by Kelly Oram
The hospital hadn’t been for me, but it did make me realize that I should be doing more with my life. But what? I spend the whole morning thinking really hard about this question and am determined to come up with an answer. Or at least a possibility or two.
Wes knows he wants to be a doctor. He’s already working on his general college credits even though he isn’t done with high school. He’s going to graduate with an associate’s degree at the same time as he gets his high school diploma and will hopefully be accepted into Columbia’s premed program. He’s even going to try to get scholarships and grant money to help pay for it since his family has racked up so many hospital bills.
“Bailey.”
He has a plan. Even though he’s been through the same loss as me—more loss—he doesn’t let it beat him. He hasn’t fallen apart and given up on life.
“Bailey.”
Seeing him live and deal with everything so maturely makes me feel pathetic. I don’t want to be that weak anymore.
“Earth to Bailey!”
I blush and offer a sheepish smile to my sister. I hadn’t even realized she’d joined Charlotte and me in the lunch line.
“Are you okay?”
Charlotte nudges me gently with her elbow. “She’s been like that all day.”
Julia’s brow creases with worry. “Oh, Bailey, please don’t do that. Don’t zone out again.”
Her words strike guilt into my heart. “I’m not,” I promise. “I’m just tired. I haven’t slept much the past two days.”
Her worried frown deepens with disbelief.
“I’m okay,” I insist. “I promise I’m just exhausted and I have a lot on my mind. Waking up from a living coma is a lot to process. You know that pins and needles feeling you get when your foot falls asleep and it starts to wake up again?”
Both Julia and Charlotte cringe. “I hate that feeling,” Charlotte says with a shudder.
“That’s kind of what this feels like,” I admit. “I haven’t dealt with anything since Spencer’s death. I shut down and closed myself off from everything because it hurt too much to deal with. I’ve been asleep for a year. Now I’m waking up, and it’s all hitting me at once. It’s a lot, but I finally realize I have to deal with it. Maybe I’m a little out of it, but I promise I’m not going to turn into Zombie Bailey again.” I hold my fist out to my sister with my pinky finger extended. “Pinkie swear.”
Julia narrows her eyes at me as she hooks her pinkie through mine, sealing my promise for good. In her eyes, there is no greater power than the pinkie swear. That’s okay, because I don’t intend to break it. She relaxes once the oath is complete. “Okay. Good. Because I need you. And not just for your popularity.” She hesitates and then says, “Okay, at the moment I need you for your popularity, but I also need my big sister.”
I roll my eyes and she shrugs, chagrined.
“Explain,” I say as I reach the front of the lunch line. Unwilling to gamble on the school’s so-called spaghetti and meatballs, I opt for the cold lunch choice and accept a ham sandwich and a bag of potato chips.
Charlotte wisely avoids the hot meal, too, and grabs a salad. Julia is either very brave or very stupid, because she grabs a tray filled with the questionable red mush. “I need to sit with you and Charlotte today, and if you know any cute older guys you could introduce me to, I would love you forever.”
Relieved to see Julia acting like her normal self, I chuckle. “What happened?”
She frowns. “You were right about Jake’s brother. He’s a total player. I thought he liked me. He asked me out, even, but when I wouldn’t make out with him on the first date, he asked Shelly Dupree to homecoming instead of me.”
“Jerk,” Charlotte says.
I nod in agreement. “Tools, both of them.”
“Right,” Julia agrees. “But, see, now all my friends are, like, feeling sorry for me and pitying me because I got played and dumped or whatever. I need a hot date to the dance with someone either older or more popular than Colin so that people will stop talking about me.”
I hate that Julia is so obsessed with popularity and what people think of her, but at the same time I can understand her wanting to save face in front of her peers. I decide to throw her a bone. Maybe I’m still feeling guilty about ignoring her for the past year, or maybe I just want to help my baby sister feel better. (Or maybe I’m just a hopeless matchmaker.)
“Okay, I’ll help you find a date—on one condition.”
Julia’s eyes get wide. “Yes. Anything. What?”
“You don’t worry about the popularity thing, and go on the date because the guy I want to set you up with is a really nice guy, and I think you could have fun together.”
“Who?” Charlotte’s eyes gleam with excitement.
Julia groans. “Oh, come on. He’s a nerd, isn’t he? Of course he is. This is you we’re talking about. What is it with you and Mom and your love of geeks?”
I glance around the cafeteria and quickly find my orchestra friends. There are a few empty seats at their table—which is perfect. “He’s a geek,” I agree. There’s no use in trying to deny it. Julia will know the second I introduce them. “But he’s a cute geek. And he’s really sweet. And he’s smart, and creative. And he’s a junior…”
Julia’s eyebrows fly up. “A junior? You’d let me go out with a junior?”
I shrug as I lead Julia and Charlotte toward my friends. “He’s a young junior. He skipped a grade. And he’s pretty shy and really nice, so I’m not worried about him treating you badly. But yes, he’s a junior. Which I believe will work as a decent compromise and still help with your dilemma.”
Julia studies my face for a minute, considering the deal, and reluctantly agrees. “Fine. But if he turns out to be totally lame, you’re helping me find someone cool to date after the dance.”
I’m smiling when we reach their table. Julia is going to love Yuri as long as she gives him a chance. But then I remember everyone is mad at me when I see their wary faces, and my confidence falters. I can’t back out, though. I promised to help Julia, so I force a smile onto my face and say, “Hey, guys. Do you mind if we join you today?”
Everyone at the table looks from me to Charlotte, and their eyes get big. Our friends may be mad at us, but we’re still doubtlessly two of the most popular girls in school, and we’ve just asked to eat lunch with them. I never even did that when I was dating Spencer. As much as I liked my orchestra friends, we always just sat at my table with Trisha and crew.
It’s Henry who speaks up finally. “Yeah, go ahead.”
I try not to let my relief show as the three of us sit down, but I do give Henry a grateful smile. He and Amelia are sitting together, and the way he’s got his arm around her, I know their relationship has become official since I gave them a not-so-subtle nudge at Jake’s party.
“I’m really glad to see things are working out between you guys,” I say when they both notice my grin. “I knew it would.”
Both Henry and Amelia blush. I don’t want to embarrass them, so I keep the conversation going. “Have you guys all met Charlotte? And my sister Julia?”
As introductions are made, I emphasize Yuri’s name and point out some of his finer qualities as well as his single status. I then point out Julia’s awesomeness and explain to the entire group that she has unfortunately found herself dateless for the dance. I don’t even have to suggest anything to Yuri, because he’s already sneaking contemplative glances at Julia.
She checks him out, too, and I can see that she’s surprised. Yes, Yuri is labeled a dork because he’s in the orchestra and skipped a grade, but if high school were even remotely fair, he’d be one of the cool kids. He’s more of a hipster than a nerd, and he really is cute. I can so see him running a trendy advertising agency or something someday. He’ll be perfect for someone as obsessed with world trends as my sister.
While they strike up casual conversation, I finally dig into my lunch. After a minute, Amelia’s hand comes down on
mine. I look up to meet hers and Henry’s shy smiles. “Hey Bailey, um, we’re really sorry about the party,” she says quietly.
She bites her bottom lip while Henry ducks his head, cheeks pink with shame. “We shouldn’t have believed Trisha about you and Wes. Spencer was our friend, but so are you.”
“We know you wouldn’t have cheated on him,” Amelia says. “And of course we don’t blame you for his accident. Whatever really happened that night, we know it was a misunderstanding.”
My nose tingles, and my eyes start to sting. I’m so touched by their apology and relieved by it. Charlotte’s been my savior since Jake’s party, but I really don’t want to go the rest of the school year with no other friends. “Thanks,” I choke out around a lump in my throat. “That means a lot to me.”
“Well, you mean a lot to us,” Amelia says. “You’re a great friend, and we’ve really missed you this past year.”
“It’s good to see you smiling and talking to people again,” Henry adds.
My chest fills with warmth. “It’s good to be smiling and talking to people again.”
Charlotte’s arm comes around me in a friendly hug. I smile and lean into her, gratefully accepting the show of support. When I look across the table at Amelia and Henry, my eyes mist over. “I’ve really missed you guys, too.”
It’s during orchestra after lunch, when I’m surrounded by some of my favorite people who all share my greatest passion, that I realize what I want to do with my life. Music has always made me happy. It’s always been my biggest love—aside from Spencer—and it’s always been a great escape for me. I don’t know why I’ve never considered it as a career path, but the moment I think about possibly going to a musical college, I know I won’t be happy with anything else.
The rest of the day goes by slowly because I’m anxious to tell my idea to my guidance counselor. She’s been so worried about me since Spencer’s accident, and so patient with me, that I want to share the good news with her. I want her to see that I’m starting to get better, to really heal.
I ask Mr. Thatcher if I can cut out of class ten minutes early so that I can go see my guidance counselor. He writes me a pass without questioning me at all. When I get to the office ten minutes before the last bell, I greet Mrs. Rutherford with a smile that startles her. She quickly finds her own smile, though, and takes the pass in my hand. “Well, hello, Bailey. What can I do for you, sweetie?”
“Is Mrs. Schneider available?”
“I’m here!” Mrs. Schneider calls from her open office door. “Come on in!”
Mrs. Schneider is sitting at her desk filling out some kind of paperwork. I knock on the open door, and she looks up to greet me with a smile. “I thought you might stop by today.”
She gestures to one of the chairs in front of her desk and explains as I take a seat. “I got a call from the hospital asking if I had another student to place in the internship program because you’d quit.”
It’s not a question, but she’s waiting for an answer. Her smile is glued in place, but it looks brittle, like she’s trying not to let me see how disappointed she is.
“Yeah, I did.” I hand her my signed form. “My hours were complete, and as much as I appreciate you giving me the opportunity, the hospital just isn’t the right place for me.”
I hold up my hand to stop her when she tries to start lecturing me. “I know why you did it, Mrs. Schneider. I understand that I needed a push. I know I’ve been a living zombie for the last year.” She frowns at my terminology but doesn’t interrupt me. “You did the right thing. Sending me there helped me see that I need to be more active again. I’m not giving up; that just wasn’t the right activity for me. That internship should go to someone who would genuinely like to pursue the medical field.”
She watches me a moment, as if trying to decide the best way to proceed with me. Finally, she nods. “Okay. I can respect that. If you don’t enjoy the hospital, you shouldn’t have to continue on. But I worry about you not having any other activities planned. I know you’re only a junior now, but you really should start thinking about the future. I think having a goal to work toward and getting involved with something—anything—will help you get past the depression you’ve been struggling with.”
I nod. “I think so, too, and I’ve been trying to figure out what I want to do. I was thinking I’d really love to major in music. I love the violin so much, and I’m really good at it. I know I might be a little behind with my grades and extra activities and stuff, but do you think there’s a chance I could still go to The Berkeley School of Music or something like that?”
To her credit, Mrs. Schneider tries to hide her shock. She really does. But she’s too excited by my change of heart to mask it completely. “Oh, Bailey! I think that would be a wonderful idea! Why don’t you let me do some research? I’ll look into a few possible schools and their requirements, and then we can sit down and take a look at your situation, and we’ll make a plan.”
Her enthusiasm is a little embarrassing, and I’m relieved when the bell sounds, signaling the end of the school day and giving me an excuse to leave. I offer her a tentative smile as I rise to my feet. “Thanks, Mrs. Schneider. A plan would be nice.”
“We’ll figure it out.” She’s still beaming as I exit her office. In fact, she gets up and watches me from the doorway as I leave the front office and head back out into the main hallway.
Julia is waiting for me at our car, like always, but I blink twice, certain I’m seeing things when I recognize the person waiting with her. She and Wes are chatting like they’re old friends. Well, Julia is chatting away. Wes is standing there listening to her prattle on with an amused smirk that suggests he thinks she’s as crazy as me but in a normal fourteen-year-old girl way and not a certified lunatic way.
“Hey, girl. How’d it go with the counselor?”
I turn to Charlotte. “Good, I guess. She’s going to help me look into music schools.”
“Awesome.” She nods her head toward my car. “What’s Wes doing here? I thought you said you guys had a huge falling out.”
“We did.” I shake my head, unable to fathom his sudden appearance.
We share a glance and then make our way to my car together. Wes stands up straight when he sees us approach. He looks nervous, and it puts me on edge. I don’t know what to say, so I wait for him to speak. His skateboard is leaning against the grill of my car, and he grabs both straps of the backpack on his back. He looks as wary as me when he softly says, “Can we talk?”
An array of emotions bombards me. I’m angry. I’m scared. I feel sorry and guilty. I’m heartsick. And I’m hopeful. That’s the one that startles me. I’d told myself I was finished with him, but the second I saw him, my heart started to race. The softness and sincerity in his voice creates a longing in me that is impossible to ignore. Why does he do this to me? How does he have so much control over me? I love it and I hate it at the same time.
“Is it just going to be another fight?” I ask, struggling to sound calm and confident even though I’m anything but.
His brow creases, and he lifts a shoulder into a shrug. “I hope not.”
I want to say no. I’m tired of this game. Tired of hurting because of him. But I know I’m going to hear him out—whatever is on his mind.
“Ride home with me today?” Charlotte asks Julia.
My sister is eager to accept, and for once it’s not because Charlotte is older and popular and has a fancy car. They both give me small good luck smiles and disappear, leaving Wes and me alone.
Awkwardness fills the air around us. It’s stifling despite the cool fall breeze nipping at our noses. “Are you going to the hospital?” I ask, grasping for any way to push us into motion so we aren’t just standing there staring at each other. When he nods, I gesture toward the car. “Hop in. I’ll drive you.”
Wes sags in relief at my indirect acceptance of our coming conversation and heads for the passenger door. As I fish for my keys, Trisha walks past us w
ith Liz, Jake, and Chase. She scoffs loudly as she passes by on Wes’s side of the car. “Good to see you, Wes.”
She doesn’t sound like she’s happy at all, but Wes mutters a semi-polite “Hey” anyway.
She turns a cruel smirk in my direction. “Want to tell me again that there’s nothing going on between you?”
I open my mouth to deny it, same as always, but Wes snaps at her before I can. “What business is it of yours if there is?”
Trisha rears back, snapping her mouth shut. I’m as taken aback as she is. What did he mean by that? Why didn’t he just tell her the truth? That there is nothing going on between us, and there never was.
The rest of my old friends watch on with shock and fascination. They don’t care if Wes and I are together. Liz and Jake are just interested in witnessing the drama and having new, juicy gossip to spread around. Only Chase looks upset, and his frown is one of disappointment, not anger. I don’t know what Trisha’s problem is.
Trisha recovers from her surprise and sneers in disgust. “I saw you guys together in Jake’s parents’ room the night Spencer died. I saw—”
“You saw me kiss Bailey. I kissed her. It was one kiss that she immediately told Spencer about. Spencer forgave her that night. He never even blamed her. It’s my fault Spencer died. Not Bailey’s. She loved Spencer and would never have hurt him on purpose.”
He takes a breath as if finished with his rant but then rakes his hands over his head and shouts, “Why do you even care? You didn’t even like Spencer!”
“I—”
“Just back the hell off, Trisha; stop spreading lies about us, and stay the hell out of our business!”
Wes’s outburst throws the entire student parking lot into silence. Stunned just doesn’t seem to cover it. Once Trisha breaks out of her stupor, she glances around, taking note of all the kids now gaping our direction. Her face flushes from humiliation. She has no argument, so she settles for glaring at us both and stomps off with a haughty huff.