“Everything is perfect.”
“I’ll just be downstairs if you need anything…”
“No, don’t!” My words leave my mouth faster than I can process my request. “Stay?”
Mati nods as she closes the door and moves further into the bathroom. Taking a seat on the floor beside the tub, Mati places her forearms on the side and rests her chin on them. Her hair is pulled up and out of her face, an oversized hoodie covering her beautiful body.
I can’t believe I turned her down last night. Who does that?
“What’s on your mind?”
“You.” I smile. “You are always on my mind, Mati.”
“Talk to me?”
“About what?” I ask, my brow creasing.
“Whatever it is that you’re thinking.” Mati sighs. “Anything and everything.”
“I miss you.” My hand rests over hers. “I miss you so much and I’m sorry about what happened last night. I love you and I need you to know that.”
“It really isn’t a big deal, Liv.” Running her thumb over my knuckles, Mati stares intently. “We don’t have to be intimate. That isn’t what I want for us right now. I just wanted you to feel something, anything…other than hurt.”
“I know and you have to believe that I want that with you. I wasn’t pushing you away, sexually, but my mind wasn’t in it. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to be sorry.” Mati shakes her head, disagreeing. “You’ll get there. Your body is still recovering from the trauma you’ve been through.” She gives my hand a reassuring squeeze. “Because it was, it was traumatic.”
“She knew she was dying…” My breath catching in my throat as I speak those words for the first time, Mati remains silent and I’m thankful for that. I need a moment to realize what I’ve just said. I need a second to form another sentence. “S-She knew.”
Sitting forward, my body is in the center of the bath as I bring my knees up to my chest. Holding myself and playing over the words I’ve just spoken in my mind, my body shakes as the sobs take over my entire being. Feeling the water level rise, Mati is suddenly settling down behind me, fully clothed.
“Come here.” She whispers as she pulls me back between her legs. “I’ve got you.”
Her arms holding me as tight as possible, my body melts into Mati’s and I allow the tears to fall freely. I need to cry. I need to scream. Mati is here, though…and she is the one support I need. I won’t allow myself to lash out at her. This isn’t her fight.
“I’ve got you.” Her words repeated like a mantra, I steady my breathing and try to remain calm.
Her chin resting on my shoulder, she holds me like she always did. This is all I needed all those months ago when I was back home and alone. I needed Mati. Her arms. Her strength. Her love. I cannot change the past but I know I’m exactly where I should be. Where I belong. Where we belong. If I’m beginning to realize anything, it is that no matter how long the healing process takes, Mati will still be here at the end of it…by my side and cheering me on.
Everything about this woman screams love, honesty, and trust. Everything about her gives me hope. Absolutely everything. My tears subsiding, Mati doesn’t loosen her grip. It’s comforting and it’s home. She is my home.
“Y-You’re wet.” I whimper.
“That’s okay.”
“Thank you, Mati.”
***
The sun fading behind the trees as I cross the street, I check the time and pull the cuff of my flannel shirt back over my watch. It’s a little after six in the evening and I’m about to head inside a bar I liked the look of when I passed it a couple of days ago.
Mati is currently at home and working on some shots but she did offer to join me for a walk. A walk I told her I was taking but is ending sooner than it began. She has been an absolute rock for me today but I need a little time alone. I need to just sit with my thoughts and breathe. Taking my cell from my pocket, I find an unread message waiting for me.
Just checking you’re okay? Mati x
I’m okay. I’ll see you later. Liv x
Later? Mati x
Deciding not to respond just yet, I lock my cell and shove it in my jacket pocket. Coming to a stop outside the bar which caught my attention, I glance up at the sign and step inside. It’s dark and a little rugged looking but it has people in it so it can’t be that bad.
Reaching the bar, I’m met by a woman who looks like she knows exactly what she is doing. I throw some cash down, and the bartender rests her elbows on the counter between us, giving me a smile.
“What can I get you?”
“Vodka, neat.”
“This bar really doesn’t seem like your type.” She narrows her dark eyes.
“Well, I have no place else to be right now…” I shrug. “This place doesn’t seem like your type, either.”
“Ah, but I get all the hot ladies.” She smiles. “So, it’s worth the misery I face when I walk through those doors at 5 pm.”
“Sure.” I clear my throat. “Any sign of my drink?”
“Of course.” She throws me a wink and I settle down on a bar stool.
Setting my drink down in front of me, the bartender pushes the cash I’ve left on the counter back towards me. Realising that she is still standing watching me, I glance up at her.
“It’s on me.”
“Oh, that isn’t necessary.” I shake my head.
“But it is, and if you need anything…anything at all? Give me a shout and I’ll be right over.” Okay, is she flirting with me?
Smirking, she slings a bar towel over her shoulder and disappears. Sure, she’s hot and a little mysterious, but she has nothing on Mati. Nothing whatsoever. Remembering that I have an amazing woman in my life, I take my cell from my pocket and reply to her previous message.
I’ll come see you later. Liv x
Where are you? Mati x
Just…out. Liv x
Locking my cell, I place it down on the bar in front of me and knock back my drink. The familiar burn sends my head spinning but I’ll just have a few and get out of here. Motioning for another drink, the dark-haired bartender approaches me and refills my glass.
“It’s Nicole, by the way.”
“Oh, uh…Olivia.” Raising my glass, I knock back my second drink and wince as it travels down my throat. “Another, thanks.”
“You should really slow down…”
“Why?” I give Nicole a look of confusion.
“The night is only young and if you keep up that pace…” She points at my empty glass. “…we won't have the chance to get better acquainted later tonight.”
Really? Why do some women just assume?
“I mean, we should definitely get to know each other a little better, no?”
“Oh, no.” I laugh, shaking my head. “I’m good, thanks.”
Giving Nicole a genuine smile, her jaw drops a little at the blow off she has just received. Something tells me she isn’t about to take it lightly though or give it up any time soon.
“Boyfriend?” She arches her eyebrow.
“Girlfriend.”
My cell vibrating on the bar counter, Mati’s name flashes on the screen and I smile as I unlock it.
Olivia, where are you? Do you want me to walk with you? I could use a walk right now. Mati x
I’m fine, beautiful. Enjoy your evening to yourself. You need it. Liv x
I don’t NEED anything. Come back, please? Mati x
Sure. I’ll be back in a few hours. Liv x
“Trouble in paradise, love?” Nicole smirks as she tries to read my eyes.
“No, no trouble.”
“Of course, not.” She holds up her hand. “And that is why you’re sitting here alone.” Nicole tops up my glass. “You know, I can totally scratch that itch for you if you need someone. I can be discreet.”
Ugh! No thank you.
“I’ll take a bottle of white and two shots of tequila.” I climb down from my stool.
“Mm, so
you will be spending a few more hours here?” Nicole prepares my order and I watch as she confidently moves around behind the bar. “Thought you were about to bolt.”
Don’t get me wrong, she is a very attractive woman. Attractive but totally not my type. She has one-night stand written all over her and although I’m drinking alone at a bar, I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m just taking five to myself. Mati doesn’t need my mood around her when I get myself into this way of thinking, so a bar is the next best thing for me. It will pass. It always does.
Please tell me where you are. Mati x
Having a few drinks. Be back soon. Liv x
Which bar? I’m coming to get you. Mati x
Just a bar I found close by. Don’t worry yourself, I’m okay. Liv x
Setting my cell to silent, I slip it into the front pocket of my jeans and head for a lone table at the back of the dark, dingy room. My drinks the only company I have, I crack my bottle of wine and help myself to a large measure. Finish it and leave.
***
Three hours later, I find myself craving human interaction. Mati’s to be exact. I’ve sat in this bar a lot longer than I planned to and I’m beginning to get the impression that my girlfriend is super pissed at me. My mother always told me to face my problems head on but I’m doing the total opposite this evening.
I know she would be angry with me for behaving this way but it’s kinda her fault. She is the one who left me. She is the one who demanded I leave LA and find Mati when she knew she was dying. My mom is the one who created this mess…however unintentional it was.
Closing my eyes to prevent the tears from falling, I breathe deeply through my nose and figure it is probably best I contact Mati. She will be worried. I shouldn’t have done this to her. Taking my cell from my pocket that I set to silent a while ago, I find seven missed calls and five text messages.
Olivia, please come home. Mati x
I don’t know what you’re doing but it has to stop. Mati x
You are worrying me now and I need you to call me. Please, answer your cell. Mati x
Damn it! I’m such an asshole. Why do I do this? Why do I give her a reason to hate me? Because one day she will…it’s inevitable. Could I blame her for that? No. Would I expect her to put up with this pathetic behavior? Also, no. I mean, I was fine this morning. Well, better. Then it all turns to shit at the first thought of a bar.
I’m supposed to be better than this. I’m supposed to be a successful thirty-two-year-old fashion designer who has her life planned out. My life was planned out…and then it fell apart. Whether that was when Mati left or when my mom died, it doesn’t matter. It fell apart regardless.
I’m okay. Liv x
Focusing on the screen in front of me, Nicole appears beside me and takes a seat. I don’t know why she is in my space right now but she’s wasting her time. I wish she would realize that and move on.
“Working your way through that bottle a little slower than I expected.” She nudges my shoulder.
“Uh, whatever.” My brow furrowed, I shrug and turn my attention to the device in my hand.
I’m at a place called Venus. Liv x
Nicole is still sitting beside me and honestly, she’s making me feel nauseous. I need Mati. I need my girlfriend to once again rescue me…even if I don’t deserve her help. Checking my cell again, I internally groan when I find nothing new. No message. No call. No interest from Mati.
Mati?
“You know, I get off in the next half hour so you wanna get out of here with me?” Nicole’s hand rests on my denim-clad thigh. “Like I said, I can be discreet.”
“I’m sure that’s what you tell all the ladies…” Rolling my eyes, I grip my cell in my hand.
“Only the ones who need to hear it.” She smiles and takes her bottom lip between her teeth. “You’re hot…and I’d love to take you home with me, Olivia.”
“And I already told you...” Brushing her hand off my thigh, I shift away from this woman who is beginning to get on my last nerve. “…that I’m not interested. I have a girlfriend.”
“Yet she is nowhere to be seen.” Nicole glances around before turning back to face me, a sarcastic smile forming on her deep red lips.
“Look again!”
A familiar voice calls out from behind us both. Turning in my seat, I look up to find Mati standing behind me, a look of disappointment in her dull eyes. Thankful when Nicole stands and creates a little space, she stands toe-to-toe with my girlfriend.
“You should get her home.”
“Yeah, that’s what I’m here to do.” Mati narrows her eyes. “Maybe you should back off?”
“I was just keeping your girl company.” Nicole shrugs as she holds up her hands.
There is a hint of sarcasm in her voice but I choose not to make a comment on it. Mati is pissed enough right now and I don’t need to add any fuel to this fire.
“Mati, I-“
Mati holds up her hand. “Don’t, Olivia!”
Chapter Nine
Mati
“Mati, wait!”
Olivia calls after me but I carry on walking through the back streets of London. I’m not doing this here. Not in front of people. Our relationship means more to me than that. It means more to me than having an audience who can get their fill of the action and the drama my life seems to be.
“Mati…” Olivia quickens her pace and falls into step with me. “Please?”
“No, Olivia.” I stop dead in the street as I cut her off. “Not here.”
“T-Then where?” She asks, her voice holding uncertainty for the situation she has put us in.
“At home.” I sigh. “Where we should be right now.”
“I don’t have a home.” She scoffs, her balance a little unsteady.
My forehead creases. “Funny, since I thought you were about to share one with me.”
“I-I am. I want that.”
“But?” I arch my eyebrow.
“But you’re mad.”
Is she stating the obvious, or?
“I’m not mad.” I breathe out as I pinch the bridge of my nose. “I’m disappointed.”
Olivia may be going through absolute hell but I won't sit around at home while she drinks herself stupid. It doesn’t fix anything and the feeling the following morning is never worth it. Maybe she has to figure that out for herself but I’m not sure she would. I’m not sure she understands just how fast the downward spiral can be.
“I’m sorry.” Olivia grips my wrist as I try to turn and leave.
“Don’t apologize if you don’t mean it.” Slowly walking away, I head up the street and she follows me, thankfully. “Why did you do that?” My voice low, I am a little mad right now. “I was going out of my mind wondering where you were and you were sat in some dive with some, well…I don’t know who or what that was.”
“It was just the bartender,” Olivia says, nonchalantly.
“Oh, well now that we’ve cleared that up, everything is fine.” I scoff. “I think you need to go home and sleep.”
“Mati, I know you are pissed off and I don’t blame you, but nothing happened with her.”
“I know…I sat watching you for an hour.”
“W-What?” Olivia stutters. “H-How?”
“There are only a handful of bars around here. I’ve lived in London long enough to know which one you would likely be in.” I shove my hands in my jacket pockets. “But that can’t happen again, Liv. What would’ve happened if you’d been so drunk that you went home with her, huh? How would we have fixed that?”
“I wouldn’t have.” She defends.
“Mm, and that’s what I used to tell myself.” I snort. “I’ve been there, remember?” I want nothing more than to head home in silence but I know that isn’t going to happen. I know that Olivia wants to fix this before it’s too late. “I know how this goes, Liv. If you think that nothing would’ve happened had you stayed and drank yourself into oblivion, you’re crazy.”
“I�
�m sorry…”
“Stop apologizing,” I beg. “Because soon, it will lose it’s meaning.”
“I need us to be okay, Mati.”
“We were.” I nod as we round the corner, my place coming into view. “We were fine before you took yourself out for a walk only to end up steaming drunk in a bar.”
“I-I…”
“I want us to be okay.” Taking Olivia’s hand in my own, a light drizzle coats our bodies as we come to a stop. “I want us to be happy.”
“I want that, too.” She steps painfully close to me, the smell of alcohol almost knocking me off my feet.
“I won’t let you self-destruct.” My eyes focusing on the sliver of space between us, Olivia curls her fingers under my chin and lifts my head a little. “I can’t lose what I’ve been trying to build.”
“Hey…” She smiles. “No more, okay?”
“Sure.” I’ll appease my girlfriend but I don’t expect this to be the last time she behaves this way. The only good thing to come out of this evening is that nobody got hurt. Emotionally or physically. “Come on, it’s time to get you to bed.”
Pulling Olivia up the street, her feet scuff the pavement beneath us as she tries to keep up with my pace. I’m not discussing any more of this evening until we are inside and my girlfriend has either a glass of water or a cup of strong coffee inside her.
Tonight has been like watching myself ten years ago and now I’m beginning to realize how mom must have felt when I fell through the door most nights. Now I know the hurt and the upset I caused when I told her to back off night after night.
Reaching my home, I slip my key into the lock and turn it. Beth is working the night shift again and I’m sure she will be thankful of that if Olivia isn’t quite ready for the evening to end. She always was a loud drunk, but I’m desperately hoping it won’t continue once we get inside.
Feeling my body being pushed inside, I almost lose my footing but manage to save myself before I end up face down on the hardwood floor.
“Olivia, what the hell?”
“I’ll keep saying sorry until you believe me, Mati.” Olivia presses her lips against mine. It’s desperate and honestly, it’s not very pleasant. The stench of alcohol overpowering any emotion I feel, I place my hands on her chest and push her away.
Where We Belong: Love Returns Page 8