by Ashley Erin
Nella walks into her kitchen to check the time on her stove. “It’s 6:00 p.m.” She sits next to me on the floor.
“Wow, I can’t believe I passed out for so long. Has he called?”
“Your phone was ringing, but it died shortly after. I don’t have an iPhone so I couldn’t charge it for you.” Her words are apologetic, but I wave them off.
“It’s better that it died. I just needed to be with my best friends.” She nods and I let out a relieved sigh. School doesn’t resume until Tuesday, but if the snow keeps up classes will be cancelled again and online lectures posted instead. This may be the one time I am grateful for this much snow to fall at once. It gives me time to collect myself and make it up to Lucas, if he still has any interest on staying on this rollercoaster of crazy.
“Oh man. I feel hungover. What’d you bitches slip me?” Kensi groans as she sits up, giving me a hug.
“Dax came by, he brought pizza and said he was borrowing your car. He told me to say exactly this, tell Nugget I am borrowing her car because it’s her birthday on the 25th and I need to get her present. When I get back, possibly tomorrow depending on the roads I will be collecting Andie and we are having a chat.” Nella’s imitation of Dax makes me giggle and I appreciate the distraction. “When were you going to tell me your birthday is coming up?” She scolds me.
“I didn’t think of it. Usually I don’t have so many people to celebrate with.”
Straightening my shoulders, I look at the ceiling and hope that still includes Lucas.
“What happened?” Kensi asks softly, grabbing my hand and holding it tightly.
“Last night I decided to sleep at home so I could focus on homework in the morning. Shortly after we said goodnight Lucas left until really early this morning. At first I was suspicious, but he hasn’t given me any reason to so I told myself off. When I knocked on the door a woman answered wearing his clothes.” Kensi curses and Nella gasps in shock. “I cussed out Lucas in his room until, much to my embarrassment, he told me she is his sister. In the heat of the moment, I didn’t put together the family resemblance and jumped to conclusions. I apologized and he hugged me, then I left and came here because I just can’t believe myself. How long is he going to deal with the craziness and distrust before he gets tired of it? I just keep thinking I’ve moved on and then something triggers me and as always, I overreact.”
Kensi stands and starts pacing. “Well, I mean it looked bad Andie. I can totally get why you reacted that way. I would have punched him and kneed him in the nuts and then turned on her and . . .”
“Kensi, let’s focus on what really matters.” Nella nods towards me. Kensi shakes her hands out and sits down again.
“Don’t even think about it Andie. I know you feel guilty because of what just happened, but I’m not going to let you. If Lucas can’t handle that you have a past and that you’ve been hurt, then he probably doesn’t deserve you. In fact, we should just be old spinsters together. Would probably have more fun anyways.” Kensi cracks a joke and we laugh. “In all honesty though, that guy is crazy about you and I’m sure everything is okay. He’s probably more worried about what’s going through your mind. You can be a little unpredictable.”
“I guess. Maybe you should just stick me in a padded room.”
“Nah, you’re not cray enough for that . . . yet.” Kensi winks at me. “I think junk food and comedies are in order. The rest of this can be sorted out tomorrow.” Smiling, I’m so grateful to have such amazing friends.
The ache in my heart makes it hard to breathe. The thought that there is even a slight possibility that Lucas won’t want to be with me anymore physically hurts, as though my heart is cracking and ready for all the pieces to explode into an unrecognizable mess.
The idea that I could be responsible for Lucas’ evacuation from my life is unbearable. I’ve let him in all the way and he has the ability to decimate me completely.
It’s been two days since I slept with the exception of a few hours yesterday morning before Ava arrived after her appointment. I understand why Andie left yesterday, I’m shocked she even stayed long enough for me to set her assumption straight. She didn’t text me later that night and I tossed and turned waiting for her to say everything is alright.
“Will you stop pacing? Everything is fine, she probably just needed some time.” Ava is calmly fixing Noah and I breakfast.
“Yeah, I think I know that. I just worry that the longer she stays away the more she will talk herself out of being with me because it’s not easy for her.” Sitting at the table, my stomach growls at the food Ava sets in front of me before unease makes the nausea resurface. Pushing away the food, I drop my head to the table with a thud. “Although I can’t say it’s been a picnic for me either.”
“That’s an understatement. At some point she needs to let you in. We all have issues, no single person has gone through life without some sort of hurt. She needs to deal with hers.” Ava’s voice fills with fierceness as her protective instinct sets in.
“I think Andie has very good reason to guard herself as much as she does. Yes, everyone has their own skeletons, some of us have less than others.” I’m not about to tell her Andie’s story, especially as Andie hasn’t told me most of it, but I don’t want Ava to think less of her because of this.
Ava nudges my plate back towards me and I start eating. As she is hanging up Noah’s coat someone knocks on the door and she opens it without thinking.
“I need to stop doing that . . .” Her voice trails off as she takes in the image of a furious Dax. I have never seen him mad and it is seriously terrifying. He stares at me for a moment before turning his piercing glare at Ava. He stumbles back at the sight of her and she looks over at me nervously.
“I just had one hell of a fucking day. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I loathe people sometimes.” Relief fills me as I realize he isn’t angry with me, I know how protective he is of Andie. Ava has edged behind me and is peeking at him wide eyed from behind my back. “Anyways it’s done with. I smelled something delicious and decided to invite myself over.”
“Dax, this is my sister Ava. Ava, this is Andie’s brother Dax. Ava cooked breakfast, so it’s guaranteed to be good.” They gaze at each other, Dax’s hazel eyes missing nothing as he reaches his hand out to grasp hers. He drops it almost immediately after, his eyes widening slightly.
“Help me unload Andie’s birthday gift and then I plan on devouring whatever that is.”
“It’s her fucking birthday?” My heart falls out of my chest, I thought we had made so much progress.
“No, it’s in two weeks, on the 25th.”
“Why wouldn’t she tell me?”
“She hates making a big deal out of her birthday so I always go out of my way to do the opposite.” He grins wickedly at me as I follow him down the stairs.
We get to Andie’s vehicle and he opens the back. The rear seats have been laid down to accommodate a large antique wooden trunk. Its condition is amazing and the large iron hinges finish off the look.
“She has always talked about getting one for her keepsakes, but she never felt she had any reason for one this big. I know you love her, I can see it. It’s your job to help her fill this trunk.”
Shoving the door to my apartment open, we carry it in and set it in the living room.
“What’s that?” Noah’s little voice breaks the silence. Ava watches carefully as Noah comes towards us and to both our shock looks to Dax for an answer.
Dax crouches down to Noah’s level, surprising both Ava and me. “That is a birthday present for my sister. It’s so she can keep things that are important to her.” Dax doesn’t talk to Noah like he is a baby, or like he doesn’t have a clue. Instead, he talks to him like he would anyone else. Noah’s eyes light up and he walks closer to Dax.
“Can I see?” Dax lifts the lid and Noah peeks in. He is totally relaxed as Noah fires more questions and he answers them patiently.
Noah reaches out and
takes Dax’s hand. “I’m four.” Walking over to Ava, we watch them for a bit in awe.
“Noah doesn’t normally like guys.” I inform Dax. He stands and walks over, Noah’s hand still enveloped in his.
He shrugs as though it’s not a big deal and maybe to him it isn’t, but when you’ve seen him freak out over being with his father you know just how big of a deal it is. “Now, where is that mouthwatering smell coming from?” Ava and I move to the couch and Dax sits on the floor leaning against the wall opposite us after filling a plate full of the breakfast casserole Ava made. Noah looks at his mom before moving to sit next to Dax, pulling a puzzle towards him and starting to play quietly.
“Oh, this is so good.” Dax groans as he shovels the food into his mouth, barely coming up for air. He sets the plate down with a sigh and starts to help Noah build the puzzle. He looks at me critically, noting the strain in my body. “Dude, relax. Everything will be fine.”
The snow has finally stopped and the moon is brightly reflected in the drifts covering the ground. Melancholy fills me as I gaze out the window, I know I need to see Lucas. Sighing, I turn away from the window and sit on the couch, curling under the blanket. My head falls onto the back of the couch, I just want to stay in this safe zone for a little longer.
Nella and Kensi come in laughing, carrying a bag with some of my clothes.
“Andie, it’s time to leave the house. Get dressed, we’re going out.” Kensi tosses me the bag.
Dropping the bag on the floor at my feet, I shake my head and silently refuse to move.
“Andie. I’m not taking no for an answer. I dare you to put on those clothes and come out with us.” She grins when I glare at her, giving her the finger.
“Fuck you. Fine, but don’t expect me to enjoy myself.”
“Why are we going on the hiking trails? You hate hiking.” As we start up the trail that leads to the waterfall, I slowly start dragging my heels.
“But you don’t. Why are you walking so slowly?” Kensi stops and points her flashlight at me.
“This is the trail I took with Lucas on our first hike.” I know it’s my fault I feel like this, I think I’m punishing myself for being such a bitch so much of the time. “So Nella. When do you move in with Kensi?”
“We’re going to wait until Christmas break.”
Chatting idly as we walk, soon we get to the path that leads to the waterfall. Someone has lined the trail with glass jars filled with tea light candles. The candles flicker softly in the night and as we admire them I’m grateful that it has warmed up compared to the past week.
“Let’s go check it out!” Kensi suggests. The excitement in her voice prevents me from protesting. Closing my eyes, I take some deep breaths. Everything that reminds me of Lucas makes my heart ache and my eyes burn, it’s time to stop putting off dealing with the consequences of my actions.
I slowly start making my way up the trail and too soon the trees thin into the open clearing around the waterfall. Tons of candles fill the area and in the center stands Lucas.
Looking behind me, Kensi and Nella are standing at the entrance to the trail smiling at me. Lifting a shaky hand, I rest my fingers on my lips and slowly walk over to him. My heart is beating fast and it feels right being with him again. He makes me want to try harder.
Lucas reaches for my hands, and expression of strength and determination on his face. “Lucas . . .” My voice is soft, repentant.
“This is probably going to take a while, will you sit with me?” He gestures to a blanket I didn’t notice and I nod before kneeling down, nervously fidgeting with the corner of the blanket.
Lowering my butt to my heels, I gnaw on my lower lip, watching Lucas carefully. Before I can say anything, he silently wraps his arms around me, holding me tightly. Tears start to fall silently down my cheeks.
“I’m sorry I reacted so rashly, assuming the worst of you when I should have known better. I’m so ashamed, I didn’t even give you a chance. You’re so patient with me, I don’t deserve it. One day, you’re going to have enough.” My words come out stilted through the cries, my hand resting on his cheek. “The thought of that day coming scares the shit out of me.”
“You’ve warned me you are a flight risk, I’d say we made progress. Besides, I can’t say I would have reacted any differently.” Lucas chuckles.
“No, you would never think that of me.” Burying my face into his neck, my tears finally ebb and I say softly, “This is quite the setting you have created. Why?” He laughs and squeezes me before lifting my chin to look at him.
“I figured we needed some fun after that and what better way than to come back here? Besides, I felt like giving you a romantic evening because Dax may have told me you were probably beating yourself up.”
“Damn him, he knows me so well.” Lucas laughs and brings his hands up to my face, holding it delicately.
“I’ve spent more time than I care to away from you.” With those words he lowers his lips to mine, kissing me deeply. In his kiss I feel everything he has been holding in since that day. His emotions run through me and I return his kiss just as passionately, trying to tell him how my heart is his without saying the words.
“I know that you are scared something is going to happen, something that will prove to you I’m going to let you down. I can’t lie and say I won’t make mistakes, but they will never be anything unforgiveable. I might say the wrong thing, or forget something maybe I shouldn’t, but I swear there is no one else. I swear I will never judge you for whatever has happened in your past. I also promise you that you’re not scaring me away.”
Lucas’s arms fall away from me and I start to protest until he pulls a small package from under a corner of the blanket. “Open it.”
Lifting the lid and peeling back the tissue paper, a picture frame with three photos lays facing me. The one of us after snow shoeing and two I’ve never seen before of me looking at the waterfall. “Wow. I didn’t know you took those pictures. I love them all, thank you.”
Leaning into him, I kiss him gently before returning my gaze to the photos.
Despite the cold, we lay on the blanket, wrapped in each other’s arms. Staring at the stars in the clear sky, the heat of our breath creating clouds in the candlelight.
“Lucas, I want to tell you something. It’s not easy for me to talk about, but I want to be completely open with you.” Holding my breath, part of me hopes I will hear the words I want to say more than anything, but am too scared to.
Instead she finally opens up about her childhood and what her father has done. Listening intently, I realize that I’m not getting the short version she gave Nella, I’m getting the full disclosure. She talks about how happy she was as a child before the abuse was no longer hidden, when her father first started hitting her and when he cut her. She lifts the hem of her shirt and I look at the scar with new eyes, kissing it softly as she continues to tell me about moving frequently so her father couldn’t find them and the constant threat. As she finishes with what Dax told her about his suspicions she waits for my reaction.
“I know.” The words spew from my mouth before I can stop them. She pulls away slightly, shock filling her face.
“How?”
“Please don’t be mad, but when you told Nella in the locker room, I overheard. I had been coming to check on you and instead of leaving like I should have, I listened until Dax pulled me away. I’m so sorry for invading your privacy like that.” Instead of tensing up and closing off like I’m bracing for, she leans in and kisses me.
“It’s okay. I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same.” I roll on top of her, kissing all over her face until she is squealing at me.
“Thank you for not being mad. Now, it’s freezing and I want to wrap you in my arms and fall asleep. I haven’t slept since Sunday morning.” A look of chagrin crosses her face and I kiss it off. “Moving past this whole ordeal. Come on, let’s go.” Standing, I help her up and start walking towards the trail.
“
Shouldn’t we clean up?”
“That’s covered. Let’s go.” She slides her hand in mine and we walk to our building together.
Lips tease the skin on my shoulder, hands run through my hair and Andie’s voice pulls me out of a deep sleep as she wakes me up. Moaning, I try to open my eyes, but it’s the best sleep I’ve had in days and they refuse. Andie chuckles softly and my morning hard on jolts in response, growing even thicker.
Hot breath on my cock, a tongue stroking from the base to the tip causes my eyes to pop open. Andie takes me entirely into her mouth, sucking and licking me. Hands fisting the sheets, my hips move with a mind of their own. Andie’s tongue teases my tip before she goes down hard and sucks until I can feel my balls tightening and my orgasm coursing through my body. She kisses up my body to my lips, thrusting her tongue into my mouth. Pulling away, she smiles at me and goes to crawl out of bed.
“Oh no you don’t. We’re not done!” Reaching for her, I throw myself on top of her.
“Ava, I know you want to meet Andie, but we finally sorted things out.” Andie left a few hours ago to go and get some homework done, but she is coming back for dinner and a movie.
“Come on! Things are fine and I hate that the only time I met your girlfriend was under the circumstances that we did.” She pleads with me until I finally give in. Tossing the phone onto the couch after we hang up and I head over to tell Andie there will be two more for dinner.
Dax answers and points to Andie’s room as he yells at some guy over Xbox Live. Shaking my head laughing, I peek into Andie’s open door. She is lying on her stomach, chewing on her pen cap as she flips the page of her textbook. Her brow is furrowed and her brown hair is in a messy knot on top of her head.
Quietly, I sneak up behind her and cover her eyes with my hands. Her body tenses and she freezes, while her breaths become shallow and hurried. Pulling my hands away, I kneel on the floor and lean in to kiss her.