by Ana Simons
Sue chokes on a sob and my body goes rigid, the pang of guilt and remorse hitting me violently.
Fuck.
“Damn you, Brian! He was searching each face in the crowd, looking for you the entire time! And I called you like a hundred times, but you didn’t even bother to answer the damned phone!” Her voice is rising with every word. “You should have seen the disappointment in his eyes... How dare you do this to my child? He looks up to you, you’re his friggin’ hero!”
“Sue, please.”
“Now, if you don’t want to be part of his life, that’s fine. But don’t make promises you don’t plan to keep, you hear me? Don’t you ever mess with any of my kids again or I’ll...” Her trembling voice trails off.
Dead silence hangs for a moment, but her words keep echoing through my mind, the taste of regret burning inside.
I love her children more than anything in the world and Josh is special. He’s my little mate. I can always rely on him to make me smile or laugh. To keep me on my toes. To give me so much more than I’ll ever be able to give to him. I’d never, ever do anything to purposely let him down.
I inhale deeply, ploughing a hand through my hair as I try to form the words. “I’m so sorry, I truly am. Give me an hour. I’ll go talk to him.”
“That’s not all.” Another pained look crosses Sue’s face.
The dull ache in my gut intensifies. I arch my brows, asking her to continue.
“Jimmy’s been calling you all morning too. It’s his granddad...”
*
“It’s all good, don’t be so hard on yourself.” Tapping me reassuringly on the leg, Josh’s eyes flare with understanding as he looks up at me. “I get it, I’m a big boy. How could you have made it, if you’re going away and have, like, a ton of things to prepare?”
Seated on one of the benches of the Holland Park playground, he takes another greedy bite of ice-cream.
“Right, you’re a big boy now.” I smile at his innocence, a bitter smile though. Culpability is eating me up inside. “Three sisters to look after sure is a lot of responsibility. How have you been handling the situation, mate?”
“Going slowly insane. They’re always crying and whining. I’ve been thinking about moving out.”
Letting out a laugh, I poke him a little. “Where would you go, kiddo?”
He shrugs, his attention seemingly more focused on the chocolate chips he’s picking out with his fingers than on anything else.
I stretch back with my hands clasped behind my head, feeling the rays of sun permeate my skin and warm up my face, the anxiety easing at last.
It’s all quiet now. There were a few endlessly amused kids swaying to and fro on the swings, but they’re gone now. It’s just the two of us and the sound of the leaves in the trees rustling a little.
“How’s the ice-cream?”
He glances up at me, his freckled face smudged with vanilla and chocolate. “It’s not contagious, is it?”
“What? That sticky mess on your face? Hope not.” I hand him a tissue.
He cleans his mouth clumsily and then puts on his thinking face. “What do you think your life will be like when you die?”
I’m taken aback for a moment, not really knowing how to explain the impossibility beyond the question. How do you even approach that inescapable part of life with a seven-year-old kid?
“You’ve already heard about Arthur, have you?”
“How long have you known him?”
“As far back as I can remember. Did you know he was the one who taught us, Jimmy and I, how to ride a four-wheel bike? We were fourteen or fifteen. That was one hell of a summer! I’ll teach you too, someday.”
“Mum says he went to heaven, that everything in heaven is beautiful and perfect.” He pauses with his tongue hanging out, ice-cream dripping onto it. “If it’s such a great place, why was she crying on the phone?”
“Because it’s always sad when we have to say goodbye to the people we care about.”
“But is it contagious or not?”
“No! Where did you get that from? Jimmy’s granddad has been very ill for a while now and his heart was too tired and weak to continue to–”
“Oh good, what a relief!” His shoulders sag, on his face a totally deadpan expression. “Because we went to see him last week and I still have a lot to do before I can go to heaven. Like finish school. Maybe get a girlfriend. You’re also going to die one day, aren’t you?”
“Nothing in life is certain except death and taxes, a wise man once said.”
He stops licking and crinkles his nose, staring at me with a puzzled expression. “I don’t understand.”
I put my hand on his shoulder and give it a squeeze. “It’s okay. It’s complicated, even for adults. But you should know no one ever really dies. They keep on living in our hearts.”
Josh’s confused expression intensifies. “In our hearts? Wasn’t it in heaven? Where’s heaven anyway?”
Why do such euphemisms always seem so hard to explain?
A quick check of my watch confirms I’ve got to take him home now. “Come on, we’d better get going or I’ll miss that plane.”
He holds my hand as we walk back to the car park. “Ben says they stuck his grandmother inside a coffin until Jesus picked her up.”
“Yes, some people do that.”
“And then they planted her.”
I let out a chuckle. Josh is one of the most thoughtful kids I know. His random connections, quite often little excursions into the absurd, are sometimes as funny as they are completely and totally insane.
“Are they going to plant Arthur too? I mean, why would they even put people in the ground? It’s filled with bugs and yucky stuff. Unless they’re going to grow into something. Are they? Why doesn’t Jesus come down right away?”
“Jesus comes to pick up your soul, not your body.”
“And why do they put a stone on the top? Ben says it’s to keep them down there, but where else would they go anyway?” He tilts his head and frowns at me, clearly confused. “What’s the soul?”
I look up at the oak trees, secretly hoping for some help on this. Quite frankly, I find it confusing too.
“Well, your soul... some people believe there’s a part of us that...” I struggle to find words. “It’s sort of an invisible part that exists within us, something that–”
“Hey, it’d be really cool if you could bring me an Arsenal shirt!” He shakes my hand, a cute smug smile peeking from the corners of his mouth.
“Hmm. Not sure I can find those over there. Maybe I can get you something from the New York Knicks instead.” I turn Josh’s cap backwards. “A cap maybe?”
Eyebrows raised, he gives me a thumbs-up sign. “Have I told you Mattie farts a lot? Emma says those are burps coming out of her tiny bum. What’s your view on that?”
“Huh...” Right now, I don’t have an answer. I think my brain is hurting.
“This was fun. Can we come back next week again? And try the Smurf ice-cream? Can we bring Emma along? You’ll be back next week, won’t you?”
“I will. I’ll be back on Friday. How about I pick you up from school? And you stay overnight?”
Jumping with excitement, Josh high-fives me before he slides into the backseat and slams the door shut, on his face a beaming smile I can’t get enough of.
On the outside, the reflection in the car window is one of a guy who’s smiling too, genuinely wishing there were more moments like this.
*
“You sure you don’t want to come in?” Josh’s lips set into a little pout.
I check my watch again. We’re on the pavement, right in front of my sister’s front garden. “Sorry, mate. Really need to go.”
“But aren’t you saying goodbye to Mum?”
“Have already. Now go. I’ll wait here till you get inside and wave you all goodbye.”
“All right then.” He grabs my sleeve and pulls me down, to give me a kiss and whisper in my ear, “Don�
��t forget my cap. And our guys’ night.”
“I won’t. I promise.” I ruffle his hair before he runs to the front door, where Sue is already waiting with Mattie on her hip.
Standing at the living room window, with her nose pressed against the glass, making funny faces, I find Emma, giggling and waving. I wave back.
Shaking my head, amused at the whole scene, I walk to the car and open the door, casting one last glance back at them all. For a moment my eyes rest on Emma again, who’s blowing me kisses from the palms of her tiny hands. So cute.
But then I freeze, the unexpected glimpse of a silhouette behind the drifting gauzy curtains making my heart thump so hard in my chest. A silhouette of a woman rocking Marianne in her arms.
A woman I used to know a long time ago. A very long time ago...
3 BUSINESS OR PLEASURE?
“HELLO? ANYONE THERE?”
No, apparently not.
Odd.
I wanted to tell Josh I’d found the shirt he asked for, here, in one of the airport’s duty-free stores, but there’s only silence on the other end of the line.
Should I try again?
No, forget about it.
But after the shit I pulled earlier today, I’m certain it’d put a huge smile on his face.
Sure. If that was the real reason why you’re calling.
Right, but–
You only want to know who was inside.
Except you already do, don’t you?
It’s been a while since we last talked, a decade maybe, but I do know it was her. Jimmy’s cousin. Once the light of my life, the most amazing girl I’d ever met. Also, the girl who gave me up so easily, who hurt me like no one else ever has.
Olivia Burke. Ten years or not, I’d recognise her in a heartbeat.
And now it’s eating at you. She’s here for their granddad’s funeral and you don’t know whether you’ll be back in time to see more than a fragment in the distance.
“Shit, what terrible timing,” I hear myself groan as I tuck my phone back into my jacket pocket.
The passenger sitting next to me gives an annoyed huff. “Great! That big-mouth idiot is going to break the damn thing and we’ll be stuck in here for God-knows-how-long till they fix it!”
I turn my head to check what all the ruckus is about. Two rows behind us, a bulky bloke in an expensive suit is trying to force his carry-on into the overhead, when it quite obviously will never fit in there. One of the flight attendants is trying to reason with him but it looks like a nasty argument is about to break out.
“They should throw them both into the aircraft hold. The bag and the bloody prick,” my neighbour adds dryly before letting her head fall back against the seat headrest.
I’m tempted to agree, but I don’t say anything. For once I don’t feel like making small talk with anyone.
A few moments later I hear her take another deep breath of annoyance and almost grin in amusement.
Not that it matters, but what are the odds? The person I’m going to share an armrest with for the next eight hours happens to be a beautiful woman. She’s got a sophisticated yet casual look. Perfect brown skin and a cute face framed by thick hair. And a take-no-shit attitude that reminds me of my sister.
I smile to myself thinking of Sue.
She can be such a pain. The most annoying person in my life, always irritating the bloody hell out of me. Also my biggest supporter. Always pushing me to be the best possible version of myself.
I hate myself for not telling her the truth. But I know she’d try to talk me out of it. Plus, I don’t want her to worry any more than she already does.
Preferring to enjoy my solitude, I put in my earbuds, the universal sign you’re in a no-talking mood. Mary’s antics, my letting Josh down like that, Sue’s words this morning rumbling in my head – it’s all nagging at me, consuming me from the inside out. The only thing I want is to slam my seat back and shut down. A few hours of uninterrupted sleep, without phone calls or meetings, project descriptions or architectural plans. Or reminiscing on the past.
“Dear passengers, this is your captain speaking. We have now reached our cruising altitude. Please feel free to move around the aircraft–”
“But please stay inside until we land. Because it’s a bit chilly outside.” The words come with a gentle tap on my arm. “Excuse me. May I?” My neighbour gestures toward the lavatory.
“Yes, of course.” I unbuckle and step into the aisle to let her past, making use of the opportunity to get my iPad out of the overhead bin.
Taking the moment to stretch my legs, I lean against the side of the seat and turn the device on while waiting for her to return.
A few minutes later she’s back. Out of the corner of my eye I see an easy smile playing on her lips.
“Thank you.” Big brown eyes meet mine, and she leans forward a little, lingering at my chest for an instant before slipping back into the middle seat, the sweet, spicy scent of her perfume staying behind with me.
“You’re welcome.” I give her a tight smile.
“What?” she asks out of nowhere moments later, glancing at the iPad screen.
“Didn’t say anything.”
“Are those your kids?” On the background image, a picture of Josh and Emma making silly faces.
“Nephew and niece.” I swipe at the screen to unlock it, not elaborating any further.
“Is it business or pleasure?”
“Sorry?”
“Are you travelling for work?”
“Yes.” I turn the iPad toward her, on the screen some calculations on a spreadsheet.
“Me too. Covering a fashion event. Photographer. How well do you know the city?”
“Not that well, I’m afraid.” I lie. After four years of studying at NYIT, I know it like the back of my hand.
“Oh, I just love New York! You can travel the world without leaving Brooklyn, how amazing is that? It has this special vibe you don’t find anywhere else. And do you know where the best pizza in the world is? In Old Fulton Street. Best Beer? East Village,” she goes on, brimming with enthusiasm, gesturing with her hands dramatically to emphasise her views. “And let’s not forget, Spider-Man and Jay-Z live in New York. So basically, before you can say ‘Bob’s your uncle’ you’re already hooked on it!”
She keeps talking and talking. A mile a minute.
‘Hey, when we land, would you be up for a threesome?’, I feel tempted to ask as usually there’s no quicker way to get walked out on. But in the end, I restrain myself. She does have a sparkle in her eyes I find both intriguing and entertaining.
“What’s your name again?”
“Josephine. Friends call me Jo.” She reaches out and clasps my hand in a firm handshake, her brown, curious eyes penetrating mine.
“Brian.”
I wake up at 2 a.m. to adjust my pillow. The armrest is up, and Josephine is leaning up against me, her head on my shoulder. I set her straight and adjust the blanket around her neck.
She’s an interesting girl indeed. She can babble profusely about anything for hours, but still be funny. She seems smart and exudes such positive energy.
Or just plain craziness, hard to tell.
Anyway, she has asked me if I was up for a drink one of these nights, but I politely said no. Back in London, maybe. I probably hold the distinction of being the only bloke stupid enough to refuse such a generous offer, but I honestly prefer to sit alone with my thoughts and a bottle of red. I need no distractions. All I want is to finish what I came here for and get back home.
ONE MONTH LATER…
4 COMFORTING LIES
NAKED, SHE SLIPS OUT of bed in the dark and strides towards the glass wall. Looking out in silence at the New York skyline, the reflection of her beautiful, perfectly shaped body is framed by a million specks of light coming from the surrounding office towers.
The image is breath-taking.
From among the clothes scattered on the floor, I pick up her black scarf and follow,
circle her from behind and hold her tight against my chest, a familiar floral scent clinging to my nostrils, carrying me away.
‘I love you,’ I whisper against her face, one hand gliding along the curve of her waist, leaving goosebumps in its wake.
Heated eyes land on the reflected figures as black silk traces a line down her neck, over the collarbone. A caress over the soft swell of her breasts and she leans her head back, gasping at the sensations, breathing out my name in a fading murmur.
It makes me feel feverish.
I cover her eyes with the smooth fabric and tie it gently, taking only a moment to stare at us, at her body gathered into my arms, my skin pressed against her skin. At her chest, rising and falling in an uneven cadence. At the parted lips, demanding to be captured.
She moves to turn, but I hold her in place. “Don’t!”
Her breathing deepens in anticipation as my hand slides down her neck and serpentines around her full breasts, down her stomach, her inner thighs. Which I spread gently, cautious fingers delving into moist flesh, each steady movement making her body squirm against me.
“Brian? If you only knew how much…” Her voice trails off into a murmur.
“What?” I search for an answer on the mirrored surface.
She’s biting her lower lip, the arm looped around my neck pulling me closer, her whole body falling apart with pleasure.
“How much…?” I intensify the rhythm of my touch.
“I missed you. I missed you so much.” She arches her back and another whimper escapes her lips, sending a violent shiver through my body. I feel maddened, unable to contain the wave of craving rising inside me.
Turning her, I pin her against the cold wall and kiss her. A dark, possessive kiss. Relentless fury combined with unyielding passion.
I take only a second to come up for air, both of us breathing heavily, before my mouth plunges into hers again, for another hungry kiss, our tongues intertwining in frenetic, desperate motion.