by Janice Lynn
His phone buzzed in his pocket and, grateful for the reprieve, he glanced at his smart watch to see who the message was from.
His lawyer.
It was a Saturday. If Mary was texting there must be news on Kyle’s mother.
Heart thundering, Justin swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. Would today be the day his life changed forever? If it did, what was Riley going to think about that change?
She knew how he felt about the boys, but he’d never told her he planned to adopt Kyle. She’d already said she didn’t want marriage and children. He could live without marriage so long as they were committed to each other. But no children...
His heart ached at the thought.
No children wasn’t a possibility for him. His whole life he’d planned to have kids—to adopt, to foster. Soon, hopefully, he’d be a father.
It was something that scared him, but it was a challenge he’d gladly face. He had a lot to learn, but if Kyle’s mother signed the papers and the courts granted him custody Justin would do right by the kid. He’d love him and raise him to the best of his abilities. Just as his parents had adopted, loved, and raised him.
Which meant putting Kyle first—above his own needs.
But where did that leave his relationship with Riley? She didn’t want children, but did that mean she wouldn’t want him to have them either?
If not, did that mean it was time to let go?
If so, how exactly did he do that, when letting go was the last thing he wanted?
CHAPTER TEN
“WHAT ARE MY odds of success?”
Justin clenched his cellphone in his sweaty hand, waiting anxiously for his lawyer’s response. He’d snuck away from the group as soon as he could to call Mary back.
On her way to prison, Kyle’s mother had signed away her rights rather than leave the boy dangling in court custody indefinitely. Kyle was adoptable. Mary had already drawn up the papers and had them ready to go, so they could move quickly to make Kyle his.
Justin had always planned to adopt one of the Wilderness Group, to make one of the boys his permanently. Kyle had always reached out to him more than the others, had always seemed a bit different. That he would be Justin’s seemed like fate.
“You have a great shot. Not as good as if you were married and bringing a two-parent household to the table,” his lawyer warned him. “But as you’ve been involved in Kyle’s life for several years and are financially solvent, and you have letters of recommendation from Kyle’s current foster parents, and you’re an upstanding member of society, the judge should grant your petition.”
“When will we know something for sure?”
“Kyle’s mother just signed the papers yesterday. These things don’t always move quickly.”
After as long as he’d been involved with the boys, Justin knew she was right—but he wanted answers. Wanted to know whether or not to tell Riley that Kyle’s mother had signed her rights away and he planned to adopt him.
She’d told him she didn’t want kids. If he adopted Kyle did that mean she’d not want to continue their relationship?
But she adored Kyle. He couldn’t imagine her walking away. He didn’t want to imagine her doing so.
“I’ll call when I know more, but I thought you’d want to know she signed the papers and I filed your petition late yesterday afternoon. I didn’t have a chance to update you then. We’ll have more answers soon.”
“Thanks.”
“Good luck, Justin. I know how much this means to you.”
Yeah, adopting had been his goal even before becoming an orthopedic surgeon had.
Justin hung up the phone, thought about pulling Riley aside now, because he’d really like to tell her everything, to share all the things he was feeling, all the what ifs, but thought better of it.
Maybe he would have, had they not just had the discussion they’d had, but not now. He was going to have a difficult enough time pretending that everything was fine for the rest of the afternoon without Riley also pretending. Not that he didn’t want to shout to the world that Kyle might be his soon, but he didn’t want to get Kyle’s hopes up in case the judge decided against him.
If the adoption went through, his life would undergo major changes. Changes such as him needing to find a house with a yard for Kyle to play in, needing to make sure that wherever he moved was zoned for a good school system, making sure that when he signed on to be the boy’s father he took that commitment seriously and put Kyle first.
Yeah, between Riley’s declaration and his lawyer’s call, Justin’s focus would be shot for the rest of the afternoon. Good thing all they had left to do was the Flight Adventure and simulator. After that, the boys should all have rides home and he’d go and run to clear his head—because everything was a jumbled-up mess.
Or maybe it was just where Riley was concerned that he’d made a mess of things...by wanting what she’d said from the beginning that she didn’t.
* * *
Riley pasted on a smile when Justin rejoined their group. They’d been having such a lovely time that she hated how things had gone downhill—hated even more how nervous she felt when she glanced toward him now.
“Sorry,” he murmured, getting in line beside her as a museum worker talked to the group about aviation, then let each boy take a turn pretending to fly a plane in the cockpit that had been built into the side of the building, to give the kids a lookout over Columbia during their “flight.”
Riley had never been in a plane. She’d never had reason to, so she was as fascinated as the boys. Or would have been had she been able to keep her eyes off Justin.
He’d pulled his phone out again, checking to see if he had any new messages.
“Everything okay?” she asked.
He turned toward her but didn’t meet her eyes. “Fine.”
“Was that the hospital earlier?”
“The hospital?”
Whoever it had been, the call had had his eyes darkening.
“No. Why?”
“You seem distracted. I wondered if something was up with a patient.”
“No. Everything’s fine as far as I know.”
“Good.”
Only, everything was not fine, because he’d gone from lots of PDA to barely acknowledging that she existed.
Then again, it might not have anything to do with the text and everything to do with the conversation they’d been having.
Justin was great with kids—obviously he wanted children. At some point he’d have to move on in order to have those things. Maybe it wasn’t fair of her to hang onto their relationship knowing she didn’t want them.
Why had she given in to her desire to spend time with him? Let him become a part of her daily life to the point where she couldn’t imagine a single day without him in it?
Her heart hurt at the thought that soon she wouldn’t need to imagine it. Because Justin was going to leave.And soon.
She felt it with every bit of her being.
Felt it and needed to brace herself for it.
He was tense the rest of the afternoon. He had been since his off-the-wall comment, but whoever had texted him had totally pulled him out of the game. And not just with her, but the boys, too.
He said all the right things, smiled at all the right times, but his eyes were far away, as was his mind.
At last, Riley hugged the boys goodbye, got into Justin’s Jeep, and was grateful the wind made it difficult to talk, because that at least gave them a reason for silence.
When he pulled into her driveway she turned to him, searching for something to say that would erase whatever had changed between them.
“Thanks for going with us today,” he said.
At least he was talking to her. “You’re welcome. Thanks for inviting me.”
Ugh. They sounded awkward�
��like two strangers forced into each other’s proximity.
“Did you bring clothes to change into for our run?” she asked.
They’d planned to go to the park and get in a few miles, then head back to her place to clean up and go to dinner.
Justin grimaced, then shook his head. “Something’s come up. I’m going to take a rain check on our run and our dinner plans.”
He was canceling their plans.
Justin was canceling their plans.
And just like that she knew the end had started.
She nodded as if she understood, and reached for the door handle. She did understand.
She didn’t lean over to kiss him goodbye and he didn’t seem to notice—or didn’t care if he did.
Her feet felt like lead as she trudged toward her house from the driveway. As if with each step she was giving into gravity more and more, becoming heavier and heavier.
Why couldn’t she get the sick feeling of impending doom out of her stomach? It was one she recognized, having felt it before and ignored it then. Could she afford to do so now?
But that night, as she lay in her hammock, breathing the eucalyptus-laden air deep into her lungs, wishing she had her necklace to draw strength from, every instinct told her she should worry. The same instinct that she’d ignored prior to her wedding day. Look where that had gotten her... Jilted at the altar.
Why wasn’t she picking up her phone and calling Justin? Demanding he tell her what was going on? Better yet, why were tears rolling down her cheeks?
Because she was a fool and she had let him get too close.
She needed to rectify that immediately.
* * *
Riley had tossed and turned most of the night, struggled with dragging her butt out of bed that morning to head to work, and then been disappointed that Justin hadn’t been on the schedule in the OR.
Disappointed or relieved? Because as long as she didn’t see him she didn’t have to deal with their changed relationship status.
Why hadn’t he called or texted?
Then again, she’d not called or texted him, either.
She could have reached out to him but had instead waited to see what he’d do.
Why?
Because she didn’t want to seem desperate to have his attention.
Because he’d made her uncomfortable with his questions about kids.
Because he’d been so distracted by whoever had texted him.
Because she knew he was leaving, and the sooner she accepted it, the sooner she quit wondering, the sooner she could start getting past the heartbreak that was about to rain down on her.
The day crept slowly by, but she made it—never feeling so happy to clock out, go home, shower, and take Daisy for a run.
She ran further than her usual distance, needing to push her body in hopes of clearing her mind. It didn’t work, so after returning home she went to her other active therapy—yard work.
She was in the backyard, pulling weeds while Daisy inspected the fence line, when Justin arrived at her house.
“I missed you,” he said.
He was there. She was glad he was there. But he shouldn’t be. She needed to not get sucked back into those baby blues.
“Daisy, shush,” she told the dog, who was yapping at Justin.
Daisy ignored her and kept on barking—wanting Justin to say something to her or to pet her, most likely.
She turned toward this man she was glad to see, but who looking at hurt. Hurt because she felt the tides pulling them apart. And as much as she needed to let go, she desperately wanted to cling.
When Justin stooped to pet Daisy she realized his eyes appeared tired, his face strained—and, despite his words that he’d missed her, he’d stopped just inside the gate rather than come over to her for a welcome kiss.
Did he think she was going to tackle him and lick him crazily, as Daisy was now doing?
“I missed you, too,” she admitted, wiping her hands over her shorts and immediately regretting it.
He was clean and crisp in his light blue shirt and khakis, but she was a far cry from it. Other than grabbing a drink, she’d gone straight out to start gardening. She rarely wore gloves while digging around in her flowerbeds, as she preferred the feel of earth against her skin. No doubt dirt streaked her clothes.
“Where were you?” As the question slipped from her mouth she regretted the accusatory tone she heard.
Yes, she’d spent the past twenty-four hours tormenting herself with doubts, but taking that out on him wasn’t fair and nor was it what she wanted to do.
“I left the office early and had dinner with my family.”
Justin went to his parents every week or so for a meal, usually on the alternate weekend from when he did something with the Wilderness Group. He’d asked her to go several times in the past, but she never had. She usually spent the time catching up on her laundry and housework.
Why had he taken off work early to go today? Had it been a special occasion?
“That’s nice. You had a good visit?” She purposely made her tone as pleasant as she could, when her nerve-endings felt as if they’d been scraped with sandpaper.
Justin bent to pet Daisy at last, calming the dog’s yapping and eliciting a happy panting. “It was a nice visit.”
Ugh. Was she jealous of her dog? It wasn’t like she wanted to roll on her back and have him scratch her belly.
Well, no, but...
“My parents are doing well. My sister stopped by with her kids.”
He did some more of his looking at Daisy rather than her. Made more small talk.
Looking down at her dirty fingernails, she kept up the awkward trend with a pleasant, “That’s good.”
“Spending time with family is good.” Now his voice was coated with accusation.
She ignored his jab and went on the offensive. “Why didn’t you call me?”
“I didn’t think you’d want to come,” he parried, looking up from where he knelt with Daisy. “You never have in the past.”
Riley frowned at his comment, but also at the distance between them. Why was he so far away? Why had he stopped at the gate? Usually he couldn’t wait to take her into his arms for a hello kiss when he arrived.
But usually they hadn’t disagreed over kids and he hadn’t gotten a text message, then shut her out.
“A guy gets tired of hearing no after a while,” he added.
Riley flinched. She didn’t tell him no often—and never with sex. Just with his attempts to put them into a more traditional relationship box.
Picking up Daisy, he straightened, stroking the dog’s fluffy white fur as he said, “Dinner with family usually means a relationship is moving toward certain things. Things that you claim not to want. You’ve made it clear you don’t want them.”
Oh, yeah, there was accusation in his tone. Loads of it. And despite his calm petting of Daisy, tension emanated from him.
Riley’s knees liquefied, and all she could manage was a muffled, “Oh...”
Moving closer to her, his expression somber, he asked, “That is still what you want, Riley?” His narrowed gaze pinned her. “Or, more aptly, don’t want?”
Feeling a bit woozy, she said, “I—You mean, marriage?”
His eyes not wavering away from hers, he nodded.
What was this? Riley wondered. Was Justin telling her he wanted marriage with her? Or was this his way of pushing her away?
Which didn’t make sense.
He’d come to her house, not the other way around.
But there was something antagonistic about him that she’d never seen before—something dark and stormy, brewing just beneath the surface.
“I... I enjoy our relationship,” she admitted. “But I’ve not changed my mind about marriage.”
Just the thought of saying she’d even consider marriage had her stomach twisting. No way did she want to risk feeling again that horrible feeling she’d had when she’d been at her wedding venue alone, when she’d had to tell her guests that Johnny hadn’t shown, when she’d had to pretend everything was okay when it hadn’t been okay, when she hadn’t been okay, and then walk away with her head held high even though she’d felt lower than low.
No, she wouldn’t be risking that kind of rejection and heartache again.
Taking a step back, Riley inhaled deeply and ordered herself not to let thoughts of Johnny invade a moment when she already felt defensive.
“Where is this coming from?” she asked. “What happened at the museum yesterday? Did your family say something? I feel as if you’re wanting to fight with me.”
“I don’t want to fight—not with you or anyone—and of course my family didn’t say anything. They’ve never met you. Why would they say something?”
His tone said that it was a problem they hadn’t met her. Had he wanted her to meet them? He had asked her multiple times in the past, but he’d never acted as if it were a big deal when she said no. The thought of going had practically had her breaking out into hives.
“Why are you so against having children?” he asked.
Eyeing the way he held her dog, stroking Daisy’s fur almost methodically, Riley winced. “What relevance does that have to anything? You’ve known from the beginning how I feel. Why are you making it a big deal now? If you want to break things off, then just do it.”
Oh, heavens. Had she really just told Justin to break things off with her? Her heart slapped her for saying such a stupid thing. Logic told her to brace herself for his answer.
Because he’d not come to her house to make things right. He’d come to fight.
But Riley didn’t want to fight. She wanted—Justin.
“I’m going to be a dad.”
The earth stopped spinning and Riley’s body jerked from the force of it.
“What?”
Putting Daisy on the ground, he walked over to the eucalyptus tree and placed his palm against the bark, as if to gain some magical power to continue their conversation.