PUBLIC SERVICE PROGRAM
Every evening at seven-thirty, citizens and consumers get a chance to sound off and air their complaints. Don’t miss Blow It Out Your Ass!, with consumer ombudsman Susan Dorkalot. If you have a complaint to register, be sure you call in, talk to Susan, explain your grievances and complaints and then listen carefully as she bellows, “Blow It Out Your Ass!” (Con games, larceny, gullibility, anger, hostility)
FINANCIAL NEWS
Every evening at six o’clock, catch the Wall Street buzz on Money Talks, Shit Walks. Tonight, Ron Insana interviews Windfall Profitz III, one more worthless cocksucker who makes his living on Wall Street. Don’t be left behind in the fast-changing world of business and finance. Keep up-to-date by watching Money Talks, Shit Walks, brought to you by Pennington-Craymore: Wall Street scumbags since 1869. (Greed, envy, arrogance, predatory males)
OLD-TIME COMEDY FAVORITES
Comedy rules the house on Wednesday night with four of your all-time favorites in a row. First, on Mork and Mindy, Mork is caught performing cunnilingus on a gumball machine. The fun begins and the gumballs fly when Mindy tries to work Mork’s tongue loose, gets sexually aroused and has her first quintuple orgasm. (Gum-chewing, moaning, Lord’s name taken in vain)
Then, on All in the Family, Archie Bunker kills a nigger, blames it on a spic and two chinks and hires a yid lawyer to bribe the judge. Don’t miss the laughs as two guineas beat the shit out of Archie just for the fun of it. Meanwhile, police arrest Michael for pimping out Gloria to Louise Jefferson for a mixed-race, dyke gangbang in the back of George’s dry cleaners. (Racism, bigotry, vaginal bruising)
After that, on I Love Lucy, Ricky pays Ethel twenty dollars for a quick hand job in the broom closet, but things get really hilarious when Fred is caught placing a kosher knockwurst in Lucy’s asshole. Things get worse when Ricky’s nightclub show is canceled as twelve members of the band come down with anal warts and have to play standing up. (Nudity, sex, sphincter jokes, bogus Latin music)
Our quartet of madcap sitcoms concludes with Leave It to Beaver, as Beaver and Wally fall out of a maple tree while masturbating each other. Imagine everyone’s surprise when they land smack on top of a flustered June Cleaver, who is giving Eddie Haskell a blow job under the tree. (Pee-pee jokes)
FRONTIER NOSTALGIA
Next week, back to back on Nostalgia Theater, you’ll see two of America’s favorite episodes of Little House on the Prairie. First, the 1975 Christmas show, “A Douche Bag for Clara.” Little Clara comes of age and asks Santa for her own douche bag. At first it looks like a disaster when, out of inexperience, she sticks it in the wrong hole. But Luke, the disturbed neighbor boy, saves the day when he distracts everyone by removing his dog’s vital organs with a stick. Clara later learns to douche properly after several long sessions with old Doc Flathammer.
Then, you’ll see just about everyone’s favorite Little House on the Prairie, the hilarious “Missy Takes a Dump in the Woods,” as our young heroine answers nature’s call while wearing high heels and a long dress. Watch her as she tries to maneuver through bramble bushes and poison sumac. Then, too late, she finds out there’s no toilet paper and has to wipe herself with several pine cones. The fun (and the screaming) begins when she unknowingly pulls the cones in the wrong direction. (Partial nudity, douche lessons, unpleasant language)
DUELING TALK SHOWS
Since last month Oprah had a special show, “Women Who Fake Orgasms,” this month, not to be outdone, Jerry Springer is presenting a nighttime special, “Men Who Fake Bowel Movements.” (Graphic video, foul odors)
DR. PHIL
In a special program, Dr. Phil welcomes famed psychic medium John Edwards to the show and they try to contact dead whores. Then, in a special pre-taped segment, Dr. Phil cures a woman’s fear of flying by throwing her out of an airplane. (Limited intellects)
EVEN MORE TALK
Two fascinating glimpses into the medical world as Montel Williams investigates “Doctors Who Intentionally Give Patients the Siff” and Maury Povich interviews “Twins Who Eat Each Other’s Feces.” (Indigestion)
DOCUMENTARY
Award-winning documentary maker Ken Burns continues his penetrating look at America’s history as he takes on a three-part study, The Great Cabbage-Fart Panic of 1860. The disaster, which lasted an entire summer, took the lives of thirty-five hundred people, mostly from lung diseases. The special sound effects heard required the services of over three-hundred Milwaukee men who were fed only beer and cabbage for seven weeks. Fourteen stuntmen died during the re-creations.
MUSIC SPECIAL
Then, Friday at midnight, don’t miss Willie Nelson’s pay-per-view concert, Wankin’ with Willie. Willie kicks off the festivities in great fashion as he gets right into one of his all-time best sellers, “Too Drunk to Jerk Off.”
Then he introduces his guest star, Loretta Lynn, who sings her big hit “Your Love Ran Down My Leg and Now You’re Gone.” Willie then joins her onstage and they warble a pair of romantic love songs: “Kiss Me I’m Coming” and “You Blew My Mind, Now Blow Me.” The pair’s tandem segment concludes as Willie serenades Loretta with his special new arrangement of “We Kissed and My Balls Exploded.”
Willie then takes the solo spotlight again with his familiar country lament, “I Shoulda Fucked Old What’s-Her-Name.”
And what would a Willie Nelson show be without a good ol’ cowboy song? This time he honors the late Roy Rogers and does an authentic western ballad written by Roy called “It’s Midnight in Montana and I Can’t Get My Dick Outta This Cow.” Home-movie footage of the original incident, taken by Roy’s beloved wife, Dale Evans, adds to the song’s authenticity. His faithful horse Trigger is seen off to the side brandishing a huge hard-on.
The whole shebang then ends with more vintage video, this time from Willie’s first special. Two of Willie’s great buddies, Johnny Cash and Waylon Jennings, both now gone to that big corral in the sky, are seen with Willie as they all deliver a rousing version of that definitive honky-tonk anthem, “Drinkin’ Beer, Takin’ a Shit, and Passin’ Out.”
As the closing credits roll and his band plays “God Bless America,” Willie is seen smoking a big joint rolled in American flag paper.
CONCERNED PARENTS
DAD: How was Debbie’s checkup?
MOM: The dentist was very pleased. Only six extractions this time.
DAD: Great.
MOM: Plus she needs a jawbone graft and twelve implants.
DAD: Must be that new gel toothpaste we’ve been using.
MOM: Yes! Patented new Choppersheen! Removes unwanted pulp, enamel and bone.
DAD: Choppersheen. Now in refreshing mint!
MEMO TO SELF
Here’s a piece of graffiti I saw scrawled in black marking pen on one of those newspaper dispensers you see on New York sidewalks. It said, “Rosie O’Donnell sleeps with her head between a woman’s legs.” I couldn’t help wondering who had written it, and under what circumstances.
I wondered, had someone simply awakened that morning and decided the time had come to share this little tidbit he’d been thinking about for a long time? And had he gone out that day determined to find a good place to write it? And this seemed like the best spot? Was it that simple?
Or was the person just out walking around and had this sudden burst of inspiration—something he didn’t want to forget—but didn’t have a piece of paper handy? And why didn’t he take the newspaper dispenser home with him to refer to later?
And I also wondered, if that was it, what kind of person was walking around with one of those thick, felt-tip marking pens in his pocket in the first place? This wasn’t no Sharpie, folks, this was one of those serious, thick, chisel-tip pens that gets you high if you leave it open too long.
It’s thoughts of this sort that seriously limit the size of my circle of friends.
ANSWER THIS, YOU PRICK
(Drum roll)
ANNOUNCER: Good evening, ladies and ge
ntlemen, this is your announcer, Dondelayo Prell. Join us now as we play America’s favorite game, Answer This, You Prick! The show where folks just like you, although, perhaps, less attractive, have a chance to win fabulous prizes. And now here’s America’s favorite prick, Anthony Boff.
(Applause, cymbal crash)
BOFF: Hi, folks. I’m your genial host, Anthony Boff. Our jackpot today is one hundred and eleven dollars, plus a trip up north. Let’s meet our first two contestants, Clark Fark and Dolly Drelman. What do you do, Clark?
FARK: I pretty much just sit around, Anthony.
BOFF: Swell. What about you, Dolly?
DOLLY: No sitting around for me, Mr. Boff. I stand near the window.
BOFF: All day?
DOLLY: Except for meals. Unless I’m fasting.
BOFF: Well, you sound like interesting people. Let’s get right to our game. Just before airtime, a short backstage shoving match determined that Clark would get the first question. So here it is. Are you ready, Clark?
FARK: Ready as a bastard, Mr. Boff.
BOFF: Okay. Remember, the category is “People.” Now then, Clark Fark, as America watches, please . . . answer this, you prick!
(Sound of a clock ticking)
Damon and Sylvia Prongster live in Thighmaster, Maine, on the corner of Watkins and Schermerhorn. Last Tuesday, at six in the evening, a brown Chevrolet drove past their house. What was the name of the last mechanic to change the oil on that car, and what was the name of his grandfather’s first-grade teacher? You have three seconds.
(Music and ticking)
FARK: Jason Warburton and Mrs. Amelia Day Higgins.
BOFF: Oh, I’m awfully sorry, Clark. Your answer is incorrect. The correct answer is Dudley Manoosh and Clara Wheatley.
FARK: Well, I just took a wild guess.
DOLLY: I knew that answer.
BOFF: Not fuckin’ likely, Dolly.
FARK: I agree, Mr. Boff. I think she’s full of shit.
BOFF: Clark, I’m awfully sorry you did such a poor job. I see your family in our audience and they look ashamed. But you do win a roll of quarters and the home version of teacher-approved Answer This, You Prick! Play it with your kids. And we’ll add a dollar to our jackpot, bringing our total to one hundred and twelve dollars. It’s too late for us to get to Dolly Drelman, but that’s just too bad for her.
Don’t forget to join us again in June or May to play Answer This, You Prick! when one of our main questions will be “Who was the first person to strangle someone he had known for more than six years?” Goodnight, everybody.
ANNOUNCER: Guests on Answer This, You Prick! receive a framed picture of Henry Kissinger and stay at the luxurious Hotel for the Malformed in downtown Watsonville. Watsonville: the last place you wanna be.
(Music, applause up and out)
THREE SHORT CONVERSATIONS
BLESS ME, FATHER
PENITENT: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Yesterday, I killed my third priest in a month. The first time it scared me. The second time I had no feelings at all. The third time . . . I actually began to like it.
PRIEST: I’m not really a priest, son. I’m just cleaning the confessional.
THANKSGIVING, IN THE KITCHEN
BART: You look great in that dress, Marian. Really sexy. I was thinkin’, if, God forbid, something ever happened to Joe and Estelle, I’d sure like to spend some time with you.
MARIAN: I feel the same way about you, Bart.
BART: Really? Look, maybe we wouldn’t have to wait for something to happen to Joe and Estelle. Whaddya think?
WALK/DON’T WALK
JOEY: I heard Phil Hanley died. What happened?
SID: It’s the strangest thing. He was walkin’ down Fifth Avenue on his way to Times Square. He took a right at Forty-second Street and headed over to Broadway. He was just strollin’ along, mindin’ his own business, when suddenly a big chunk of concrete fell on him and crushed him to death.
JOEY: Jesus! What a way to go!
SID: I know. I woulda taken a right at Fiftieth Street, gone over to Broadway and then headed down to Times Square.
UNCLE LOCHINVAR
Uncle Lochinvar, although a moral vegetarian who only ate meat if the animal had died in its sleep, once punched out his twin daughters because they wouldn’t lend him fifteen cents. He could speak seven languages, but unfortunately, he was disliked in all those countries. His hobby was visiting cemeteries in poor areas and guessing which people had the worst lives. He fell in love with a fish dentist named Chiquita, and a week later she died from using infected toilet paper while watching a TV show called Progress in Medicine. Inconsolable, Lochinvar, after composing his own epitaph, “Believe me, I wasn’t a schmuck,” died as part of a group-enema suicide pact.
UNCLE SHERLOCK
Uncle Sherlock was a proctologist’s mate in the navy who fought in Korea and the Philippines. Unfortunately, it was just last year and he was jailed in both countries. He was the only man ever brought before the World Court for unpaid parking tickets. His personal checks did not depict nature scenes, they showed animal euthanasia and the Allied fire-bombing of Dresden. During a bungee jump, he fell in love with a Dutch courtroom artist and they were married in a windmill the next day, during a relative calm. They drifted apart when he realized that all she wanted to do was sit for hours and listen to skiing on the radio. Later he moved to Milan and was killed when a riot broke out at the La Scala candy counter during the second act of Rigoletto.
UNCLE DAGWOOD
Uncle Dagwood was a fun guy. He once claimed the most difficult thing he ever did was to take a shit in a phone booth without removing his overcoat. He met his wife, Spatula, at a UFO convention where she was conducting a basketball clinic for abductees. The instant they met, Dagwood knew she was his kind of woman: She had peach preserves in her hair and brown gravy caked on her neck. Spatula worked for years as an unregistered nurse and eventually ran off with an ironmonger. She and her new lover, Rolf, died in a blimp fire over Newfoundland, and Dagwood was killed in a Barcalounger, having rough sex with a Norwegian fisherman.
UNCLE LUCIFER
Uncle Lucifer was my most interesting uncle. He was an elk hunter, but he wouldn’t kill the elk. Instead, he would chase it down, knock it to the ground and suck all the gristle out of its neck through a Donald Duck straw. He was fun to be with; he could eat a whole bowl of alphabet soup and then vomit up the vowels and consonants separately. His hobby was attending reunions of groups he never belonged to and pretending to be people who were long dead. Till the end of his days, Lucifer remained bitter that when he was a boy there had been no seedless red grapes. He died in an Indiana furniture outlet when he was torn to pieces by a pack of Cape hunting dogs.
CHILD CARE TIP
Never use a hammer to smooth out the lumps on a newborn baby’s head. Instead, wrap a soft, clean cloth around a ten-inch length of wood and pound each lump repeatedly until the larger ones are gone and the area is smooth. Follow up by rubbing vigorously with a wire brush. Remember, never use a hammer on a child of any age, especially an infant.
NEWS REPORT: THE DEATH OF HUMPTY DUMPTY
ANCHORMAN: From the Nursery Newsroom, this is Keith Blanchgetter. A mystery on the West Side today with the apparent death of the beloved Humpty Dumpty. We begin our Action Central News team coverage tonight with Joanie Wong at the scene of the tragedy.
WONG: Thank you, Dan. Well, it’s true, Humpty Dumpty is dead. The cause of death was apparently a great fall from this wall behind me.
ANCHORMAN: Joanie, what’s the scene like out there right now?
WONG: Well, as you can see, police have taped off the area and are treating it as a crime scene, and no one seems to know why. According to one eyewitness, all the king’s horses and all the king’s men tried to put Humpty Dumpty back together again, but were unable to do so. We have with us now one of the king’s men. What is your name, sir?
KING’S MAN: Dooley. Kevin Dooley.
WONG:
And you’re one of the king’s men?
KING’S MAN: That’s right. I’ve been one of the king’s men for seventeen years.
WONG: And were you the first on the scene?
KING’S MAN: That is correct. My partner and I responded to a 10-43. That’s an egg-on-a-wall.
WONG: Egg on a wall?
When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? Page 17