Macho Man Murder

by Leslie Langtry

  "I'm sure Randi and Ronni will take you shopping at some point." I'd have to make a trip to the store to get them at least some clothes.

  The tour ended with my demanding they never, ever went to the basement, on pain of death. They agreed. The basement was where I kept all my old spy craft equipment. Even my troop didn't know it was down there, but I'd be willing to bet that Hilly did.

  Ron was already in the kitchen rooting through the fridge. "You have very healthy food."

  "Check the cupboards," I said. I always kept a stash of junk food there.

  The men found a box of Twinkies and studied it carefully.

  "That's good stuff," I said as I looked through the window to the backyard, just in case Bitsy was there with a flame thrower.

  The men tore into them and moaned with delight. Within minutes, they had eaten the whole box.

  Ivan swooned. "This is delicious!"

  "American food is the best!" Ron agreed.

  "Yeah, well, don't get too comfortable," I grumped.

  The two men looked at each other.

  "You are mad at us?"

  "No, I'm not. I'm actually worried. Do you remember Bitsy?"

  "The one who fixed your mistakes?" Ivan asked.

  I closed my eyes and counted to three before answering. "She didn't fix any of my mistakes. Anyway, I think she killed Wally, and she's probably going to try to kill you too."

  The questions I expected never came.

  "You aren't worried?"

  Ron shrugged. "No. People were always trying to kill us back home."

  "This makes us feel more at home here," Ivan said.

  "Oh great. I feel so much better." I didn't really because it meant their defenses would be down.

  The door opened. I spun around and assumed a defensive stance. It was Rex.

  "Hey." He kissed me then spotted the men.

  "Gentlemen." Rex walked over, hand out. "Nice to see you again."

  Ron and Ivan grinned dopily, each taking a turn at shaking my husband's hand.

  "So nice to see you again, Merry's husband policeman!" Ivan said eagerly.

  "You can call me Rex," my husband invited.

  "Rex!" Ron and Ivan said at the same time.

  My husband looked at me, and I realized I hadn't filled him in on Bitsy yet. He'd been asleep when I got home. I needed to get these clowns locked down so that I could tell him what I knew.

  I clapped my hands. "Oh. Right. So there are some rules. No going outside unless one of us is with you."

  Ivan nodded. "Because Bitsy wants to kill us."

  Rex's right eyebrow went up, but he didn't say anything.

  I handed Ron a box. "Here's a cell phone I bought you this morning, and here's my phone number so that you can call me if anything weird happens."

  "We have phone!" Ron tore open the box with Ivan looking over his shoulder.

  Ivan looked disappointed. "Not an iPhone?"

  I needed to put a stop to the Merry Wrath money train. "Not an iPhone. The twins can buy you those. This is just a generic phone."

  "Does it have Bluetooth?" Ivan asked.

  "Can we surf the web?" Ron added.

  Ivan held it up and took a picture of me. "What kind of camera does it have?"

  "Look. You can make calls, take mediocre pictures, and text. That's it."

  "What about phone numbers of our fiancées?" Ron wondered.

  Taking the phone back, I entered Randi's contact info on it. I had no idea if Ronni had a phone. Since they were always together, I'd always called Randi.

  Just then the door flew open and my sisters-in-law blew in, each running into the arms of their intended. I really needed to lock that door.

  "Thank you, Merry!" Randi crossed to me and crushed me in a hug. "This is the happiest day of my life!" She turned to Ronni, who scowled from Ron's arms. "Don't you have something to say to Merry?"

  "Thanks. Whatever." For once Ronni didn't scream the message at me or speak in exclamation marks. Maybe she finally was warming up to me.

  "We are going to take the boys to the shop," Randi said.

  Rex and I looked at each other and shrugged. I guessed we couldn't stop them.

  "Take the cell," I insisted. "And close the shop for the day and lock up."

  "Why?" Randi was now holding Ivan's hand.

  "Because former CIA agent housemaid wants to kill us," he said to his intended.

  "Let's go!" Ronni shouted.

  No one asked me for clarification. Well, Rex looked at me questioningly, but I gave him a brief nod.

  We walked back to our house after they'd gone.

  "Well, they're out of my hands now."

  Rex shut the door behind us. "What did they mean by the CIA housemaid wants to kill them?"

  "Remember when I told you I thought Bitsy was the killer?"

  I told him everything from Ahmed to the hotel. I took a risk doing that. Rex hated it when I took chances. Lately, I'd begun to believe he was resigned to it.

  My husband rubbed his face with his hands. "Merry, why didn't you just call me? We could've gone in and taken her in. You shouldn't have done it alone."

  "I wasn't alone. Riley was with me."

  My husband stared at me. "It sounds like she's really mad at you. And if what you say is true, that she killed Wally, then I'd say you're a target as much as the guys are."

  "Which is good. We can spring a trap," I suggested.

  Rex looked at me for a long time. There was no doubt in my mind that he was trying to figure out a way to lock me up until Bitsy was captured. Finally, he got to his feet.

  "Where are you going?"

  "To the hotel. You do realize that the hotel will probably be calling once the maids get in there and see the broken window, right?"

  "Yes. But Riley was going to handle that."

  Rex came and sat down next to me, taking my hands in his. "You don't work for the CIA anymore. No matter how many times I try to explain that, you run around like you're in some third-world country, constantly in danger."

  "Yes, but…" I started.

  He shook his head. "This is Who's There, Iowa. Sheriff Carnack is in charge of the county. I'm the law in town. And we have the Iowa State Police for backup. What we don't need is the CIA."

  I squeezed his hands. "I know, but…"

  "Merry," he said, silencing me. "At first this was something you had to get out of your system. But now it's just you interfering with local law enforcement. You take on too many risks that you don't need to take on."

  "I get that." I didn't. "But Bitsy will employ CIA tactics. I have more experience with this kind of thing."

  "I see what you're saying. But you are making this all personal. As if you are the only person in the whole world who can handle this."

  Huh. Was he right? Did I think that? I guess I did since I'd said I had a personal investment.

  "Okay. I get it. Head to the hotel and find out what you can." I gave him Riley's room number and Bitsy's. I didn't mention Hilly staying there under an assumed name. I thought there was too much going on to include her.

  She still was on my list. She'd been the last person to see Wally alive, and she refused to tell me what had happened. I didn't want her to be on the list. But she was.

  My cell went off. It was Kelly.

  "Hey, Kelly. I'm kind of busy right now…"

  "You'd better get over to the zoo immediately. Mr. Fancy Pants' enclosure." And then she hung up.

  It felt like my veins were being flushed with ice water as I grabbed my keys and ran for the van. I was there in a few minutes, paying my fee and racing through the zoo. Mr. Fancy Pants must've taken a turn for the worse.

  That would be awful. Either he would die or they'd send him back to Washington DC, and I'd never see him again. I steeled myself as I walked into the building. Dr. Wulf was there with a couple of staff members. So was Kelly. No one else was in there.

  I turned toward the glass and stopped dead in my tracks.

>   Mr. Fancy Pants was walking along a giant tree limb, wings out as he strutted. And on the floor, looking less than impressed, was a female king vulture covered in black feathers. On the wall behind them was a large piece of paper. And in a handwriting that was very familiar to me, written in crayon, were the words, You're Welcome.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  "You found him a mate?" a man with a nametag that indicated he was the Avian Curator asked. "Without telling any of us?"

  Dr. Wulf glared at me while answering. "No, I didn't."

  Kelly was shaking her head but said nothing.

  Betty had kidnapped a female king vulture. And somehow smuggled it in. Of that I had no doubt.

  "How did she manage it?" Kelly finally asked me.

  "Like I know? We shot down that idea, remember?"

  Dr. Wulf was trembling from either fear or fury.

  "The girls kidnapped this female from another zoo??? This was not in the plan!"

  Fury. Definitely fury.

  "I'm so sorry," I apologized. "I can't believe they did this!"

  "Where do you think the girls got the bird?" Kelly asked. "St. Louis?"

  Dr. Wulf's fists were clenched. "You know, I gave you a lot of carte blanche, Mrs. Ferguson. I bent over backward to work with your troop. I didn't have to do that. But this! This is too much!"

  "Are you saying," avian man asked, "that little girls did this?"

  "Yes," Kelly, Dr. Wulf, and I all answered in unison.

  "Oh." He looked at Dickie, who was pretending to sleep. I knew this because he winked at me.

  "To be honest," I ventured, "Mr. Fancy Pants looks idiotically happy."

  The bird looked at me, and I could swear he grinned.

  "That's not the point!" Dr. Wulf's voice went up about a thousand decibels. "We do not steal animals from other zoos!"

  "And we don't just throw new animals in with each other!" Her rant continued. "We gradually introduce them to make sure they are compatible!"

  I nodded along because I had nothing to argue with. The girls had screwed up. And while I was relieved that Mr. Fancy Pants was okay, I realized that we would probably never have access to him or any other animals at the zoo again.

  "What should we do?" the bird guy asked.

  Dr. Wulf took him aside, and they studied the birds while debating what steps to take next.

  "What exactly happened at that meeting you had with Dr. Wulf?" I asked Kelly.

  She shook her head. "Not this. She explained how it would take time to request a mate and that it wouldn't probably happen for months. The girls said nothing about taking matters into their own hands."

  I stared at Mr. Fancy Pants as he paraded back and forth in front of the female. "I guess they're about to find out how consequences work."

  For years, I'd let a lot slide. Things had kind of come to a head a few weeks ago when the troop had gotten involved in some dangerous guerilla warfare at the Civil War reenactment. But this…this was another level.

  "You do realize this is your fault," Kelly said.

  "My fault? Mine?" I started to protest but realized she was right. "I know." I slumped.

  Kelly studied my face. "I'm worried that the troop will get in trouble with the Council."

  "I'm worried they'll get in trouble with the FBI. They stole a female vulture from a zoo in another state and brought her here."

  We considered this in silence as we watched the birds. The female had started to warm up to Mr. Fancy Pants. While the male had a colorful head and snow white feathers, the female was less brightly marked. Her plumage was dark, and she lacked the coloring on her head and wattle.

  "This might be the end of our troop." Kelly sighed wistfully.

  "Or the end of Betty." I was glum.

  The Council would most likely not disband the troop but might require the chief troublemaker to be expelled.

  "I don't want to be part of a troop that doesn't include Betty," Kelly said.

  "Me neither. She's a pain in the butt but definitely makes things interesting."

  This was it. I was thoroughly demoralized. And although Betty had done it, the fault lay squarely with me. We were going to get in a lot of trouble from the Feds, the St. Louis Zoo, the Smithsonian…

  "Hey!" Hilly said as she joined us, seemingly coming out of nowhere. "You see the new girl?"

  Kelly spoke up before I did. "You did this?"

  "Of course!" Hilly admitted.

  I sighed heavily. "Hilly, I don't think you understand how much trouble we're in. You can't just steal a bird from another zoo and throw her in with a strange vulture."

  She looked at me curiously. "What do you mean?"

  A tall, older man with an expensive suit and easy grin walked in. "So sorry I'm late. Oh! I see you introduced them already?"

  Dr. Wulf's jaw dropped. "Dr. Goldberg?" She reached up and straightened her hair and dress.

  "Who's this?" I asked Hilly.

  "This is Dr. Fred Goldberg. He's the Senior Ornithology Curator for the Smithsonian!"

  There was a pause as we all digested this information.

  "I delivered the bird as per your request, Dr. Wulf," Dr. Goldberg said. "I see you put them together right away."

  Dr. Wulf looked stricken. I couldn't tell if she'd been chastised or not. I still had no idea how Hilly knew Dr. Goldberg but was very relieved that the girls hadn't stolen the female from the zoo.

  "I would've quarantined her for a short while." He went over and peered through the glass where Mr. Fancy Pants was preening through the female's feathers. "But I'm impressed with how it's going. Well done!"

  "Hilly." I pulled her away. "You know this guy?"

  She rolled her eyes. "Of course I do."

  I waited for her to elaborate. She didn't.

  "What happened here exactly?" Kelly asked at last.

  Dr. Wulf looked at her gratefully for asking what she could not.

  Dr. Goldberg's eyebrows went up. "Senator Mike Czrygy called and explained your predicament."

  Dad came through!

  "And your troop sent us a very convincing plea." He smiled at Hilly. "Delivered by my friend Ms. Vinton here. She informed me that the situation was dire. And since we were quite fond of the male when he was with us, we brought the female post haste." He smiled at Dr. Wulf. "Of course, there's a considerable amount of paperwork to be done, but it sounded like a case of life or death."

  "So Betty didn't do this?" I asked Hilly quietly.

  "No. But she made the sign. I put it up when I moved the bird in this morning."

  "Dr. Goldberg," Dr. Wulf said. "I'd love to give you a tour of our facilities."

  He smiled at her. "I'd love that."

  The avian curator shrugged and walked away.

  "Thanks for helping," I said to Hilly. "But next time, please keep us in the loop."

  She shrugged. "Okay."

  I continued, "Now can you please go see Rex and give your statement?"

  "Yes, I said I would."

  The three of us walked out to the parking lot together as I told them what had happened with Bitsy.

  "You don't know where she is, do you?" I asked Hilly.

  Hilly cocked her head to one side. "No. But I think I'll head back to the hotel and see what Riley knows." She started walking toward a rental car.

  I called after her. "You'll probably see my husband there."

  Hilly drove away. Kelly looked as if she wanted to say something but instead gave me a hug, got in her car, and left.

  Since I couldn't make heads or tails about what had just happened and why I hadn't gotten in trouble, I opened the van door and got inside. I was just pulling forward when a little kid broke away from her mom and darted out in front of me. I slammed on the brakes. The girl's mother made apologies as she dragged the child away.

  Out of the corner of my eye, something rolled out from under the passenger seat. Throwing the car into park, I reached over and grabbed it. It was a pen with Riley's logo on it. When w
as he last in my car? And when did he get pens? It must've fallen out some time ago. I put it in the glove box and continued on.

  I was just turning off Main Street when a car passed me. A car with a passenger who looked a lot like Bitsy. I made a U-turn and followed her. Reaching for my cell, I accidentally knocked it onto the floor. Great. Now I couldn't call anybody.

  Bitsy kept going until we were out of town. I knew where we were. The moment I got my license at sixteen, I had driven every one of these back roads over and over under the pretense of picking up milk for Mom or running an errand for Dad.

  She was heading out to a small industrial park. We passed two businesses that sold propane and then drove a little farther to a large warehouse. There were no cars parked in front. Was it abandoned? I drove back to the main road like I was lost and turned toward the two propane shops.

  In my rearview window, I spotted Bitsy as she darted into the warehouse. Why was it always a warehouse? There were too many places to hide. Too many unknown variables. Was she staying there now that she'd busted out of her hotel room? Was this where the comics were stored? And most importantly, did she know that I'd followed her? It was possible that she came here just to throw me off.

  If that was the case, I was in trouble because I didn't have a weapon. How was I to know I'd come across the woman? I drove back to the warehouse and parked next to her car. No windows meant she might not see me coming. I grabbed my cell from the van floor and called Hilly, who didn't answer, and then Riley, who also didn't answer. I texted both that I'd found Bitsy.

  Was I really going to do this alone? Yes. What if she got away? Rex's words that she might be here to also kill me rang in my ears. I called Rex and had to leave a voice mail, but I needed to deal with this now. Besides, Hilly and Riley were probably both on their way. I did, however, need a weapon.

  An idea occurred to me, and I went around to the back of the van. I opened it up and dug around to find my tire spoon (and yes, it's actually called that). It wasn't the greatest defensive weapon, but it was all I had. I'd bought it originally thinking it was a tire iron. When I realized my mistake, I kept it because it sounded fun. I never did get a tire iron.