by t. h. snyder
I just don’t understand how this all happened, we were always so happy. No matter how far apart we were from one another we always found a way to make us work. Now I feel like we have just given up on something that was so special to both of us.
I don’t know what I’m going to do.
While wiping away the tears I get into my car and pull out my phone. Hoping there would be some sort of message from Derrick, I sigh when my screen is blank. My whole life has been about me and Derrick and now I’m a hot fucking mess.
Without another thought I push send on the phone hoping the other line will pick up.
“I already heard.” She says before I can even get a word out.
“But how, I mean why, did he call you the minute I walked away from him?” I ask sobbing into the phone.
“Chloe you have to understand his side here too. I love you both so much, but it wasn’t easy for him when you chose NYU over Harvard or when you took the job in LA. I can’t imagine what it’s like to only see one another every other month or so. How long did you think this would go on before one of you decided to make a decision?”
“God damn it Char, can’t you be on my side here for once? My heart is breaking and you’re telling me you knew this would happen. Don’t you think I know that my choices are what pushed him away? Here I thought we were going to spend a great week together and all it turned out to be was a romantic goodbye.”
I can barely breathe let alone speak. It’s so hard to believe that today was the last time I would hold him, kiss him and tell him I love him.
“He’s the love of my life Char, how am I supposed to be okay with all of this?”
“I don’t know Chloe. All I can say is give it time, just like you told me a few months ago. If you two are meant to be you will find your way back together.”
“As insightful as you sound right now it doesn’t make me feel any better.”
“I know, keep yourself busy and focus on the reason you moved to LA.”
“Yeah, okay. Thanks Char, I’ll call you later this week.”
The line goes dead, no I love you Chloe…be strong Chloe…nothing. She is totally on his side through this and that is exactly how it should be. I’m the one that did this to us. It was my decision to choose a career over the love of my life. Now I just have to deal with it and pretend like I am not nursing a broken heart.
The next few weeks fly by and I feel like I’m living in a daze. I put on my best face when I’m at work and in front of the camera, but it takes just about all I have through the day not to break down and call Derrick. I’ve kept in constant touch with Char and can’t believe she answers the phone when I call. She’s been helping me get through this, but I worry that my emotional state will make her refuse my contact soon. All I really know right now is that Derrick has drowned himself in some pretty big cases at work and goes out with Riley when he can. I’m happy he’s still living but it kills me that he’s surviving without me.
I need to pull my shit together somehow and either focus on my career or pack it all back up and move home. But I know I can’t do the latter choice, I’ve come too far in my career to give it all up.
The thing that sucks is that I finally landed the job of a lifetime, this is all I’ve ever wanted to do and staying here doing what I love cost me the one person in the world that matters more to me than anything.
The next few weeks at work are a big deal for me professionally. The freaking Super Bowl is coming up and I’ve been interviewing a rookie quarterback that will probably take his team all the way. I can’t screw this up, I have to get my head back on track, build a schedule and give ESPN all that I can.
I’m pulled out of my trance by a knock on my door. I look up and see my co-host Trent. With a professional smile I take in a deep breath and stand to walk his way.
“You okay Chloe? We’re on in a few minutes and I thought I should come and look for you. It’s not like you to be in the office ten minutes before we are live.”
“Yep I’m coming, umm, just wanted to check on some things before it was time. Guess I was in here longer than I expected. Thanks for coming to check on me.” I tell him refusing to make eye contact.
Trent has been one of the crew members that always seemed to be there when I started to get homesick. He too is far away from home and chose career over love so of course he knows what I’m going through. Wait no correction, what I was going through. I haven’t had it in me to share the news with my friends. I really don’t want to talk about it with anyone.
He puts his hand on the small of my back and guides me out the door and over to where our shoot takes place every day in the EPSN studio.
“You know a bunch of us are going out after work tonight if you want to come. I think it would be good for you to get out. You haven’t been the same since Derrick went back home.” He says taking his seat on the stage.
“We’ll see. I’m not really up for going out tonight.”
“Chloe Taylor, get your head out of your ass and come on out with us tonight.” A voice sounds from behind the green screen.
“When you put it like that Andrew, how can I refuse?” I tell him with a smile.
Andrew Lock is a rookie quarterback for the Allentown Colts and will be on our show again tonight. He’s been the prime time athlete on majority of shows for the past few months because of his strong ability to take his team to the Super Bowl in a few weeks.
“It’s not every week I’m in town and can spend a night out with my favorite sport’s analyst.” He says with a wink.
“Cool it Lock, you know Chloe is well spoken for back home. Lay off the pretty boy smirks.” Trent says moving to stand.
“Whoa boys settle down. Chloe isn’t going home with anyone tonight. It’s just drinks, relax Tarzan.” I say in Trent’s direction giving him the evil eye.
“Well word on the street says that Chloe isn’t spoken for anymore so I say we see how tonight goes and take it from there.” Andrew says looking right at me, my mouth gapped wide open.
“Chloe what the hell is going on and what does Lock know that I don’t?” Trent says sitting back down.
“Ugh never mind Trent, we are on in like 30 seconds.” I tell him while organizing my notes in front of me and placing my glass of water directly to my left.
Watching her walk away from security was like ripping out my heart.
This past week was painful in more ways than one and the feeling I had told me it was time to leave. After Charlie and Riley left on Saturday I thought for sure Chloe and I would be on cloud nine. We planned on spending a lot of time in the apartment so that no moment would be lost. The problem was that when we were alone something felt like it was missing or that we were forcing one another to do things that used to come so naturally to us. It got to the point that I couldn’t bare it any longer and I had to break the silence.
I told the only woman that I’ve ever loved that the distance from her was too hard to bear. Every spare moment I had I was obsessing about her and what she was doing. I hated that she had a life so far away from mine and I too was creating a life without her in it. It wasn’t like I wanted to see other people. She’s the only one I could ever love. I just can’t consume myself with a future we both know is not going to happen.
After our talk at her place we both decided it was best to take some time apart.
So I decided to book and earlier flight and leave Sunday morning…four whole days before I was supposed to head home to Boston.
Now I sit here waiting to board a plane and all I can do is pray I don’t regret the decision we just made.
I pull out my cell and am so tempted to send her a text to tell her how sorry I am and that it will be okay. But I can’t…because it won’t.
Instead I call Charlie and let her know what just happened.
“Hey Derrick, what’s up? You guys bored without us already?” Charlie says.
“Umm not really, I’m actually at the airport waiting to catch a flight
.” I reply.
“What?” She screams in the phone.
I can hear her telling Riley that I’m on my way home. And in the background he’s asking her why.
“Look Derrick, whatever happened it will all be okay. When do you fly in? We’ll come get you.” She says in between telling Riley to shut up so she can hear me.
For a second a smile creeps on my face. Those two are nuts.
“I don’t think it will be okay Charlie, but thanks anyway. I’ll tell you about it when I get there. Pick me up around six. Oh, and Charlie, thanks.”
I hit end on my phone and then shut it down. I need to distance myself from everyone.
Boarding the plane was simple. It was realizing why I was on the plane that killed me inside.
For eight years Chloe Taylor was my world. She was the reason I wanted to be a good man, have a great job, and find a way in life that would support both of us as we built a family. Now all those dreams are gone. I know in my mind we made the right decision, but I can’t convince my heart and now its breaking.
A tear begins to roll down the side of my face as I punch the pillow and lay my head up against the cabin wall.
I close my eyes and try to get some sleep. Once I get back to Boston I have a lot of things I need to do.
The last few weeks have flown by and I’m swamped with three case loads that leave me no time to even think. Thankfully tonight I’m going to head over to Riley and Charlie’s for dinner and then out to the pub with Riley and some of the guys. I deserve some time to enjoy myself instead of having my head stuck in the office.
I walk down the street to their house. It still kind of cracks me up that these two bought a house down the block from me. Between the two of them they’ve done everything they can to keep me in line and on track with the things that are important like food, sleep, and clean underwear.
When I reach their front porch Riley and his dog Manny are waiting for me outside. Manny runs down to the sidewalk to greet me and Riley has a big smile on his face.
“What the hell has you so happy today?” I ask him.
“Well besides the fact I have the best girlfriend in the world, I taught Manny a new trick today.”
“Oh yeah, dare I ask what this trick may be?” I reply giving him a glare.
Only Riley can spend hours with his dog and teach him to do the stupidest things. Just last week he tried to get him to flush the toilet after he took a shit. Riley was so excited he called me and Charlie in the bathroom to watch. Too bad for us we didn’t realize what was in the toilet until it was too late.
“Look man, I promise there’s no shit involved this time. Come on, you’ll love it.”
“Okay Manny let me see what you got.” I tell him.
“Manny, come here boy. Listen boy, its Miller time go get it boy.” Riley yells while opening the front door.
What the hell is he up to and what does Miller time mean to a dog.
Just then Manny comes running out to me on the porch with a bottle of Miller in his mouth.
“No shit, man’s best friend is now man’s best bartender. Way to go Manny. You two should go on the road with this stuff.”
“Very funny Derrick, don’t encourage him. Next thing I know Manny will be vacuuming the rugs for us.” Charlie says while coming over to me and giving me a tight squeeze.
“And how would that be a bad thing, less cleaning for you babe.” Riley says grabbing her from me and kissing her on the forehead.
“Come on in you fools and eat some food before you head out to the pub.”
We follow Charlie inside and take a seat at the table. I’m so grateful for these two people in my life. As crazy as they are, they are pretty much all I got right now.
“Oh hey Derrick, I forget to tell you my sister Emma is coming up for a visit next weekend. She may need a place to crash for a few weeks. Can she take my old room at your house?” Riley asks and piles a fork full of food in his mouth.
“Wait, what? Why can’t she stay here?” I ask looking at the two of them.
Charlie places her hand on Riley’s and responds for him. “Well it’s kind of complicated and Riley doesn’t want Emma’s husband to know that she is staying up here in Boston. So just in case he comes up here we don’t want her in the house.”
“Well then of course she can. It’s not like I’m ever home and I have the extra space.”
“Great, thanks man. I’ll let her know.”
I guess it will be nice to have a roommate again…we will see.
After some convincing on Trent’s part and Andrew twisting my arm, I agree to go out with the crew for a drink after our session has wrapped up. I agree that I’ve been a hermit the past few weeks, but I have a valid reason. The love of my life is now living his life without me.
I walk back to our office to grab my things when a warm arm swings across my shoulders pulling me into a hug.
“Come on Chloe, you can drive with me. I think we have a lot to talk about anyway.” Trent says with a raised eyebrow.
“Trent, don’t give me that look.” I respond.
“Chloe you’re one of my closest friends here in LA. I tell you about my crazy shit everyday at lunch. You can’t keep the fact that you and Derrick broke up a secret.”
The look on his face is that of hurt. He’s right; he has been a good friend to me since we both moved out here.
“Alright, I understand how this could be a bit upsetting for me to have omitted this tiny detail. But to be honest Trent, I really didn’t want to talk to anyone about it.”
“I get it Chloe. I really do, but you shouldn’t hold in this kind of stuff. After all, your family and friends are on the other side of the country and you don’t have anyone here to really turn to for support. Just know that you will always have me as a friend to be there; especially while that douche Lock is all up in your game.”
I laugh off his comment as we walk together to our office. I grab my purse and keys and we’re out the door.
Trent escorts me out of the building and being the gentleman that he is opens the car door for me.
The ride over to the club is quiet and I appreciate the time to think to myself. Telling Trent about Derrick and I is something I really need to do and it may even help to get some of the stress off of my chest. Maybe I’ll invite him to lunch over the weekend and we can chat. Yeah, that sounds good.
“So are you ready for…lights, camera and action when we get here?”
“Umm, I don’t know what you mean. Why would there be cameras? We always come here and no one ever makes a big deal about it.”
“You’re right we always do come here, but you do realize who else is coming here tonight?” He asks giving me a look of amusement.
“Oh.” I reply. It’s really all I can muster.
Andrew is coming out with us tonight. I hadn’t thought about the publicity that will bring with us to our favorite spot. Oh well, we’ll just have to deal with it I guess. I’m still unsure of Andrews’s motive when it comes to him perusing me. He can have just about any girl out there. Why is he constantly harassing me? I shake off my thoughts for a moment as I see the lights of the club ahead.
Trent pulls up to the front of the club. As the valet guy comes over to the car Trent gets out and comes around to open my door for me. There doesn’t seem to be a big commotion outside so he leads me to the entrance and we make our way back to a large section in the back filled with soft leather booths and tables. Since we’re expecting a larger group tonight, this will be perfect.
A few minutes later the rest of the ESPN Live crew come into the club and Trent waves them back our way. Some of the other analysts crowd into our section along with a few of the camera and makeup crew members.
Looking around at all the people that surround me, I never really felt close with that many people here in LA besides Trent. I seem to have put up a guard not allowing many people into my close circle. My real friends and family are all back in Boston, but I chose to move a
way and follow my dreams.
I don’t know if I’m supposed to stretch my wings and start anew now that Derrick and I are no longer a couple. It has been a little over a month since he left…and not a word, text or anything.
I smile as I gaze around this group. This is my family, these are my friends and I believe it’s time to bring down some walls. Indeed it’s time to move on and make new friends, after all LA is my home and nothing is going to change that. Not only do I have these fine people, I also have my Cousin Lucy’s best friend Sam out here. I really need to give her a call. A full girl’s day may be exactly what I need right about now. I haven’t spent a day at the spa since Char was out here for New Year’s. I’m well overdue.
I stand and move toward Trent. He’s talking to another analyst and I don’t want to interrupt their conversation. Instead I put my hand on his shoulder and signal with a nod that I’m heading to the bar.
Being here tonight I have a sense of freedom. I’m not sure if it’s the decision to break down my walls or just being in this environment. I feel happy and that is something I haven’t felt in a few weeks.
I spot an opening up at the bar and slide my way in between a tall guy and a group of ladies. The female bartender flies past me and I breathe out a sigh of annoyance. I feel a warm hand press against my back and hear a whistling sound behind my right ear. The guy next to me rolls his eyes as the female bartender saunters over to the guy invading my space from behind.
“What can I get you tonight handsome?” She asks.
Oh god, I roll my eyes right back at her direct flirting.
“I’ll have two Miller Lite bottles and whatever this beautiful lady wants.” He says moving in closer to my body so that I can feel his legs against the back of mine.
“I’ll have a glass of Moscato, please.” I tell the bartender.
I turn my head to look at this mystery man and once I gaze over my shoulder I see who is pressing his body against me.