I suddenly realized I could still taste Guy in my mouth. I scrambled out of the comforter, tripped, and ran into the bathroom. I brushed my teeth until my gums bled. And then I brushed them again. Adam was there, watching me. “I just need a minute,” I told him. And he didn’t push me. He closed the door behind him and said without words that he’d be waiting outside.
I cleaned myself up. Washed my face, brushed my teeth a third time, and combed my hair. I thought about rebraiding it, but then I thought about Adam and the urge left me.
Adam was sitting on my bed with his legs crossed. It was the exact position I’d been in that first night that he’d decided to be my friend, to keep me instead of throwing me away. He’d become my favorite person that night, and he did all over again as I stared at him.
“Bit of a role reversal.” I climbed onto the bed and sat facing him, so that we were knee to knee. “You’re sneaking into my room now.”
Adam looked into my eyes. “You needed me. I came.” And then, even though it was awkward—and I could tell he realized it was awkward about halfway through—Adam leaned forward, across his bent knees and mine, and he hugged me. We both had to stretch forward to reach, but we did. I needed to be held and to know that, even though it wasn’t fair, I was his favorite person.
I wasn’t anyone’s favorite, but I was Adam’s, and that was everything.
I should have tried harder to make him leave, to urge him to go, and at least try to get home before his dad realized he was gone. But when I moved to climb off the bed, Adam tugged me back.
And I went.
ADAM
I’d never lain on a bed with a girl before. I kept eyeing the closed door like her dad would kick it down any second and beat the ever-living hell out of me. That was what he should do. He should be worrying about his daughter, be aware that she had a guy in her bedroom. He should know me and, to a degree, terrify me. That was what dads were supposed to do to guys who were interested in their daughters.
But Jolene’s dad didn’t know I existed. He barely knew she existed. He didn’t care that she’d been crying, or that something had hurt her. I swore in that moment, with Jolene lying next to me and her long, loose hair tickling the back of my hand, that I would kick in his teeth if I ever met him. “You should come home with me later. My dad will be mad enough to yell at both of us. If you’re really lucky, he’ll ground you, too—maybe even confiscate your phone.”
Jolene laughed a little, and the moment made her hair slip forward over her shoulders. She was so beautiful my breath caught.
Then the smiles faded. The reality wasn’t as funny. If—when—I got grounded, we both knew I wouldn’t be the only one punished.
“How long do you think?”
I rolled onto my back. “The last time I sneaked out all night to see a girl, I had a full beard by the time they let me out, so...”
Jolene pushed up on her elbow. “There isn’t a single part of that sentence I believe.”
“Her name was Stephanie and it was so worth it.”
That got me a laugh.
“Maybe you can convince your dad you sneaked out early this morning?”
“That might work.” I’d have to persuade Jeremy to back me up, but things had been okay between us lately so that wasn’t as ludicrous as it would have been even a month ago. Lying next to her in that moment though, I didn’t care how much trouble I got in.
“And what about me?” Jolene asked. “Am I worth it?”
I started to say yes. To say something ridiculous, like being with her would be worth never seeing the sun again, so she’d keep laughing. But I didn’t. Jolene wasn’t the type to fish for compliments. She was more the type to pay them to herself. At first, I’d thought she was sort of conceited, but as I’d gotten to know her, I’d realized the opposite was true. She made them a joke. But they weren’t. She was beautiful and funny and all these other good things that I tried to tell her, that she needed to hear. But I didn’t say anything. Instead I lifted my head, fit my hand under her jaw, and kissed her.
I felt her breath suck in as my lips touched hers, actually felt some of the air in my lungs slip into hers. The sensation made me jump a little, but I didn’t pull away. And the thing that made me fight not to smile against her mouth was that she didn’t pull away either.
Kissing Jolene again was so much more than I thought it would be—and I’d thought about it a lot. It sent my blood racing and my heart pounding. I shifted closer and let another demanding instinct urge me to kiss her deeper.
But that time she did pull away.
“Sorry,” I said before she could pull back even an inch. “I didn’t mean—”
But she didn’t let me finish. She ducked her head into my shoulder and wrapped her arms around my waist. I didn’t need instinct to hold her, too. I settled back and she followed. I could feel my pulse and imagined she could, too.
Jolene breathed deeply, then she lifted her face to look at me. “You’re my favorite person, too.” She gazed at me until I thought she was going to cry.
“I feel like I did something wrong.”
“You didn’t,” she said, and I didn’t like the way she emphasized the word you. “I—”
A heavy pounding knock sounded on the front door and without thinking I tightened my arms around Jolene. Then it sounded again. The third pounding cut off midway and I heard a sound that sent a chill of dread down my spine.
“I’m sorry it’s so early but I need to talk to Jolene. We can’t find Adam.”
“I think she’s still sleeping, but we can wake her if we have to.”
I tried to move when I heard Dad and Shelly’s footsteps cross the room, I swear I tried, but Jolene and I were wrapped together and there was a blanket twisted around both our legs. She moved one way and I went the other and I ended up half on top of her when the door opened.
Jolene
Adam’s dad didn’t drag him off my bed and out of the room. No, it was much worse than that. He stood there silently watching as Adam climbed off me.
I’d only glimpsed Adam’s dad’s face when the door opened, and his expression was one of desperation and fear. I immediately thought of Greg, and whether it had been a minute or ten since Adam’s dad discovered he wasn’t in his bed, I knew for a man who had already lost one son, it had been an eternity.
It was almost comical how his features shifted. There was that one bright burst of relief when he’d had to catch his weight on the doorframe, but it had been followed so quickly by cold, hard disappointment that laughter was the furthest thing from my mind.
Adam tried to explain that it wasn’t what it looked like while he was climbing off me.
Yeah, that went over well. His dad didn’t say a word.
Shelly, for once in her life, was speechless, too.
Adam shot me a glance before leaving. He was smart enough not to say anything to me. His dad was clearly beyond words at that point, otherwise I’d have tried to say something myself.
When they left, I told Shelly the truth.
“I don’t care if you believe me or not. Nothing happened. He came over last night and we fell asleep watching a movie.”
“I believe you,” she said. “You’re stupid and he’s going to get in a lot of trouble because of it, but I believe you.”
My shoulders sagged. She was right. I didn’t want to think about that, so I deflected. “Think my dad’ll be that mad?”
Shelly hesitated. “I should probably tell him.”
I stared at her as I scooted off the bed. “That was a rhetorical question, Shelly. We both know he doesn’t care.”
“He does.” She took a hesitant step into my room. “He should. I’ve been talking to him about being more involved, and he’s going to try, Jolene. He’s just so busy.”
That was such a load, and we both knew it. “Do
you know how many days it’s been since I’ve seen him? Actually seen him, beyond the rare glimpse in the morning on his way out the door?”
Shelly lowered her gaze and plucked the exact number from my mind. “One hundred and ninety-four.”
I gaped at her. Nobody knew that but me. Dad might, I supposed, but something told me he was “too busy” to count. I hadn’t even told Adam. But Shelly knew, which meant she’d been keeping track, and I couldn’t for the life of me fathom why.
“Why do you know that?” I moved toward her.
She caught her hands up in front of her, wringing them. “I didn’t know it was going to be like this. I thought—”
“What? You thought what?”
“Can we stop?” she asked. “Can we stop being enemies? I never wanted that.”
“You just wanted a married man and you used me to get him. So no,” I said, reaching for my doorknob and forcing my eyes to remain bone-dry when hers flooded. “We don’t stop. How could you think for a single moment that I could possibly stop?”
I shut the door in her face and after looking around the empty room where minutes before Adam had been holding me, I opened the door to my balcony and let the bracing wind lash at me until my cheeks felt numb. And then I forced that feeling to spread to the rest of me.
* * *
Shelly left shortly after that. I didn’t know or care where. Adam’s dad had been yelling at him earlier, but they must have migrated to the other bedroom, because it’d been a while since I’d heard anything. I paced my room and chewed my nails till they bled. He’d find some way to let me know what happened, wouldn’t he? Once he calmed down and let Adam explain, his dad wouldn’t keep us apart forever, right? I tried to reason with myself but it didn’t help.
The thing that finally drove me from my room was another fist pounding on the front door.
I honestly hoped it was Adam’s dad. I was ready to tell him everything if it meant I could still see Adam.
But it wasn’t.
Jeremy craned his neck to peer past me into my apartment. “Is Shelly home?”
I had barely uttered the word no when Jeremy pushed past me. “What happened with your dad?”
Jeremy crossed his arms and looked me over. “Well, you don’t look stupid...”
I pushed the front door shut and gritted my teeth. “I know Adam’s in trouble. What I don’t know is how much.”
“Yeah, but you can guess, can’t you?” When my only response was a glare, Jeremy went on, “He’s grounded until the end of time, but that was a given. No phone, no internet, no life. Thanks to you, my little brother is going to be a shut-in until he graduates.”
I dropped into the dining chair next to me, my indignation forgotten. I looked to my future weekends at Dad’s, and I saw myself running out the clock in my room, watching movie after movie with nothing to focus on except the number of fingernails that I hadn’t chewed to the quick. Mom’s wouldn’t be any better now that Mrs. Cho was gone. I’d have school but soccer was over and Cherry and I weren’t talking, and I had all the footage I needed for Venomous Squid so I wouldn’t see Gabe or the guys as much. There’d be no more texting with Adam. No more Adam, period. It was like having the wind knocked out of me. “He can’t.”
“Uh, yeah, he can. Do you even care what you put my dad through last night? I mean, do you?” He broke off with a note of disgust that made me flinch. “Adam and our dad were starting to make progress and in one stupid night, you destroyed all that. You deserve this. Adam, too. But our dad didn’t.”
My heart took the hit from his words and pain lanced through me. “I’m sorry,” I said. “Please don’t be mad at Adam about this. Something happened last night and I didn’t know who else to go to. You have to tell your dad it wasn’t Adam’s fault.”
Jeremy sighed. “Yeah, it was. Unless you physically prevented him from going home last night, it was his fault. Whatever excuse you try to come up with makes Adam look cowardly as well as stupid. Trust me, stupid is plenty.” Then he walked back to the door and opened it. “You don’t have anyone to blame but yourselves.”
Tears spilled over onto my cheeks. No, I thought. That can’t happen. I can’t lose him and ruin everything he wants. I was already on my feet, striding toward the door as if Jeremy had opened it for me.
“What do you think you’re doing? I told you he’s grounded. He can’t see you.”
“I need to talk to your dad.”
“Yeah, that’s a bad idea.” Jeremy stretched his arm across the door, barring me when I stepped forward.
When I didn’t relent, he sighed again and dropped his arm. “I’m also supposed to tell you that Adam’s waiting for you on the balcony.”
I didn’t stop to yell at Jeremy for withholding that crucial bit of information. It was just another thing that didn’t matter. Instead I shoved him into the hall and slammed the door before running to the balcony.
“Adam?” I couldn’t lean far enough out to fully see into his balcony, but I heard him perfectly.
“I’m here.”
I let all the air out of my lungs, the still-freezing temperature turning it into fogged clouds. “Your brother just told me.”
“I figured he would be less than forthcoming. I had my doubts about him telling you at all.”
“He’s pretty mad.”
“He’ll get over it.” Adam’s hand crossed over the railing in front of me, and I covered it with my own.
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m not.”
“You don’t even know what you got in trouble for,” I said.
“It was for you. That’s all I need to know.”
My heart swelled, then shriveled in the space of a single heartbeat. I lifted my hand free and clutched my elbows tight to my chest. “I did something stupid last night.”
“I was there,” Adam said. “I have the frostbite to prove it.”
“No.” I shook my head. He was trying to help me, even then. I owed him more than the teasing excuse he was trying to give me. “I did something before that.”
He already knew that, or he at least knew something.
“I went somewhere I shouldn’t have, and something happened.” I gagged on the memory of Guy’s hands on me, his mouth... My stomach twisted and would have emptied itself if there’d been anything in it. “I’m not this girl. I’m not this stupid. I don’t know why I kept going back. It was so stupid, because I knew. I kept lying to myself because I—I don’t know.” I went on like that, my words becoming vaguer and harsher as I spoke. “And I’m sorry I texted you like I did. I couldn’t think of anyone else.”
Adam was silent for a long time. A really long time. Too long. “Are you hurt?” he asked at last.
“No.” My voice was so quiet that wouldn’t have carried to him if he was even an inch farther away.
“Are you safe?”
I told him I was.
And then Adam said something that made me flinch. “Jolene, where did you go?”
I didn’t answer, because we both knew my options had been limited. It had been late; there had been a blizzard. And he was smart. He figured it out between one heartbeat and the next.
“What did he do?”
I didn’t even try to lie.
ADAM
When I got back inside my bedroom, I felt frozen solid. My legs didn’t move right and my chest ached. Even after the warmth from the heater soaked into my bones, I still felt that way.
Dad was on the phone with Mom. He must have been pacing outside my door because I could hear him perfectly.
“Yes, all night, I saw them myself... I agree... Sarah, I’ve already talked to him, but he isn’t saying much... Yes... He’s in his room... Nothing, he says, but would he tell me? Not yet, but I will. I’ve never actually seen her father, but I’ll get in touch with him somehow...”
I almost laughed. Jolene’s dad wasn’t going to care, assuming my dad could find him. Jolene hadn’t even seen him in months. Fire suddenly raced through my muscles and my hands formed into fists.
“Now’s good. Jeremy’s here... We can meet somewhere if you’d rather I not come to the house... Okay. I’ll be there in thirty minutes.” A fist knocked on my door. “Adam?”
I opened it.
“I’m going to the house to talk with your mom. I don’t know when I’ll be back, but you’re not allowed to leave this apartment, do you understand me?”
“Yes, sir.”
He gave me a nod, then he walked over to where Jeremy was dozing on the couch and relayed the same info. He left Jeremy with my phone and reminded him that I wasn’t to use it. If Jeremy opened his eyes, I didn’t see it, but he did take the phone.
Then Dad was gone.
I think I waited a full minute before moving toward Jeremy, but my blood was still pounding in my ears and it was possible my sense of time was off.
“Hey.” I kicked at the lump that was my sleeping brother.
“What!” Jeremy rolled over to glare at me.
“I need my phone.”
Jeremy tucked it under his pillow and started to lie down again. “Yeah, well, good luck with that.”
“I’m not messing around. Give it to me or I’ll take it from you.”
One eye opened. Then the other. Jeremy sat up, pulling my phone out and holding it in his lap. “Maybe you aren’t getting it, but you seriously screwed up more than your life last night.” He shoved me back a step without standing. “You’re always talking about what Greg would do when calling out me or Dad. What do you think he’d say to you right now, huh?” He shook his head and glanced down at my phone, swiping the screen to unlock it. “Forget it. I’m sick of you always acting like everyone else is the problem. Grow up, Adam. And here.” He tapped the phone a couple times and tossed it onto the coffee table. “Here’s your stupid voice mail from your equally stupid girlfri—”
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