he needs help during the day, he also needs supervision. They treat him like an idiot, a dirtbag, or both.

  I bend down to pet the wiener dogs, as I see Aidan toddling over to greet me. He’s a sweet little guy.

  “The baby is sleeping, but you can hold her if she gets up before you leave.”

  Everyone assumes that women want to hold babies. I mean, I don’t mind holding her, but I would much rather hold…

  “Hey, Zoe. What’s up? I just came up to grab a snack. Want anything?”

  I really want a beer, but I’ll wait until we go down to Brandon’s basement studio/office to make that request. The McDonalds drink, but I don’t think they approve of afternoon coed drinking.

  “I’m okay. Did you want to show me what you’re working on downstairs?” Why does everything sound suggestive when said in front of Claire’s mother? I know why. Guilty conscience.

  “You kids go ahead and do your work. I won’t bother you.” Claire’s mom stares at us as we walk down the steps and close the door. I swear, she and her daughter have this house bugged. Brandon just doesn’t see what they’re doing to him. How does he not feel imprisoned? But I have to remember that he proposed and he arranged these adoptions. Brandon is a committed family man.

  “So you do want a beer, right?” Brandon smiles and pokes my arm. I feel the tingly sensation I always do when he touches me.

  “Yes, of course. I didn’t want to get you in trouble with your supervisor.” I smirk and reach out my hand to receive the ice cold brew from the fully stocked mini-fridge.

  “She’s not that bad.” Brandon pops the beer top and hands it to me. “I’m not doing anything wrong, so I don’t care if she’s here. Plus she is fantastic with the kids and the dogs. My productivity has soared since she’s been on the job. The nights have been rough, though. Babies don’t sleep. Claire is tired.”