“I-I…”
“You were always so busy with work and traveling that I didn’t think you would ever really settle down. I figured I would come to terms with who I was and go from there but then you emailed me from Chicago. You were so happy.”
I didn’t expect this at all.
“I told myself I would slowly back away. Eventually, you got into things with Mati and I just kinda fell away. I was thankful for that because I didn’t want to come along and ruin anything between you two.”
“Wow.” Mati breathes out.
“So, I couldn’t be there for you.” Nadia gives me a sad smile. “I know it’s an awful excuse and it doesn’t make any of this right, but I hope you can understand that I had to back away. We didn’t talk for a while and then I heard about your mom. I wanted to call…and then you called me, but I couldn’t pick up.”
“Why?”
“Because I knew the moment I agreed to be there for you…I would kiss you.” I appreciate Nadia’s honesty but I don’t know what to do with all of this. “I knew you had Mati by your side so you would be okay.”
But I didn’t have her by my side…
“S-So, you wanted to be with me?” I ask, my brow furrowed.
I don’t know what I expected from this meeting, but it wasn’t this confession. It wasn’t to be told that Nadia had a thing for me and she was struggling. I don’t know how Mati is reacting internally, but I’m appreciative of the fact that she hasn’t stood up and walked out of this coffee shop.
“Yeah.” Nadia nods slowly. “And by being stupid, I lost a best friend. I should’ve just spoken to you. Told you how I was feeling.”
“Yeah, you should have.” I drop my gaze, running my fingers through my hair. A sadness settling inside me, I bring my coffee cup to my lips and sip. “I just…why didn’t you tell me?”
“I thought you would be mad,” Nadia admits. “I mean, you kissed me all those years ago and I pushed you away. I didn’t know how to deal with the way I was feeling…”
“I get that but it’s not as though we were kids, Nadia. We were what? Like, mid-twenties.”
Mati suddenly sits forward. “I think I’m going to take a walk. Let you guys figure this out alone.”
I grip my girlfriend’s wrist as she stands. “Don’t leave.”
“I just need to get some air, Liv.” She squeezes my hand. “Call me when you’re finished here.”
“It’s okay, Mati.” Nadia interrupts. “I think I’ve said all I needed to say.”
“Please, continue,” Mati says, her voice soft.
“I can’t stay much longer.” Nadia smiles at Mati. “Liv wants you here, so please stay…”
Breathing a sigh of relief as Mati returns to her seat, my hand instantly finds hers. I’m sure she is freaking out but she has nothing to worry about. I’d hope she knows that, too. Nadia can confess anything she wants to, but it doesn’t change how I feel about my girlfriend. It will never change anything between us.
“So, what now?” I turn my attention back to Nadia.
“I’d like to make amends.” She says. “I left you when you needed someone and I don’t know where to begin with picking up the pieces. I’d like to try, though.”
“Mati wasn’t around when mom died.”
“Huh?” Nadia’s forehead creases. “I don’t understand.”
“We broke it off because I was an asshole.” I sigh. “I went home to LA and mom died a few weeks later.”
“I-I didn’t know.”
“And if you had known?” I arch an eyebrow, my coffee cup gripped tight.
“I’d have been there in a heartbeat.”
“In what capacity? As a friend, or someone who was trying to make us, well…something?”
“As a friend, Olivia.” Her hand slips across the table to mine and I feel Mati tense beside me. “We’ve grown up together.”
“We have.”
“We both know that we couldn’t be together.” Nadia states. “If it went wrong, I couldn’t bear to lose that friendship we had. When I met Leanne, I knew I’d made the right choice in backing off.”
“Okay.” I nod.
“Yeah?” Nadia’s smile widens, her eyes teary. “Mati?”
“Huh?” My girlfriend jolts as she hears her name. “Sorry, what?”
“You’re okay with us remaining friends?” Nadia asks, her eyebrow raised.
“Mmhmm.” My girlfriend clears her throat as she wrings her hands together beneath the table. “Sure, yeah.”
“Great, well we should arrange London and come visit.” Nadia perks up. “I could use a break.”
“That would be kinda great.” I shrug, the weight of the world suddenly falling from my shoulders. “We would love to have you.”
“Yeah, we would.” Mati smiles.
“I should head off but it’s been great finally clearing the air.”
I didn’t know the air needed clearing until today, but yeah.
“Promise to keep in touch?” I mirror Nadia’s movements as she stands.
“I promise.” She rounds the table and pulls me into a hug. “I’m not letting you go again, Liv. You mean the world to me.”
“It’s been kinda shitty not having you around,” I admit. “But that’s the end of it now, okay?”
“Agreed.” Nadia smiles, her eyes soft. “Great to finally meet you, Mati.”
“You too.” I glance over my shoulder and Mati stands, holding out her hand. “Take care.”
Watching Nadia leave, I feel like everything in my life is falling back into place. I feel like things are going to even out and I can be happy. Sure, I don’t believe I wouldn’t have been happy with Nadia gone, but having my best friend back does mean the world to me.
“Wow, I didn’t expect that.” I breathe out, shoving my hands in the back pockets of my jeans.
“N-No, I can’t say I did either.”
***
I don’t know at what point the realization hit me, but it has. All those years ago when I kissed Nadia, she pushed me away. She told me I was crazy. She told me she was hurt. I was devastated. It wasn’t because I had kissed her, no…it was because I thought I’d lost my best friend. I thought she wouldn’t give me the time of day ever again. I thought I’d ruined everything. After the initial shock, we were good again. I still freaked out, though. I still thought I’d lost her.
Nadia had that smile. The one that told you everything was okay. The one that told me she cared. I mean, she was everything I could’ve ever wanted. She was sweet, and kind, and always there for me. We were always together.
I’d always known about my true self and I’d never shied away from it, but Nadia was like a closed book. Nadia gave nothing away. As the years passed, I found myself desperately wanting her friendship, but also more. I found myself craving her presence and when she was out with friends, I was jealous. Not because she was out with other people, but because I wanted her attention to be firmly on me.
I tried to push down my feelings but the more I did, the more I wanted to be with her. I understand that she didn’t want to lose our friendship, and who knows…maybe we would’ve been good together, but that moment has passed. That moment is gone. That chance…has gone.
The day I kissed her, Nadia told me it wasn’t what she wanted. I respected that and nothing of the kind happened again. Knowing that she wasn’t into the ladies settled my mind, and honestly, our friendship thrived once the dust had settled.
I couldn’t believe it. I mean, I was thankful that she didn’t avoid me forevermore, but I got it. I understood that not everyone was partial to a kiss from another woman. It was never spoken about again, and in all honesty, she was just awesome in every way imaginable.
Nadia would still stay over, spend the night. In the same room. The same bed. She would still walk around half naked and it didn’t bother me. It didn’t interest me. Why? Because I didn’t see her that way anymore. I’d never force myself or anyone else to feel something that wasn�
��t there, something that wasn’t ever going to happen, so it stopped. From the moment she said no, it ended. Any feelings I had for her, I suppressed them and let it go.
Does knowing that she had feelings for me make me feel different? Yes. Yes, it does make me feel different but nothing changes between us. Mati is the love of my life and I believe that it didn’t work out with Nadia for a reason. What that reason is, I don’t know…but it doesn’t matter anymore. It isn’t relevant.
I’m more hurt by the fact that Nadia wasn’t there when I needed her, or that she felt she couldn’t come and speak to me. Did she think I would just pounce on her and confess my undying love for her? Did she think I would drop everything I had with Mati and leave her? Fall into Nadia’s arms? I don’t know, but what I do know is that she couldn’t speak to me about it.
She couldn’t call me and explain her reasons or the feelings she had for me. She couldn’t bring herself to say those words, but I guess that’s okay. It’s okay because I don’t need to hear them. They are of no use to me.
Taking my cell from the nightstand beside me, I glance at Mati and find her still sleeping. We haven’t really spoken about the conversation we had with Nadia yesterday, but I think we’re okay. I think Mati knows that I’m hers. Approaching the kitchen, I fix myself a cup of coffee before heading for the window and dropping down into a seat close by.
Hey, Liv.
Just a quick email to say thanks for coming by to talk yesterday. It meant a lot to know that you would give me the opportunity to try and make things right. Mati is great and I’m so happy that you are settled with her. I know I’ve already apologized and I know that I cannot turn back time, but I promise to be there for you from here on out. I promise to be on the end of the phone whenever you need to talk things out, and if you ever need anything, I want you to know that you can call me. Any hour. Any day. I cannot change the past and I know I cannot make things right where the death of your mom is concerned, but I hope I can be a better friend to you. A better person.
Looking forward to making arrangements with you for London. Take care and have a safe flight home.
Nadz. X
Closing the email, I wipe away the single tear that has gathered at my jawline. That is the friend I remember. That is the friend I needed most. I know Nadia is sorry and I know that we can move past this. If I’ve managed to move forward before, I can do it again. Sure, things may never truly be the same again, but we have to try. We have to try to be there for each other when it matters most.
Hearing movement across the room, I clear my throat and slip my cell into the pocket of my robe. Mati doesn’t need to see me upset right now. Not when we only have a few hours left of this trip. Yesterday we were supposed to visit my mom's place but it didn’t come about. I was emotionally drained and I think dinner alone with Mati was the best plan I could’ve come up with after Nadia had left the coffee shop. It was a pleasant but quiet evening.
Focusing on the beautiful blue sky, I’m beginning to wish we had planned to stay in Spain a little longer. I know we can arrange another trip, but things have just been so good lately that I’m fearful of it one day ending.
“Hey.” Mati’s sleep filled voice calls out behind me. “Can I join you?”
“Of course, you can.” I find her eyes, my lips curling into a smile. “I was just waking up.”
“Long night, huh?” Mati gives me one of her best smiles and I nod in agreement.
“The longest.”
Leaning down, my girlfriend places a soft kiss on my lips before moving a little closer to the window. Propping herself up against the frame, she takes my coffee from me and sips it slowly.
“Mm, that’s good.”
Handing it back, Mati moves into the kitchen and pours herself a cup of the hot black liquid I’ve just prepared.
“Any room for me in that seat?”
“Always room for you…”
Sitting in my lap, Mati leans back and rests against me. I place my cup down and wrap my arms around her waist from behind. My fingers coming to rest against her stomach, she shivers under my touch and I place a kiss below her ear.
“I love you.”
“Mm.” Mati tilts her head a little to allow me better access. “I love you, too.”
“So, we don’t have much time left here…” My lips work the skin of her neck. I know she is listening, but she is a little preoccupied right now. “We should really begin our day.”
“I-I know.” Mati moans. “But if you keep doing that, we will never leave this room.”
Chapter Nineteen
Mati
Spain has been good for us. The weather. The peace and quiet. It’s been good, but I have Nadia on my mind. I’d like to believe I’m not worried about her relationship with Olivia, but I am. At one time, they both wanted each other. Yes, they may have been oblivious to that fact, but the truth still remains. However you dress it up, Nadia and Olivia could’ve been something more.
Only for the fact that Nadia was too scared to admit her feelings, I never would’ve had Olivia in my life. As this morning has progressed, I’ve come to realize that. Yes, matters happen for a reason, but it doesn’t make me feel any less anxious about this situation.
I’m fully aware that it’s a situation I’m creating in my head and I know Olivia doesn’t know I’m worried, but what am I supposed to say to her? How do I begin a conversation that basically informs my girlfriend that I believe she is going to run off with her best friend? We’re supposed to be leaving Spain and setting up a life together, but I’m stuck in my own head.
Honestly, I was close to offering her the choice of staying this morning. Not with me, no. With Nadia. I’m certain that I’m getting way ahead of myself, and I somehow managed to overlook the thoughts I was having, but this sinking feeling I have doesn’t seem to be moving. It doesn’t seem to want to let me get on with my day. At least, not until I’ve spoken to Olivia.
Olivia points towards a dirt track. “Up here…”
We’ve just said goodbye to Sally and Ed, and now we’re headed for a place Olivia spent time at with her mom. If I’m being honest, it’s the only reason I haven’t brought up her meeting with Nadia last night. She doesn’t need it right now. Not when she is approaching the memories she shared with her mom.
“Just a few more minutes.”
“Sure.” I smile.
Taking the steep hill, the midday sun beats down on us, my body begging me to take a rest. We’ve been walking for quite some time now, but I promised Olivia I’d do this with her and I don’t go back on my word. My promises, never broken.
“I received an email from Nadia.”
And there it is. Contact.
“Great.” I try to sound as nonchalant as possible. “Good for you.”
“She was her typical self.” Olivia beams. “The person I remember.”
“Awesome.” I breathe out.
“You’re going to love her.”
Oh, I’m not so sure about that.
Deciding to leave the conversation at that, I clear my throat and twist the cap from my water bottle. Stopping for a moment to take on some fluids, a sheen of sweat coats my forehead.
“You good?” My girlfriend glances back at me. “You wanna rest a while?”
“No, I’m good.” I close the distance between us. “As you were.”
“So, I said you’re going to love Nadia.”
“Mm, I heard.” I give Olivia a half smile as she glances my way. “Sounds amazing.”
“Okay, what does that even mean?” She stops dead in front of me and I almost crash into the back of her. “Is there something you need to say?”
“Me?” I play stupid. “No.”
“Really, because I’m getting the impression you have something on your mind.”
“Just…keep walking, Liv.”
“Fine.” She simply shrugs and takes off up the track.
I have every intention of talking this out with her but not right no
w. Not before we have done what she came here to do. I may be unsure and fearful of our relationship but I would never add to the sullen mood we’re about to step into. I don’t need to make her feel any worse than she probably already does.
“Okay, we’re here.”
Climbing the remainder of the hill, my eyes are met with the most breath-taking view they’ve ever witnessed. With nothing but ocean ahead of me, I feel as though I’m quite literally on top of the world. The crystal waters just pulling me in further. Deeper.
“Wow.” My mouth falls open. “This place is…wow.”
“Pretty incredible, huh?” Olivia’s arm wraps around my waist, pulling me into the side of her body. “I needed you to see it…”
“T-Thank you.”
Feeling overwhelmed by the view before me, I choose to remain silent. Even if I did attempt to speak, I’m not sure any words would actually leave my mouth. How do you say how you feel when you have such beauty in front of you? Beside you. All around you.
“Are you okay?” Olivia’s thumb suddenly swipes my jawline. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.” Huh?
“I-I.” My forehead creased, I smooth my fingertips over my cheek and I have, in fact, been crying. “Sorry, I don’t know what is wrong with me.”
“Don’t apologize. This is the reaction I was expecting.”
“Why?” I turn to face Olivia.
“I know how much you appreciate beauty, Mati.” She gives me a sad smile. “I know how much you love to sit and stare. Watch the world go by.”
“I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a place like this before.”
“And it was our secret.” A single tear slips down my girlfriend’s face. “You notice how there is nobody around for miles?”
“Yeah.” I take in the landscape. The quiet. The lack of human presence. “Amazing.”
“Nobody knew we used to visit here.” She says. “I mean, I’m sure people know it exists, but mom was under the impression that she found the view and it would be her secret forever. Mine, too.”
Where We Belong: Love Returns Page 17