by Paige Toon
‘Oh yeah,’ she replies flippantly, leading me out of the room. I jog down the stairs after her. Johnny is sitting cross-legged on the carpet, carefully studying a small car.
‘Can you fix it?’ Barney asks him.
‘Hold on a sec, buddy,’ Johnny replies in a quiet voice, concentrating on the task. He glances up when we reach the bottom of the stairs, and when he smiles at me my heart flutters in a strange way. But then he looks away again, back at Barney and the car in his hands, and I feel strangely bereft. I wonder what it would have been like if he’d been there for me at that age, fixing my broken toys.
Meg presses on with the tour before I have time to dwell on that thought. She takes me back underneath the stairs and I see another row of doors, which are directly below the bedrooms. I didn’t notice them on my way to the kitchen.
‘Study,’ she says, revealing a large room with two big desks. ‘Johnny’s PA comes in most days.’
‘Is that what you used to do?’ I hope she doesn’t mind me asking.
‘Yeah,’ she replies with a jokey roll of her eyes. ‘But unlike Annie, I lived here and pretty much worked twenty-four seven.’ She laughs. ‘In fact I still live here, and pretty much work twenty-four seven.’
She goes out of the room and opens the next door. Five rows of six comfy-looking red velvet seats steep slightly upwards away from a large screen at the front. ‘Cinema,’ she says.
‘Whoa.’
‘Just let me know if there’s anything you want to watch and I’ll show you how to work it. We even have a popcorn machine,’ she adds with a conspiratorial wink.
The next room is the gym, a large space packed full of shiny equipment with a view out to the front of the garden. Flatscreen TVs line the right-hand wall and Meg tells me that a sauna and a shower room are in rooms off to the left.
‘It’s such an incredible house,’ I reply, utterly bowled over as we walk back to the living room. ‘I’ve never been anywhere like this before in my life.’
She smiles. ‘What would you like to do now?’ She glances at Johnny and then back at me. ‘I’ll put dinner on in a bit. I hope you like pizza?’
‘Yeah, of course.’
‘Great.’ She shifts on her feet. ‘Well, would you like to go and freshen up?’
‘Erm, OK. Sure.’
She smiles, and it seems almost like it’s with relief. As I climb the stairs it occurs to me that maybe they don’t know what to do with me.
At the top of the landing, I glance down in time to see Johnny take Meg’s face in his hands and kiss her forehead. She looks up at me and, as we lock eyes, she looks momentarily guilty. She steps away from Johnny and I hear her tell him she’ll go and turn the oven on. By then I’ve reached my room.
I go inside and shut the door behind me, then exhale loudly. I didn’t realise I’d been holding my breath.
My head is spinning. I can’t believe it. I can’t believe any of it. I’m in Johnny Jefferson’s house – and Johnny Jefferson is my dad. This is so strange, so surreal.
The feeling stays with me as I go to turn on the shower and open up the cupboard under the basin, pulling out some luxury shower cream. I hope I’ll get a chance to talk to Johnny properly, tonight. I want to know what he’s like, what he’s really like. I want to know my dad, not his rock star persona. I just hope that he also wants to get to know me.
All too soon I’ll be back at home, back in my tiny bedroom, back in my little house with its shabby front garden, back to the reality of living and breathing every hour of life without my mum. But not yet. Not yet. And right now I need to make the most of every single minute.
Chapter 11
Meg is in the kitchen with Phoenix when I re-emerge twenty-five minutes later, freshly showered and dressed in my caramel-coloured shorts and a floaty black top. My feet are bare, my toenails painted gold from yesterday’s pedicure. I spent most of my last day in the UK preening myself for this trip.
‘Can I do anything?’ I ask.
‘No, just take a seat,’ she replies, securing Phoenix into his highchair.
‘Shall I set the table?’ I suggest.
She looks like she’s about to say no again, but then she seems to decide otherwise. ‘Sure.’ She points to a drawer. ‘Cutlery is in there. Thanks,’ she adds, casting a small smile in my direction.
Phoenix babbles away loudly in his highchair as I get on with the task.
‘Are you hungry?’ I say to him, passing him a spoon to play with. He can’t speak, so he doesn’t answer, but he immediately starts to use the instrument to noisily bash the table. A drummer in the making. ‘Are you going to be a musician, like your dad?’ I ask aloud.
‘Not if I can help it,’ Johnny interrupts drily, and I start as he appears in the kitchen.
I give him a quizzical look.
‘Drink, drugs and rock ’n’ roll,’ he says and grins at Meg, but she doesn’t look too impressed so he spanks her on her bottom. I stand there awkwardly.
‘Take a seat, Jessie.’ Meg pulls out a chair for me at the end of the table, so I sit down while Johnny organises some drinks and shouts for Barney to come and join us. I watch them all buzzing around: Meg opening the oven and flinching at the rush of hot air as she takes out the pizzas; Barney running in with Buzz Lightyear, yelling; Johnny firmly extricating the toy and batting away his son’s complaints as he makes him sit at the table opposite Phoenix; Phoenix rapping his spoon and babbling . . . I get the feeling I’m witnessing a very ordinary dinner time. Except this is no ordinary dinner time. There’s a great big elephant in the room and she’s sitting at the top of the table. I feel like an outsider, and that’s exactly what I am.
‘How are you feeling?’ Johnny asks me, as he sits down between Barney and me.
‘A bit weird,’ I admit, and like I’m massively imposing, but I keep this bit to myself. ‘It’s like my body has been filled up with sand.’ I don’t know if I’m tired or hungry or something else.
‘You’re probably jet-lagged,’ Meg chips in, as she places the pizzas in the centre of the table and takes the seat opposite Johnny. ‘It’s, what, the middle of the night, your time?’
‘Is it?’ I ask with surprise.
‘Your body clock will be all messed up,’ she points out as she starts to serve up.
‘Oh.’
‘You haven’t travelled to a different time zone before?’ Johnny asks.
‘No,’ I reply, shaking my head. ‘Well, aside from going to Europe, but that doesn’t really count as it’s only an hour. We couldn’t afford to go further afield.’ Johnny and Meg glance at each other and I wish I’d kept my mouth shut about our financial situation.
‘Do you guys travel a lot?’ I try to fill the silence.
‘Not much at the moment, but I’m going on tour next year,’ Johnny reveals, tucking into his pizza.
‘That’ll be cool,’ I say. Surreal moment alert! My dad is a global megastar!
‘It’s too hot!’ Barney interrupts, squealing.
‘Give it here,’ Johnny says, taking his plate.
‘So you live in Maidenhead?’ Meg asks, while Johnny blows on his son’s pizza.
‘Yeah. Not far from Henley, where you used to live, right?’
‘That’s right.’
‘Weird coincidence, hey?’ Johnny chips in, sliding Barney’s plate back and returning to the conversation.
‘Yeah.’ It hurts to remember Stu telling me how Mum felt when he moved so close by . . . ‘Do you remember my mum?’ The question spills out of my mouth as though it has a will of its own. Meg stiffens and Johnny looks taken aback. ‘Her name was Candy,’ I blurt. ‘But maybe you knew her by her full name, Candace?’
Phoenix chooses that moment to throw a piece of pizza on the floor, making Meg jump to her feet and curse under her breath as she clears it up.
‘We’ll talk about this,’ Johnny promises me with a significant look. He doesn’t add, ‘soon’, but it’s implied.
I nod, as disappoi
ntment rushes through me. He clearly doesn’t remember Mum and he’s just trying to avoid telling me. He needn’t worry, because I’m not sure I want to hear it.
After a dinner strained with small talk about school, hobbies and anything else that avoids trickier subjects, I’m almost falling asleep at the table. I feel a bit bad about leaving Johnny and Meg to clear up, but I really am exhausted, so when Meg suggests I call it a night, I don’t argue.
I head upstairs to get ready for bed and then remember that I still haven’t texted Stu to let him know I’ve arrived safely. I hunt out my mobile phone charger before realising that I don’t have an American power adaptor. I’m sure Johnny and Meg will have a spare.
I head back out of my room, my bare feet making next to no noise on the concrete landing and stairs. Meg and Johnny are talking, with hushed, but irate-sounding voices in the kitchen. Adrenalin pumps through my body as I creep closer. I know I shouldn’t listen in, but I can’t walk away.
‘Look, I’m sorry, alright? But what am I supposed to do?’ Johnny is saying over the sound of children’s chatter in the background.
‘I don’t know, Johnny. I . . .’ Meg’s voice tails off. ‘I didn’t know what to expect, to be honest, but I have a bad feeling about this. About her.’
‘What’s your problem with her?’ Johnny demands to know. ‘She’s only just arrived.’
‘Yeah, looking like a right little rock-star wannabe, in her silver dress, boots and sunglasses indoors.’
I feel sick, so sick. I didn’t mean to come across like that.
‘That’s a bit harsh,’ Johnny defends me.
‘Is it?’ Meg asks heatedly.
‘She’s just lost her mum and discovered that I’m her father, for Christ’s sake!’
‘Keep your voice down,’ she warns, after a moment, but her voice sounds shaky. ‘This has all happened so quickly. One minute we know about her, the next she’s here! I haven’t had enough time to get my head around that fact.’
‘You were the one who suggested she come,’ he points out irately.
‘Only because we’re going away the week after next! I wanted to get it out of the way, not have it hanging over us!’
What am I, an exam? And why was it Meg suggesting I come and stay? Doesn’t Johnny want me here?
‘I can’t believe how much she looks like you. She has your eyes,’ she continues and I have to strain to hear her next words because the kids are starting to play up. ‘Although I only saw them when she finally took off her glasses,’ she adds sarkily.
‘Boys, be quiet,’ Johnny hushes his sons. He sighs. ‘Look, I know this is hard for you. I know that you didn’t want to come back to LA and I get that this whole thing is doing your head in, but we’ll be OK. I love you.’
The sound of a kiss, and then I hear her sniff.
‘OK?’ he asks again, gently.
She sniffs again and maybe she’s nodding, maybe she’s about to reply, but I don’t wait to find out. I hurry back up the stairs, my heart pounding.
Now I know what she really thinks of me. And to be honest, I just want to click my heels three times and go home.
Chapter 12
‘MUM!’ I scream. ‘Where are you?’ I look around in a blind panic, but she’s nowhere to be seen. I’m in my house, but it’s not really my house and the corridors are long and winding. I hear the television playing loudly so I stumble around the corner into a large and vacuous living room, nearly crying with relief when I see her sitting in her favourite place on our sofa. But she doesn’t look at me. Her face is strained, pale, bloodless. It’s like she can’t see me.
‘There you are!’ I fight back tears as I run to hug her, but my arms close around nothing. And then I remember. She’s dead. And she’s never coming back.
I bolt awake out of my dream, but my pain is real, and I’m overcome with silent, whole-body-wracking sobs until, eventually, the lump in my throat subsides and I come back to full consciousness. It’s only then that I remember where I am, and it occurs to me that I might still be dreaming. I stretch my arms wide and feel the soft cotton of the enormous bed beneath my fingers. No, I’m not dreaming. I really am in Johnny Jefferson’s house.
I take a deep breath, feeling utterly drained. I have no idea what time it is. The electric blackout blinds that I finally managed to work last night are blocking out all of the light from the windows, so it could be midnight or midday, for all I know.
I snuck straight back upstairs yesterday evening after overhearing Johnny and Meg’s conversation, but I was too wired to sleep for a long time afterwards, despite my exhaustion.
Meg thinks I’m a wannabe. I feel so humiliated. I only kept my sunnies on inside because it was so bright that I forgot I had them on. And as for the boots and silver dress . . . Well, I could carry that look off at night, but even I wouldn’t normally try to rock an outfit like that in the daytime. I wonder what Johnny thinks of me.
Eventually I drag myself out of bed and try to work the blackout blinds again. The sound of them going up is deafening and I’m worried I’ll wake Barney next door and annoy Meg even more. But soon they come to a halt and the light revealed behind them is pale and grey – early morning.
I want to call Stu before the time difference renders it difficult. I wonder if the office downstairs has an American phone adaptor? I switch on the halogens to flood the room and look at the jumble of clothes in my suitcase. What shall I wear? Something that doesn’t make me look like a rock-star wannabe, I think resentfully. I settle on a simple blue dress and venture out of my bedroom.
I can hear cutlery clinking against crockery in the kitchen. Someone is up. I pad downstairs in my bare feet and cautiously round the corner into the kitchen. It’s Meg and the boys, eating breakfast. They’re surprisingly quiet as they tuck into their cereal.
‘Morning,’ I say groggily and she jumps out of her skin.
‘You scared the life out of me!’ she exclaims.
‘Sorry.’
She recovers quickly. ‘How did you sleep?’ she asks with a smile, which I find almost impossible to return. Not now that I know how she really feels about me being here.
‘Not bad.’
‘Do you want some breakfast? There’s toast, cereal . . . or if you wait a while, Eddie, our chef, will be here and he can do you scrambled eggs or a fry-up or something like that?’
‘I’ll just have a bowl of cereal,’ I decide, not wanting to appear too ‘rock-star wannabe’ by having a cook cater to my every whim. I am so pissed off about that comment.
She pushes her chair out from the table.
‘Don’t worry, I can help myself,’ I tell her.
‘It’s OK,’ she insists. Martyr. She gets up and fetches me a bowl and spoon, then runs through the vast array of cereals on offer. I choose Cheerios because at least they’re familiar.
‘I was wondering if you had a US adaptor for my mobile phone charger?’ I ask when we’re seated back at the table.
‘Of course. Sorry, weren’t there some in your room?’
‘I don’t know. I didn’t really think to look . . .’
‘Try the bedside drawer.’
We carry on eating in silence for a bit. I glance over at her bowl to see that it’s full of brightly-coloured, flat, Rice-Krispie-looking things. Curiosity gets the better of me. ‘What are they?’
‘Pebbles,’ she says with a bashful smile, offering up a box of Flintstones-themed cereal. ‘I always go for the kiddie stuff. I’ve got a sweet tooth.’
I notice the boys are eating plain Rice Krispies.
‘I’m a mean mummy,’ she jokes, having spotted me looking. ‘They have to eat the low sugar variety.’
I don’t comment. She is mean!
‘Do you want to try some?’ she coaxes hopefully.
‘No, thanks,’ I reply flatly. I don’t want anything from her after last night’s comment.
Her face falls. ‘OK.’
Now I feel like a bit of a bitch. I suppose I
don’t need to give her any more reasons to dislike me. ‘Oh, go on, then,’ I find myself saying.
She seems happy as she fetches me a fresh bowl and pours some in. I take a mouthful. Oh my God, it’s really sweet.
‘What do you think?’ Her eyes are wide with anticipation.
‘I feel like I’m going to be climbing the walls in a minute.’
Meg laughs and I can’t help but giggle, too.
‘Morning.’ Johnny’s deep voice punctuates the sound of our laughter. I turn to see him standing in the doorway. His hair is dishevelled and he’s wearing a white T-shirt and khaki-coloured shorts. He looks tired, but he’s grinning.
‘Jesus, Nutmeg, you’re not getting Jessie started on Pebbles, are you?’ Nutmeg? Is that her nickname? Bizarre. He goes over to her and kisses the top of her head, then, to my surprise, places his hand on my shoulder.
‘Any thoughts about what you’d like to do today?’ he asks me, the warmth of his touch seeping through the flimsy fabric of my dress. Meg glances our way and he removes his hand.
‘I don’t know. Won’t we just hang here?’ I feel oddly disappointed that he’s taken his hand away.
‘We could do, if that’s what you’d like. But we thought you might like to go to Santa Monica beach?’
‘I’m still not sure that’s such a good idea,’ Meg interrupts him nervously.
‘It’ll be fine,’ he brushes her off. ‘We’ll bring the guys.’
The guys, I later discover, are Samuel and Lewis, two burly bodyguards who also handle the security for Johnny. They follow us in a slick black Mercedes, while Davey leads the way in the limo. I sit in the middle at the back, between Phoenix and Barney in their two car seats while Johnny and Meg take the bench seat up the side.
‘You alright there?’ Meg asks with a smile. ‘Not too squashed?’
‘I’m fine.’
‘Did you get through to your dad?’
‘I call him Stu, not dad,’ I automatically correct her. She looks embarrassed, so I quickly continue. ‘Yeah, I did, thanks. Thanks for letting me use the landline,’ I say to Johnny.