by Ana Simons
I come up for air. “Twenty minutes… or maybe not that long.”
“Twenty minutes?” She pushes me away and yanks the scarf from her head. “I’m starving, needing a shower and you want to have fun? Again? Bugger off!”
“God, woman, you’re cruel! My poor heart’s bleeding now.”
A smile tugs at her mouth. “I’m sure you’ll get over it.”
“It’s not even been a month and you’re already finding excuses? What’s next? A raging headache?” I ask, taking great effort to keep my tone serious.
She drapes the scarf on her neck and loops the longer side around. It goes well with her delicate features and her eyes, that are bright and happy and full of hope.
“Hell no, hon, you won’t ever hear that from me.” She sips her coffee, eyes beaming, and licks her lips. “I’m all for endorphins. It’s the best natural treatment for every migraine! And cramps, too. Forget aspirin! And thank you for the scarf, it’s very pretty. I’ll wear it today.”
I tug at her arm, pulling her onto my lap.
Yes, I still haven’t given up hope.
“And I’ve heard it boosts your immune system,” I whisper into her ear. “May I remind you the flu season is almost here?”
She doesn’t reply to my provocation, though. She leaves a peck on my cheek and moves to sit across from me at the table.
We have our breakfast in silence. A silence loaded with a rising and tantalising tension. Until she lifts her mug and looks fixedly at me over the rim.
With a mischievous smile dancing at the corners of her lips, she asks, “And they say you’ll look younger if you do it at least four times a week. We could have a blast testing that theory, don’t you think?”
I lean back in my chair with a smug smile.
“Having a quick shower.” She winks. “Want to join me? Five minutes to show me what you’ve got?”
I almost choke on my coffee. My eyes scan hers and find an I-need-you-right-now fire that makes my heart leap through the roof.
Seriously, what respectable guy would refuse such an offer? Well, not this one. It’d be a sin to let such an opportunity go to waste...
*
“But we really can’t go to the park today?” Josh asks Olivia, with a half pout on his face.
He’s on a chair by the stove, peering into the pot, stirring the pasta with her help.
“But it’s pouring, sweetie... Here, see if it’s already al dente. We don’t want it all gummy-like and soft, okay?” She offers him a strand she has rolled on a fork.
He shrugs, having no idea whether the thing is cooked or not. “I think I’m a lesbian.”
Olivia swallows back a chuckle. “Why do you think you’re a lesbian, kiddo? That makes no sense.”
“But lesbians like girls, don’t they? At least that’s what Ben told me. Wait, that bugger lied to me?”
“Well... lesbians do like girls, but–”
“I think I’m in love. With Sarah, from Ms Patel’s class. That makes me a lesbian, doesn’t it?”
“No, sweetie, it doesn’t work that way.”
Olivia carries on with her very educational explanation, but I’m not listening anymore. I can’t take my eyes off her: her face, her smile, the way she strokes his hair and talks to him.
My mind gets carried away by this picture, hoping it never changes. It feels like a glimpse into what our life could be – no, can be – hopefully very soon. I’m so thrilled about it sometimes I fear it’s not real, that tomorrow I might wake up and find out that, after all, there’s no one to call in the morning and then again at night before I go to sleep, that there are no more planes to catch on weekends, that there’s no point thinking about how we’re going to make this work.
“Okay, I’m straight, not lesbian. All good. But is it cooked or not? I’m starving!”
“Look, I’ll teach you a trick.” She pulls a couple of strands out of the pot and blows to cool them off. “Grab one and throw it against the backsplash!”
“Gak, but that’s gross!”
“No, it’s not. If it sticks to the tile, it’s ready!”
Which he does.
“It is! Can I throw another one? It looks like those gummy, sticky things mummy hates. But can’t we really go? Uncle Brian always takes me there, me and Milo.”
“That’s lovely,” she comments, smiling, as she drains the spaghetti in the sink.
“It’s a lot of fun. And we also meet a lot of girls there. Milo likes to make friends with them!”
“I see…” Snickering, Olivia throws me a sideways glance.
“Mate, whose team are you on?” I lift him off the chair. “Go get your sister and have a seat.”
“What? What have I said?”
“Nothing, just go!” I jerk my head towards the table.
With a naughty smile playing on her lips, Olivia finishes shaking the strainer over the sink and dumps the pasta into a large bowl. “So, you’ve been teaching him one of the hundred proven ways and places to pick up girls, huh?”
“Soft skills are very important these days.” I drop a quick peck on her cheek.
She gives me a teasing tap on the bum. “Serve the kids. Going to get a jumper; it’s a bit chilly in here, isn’t it?”
“Can I put the parmesan cheese on, Olivia?” Josh asks.
“Yes, sweetheart. I’ll be right back.”
“Josh, where are your manners?” He’s licking the sauce straight from the bowl.
“Hey, look at Emma! Nobody ever tells her anything!” He pouts.
Emma has just shoved a handful of spaghetti into her mouth. Or up her nose. Hard to tell.
I nudge him with my elbow. “Come on, mate! I like this girl a lot. You have to help me impress her.”
He winks back, apparently excited about the idea.
“BRIAN?” Olivia calls me from the bedroom. “Your mobile is buzzing on the nightstand.”
“That’s probably my sister, checking on the kids. Mind looking?”
“Wait… No, it’s someone called Josephine. Want me to take it?”
Oh God, no.
“No! That’s… from work. Leave it, I’ll call her later. And hurry up, this is getting cold,” I mouth nervously before I can weigh the words.
I immediately regret it.
You stupid moron!
It was just a gentle lie.
A lie is a lie. She’ll find out and you’re screwed.
“So, you guys hungry?” Olivia asks, and Josh and Emma raise their hands.
A quick kiss on their cheeks and she takes the seat next to mine, with the same warm smile on her face, that radiant light I’ve been longing for so long.
I look at her and feel searing remorse. The last thing I want is to hurt her. Or lose her. The thought of it churns my stomach and this uneasy feeling something bad is about to happen leaves me beyond restless.
26 CAN I KISS YOU?
“SO, YOU REALLY SNAPPED back together? That’s brilliant, man!” Jimmy says giving me a back-smacking hug. “Now, you little shit, don’t go breaking her heart. Or I’ll have to break your legs.”
“Sod off,” I tell him good-humouredly.
“You two are fucking hilarious!” Mark, my brother-in-law, cracks a loud laugh. “Just wait until they start busting your balls over stuff you don’t even know about. Then come to me again and we can continue this little chat,” he advises, as he drops another half dozen burgers on the grill.
“JOSH MCREARY! I saw that and I don’t want to see it again. MARK, look at your son!” Sue shouts hysterically, holding one of the twins on her hip while pushing Emma on the swing.
The weather’s lightened up a bit and the kids are outside too, playing football in the back garden. We all turn our heads towards Josh and through the corner of my eye I catch him showing the middle finger to some other kid.
Mark rolls his eyes and breathes out an exasperated sigh. “See? That’s what I have to put up with: some batshit crazy hormones or whatever got into
her today! Only God knows.”
“What the hell happened, mate?” I ask.
“You ask me? Someone gave her a free pass to freak out today or something! All I know is she woke up this morning and decided it was a great day to play the drama queen part and drive me bonkers, that’s what happened. She’s been whining, pestering and nagging everyone for every reason and for no reason at all.
“So, here it is: your future. Contemplate it now, you bunch of morons!” He clinks his beer to ours and takes a sip.
“Bugger off! I bet you started some fight thinking about the amazing make-up sex you’ll be having tonight,” Jimmy says, shoving a hand into his pocket with a mocking grin on his face.
Yeah, it’s hilarious indeed. Everyone knows they can’t stay pissed off at each other for more than a day.
Mark keeps quiet for a little while, flipping the burgers furiously and sipping his beer. “Oh, sod it! Remember Beth, that girlfriend I had like a hundred years ago? We met her today, at the supermarket. I was just being polite and said ‘Hi, there. How are you? Nice to see you’ and that was it. The bloody thing led to a teensy little argument in the car and then to near Armageddon when we got home. ‘Why do you have to be friends if you don’t have feelings for her anymore?’ she kept asking. No joke. Friends? For goodness sake, we’re not friends! And even if we were, why do women have to complicate what’s not complicated at all?”
Okay, he needs to vent now. Jimmy was just telling us about their honeymoon, the great places they’d visited and the cool stuff they did together. But Mark is apparently way over that phase now. Then again, ten years, four kids and twenty pounds later it should be expected, I guess.
“They say it is, but it’s not: ignorance is not bliss!” Mark continues. “I might as well tell you the truth: I’m sorry, but you’re all setting yourselves up for disaster! Just wait until they start to throw your stuff away. And whining because your mother doesn’t like them. And turning into miss bossy pants and annoying the hell out of you. And trying to change you and make you watch a bunch of schmaltzy, tear-jerking films or, even worse, drag you to look for table-fucking-cloths!” He finishes his beer and then turns to point the barbecue fork right under my nose. “And you, my little twerp, wait until she begins to ask you for your official score sheet. That’s when all hell will break loose!”
Laughing, I hold up my hands in surrender.
Jimmy lets out a loud laugh too.
Mark shifts the fork in his direction. “What’s so fucking funny? I’ll bet you fifty quid, shit will hit your fan first!”
I don’t know if it’s the idea itself, the menacing glare he throws at us or the daunting tone he puts into his words, the truth is the whole thing is a bit frightening.
I instinctively seek for Olivia in fear his prophecy could somehow come true. That incident this morning is still hovering over my head like a gathering storm threatening to swoop down and wreck everything in its path. I’m planning to talk to her about it tonight, when things get quieter.
A hard tap on my back brings me back from my thoughts. It’s Mark again. “Hey, love is a motherfucker, but what can we do? It’s not going to be easy and breezy all the time, so chill out. Never forget patience is the magic word. Now go get me another beer, will you?”
He hasn’t yet finished talking when my phone begins to ring in my jacket pocket. The thought it might be Jo again makes my heart crash against my chest.
Damn it, what in the hell does she want now?
Wasn’t I clear enough the last time we talked?
I reluctantly fish it out with that uneasy suspicion I’m getting into some unasked-for shitty situation – one that must end immediately. I’m determined to answer this time and dismiss her.
My worst suspicions don’t come true, though. It’s just Olivia.
I raise my head and find her by the window smiling warmly at me, holding one of the twins, her little head resting on Olivia’s shoulder, sleeping.
The picture is powerful, it rocks me to the core.
The fear of losing her hits me again, as the realisation dawns on me that we indeed have this connection you can’t see, one that lingers between the two of us in a way that goes beyond explaining. It goes well beyond the superficial and deepens into something way more meaningful. It’s something I want so badly, that the thought that it could slip through my fingers again makes me feel sick.
“Hey, handsome. How’re you doing?” She speaks very softly.
“Fine. You?”
“Marianne has just fallen asleep. Want to help me put her to bed?”
“I’ll be right up.”
*
“You know what I was just thinking about?” Olivia murmurs, as she snuggles her back against me.
We’re in the twins’ room. She’s sitting between my legs, on the floor, in the middle of a bunch of pink cushions and toys, looking at Marianne, who’s quietly sleeping in her bed.
I wrap my arms around her even tighter and jerk my chin to the magazine my sister must have forgotten next to the rocking chair.
“That you can’t forget to take this back to our place?” It’s an issue of Cosmopolitan, on the cover the title of some article about the best sex positions. “And then you’ll say something like ‘Babe, look inside and note down everything you want us to try’?”
She snorts a laugh.
Knowing she knows I’m kidding, I kiss her on the temple. “What were you thinking?”
“The first time we kissed. Do you remember?”
I nod.
Christmas that year ended up becoming something really special. The Burke brothers spent the season in the cottage Jimmy’s father owns in Surrey, and my family paid them a visit on the 25th. Turns out that in the end we also stayed for the rest of the holidays, my sister and I.
After some inner struggle, I convinced myself I wasn’t going to wait any longer, I was going to tell her – that she was different from the other girls, that I cared for her.
I’d wanted to tell her long before that, but courage had always abandoned me. I was pretty sure she’d laugh in my face.
How do you tell someone who you’ve known for your entire life that, suddenly, the world looks greater when she’s around? That you can’t do anything to control the stupid grin on your face each time you see her?
One evening we went out to walk their dog. Pancho was a white schnauzer that was certifiably crazy and as stubborn as a mule. When we reached the fields and the snow got deeper and deeper, the goddamned dog became so excited he went ballistic and began to run amok. Every time we cried his name, he only stopped to look back and bark some ‘you can kiss my white furry arse’. So we lost him.
It was already dark, when we found the devil’s hound again, all mucky and soaking wet. Olivia, who’d been crying her eyes out, was so happy and relieved she jumped straight into my arms.
I pulled back, wiped a lost tear, and finally asked if I could kiss her with my most confident attitude. But I was scared shitless, that’s the truth.
‘I thought you’d never ask,’ she sighed against my mouth. And I kissed her. Softly. Just like I’d seen in the films.
“I also remember that you liked it. A lot.” I tickle her a little after we’ve both taken this trip down memory lane.
“I did.” She rests her head against my shoulder. “And here we are again, almost fourteen years later. This is all so crazy...”
Falling in love is indeed a crazy, funny and sometimes scary thing. And falling back in love is probably even crazier and more confusing than that.
I don’t know, I like to think it’s the confirmation that we were right before, that the heart didn’t give us the wrong instructions. It was just some unexpected thing that came in between, making us drift apart for a while, not because we stopped caring, but because life is like that, it crashes over you and then sweeps you forward.
“Now that we talk about it, we could actually return there. How about this Christmas?” I suggest.
/> She throws me a quick, gentle smile.
I know what she’s thinking. That I’m not making plans just for the next weekend but including her in my future – and that’s why I have to come clean with her and undo that stupid slip I had this morning.
“Listen, Liv, there’s something I need to tell you–”
“Me too.” She turns swiftly and sits in front of me, with legs crossed, her hands holding mine. “I already wanted to ask you this earlier today, but you found a way to distract me. So now you let me go first!”
“Okay.”
“Well, I’d already thought about it before, way before we got back together. But now I do have another reason to really consider this...”
“Yes?”
“Well, you know, working with Filipe in the same hospital has never been easy, but now it’s become the definition of a nightmare. He always finds a way to drive me out of my mind. Especially, since that day you informed us we were dating.” She lets out a laugh and a squeaky little mewling cry rises from the bed.
“So?” Anticipating what she’s about to say, I can barely hold back the smile forming on my face.
“So,” she whispers, her eyes checking on the baby. “I was thinking about moving here. I’d have to check with HR first, I probably can’t leave immediately, but that also gives me the time to look for something else. I’ve done some research already and there are quite a few interesting vacancies nearby and–”
I hold her head in my hands. “Can I kiss you?”
The smile crossing her face is reflected in her eyes. It’s happiness I find in them.
“Love you.”
“I’m going to live with my nana for a while. Until I get my own place and… then we see what happens.”
You’re going to live where?!
“We should take it slow, Brian.” She strokes my hair, noticing the disappointment I didn’t verbalise. “We still have some holes to patch, and besides, as much as we want to think we’re the same, we’re not. People are always changing; we both changed a lot in all these years and–”
“You’re right.” I know she is. “But I can tell you already you haven’t lost any of your finest attributes: your kindness, your sense of humour, your gentle smile.” I pause for a moment, with a crooked smile playing at the corners of my lips. She smothers a chuckle, knowing already it’s going to derail into some playful banter. “And your nice arse!”