by Aly Martinez
I wanted to release the week’s worth of the hell I was living with onto his face. Hands, fists, hopes, dreams, fantasy, and—most of all—reality. I wanted to shatter it all—preferably over his skull. Just as I convinced myself that Slate would understand if I committed murder in his locker room, Flint came flying in between us.
“Stop.” He shoved me backwards.
I stumbled, but Bailey straightened his pansy shirt with a grin.
Like the fool he was, Bailey prodded, “What the fuck is your problem? Don’t act like you haven’t dipped in the On The Ropes waters. Oh that’s right. You’re too pussy-whipped by that poor artist chick. Eliza, right?”
The sound of her name rolling off his tongue was more than enough to secure my spot on death row. However, the bastard wasn’t done yet.
“Maybe I should see what she’s up to right now. I bet that tight little ass of hers could more than cure my blue balls.”
My brain exploded, shooting adrenaline directly into my veins.
“No!” Flint yelled as I dived past him, landing a hard fist to Bailey’s chin.
Finally, that fucking smile was wiped from his face.
Flint pushed and shoved between us, trying desperately to separate us. He was barely able to keeping us far enough apart to where we couldn’t land anything else.
“Stop! Calm down!” he barked into my face. “You’re both going to get booted from the gym.”
I couldn’t have given a damn about On The Ropes in that second though, but I did care about Eliza.
“Goddammit, Till. Stop. It’s not worth it.”
My body fought, but my judgment finally caught up. I stared savagely at Bailey as I allowed Flint to push me away.
“You stupid fuck,” Bailey cursed, rubbing his chin.
“Chill!” Flint pleaded, holding my eyes. “This is not the time or the place. Just let it go.”
I took a deep breath and tried to reel it in. The desperation in my brother’s eyes was the only thing that grounded me.
I begrudgingly started toward the door, but then I heard Bailey mumble words I couldn’t quite make out. Flint’s entire body went stiff beside me, physically revealing their severity. But before I could even ask what was said, Flint spun and, with one unexpected right, dropped Derrick Bailey to the ground.
Out. Cold.
“Holy fuck!” I grabbed Flint as he dived back in for seconds.
“Yeah. Say it again now, bitch!” Flint yelled over my shoulder as I shoved him out of the locker room.
A few of the guys lingered around the door, obviously listening.
“Jacob. Sam. Go check on Bailey,” I ordered as I dragged Flint up to the office.
He wasn’t fighting against me, but he was obviously fuming.
“What the fuck did he say?” I asked as soon as the door closed behind us.
“Nothing.” Flint flopped down into the chair. His legs and arms were noticeably shaking as the rush of adrenaline left him.
“Oh it was something if it set you off like that.”
“He’s just a dick. That’s all.” He looked up nervously. “Am I gonna get kicked out of the program?” Flint had recently turned sixteen. He was huge and would easily be bigger than I was in a few years, but he was still just a kid in a man’s body, who was worried about getting in trouble.
“Nah. I’ll talk to Slate. It’ll be fine.”
“Okay.”
It seemed to be enough to ease him.
“So you’re really not gonna tell me what he said?” I asked him.
“Nope. You’d end up in jail. Just let it go.”
We both turned to look out the glass windows as Bailey made his walk of shame out of the gym. He didn’t say a word as he left, but his tail was firmly tucked between his legs. I found it especially gratifying when I saw his girl from earlier watching from the treadmill.
“Hey, we should celebrate. It’s not every day you get to knock out a big-time, professional boxer.” I looked over at Flint, who erupted in laughter.
IT HAD BEEN ALMOST TWO weeks since I’d shoved Till out of my front door. I hurt. I missed him. I missed the boys. I missed the everyday, routine life we had. It sucked. When I’d made the decision to slam that door, I’d had no idea that it would shatter my fantasy as well.
I’d tried to stay gone as much as possible during those weeks. I’d taken up studying at the college library and picked up every possible shift I could get at work. I just hadn’t been able to stay in that apartment. Life had gone on for my family upstairs. And every time I had been forced to listen to them talking or laughing, it’d shredded me.
Late one night, I heard a loud commotion upstairs. I assumed that it was Flint and Quarry arguing or Till wrestling with them. Any other day, I would have been up there before the first shout. But at that point, I had lost them all.
“Quarry, stop!” Till yelled before the door slammed.
Feet pounded down the stairs, and the wall shook with the sound of glass shattering.
I glanced out my window for long enough to see Quarry sprinting away. He stopped at the end of the sidewalk as if it were the edge of the Earth. He looked to the left, then the right, and then crumbled to the ground.
I raced outside after him, completely unsure what the hell was going on but still positive I needed to help.
“Quarry!” I called, rushing toward him. “What’s going on? Are you okay?” I squatted down and scanned his body for any possible injury. But only his tear-stained cheeks seemed to be worse for wear.
He didn’t say a word as he turned and threw his arms around my neck. He was nearly the same size I was, and I struggled to remain my upright. It was pure force of will that I didn’t topple over.
“What’s wrong?” I turned to gain better traction, but if the shake of my knees the moment I met Till’s devastated eyes were any indication, the ground had fallen away completely.
He stood on the upstairs breezeway staring down at us, his hand furiously rolling his bottom lip.
“What?” I mouthed up at him while holding Quarry tight in my arms.
It was such a simple gesture that it should have confused me, but my heart dropped to my stomach the second he lifted a finger and tapped his ear.
Oh, God. Quarry was going deaf too.
I helplessly watched her holding him. I wasn’t sure if Quarry was crying, but I knew with absolute certainty that salty tears were flowing from Eliza’s eyes. Right then, as they were wrapped comfortingly in each other’s arms, I wasn’t sure which of them I was more jealous of. I made my way down the stairs, stopping just before I reached them. What the hell would I even say? So, like a coward, I backed against the wall out of sight.
“Hey. You want to go somewhere with me?” Eliza asked Quarry.
“Where?” he replied brokenly.
“Just come on.”
I wanted the best vantage point to see how she was going to handle this. I had failed earlier as I’d tried to work the results of the genetic testing into a casual conversation. I hadn’t known what else to do though. Eliza usually would have helped me with something like that. She would have known exactly how to tell Quarry that he going to go deaf and warmly assure Flint that he wasn’t.
I quickly jogged back up the stairs, fully expecting her to take him back to her apartment, but Eliza surprised me as she guided him around the side of the building.
I leaned over the railing and watched her stop at the edge of the flowerbed.
“Welcome to purgatory.”
“Um. Purga-what?”
“Purgatory. You know . . . the suffering point halfway between heaven”—she pointed to her window then out into the space in front of them—“and hell.”
“Till made this up, didn’t he?”
Eliza laughed. “What gave it away?”
“No one else is weird enough to consider your window heaven.”
“This is true,” she softly giggled.
I bit my lip and shook my head to keep from j
oining her.
“Come on. Sit down,” she told him. “In purgatory, you can cuss as much as you want.”
I lost them as they sat, and their voices became muffled from my position in the breezeway. I quietly snuck down the stairs and settled on the cold concrete beside Eliza’s front door—only a corner divided me from joining them.
“I don’t want to know that I’m not going to be able to hear one day. It’s not fucking fair! Why did he have to tell me? He’s such a dick!” Quarry shouted.
“So, you’re pissed at Till for telling you?”
“Damn right!”
“Q, he didn’t have a choice. You’re going to have doctor’s appointments and treatments and all that stuff. Was he supposed to lie you? This is kinda need-to-know information.”
“No! I don’t know. Maybe.”
“He’s not going to lie to you. And I know for a fact you wouldn’t want that.”
“You don’t fucking know what I want!” he yelled, but then they fell silent. A few seconds later, his voice returned on a whine. “Eliza, I don’t want to go deaf.”
It broke me. I didn’t want that either. I should have been the only one. I’d gladly bear that burden alone.
“I know. It fucking blows!” She exaggerated the curse for his benefit.
I was sure his eyes lit and hers watered.
“But it’s not Till’s fault. He loves you, Q. I know the old ‘misery loves company’ saying, but I can guarantee that he would way rather face this on his own.”
Fucking mind reader.
God, I missed her.
God, I loved her.
“A couple of weeks ago, I sat right here in purgatory with Till. He was a mess, freaking out when he found out that it might be genetic.”
“I wasn’t freaking out,” I mumbled to myself.
“You were freaking out,” she replied, making my eyes go wide.
“What?” Quarry questioned.
“I mean, um, earlier,” she said, covering up our conversation. “You were freaking out . . . just like your brother. You know, you and Till have a lot in common. Maybe, instead of being pissed at him, you should talk to him. There’s no magical solution for this, but it can’t hurt to have your big brother beside you on this journey.” She spoke the truth. She always did. Even when I was too stupid to recognize it.
Since I had been busted, there was no use hiding anymore. I walked around the corner of the building to find Quarry facing away from me. His head was resting in her lap, his hands awkwardly holding the sketchpad I had left on her window. It was a position I had perfected years earlier.
She was drawing long, fast strokes I immediately recognized as eyelashes. She didn’t look up as she lifted the hand that was buried in his hair and waved me away. I stood still for a second, reliving the moment when I first found out about my diagnosis. Eliza was the only thing that had held me together then too—and honestly, every day after that. It was only the promise of Eliza that kept the world from falling apart when, every single day, I was faced with overwhelming adversity.
I can’t lose that.
I knew what she wanted, because it was the exact same thing I’d have killed to have with her. But there are few things in life that trump the fear of losing your soul mate. I wouldn’t allow the desire to consume her to be one of them.
We were good at friends. We could leave it at that.
We had to.
I sulked back around the corner and listened to the two of them talk some more. As the intensity of the conversation decreased, so did the volume of their voices until I eventually lost purchase on their words.
I was content with the knowledge that she was still with him though. If there were one person in the world who could mend Quarry’s wounds, it was her.
Always her.
It must have been at least an hour later when they rounded that corner. I immediately found my feet. Quarry was startled to see me, and while Eliza sucked in a deep breath, it wasn’t from surprise.
“Hey.” I dusted off my jeans.
“What are you doing?” he asked, drying his red eyes.
“I was waiting for you.” My mouth told Quarry, but my words were for Eliza.
She rolled her eyes and looked away, but not before I saw the moisture glisten from behind her lashes.
“Sorry. For you know . . .” Quarry trailed off weakly, snapping my attention back to him.
“Don’t worry about that. We’re good.” I grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him against my chest. He was far too much of a man to hug me back, but he didn’t fight me either. “I swear to God I’ll make this okay for you. I can’t fix it, Q. But I will make it okay.” I felt his shoulders softly quake, and it was all I could do to keep mine from joining him.
“I’m going to bed,” he announced, quickly walking away.
I stared at Eliza while we listened to his footsteps as he made his way upstairs.
Just before the door to my apartment shut, he called out, “Thanks, Eliza.”
“Anytime, Q,” she replied, holding my gaze.
“Can we talk?” I asked her.
“I don’t know. Can we?” She smacked the sketchpad against my chest.
“I miss you. I really need you right now, Doodle.” I took a step toward her, but she stepped out of reach.
“Well, you know where I’m at, Till.” She shoved her door open and backed into her apartment. “You want to come inside?” She tilted her head.
We both knew what it would mean if I crossed that threshold. Even above my ridiculous superstitions, it would mean forever.
“Doodle, please.”
“That’s what I thought.” With the flip of her wrist, she swung the door shut—once again.
“Shit.” I fisted my hair.
I dragged myself back to my room. As soon as I crashed into bed, I opened the sketchpad. I knew what I would find, but I would have given anything for it to be her softly curved eyes inside instead of my own.
But I was wrong on both accounts.
Quarry’s were the first to meet me, followed by Flint’s a few inches below. It was pages upon pages of the boys’ eyes with a few of my own scattered throughout.
It sucked for me to not have her, but I’d completely forgotten that she was all alone.
“You can see them any time you want, you know. Even if you don’t want to see me. You don’t have to ask,” I said out loud, knowing she could hear me. “How about tomorrow? You can pick them up from the gym and I’ll make an excuse why I have to stay later so you can just hang out for a few hours.”
She didn’t reply.
“Not me. Just them.”
Her emotion-filled voice broke the silence. “Okay.”
It was a single word, but it cut me to the bone. I was losing her faster than I could figure out how to make it right, and it was terrifying.
“I love you,” I choked out, but she remained agonizingly quiet.
“I love you too,” I whispered inaudibly to the ceiling with tears streaming from my eyes. “I love you too.”
“YOU STUPID SON OF A bitch!” Flint yelled as he charged through the front door.
My eyes swung to Quarry as I tried to figure out what he could have possibly done to warrant this kind of explosive reaction, but when I turned back to Flint, his rage had homed in on me.
“Are you talking to me like that?” I asked, dumbfounded.
I’d seen Flint lose his cool before, but never like this. That just wasn’t who he was. Me or Quarry, sure. But with the exception of when he’d lost it at the gym on Derrick Bailey, Flint was pretty chill.
“You’re an idiot. You fucked us all!” he screamed, stopping only inches from my face.
I wasn’t sure what the hell kind of Freaky Friday bullshit had happened that had transported Quarry into Flint’s body, but clearly, something unnatural had taken place. I was so confused that I couldn’t even formulate a stern response.
“Me?” I asked one more time just for clarificat
ion, causing Quarry to laugh beside me.
“What the hell is wrong with you? You couldn’t get your shit together, so now, she’s dating Derrick.”
“Who?” I questioned even though I knew the answer. But my throat had suddenly closed, and it was the only word I could force out.
“Eliza!” he roared, shoving my chest with both hands.
I stumbled a few steps, but it had less to do with his physical push and everything to do with her.
“No.” I shook my head, rejecting his statement.
“Oh yeah. I just passed them strolling arm in arm to his Mercedes.” He stepped back into my face. “Why? Why? Why!” he screamed.
“Why what?”
“Why can’t you get your shit together? Goddammit, she’s going to leave us! He’s a fucking piece of shit who hates you. You might as well have wrapped her in a pretty, red bow and handed her to him.” He stepped away and started to pace a familiar pattern. “Till, he’s rich. He’s gonna take her to nice places and give her nice things. She’ll get a taste of that life and won’t want to come back to us. She’ll be gone. ”
He was irrational, yet I hung on his every word.
“He’s gonna charm her into believing that he’s something he’s not and then take her away.”
“She’s not stupid. She won’t fall for his bullshit.” I stated matter-of-factly, but in my head, each sentence was punctuated with a giant blinking question mark.
“Why would she go out with that douchebag?” Quarry asked, but I couldn’t focus.
“You have to fix this.” Flint stilled. “Start using the fucking door.”
I sighed and grabbed the back of my neck. “It’s not that easy.”
“Oh yeah?” He turned and stormed out of the front door only to immediately walk back in. He made a show of turning the knob and swinging the door. “I’m pretty sure it is that easy, brainiac.”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” I shot back.
“Oh, I don’t? Maybe you’ve forgotten that these floors work both ways. I’ve heard all your fantasy bullshit arguments with her.” He gave me a pointed look.
“Truth,” Quarry chimed in.
“Then you should understand that I can’t give her what she wants!”