"What?" I asked.
"Where's the starter pistol?" Betty demanded. "You can't have a race without a starter pistol."
Inez added, "My brother runs track in high school, and they use one there."
"You have a brother?" I asked. "And he's in high school?" Every time I thought I knew these kids, one of them said something like this that reminded me that I didn't.
"I'll get Merry's .45 out of the oven." Hilly turned to go, but I pulled her back.
"We can't shoot a gun off in city limits," I said.
"Why not?" This question didn't come from the girls but from Hilly.
"It's illegal and dangerous," Kelly said quickly.
Betty shrugged. "Well, can you at least sound like a gun?"
"Hey!" The Kaitlyn who won pouted. "We didn't get that!"
"I'll just yell go again," I said.
All five of the racers narrowed their eyes at me.
Hilly cut me off by yelling, "On your mark, get set, Bang!"
Only she didn't say Bang. She did the single most impressive impression of a gunshot that I'd ever heard. And even though I'd watched her do it, I still went on high alert at hearing the shot—as if it were real.
The five runners happily took off.
"How did you do that?" I asked.
Kelly nodded. She was impressed too.
Hilly waved me off. "It's nothing. A party trick. That's all."
"A party trick?" I couldn't help but ask.
"And it came in handy once in Buenos Aires when I didn't actually have a gun."
"How could that come in handy?" I wondered.
Hilly explained, "I was cornered in an alley and unarmed. But I made that sound and, while they were confused, disarmed one of them and shot them all." She shrugged as if that was just a normal day in the life.
Kelly shook her head and walked up the sidewalk to watch the girls turn back.
"How did you know I kept my .45 in the oven?" I asked. I'd have to move it now that the girls knew where it was.
Hilly shrugged. "Where else would you put it?"
We saw the girls off, and Kelly offered to meet the girls at the zoo in the morning, giving me the opportunity to investigate. Once she was gone, I dragged Hilly back into the kitchen, where I proceeded to polish off half of a half sheet of cake.
"You're not going to use a plate?" Hilly asked.
"Uh, it's already on a plate." I pointed my fork at her, and she immediately wrenched it from my hand. If I hadn't been quick enough, she would have stabbed me instead of the Formica top of the breakfast bar.
"Sorry," she apologized. "Force of habit. Really, Merry, you should know better than to point a weapon at someone like me."
She was right. People in our line of work were trained to react very quickly to a threat no matter what the weapon was. I once saw Riley take down a guy who pointed finger guns at him.
"What did you want to know?" Hilly went to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of wine. Yay! Wine and cake! She poured us each a glass.
"You've got to be kidding," I said. "You killed Wally at the Cornhole and implicated Ron and Ivan. I want to know what happened."
She shook her head. "I didn't kill Wally."
I didn't expect that. It nearly took me off my cake. Fortunately, I was made of sterner stuff, and I carved out another bite.
"Somebody killed Wally and left him in a dumpster." I avoided pointing at her again. "And it wasn't Ron and Ivan."
"How do you know?" Hilly asked. "I was a witness."
"Because I was with them when it happened. I'm their alibi." I pointed toward my other house—the one I shared with Rex across the street. "And Rex is looking for you for questioning."
"Really?" She picked up a fork and started eating the other end of the cake.
"Yes, really. You were the last one to see him alive. You lied and said you saw Ron and Ivan do it. I want to help you, but I need the truth of what really happened."
Hilly set down her fork. "Why didn't you just say you weren't with Ron and Ivan? It would've been so much easier."
I couldn't answer that. Besides, I wanted to stay on topic. "Why did you kill Wally?"
She shrugged but didn't make eye contact. "I told you, I didn't."
I brought up my fork to point at her but, remembering her attempt on the breakfast bar, lowered it. "You're lying. You lied about what you allegedly witnessed. You're lying about this."
Hilly cocked her head to one side. "Why are you so interested in this? It's no big deal."
"If it's no big deal, why have you avoided my calls and texts?"
Hilly frowned and pulled her phone from her back pocket. "You called me ten times? And texted repeatedly. Are you crazy or what?"
"Yeah, that's right. I'm crazy." But there was a little bit of doubt that crept into my mind.
She shrugged. "I don't know what to tell you."
I felt like I was going to explode—were it not for the cake that needed my attention. I tried another track. "What were you doing at the zoo yesterday? When the girls and I saw you, you ran away and vanished."
Hilly snorted. "No one can vanish, Merry. It goes against the laws of physics. Although, one time in Kiribati I was wearing such good camouflage when I was there to pat the bunny that no one spotted me. They just said the bullet seemed to come out of thin air."
That was it. "Stop using those ridiculous euphemisms! I've had it up to here with them! Just say you killed whoever! And admit you killed Wally!"
Hilly stood up. "If you're going to be unreasonable, then this conversation is over."
Just to prove her point, she walked right out of my house. I was so stunned that I forgot that I needed her to explain her comment on Bitsy.
Oh well. At least I had cake.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
"You aren't hungry because you ate half of a half sheet cake?" Rex asked me on the phone.
"Well, technically, it was a quarter sheet cake by the time I got to it."
My husband chuckled softly. "At any rate, I've got to work late. Officer Dooley managed to accidentally knock over both filing cabinets, and it'll take a while to sort through it."
"You have to do that?"
"Yes. There are only three of us here," Rex explained. "I can't just walk out and make everyone else do it."
I melted at his explanation. "You're amazing, you know that?"
"What are you going to do? You still need to eat."
"I'll see if Soo Jin is up for it. But first, I need to hit the library."
He didn't even ask why.
"Why are you reading a book on bird psychology?" Soo Jin asked as she brought me a cup of tea and some cookies. She'd already eaten, but offered to have me over for tea.
"Mr. Fancy Pants is off his Girl Scout cookies," I responded in a sentence I never thought I'd have to say. The vulture was obsessed with the shortbread cookies, and I brought him a box every time I visited.
"Oh no!" She climbed onto the couch, cross-legged. Moneypenny came running, clambered up into her lap, and began purring.
"You know"—I pointed to the cat—"that's really annoying."
"What is?"
"You having a normal cat."
She laughed and tucked her hair behind her ear. It was so adorable that if I'd been a man, I would've proposed on the spot. What was great about Soo Jin was that she was insanely beautiful but didn't seem to know it. In my experience, that's rare. In the CIA, the pretty people knew what their assets were and how to use them. And while that may be practical, it was also annoying.
"Are you crashing here tonight?" she asked. "It's okay."
"I don't want to cramp your style. What about Eddie?"
Soo Jin was dating Iowa State Trooper Eddie Ruiz. He was smart, funny, and handsome, and they made an absurdly beautiful couple.
She waved me off. "He's in DC for a conference." Then Soo Jin did something I'd never seen before. She bit her lip.
I froze. "What's wrong?"
"Oh, I
don't want to dump my problems on you. Your plate is probably overflowing, like usual."
She had no idea.
"It's okay. I've got about an hour before I break into the zoo and feed Mr. Fancy Pants."
Soo Jin laughed. It was melodious and charming, like a babbling brook on a spring day.
"It's no big deal. It's just that Eddie is interviewing for a job while he's there."
"A job?" I asked. "Like…not in Iowa?"
"Yes, that kind. It's for the Secret Service. He's always wanted to do it. It's been a lifelong goal for him."
"But he'd have to move!" I said. "How is that no big deal?"
"Because it is something he's wanted to do since before he met me. He didn't even want to interview, but I insisted."
I thought about this for a moment. "You're amazing. I don't know that I'd be that selfless if Rex wanted to move."
Soo Jin patted my arm. "Of course you would. You'd go with him because you love him."
The question I was dreading. "Would you move out there if he got it?"
She didn't speak for a few moments. "No. I don't think I would. I'm really happy here."
"But would you be really happy here without Eddie?"
She sighed. "It would be very, very hard. I love him."
I pressed on. "If he gets the job, do you think he'll take it?"
"I think he'd turn it down. I wouldn't let him do that."
I studied my friend. "You're a good woman, you know that?"
She smiled. "And you are a good friend."
"Not really, because Mr. Fancy Pants isn't doing too well. I haven't been to see him in a while." Guilt swelled up inside.
And then it struck me that we were both comparing relationship woes, except hers was with a man she loved and mine was with a bird.
I got to my feet. "I'd better go. I can come back after if you want to talk about it more."
Soo Jin shook her head. "No, you go home to Rex. Besides, this isn't a problem unless he's offered the job."
"Do you think he'll get it?"
She sighed again. "There's no doubt in my mind."
On the drive to the zoo, I couldn't help but worry about my friend. What would I do if Rex got a much better offer somewhere else? I'd decided I was never leaving this town again. Traveling around the world really puts the idea of home in perspective.
When I was inadvertently retired early, I stayed in a furnished apartment in DC until the settlement came in. There were no pictures. No tchotchkes. No pets. No friends.
No friends. Well, except for Riley and Kelly. But Kelly and I hadn't seen each other in a while by the time I'd moved back. And Riley had irritated me more than anything else most days. Okay, so now he was a friend, or I'd already have killed him by now.
What a different world I lived in now. I had ten little girls I'd do anything for. A husband I loved and absolutely adored. Two cats who seemed to tolerate my existence, and a dog who loved me for no reason at all. I had Kelly and Soo Jin and a goddaughter. Then there were the twins and Rex's parents, who were now my family.
In fact, my life radiated outward with other friendly acquaintances from half the town. Would I want to give this all up? My heart felt like it was going through Grandma Wrath's old wringer washing machine.
I guess, if Rex really wanted to…well, I'd put that out of my mind until it happened. As far as I knew, he wasn't interested in going anywhere. Besides, right now I had to spend a little time with Mr. Fancy Pants to work on our relationship.
"Hey, Mr. Fancy Pants!" I said cheerily late that night as I once again broke into the zoo.
The vulture stared at me as I came over and sat on the large log we usually shared in his enclosure. I made a big show out of getting the familiar blue box out of my bag, crushing the cookies, and dumping them on the log between us.
"Where have you been?" Dickie squawked accusingly.
"I know—I haven't been a very good friend lately," I responded.
"Make better choices!" the macaw shrieked.
The vulture nosed the crumbled cookies and slowly began to eat. Normally, he ravenously devoured the entire lot in seconds.
This was bad.
"What's wrong?" I found myself asking Dickie, the only bird here who seemed interested in talking to me.
"Mom!" the macaw said. "How many times do I have to tell you not to go through my stuff!"
Dickie wasn't going to be any help at all.
Mr. Fancy Pants nibbled on the crumbs slowly. Every now and then, he fixed me with his googly glare.
"It's because I haven't been to see you, isn't it?" I suggested. "I am so sorry. You come all the way here from the National Zoo, I come see you a couple of times a week to bring you contraband Girl Scout cookies, and then I disappear."
"You're a moron!" Dickie shrieked. "No, you're a moron! Am not! Are too!"
I ignored him. "You have to eat all of this." I pointed to the vulture. "You always do. There can't be any crumbs to implicate me."
The bird's head dropped low, and he turned his back to me. He just stood there with his back to me. Was I being shunned? My heart sank. I could handle just about anything, but being shunned by a large, South American raptor wasn't one of them.
I'd always come to him with my problems. Maybe that's what he needed—to feel important.
"So anyway, as usual, I'm in trouble." I turned my back to Dickie and very quietly explained about Wally, Hilly, Ivan, and Ron. I got animated, using voices and accents. I even acted some of it out.
He never turned to me.
Something was wrong.
I called Soo Jin on my way home to let her know for sure that I wasn't staying over. I thought I'd told her that, but wasn't sure. My emotions were completely compromised. Between Mr. Fancy Pants not doing well, my friends Hilly and Riley as major suspects in the murder of someone I used to know, the twins and their bad idea relationships with Ivan and Ron, and finding myself as Beetle Dork, these were strange days.
"No worries, Merry!" she said.
Something popped into my mind. "Hey, I have a question about the crime scene. When you found Wally in the dumpster, what else was in there?"
Was Wally behind the comics? Maybe he was B.E. Nuff! Wait. What was I thinking? Wally was barely literate and couldn't even draw a stick figure. But maybe someone involved with the comic had done him in. Why hadn't I put those together? It would let Hilly and Riley off the hook. And maybe I'd get lucky and it would be Bitsy.
"There wasn't anything in the dumpster," Soo Jin answered. "I had to climb up and over to get in just to investigate."
Nothing?
"Okay, thanks!" I hung up before she asked me to explain myself.
I glanced into the back seat where the two bags still were. Once I got home, I retrieved the one from my purse (it had become somewhat battered, so I couldn't give it to the druids anyway) and sat down on the couch with a glass of wine to read.
Rex texted that he was taking the officers out for a late dinner, which was just as well because otherwise I wouldn't be able to read the Adventures of Beetle Dork.
Sure enough, I wasn't hallucinating as I turned to the first page. Hey, why didn't I get more of a costume? And why did my colleague get to gun the baddies down if I was the superhero?
The next few pages were even more humiliating as Harold made zippy one-liners as he arrested the men he didn't kill. I just put the cuffs on everyone. Which was bizarre because we were more the zip-tie-and-hood-over-your-head agency.
Harold had to be behind this. Maybe Wally stumbled upon him as he was trying to dump the comics? I liked that idea. But it still didn't explain why Hilly told the police she witnessed the murder.
And the only reason I could think of her doing that was if she was covering for her, Riley, or both. What about Bitsy? Hilly seemed confused that she was in town. But did that rule her out? I hoped not.
I pulled up my laptop and looked up Harold. To my complete surprise, I got it on the first try. And what the
hell? He was in politics—as a town councilman in Bladdersly. How did I not know that? It was only ten miles away.
Harold was in Bladdersly. To be fair, I couldn't think of a more appropriate place for that idiot. How long had he been there? At least a year or two or he couldn't have run for alderman. But then again, it was Bladdersly. Newcomers with half a brain were probably seen as smart.
I made a note of his phone number and checked out his Facebook page. Turned out he was acting in a community theater play the next day. Tomorrow I was going to find Harold and do terrible things to him with the comic book.
Leonard whimpered softly, so I took him outside. As the motion sensor light came on like a metaphorical lightbulb, I had an idea. I was going to deal with Riley and Bitsy. It was late, and if I interrupted something or woke them up, I wasn't going to feel bad at all.
As I parked across the street, I faced a dilemma. Did I ring the doorbell or just let myself in? If Riley wasn't going to answer the door, I'd use my key. But if they were naked, well, that made my decision for ringing the doorbell. I didn't want to know what they'd been doing with that candle wax.
I knew Riley had a motion sensitive light on his front porch, so there was no point in peeking through the windows. Besides, the living room light was on. I rang the bell.
It took a few moments, but Riley answered the door wearing a T-shirt and pair of pajama pants. I brushed past him. He looked amazing like always, but then, that's how he woke up in the morning. It was patently unfair. When I woke up, my short, curly, dirty blonde hair stuck up all over as if I'd used glue as hair gel.
"I was expecting you earlier." He grinned. "What took you?"
"I had a king vulture emergency," I said. "Where's Bitsy?"
"In the shower." Riley was still grinning.
I wanted to punch that smile off his face. Instead, I sent him in to alert her to my presence and tell her to join us.
Sitting down on his sofa, I motioned for him to take one of the armchairs.
"You've been avoiding me," I tut-tutted.
He grasped his chest in mock fear. "I have? Oh no!"
Macho Man Murder Page 12