by Holly Smale
I am literally never telling him where my mum has been for the past three months. ‘Oh, Jamie. That’s awful for you.’
‘But there’s something about you,’ he continues, taking another tiny step forward. ‘You’re not like those girls, Hope. You seem … whole. Happy. Comfortable with being who you really are.’
He’s getting so close I can feel his breath on my nose.
This is it!
I glance down and I’m pretty sure there’s light coming out of my fingertips. Can everyone else see it too?
‘I don’t date, either,’ I blurt as – I swear – the tips of my toes start hovering slightly off the ground. ‘I mean, I’ve literally never dated anyone. Or been asked out by anyone. This is the first date I’ve ever had.’ I take a deep breath. ‘I’ve … never kissed anyone, either.’
Jamie smiles warmly. Then he takes one last step, puts a hand under my chin and tilts my face towards him, just like he did on the train.
‘Yet …’
He hesitates long enough for me to feel like I’ve told the whole universe to pause. Like this moment will stand still forever.
Then JAMIE leans forward and the world starts moving again and the soundtrack explodes and HOPE’s foot pops out and her heart bursts and there’s glitter and lights and sound everywhere.
And he kisses me.
The next week is a glorious montage:
HOPE AND JAMIE standing on either side of the Changing of the Guard at Buckingham Palace in the rain, wearing fake moustaches and laughing.
HOPE AND JAMIE wandering down Brick Lane, hand in hand, eating bagels and staring in shop windows to point at interesting vintage items.
HOPE AND JAMIE jumping across the meridian line in Greenwich, then kissing with one foot on each side.
HOPE AND JAMIE sitting on the kerb in Covent Garden, watching an acrobat and clapping.
HOPE, beaming with pride, watching JAMIE as he successfully rides a unicycle.
HOPE AND JAMIE playing the Beatles on a phone and dancing on the famous zebra crossing.
I give each date five stars.
In fact, if they were a film, I’m pretty sure it would be reviewed as Unmissable; a Critically Acclaimed Masterpiece; a Must-see For The Whole Family.
Day after day, all the way across London – just like Mum and Dad during The Heart of Us – until it isn’t a stand-alone movie any more and it isn’t even a sequel. This romance is a franchise, complete with branded T-shirts and a plastic toy version of us kissing forever.
Every morning, there’s a beep on my phone.
Every morning, I wake up to read –
Good morning, beautiful! How did you sleep? Tower of London today? xx
Or
I woke up thinking about you! Have you ever been to Trafalgar Square? xxx
Or
I miss your face and it’s only been twelve hours :( xxx
And every morning I am so happy.
Happier than I’ve ever been before; happier than I even knew was possible. It’s like there’s a huge, warm well of joy inside me and it’s so big it’s splashing over everything, every time I move.
Covering the whole world with joy.
‘… and he’s got these little gold hairs on his hairline and he can speak Spanish and he never wears socks and he’s a really good kisser and he only likes the best Colombian coffee and when he sneezes he goes wwwhhhaaatccchaaa and there are freckles on his fingers and did I mention the gap between his front teeth and—’
‘Take a breath,’ Faith laughs from my bed. ‘Or you’re going to fall over and then you’ll have a gap between your front teeth too.’
I lasted four seconds before telling her.
By the end of our first official date, I was so giddy I couldn’t hold it in any more.
‘Hey, how was your af—’ said Faith and I exploded.
‘OH MY GOSH, EFF, I’VE MET THE ONE AND HE’S PERFECT AND I’M SO HAPPY I’M GOING TO EXPLODE.’
Then I swore her to solemn secrecy.
I originally wanted to keep it all to myself, but Olivia, Madison and Sophia just weren’t being enthusiastic enough so I had to tell someone.
‘Isn’t love wonderful,’ I tell Effie, twirling round my room with the train book in my arms. I’ve been twirling all week: I am now a human fidget spinner. ‘You never know when it’s going to strike. It’s so unexpected, so transformationalistic, so— Look.’
I shove the book triumphantly in Effie’s face.
‘Wow,’ she blinks at the front cover. ‘A book about ancient steam trains. That’s so … sweet. What does it mean?’
‘Oh, nothing.’ I beam at her. ‘Just an in-joke. You know how it is with couples. We have our very own language that nobody else can possibly understand. It’s basically code.’
Then I glide round my bedroom, straightening all my cute mementos of our dates on their shelf: Jamie’s fake moustache, five train tickets, an empty coffee cup, a bit of dried grass, a flake crumble from my ice cream, a tiny crust of salted-beef bagel.
Then I look pityingly at my kissing poster.
Where is the passion? Where is the soul connection? Where is the joonysaykwa? I always thought they were so perfect, but now I can see they’re just a poor imitation of how good a kiss can be.
‘You’re literally glowing.’ My sister smiles, stretching her leg in the air and pulling on her toes with her hand. ‘It’s lovely to see you so happy.’
I beam. ‘I’m not just happy, Eff, I’m Happy Girl Lucky. People have always said that’s what I am, but I’ve never really understood the expression before … because why can’t boys be it too? But now it truly capsules me perfectly.’
‘It does,’ Faith laughs. ‘And I’m so pleased, Po. I mean, yes, it’s all happening quite fast, but—’
I flash her a dark look.
‘Not fast, as such,’ she corrects hastily, putting her leg down. ‘That’s not what I meant. Just … intense, you know. Like whoa, fireworks. But I guess sometimes when you know, you know, right?’
‘It’s called a whirlwind romance,’ I explain patiently, sitting on the bed next to her and patting her hand. ‘Not a light breeze romance, Faith. It’s madly in love, not sane in love. Crazy for someone. Swept off your feet. Love is supposed to be all at once. Otherwise, they’d call it … prodded off your feet or something.’
‘Gently nudged.’ Effie smiles. ‘Elbowed into love.’
I stroke her arm sympathetically. ‘Did you know straight away with Noah too?’
Faith wrinkles her beautiful nose, yawns and stretches. ‘Nooooo. I’m not sure I’m really a love-at-first-thing kind of person. For me, love’s more like … mould. It grows slowly where it’s happiest … In the right conditions. When it’s getting what it needs.’
‘Like a damp bathroom or an old sandwich.’
My sister grins. ‘Exactly. I didn’t really fancy Noah when we met. He ended up writing this terrible love song and I told him I didn’t like it.’ She pulls a face. ‘It was his first Number One so I guess my musical critiquing is no longer required.’
‘Well,’ I say, patting her shoulder reassuringly, ‘don’t worry, Eff. I’m sure not every great love story clicks straight away. It doesn’t mean yours isn’t every bit as good as mine.’
‘Phew.’ She smiles, then sits up straight and clears her throat. ‘Po, baby … I know you thought Mum and Dad were going to be home after the premiere last Friday. I saw the breakfast you left for them.’
I flush. In all the excitement, I forgot to clear it away.
‘Well, yes,’ I admit in embarrassment, ‘but I reckon Dad got totally caught up in Los Angeles with work. And Mum’s probably not ready for a big party just yet – it would be way too much for her. Stupid me.’
Faith puts her arm round me and kisses my curls.
‘You’re not stupid,’ she whispers into my hairline. ‘But you didn’t come to see Mum last weekend, either, and it’s the first time you’ve missed a visit. Is everything
OK?’
Honestly, I was trying to be sensitive.
The newspapers printed a blurry photo of Mum wandering around the grounds of the rehab place the next day, and she looked terrible. Frankly, if my mother was prepared to miss her own celebrity party and skip wearing mascara for the first time ever, she must be truly exhausted. The least I could do was give her a lie-in.
Although I did also send Dad a text on Tuesday that said:
WHERE WERE YOU I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU MISSED THE PREMIERE COME HOME NOW PLS xxx
But all I got back was:
Haha, bossy little mousebear, am on set, I’ll ring again in the week, love you xx
Which is not what I was looking for.
‘Mum needed sleep,’ I say firmly. ‘Her horoscope for the day pacifically told me that. So Jamie and I went to King’s Cross, to visit Harry Potter’s trolley. Did I show you the photos of us with our scarves pretending to blow behind us?’
Faith laughs. ‘One or fifteen times. He’s very gorgeous.’
‘Right?’ I glow, patting her head. ‘But don’t you worry, Eff. Noah’s quite cute too.’
My phone beeps and I jump up.
Counting down the minutes until I see you. :D xxx
Alarmed, I glance at my watch.
I got so caught up talking about Jamie and thinking about Jamie and dreaming about Jamie and singing the Jamie song that I forgot I’m meeting actual Jamie in fifteen minutes.
‘We’ll continue this love chat about our guys later, Eff!’ I shout, jumping up, grabbing Mercy’s handbag and sticking on the neon trainers Faith just took off. ‘I’m borrowing these, OK? Oooh, and I haven’t told you yet how fast Jamie can run. Like, super fast. He’s very talented and also kind and hot and interesting and funny.’
Then I bounce down the stairs.
‘Hope?’ Mr Gilbert emerges from the study with even fluffier eyebrows than normal. ‘You haven’t been in class all week. And I can’t get hold of either of your parents, so could we possibly sit down and—’
‘Later!’ I call to him. ‘I’ll study later!’
Because life is here and life is now and YOLO: You Only Love Once.
So I’m doing it as hard as I can.
Cancer: June 21–July 22
The moon is in Scorpio, leading to great emotional intensity for you today. Your mind is at its sharpest so enjoy the clarity of observation and perception!
This is now date eight.
Not including the three minutes when Jamie and I met, which I do actually include because that was the moment when both our lives changed forever. So that’s nine dates. Plus, hours and hours of phone calls every evening, dozens of texts every day, Good Morning and Goodnight photos … that’s at least an extra day: ten dates.
Obviously, I know what’s coming next.
I’ve been steadily preparing for it all week, playing every scene again and again – tweaking, editing, erasing, starting from the beginning with a brave eye for a fresh, endearing perspective.
Although honestly they’re all so lovely. Maybe at the end I’ll include the cuts that don’t make it with a delightfully insightful commentary.
JAMIE
Hope, we’ve only technically known each other eight days, but it feels like we’ve never not known each other. So—
HOPE
Shhh –
She puts a finger on his lips.
HOPE (CONTINUED)
You don’t need to say it, Jamie. I can always tell what’s in your heart.
JAMIE
But I want to say it. I need to say it.
HOPE
(humbly taking her finger away) OK then, go ahead.
JAMIE
Will you be my … girlfriend?
A wave of giddiness soars through me – I just love that! – then I pause.
Is it … iconic enough?
This is a one-shot take that won’t be easily repeated, so I need to make sure that it’s going to anchor this love story and immortalise it forever. Such a huge shame we’re meeting in Richmond Park and not, say, on a moonlit bridge in 1943, but maybe I can change the background later.
Let’s run through it again.
JAMIE
Hope, maybe it’s too soon …
HOPE
(firmly)
It absolutely is not.
JAMIE
But there’s something I need to ask you. Will you be my—
More direct?
JAMIE
Please, Hope. Be my girlfriend. I can’t live any longer if you’re not.
Kind of pathetic. How about something more spontaneous?
HOPE
(makes funny joke)
JAMIE
Hahahahaha! I can’t believe my girlfriend is such a dork.
HOPE
Did you just call me your …
JAMIE
(smiling)
Well, aren’t you?
Bingo.
Then we’ll have a snowball fight and he’ll cram a snowball gently in my face. I’ll pretend to be upset and then attack him back, and we’ll fall over laughing before he wipes the snow from my face and kisses me tenderly.
It’s not snowing so I’ll have to do that in Special Effects too.
Grinning, I skip down the path.
As soon as it’s all official, I’m going to launch an exclusive screening of The World’s Most Perfect Boyfriend to Mercy and watch her face disintegrate with disbelief: it’s going to be awesome.
‘Good morning!’ Jamie’s standing by the entrance to the park, staring at his phone, and he looks so adorable in his STOP CLIMATE CHANGE jumper that I run the last few steps and fling myself round his neck.
‘Sorry I’m late. I got caught up chatting to my sister about you. She’s so excited for us. I can’t wait for you to meet her.’
Then I kiss him, hard, on the lips.
When I pull away, my stomach spins with triumph: Jamie is distant and preoccupied. Obviously, he’s deliberating over our next big scene too. It is incredibly momentous, pivotal to the entire shape of the plot (some might say).
Maybe I can nudge him sensitively in the right direction.
‘Shall I tell you a good joke I heard recently?’ I chirp, jogging him with my elbow. ‘What do you call a warehouse that makes OK products? A satisfactory, hahahahaha.’
JAMIE
Hahahahaha! I can’t believe my girlfriend is such a dork.
Jamie smiles slightly.
‘Very cute.’ Then he takes my hand and kisses my knuckle. ‘You’re looking extremely pretty today, Hope. Even prettier than usual.’
We start walking down a flowering path. There are yellow daffodils and white snowdrops and long waving grasses. Maybe I won’t have to do much editing at all: add a few bluebirds and a couple of ducks and this setting could do quite nicely, thank you very much.
‘It’s luxury moisturiser,’ I explain serenely. ‘It’s famous and it costs hundreds of pounds because it’s got actual silver and actual platinum in it.’ It’s also Mercy’s, but, until she works out how to lock her window, the contents of her room are a free-for-all as far as I’m concerned.
Jamie laughs. ‘Your face is jewellery.’
‘My face is always jewellery.’ I give him a dazzling smile and a toss of my curls. ‘Do you like my outfit?’
It’s Mercy’s black knee-length pencil skirt, a neon-yellow vest and pink trainers from Effie, and a Cartier gold necklace and earrings from Mum’s room. You wouldn’t think they go together, but somehow I’ve made it work because it’s just a skill I have.
‘You’re gorgeous.’ Jamie smiles. ‘As always.’
There’s a long silence.
‘Oooh!’ I say, abruptly reaching into my handbag. ‘I nearly forgot! I brought you something …’
With pride, I hand him an orange rectangle. Every night this week I’ve come home from our dates and drawn a little cartoon on it: a bagel, a juggler, a moustache, an umbrella. I’m not really an artist, but I’m pretty su
re you can see what they are apart from the unicycle.
‘Hope,’ Jamie says, turning it over. ‘Is this the train ticket from the evening we met?’
‘Yup. I drew your jacket in the corner. Look.’
‘No way.’ He closes his turquoise eyes briefly. ‘This is the sweetest, most thoughtful thing any girl has ever done for me. Hope, I am falling in love with you so hard.’
I freeze, suddenly winded.
He’s … what?
At best I was aiming for official girlfriend status, but this is … I didn’t … I’m not sure I’m quite …
Taking a deep breath, I glance around where we’re standing, trying to quickly recalibrate the scene again.
‘I’m falling in love with you too,’ I whisper because that’s my line.
Jamie smiles, leans forward and gives me a soft, sweet kiss on the lips. He lingers until my spotlight starts burning so brightly the entire park fades out.
‘Which makes this much more difficult to say.’
‘Ask,’ I laugh as the light keeps spreading over the trees, down the roads, all the way through London. ‘You mean more difficult to ask. I haven’t said yes yet. You can’t take anything for granite, not even me.’
‘I mean,’ Jamie continues distractedly, ‘obviously, we’ve both known the situation from the start – there was no need to talk about it. And there was never the right moment, you know? It’s all been so magical I didn’t want to break the spell.’
I hold my breath. ‘That’s exactly the word: magical.’
‘It was better to keep things organic, you know? But it can’t be put off any more, so—’
This must be so hard for him.