Did you ever hear anything Crazier than that?
[illustration: a man with 21 heads, each with a different kind of expression (some look grouchy, some happy, some surprised), is walking toward the preceding page. The head on top is wearing a hat.]
[43] SNAKE PROBLEM
It's not that I don't care for snakes, But oh what do you do
When a 24-foot python says . . .
[illustration: at the bottom of page 44, stretching into page 45, a long python is twisted into the words I love you. He's looking at a little boy. The boy is standing with his hands clasped behind his back looking as if he doesn't know what to do.]
54
[illustration of the poem on page 47: a large bear sitting in the refrigerator; the boy is peering from behind the open door. There are grapes and a broken dish with spilled liquid on the floor. The fridge is full of food.]
BEAR IN THERE There's a Polar Bear
In our Frigidaire--
He likes it 'cause it's cold in there.
With his seat in the meat
And his face in the fish
And his big hairy paws
In the buttery dish,
He's nibbling the noodles,
He's munching the rice,
He's slurping the soda,
He's licking the ice.
And he lets out a roar
If you open the door.
And it gives me a scare
To know he's in there--
That Polary Bear
In our Fridgitydaire.
55 SUPERSTITIOUS
If you are superstitious you'll never step on cracks. When you see a ladder you will never walk beneath it.
And if you ever spill some salt you'll throw some 'cross your back, And carry 'round a rabbit's foot just in case you need it.
You'll pick up any pin that you find lying on the ground, And never, never, ever throw your hat upon the bed, Or open an umbrella when you are in the house.
You'll bite your tongue each time you say A thing you shouldn't have said.
You'll hold your breath and cross your fingers Walkin' by a graveyard,
And number thirteen's never gonna do you any good.
Black cats will all look vicious, if you're superstitious, But I'm not superstitious (knock on wood).
[illustration at top of page: a hand with very long fingers, one entwined around the other.]
56
Oh, the blithery, blathery pirate (His name, I believe, is Claude), His manner is sullen and irate,
And his humor is vulgar and broad.
He has often been known to imprison His friends in the hold dark and dank, Or lash them up high on the mizzen, Or force them to stroll down a plank.
He will selfishly ask you to dig up Some barrels of ill-gotten gold, And if you so much as just higgup, He'll leave you to fill up the hole.
He may cast you adrift in a rowboat (He has no reaction to tears)
Or put you ashore without NO boat On an island and leave you for years.
He's a rotter, a wretch and a sinner, He's foul as a fellow can be,
But if you invite him to dinner, Oh, please sit him next to me!
[illustration: at the top of the page, a pirate's head - hat with skull and crossbones, large pointed nose, long bushy beard]
49 HURK
I'd rather play tennis than go to the dentist.
I'd rather play soccer than go to the doctor.
I'd rather play Hurk than go to work.
Hurk? Hurk? What's Hurk?
I don't know, but it must be better than work.
50
ANCHORED
Our anchor's too big for our ship, So we're sittin' here tryin' to think.
If we leave it behind we'll be lost.
If we haul it on board, we will sink.
If we sit and keep talkin' about it, It will soon be too late for our trip.
It sure can be rough on a sailor When the anchor's too big for the ship.
[illustration: a boy and 2 girls are sitting in a boat. The boy is holding a rope attached to a very large anchor, which is resting on the bottom of the lake under the water. The water and sandy bottom extend from page 50. In the water next to the boat is a little fish. The boat is near the shore.]
51 UNSCRATCHABLE ITCH
There is a spot that you can't scratch Right between your shoulder blades, Like an egg that just won't hatch Here you set and there it stays.
Turn and squirm and try to reach it, Twist your neck and bend your back, Hear your elbows creak and crack, Stretch your fingers, now you bet it's Going to reach--no that won't get it--
Hold your breath and stretch and pray, Only just an inch away,
Worse than a sunbeam you can't catch Is that one spot that
You can't scratch.
[illustration: a man with his hands twisted around trying to scratch his back]
52 SQUISHY TOUCH
Everything King Midas touched
Turned to gold, the lucky fellow.
Every single thing I touch
Turns to raspberry Jell-O.
Today I touched the kitchen wall (squish), I went and punched my brother Paul (splish).
I tried to fix my bike last week (sploosh), And kissed my mother on the cheek (gloosh).
I got into my overshoes (sklush), I tried to read the Evening News (smush), I sat down in the easy chair (splush), I tried to comb my wavy hair (slush).
I took a dive into the sea (glush)--
Would you like to shake hands with me (sklush)?
[illustration: a little girl with curly hair looking up, as if talking to the reader. She is standing in what looks like a pile of suds. Behind her, in the suds, is a woman's face, a leg sticking up, a bike wheel, a shovel, and the back of a chair. ]
53 IMPORTNT?
Said little a to big G,
"Without me,
The sea would be
The se,
The flea would be
The fle.
And earth and heaven couldn't be Without me."
Said big G to little a,
"Even the se
Could crsh nd spry,
Nd the fle would fly
In the sme old wy,
Nd erth nd heven still would be, Without thee."
[illustration: A very big capital G talking to a smaller lower case a ]
54 THUMB FACE
There is a face upon my thumb--
I did not paint it there--
With pointy ears and winky eyes
And greenish bristly hair.
I keep it hidden from my friends So that they will not stare.
It has a little twisty mouth,
And yellow teethies, too.
It snickers when I hold my fork, It giggles when I'm blue,
And laughs and laughs and laughs At everything I try to do.
[illustration: a very large hand with a thumb with a face on it looking at the other four fingers]
55 HOMEWORK MACHINE
The Homework Machine, oh the Homework Machine, Most perfect contraption that's ever been seen.
Just put in your homework, then drop in a dime, Snap on the switch, and in ten seconds' time, Your homework comes out, quick and clean as can be.
Here it is--"nine plus four?" and the answer is "three."
Three?
Oh me . . .
I guess it's not as perfect
As I thought it would be.
[illustration on pages 56 & 57: a boy at the bottom of page 56 is holding a piece of paper that's coming out of a very large machine, shaped like a right triangle, inside of which are many gears, pulleys, etc., and another boy sitting inside writing on a piece of paper.]
69
[illustration: 8 balloons with strings hanging down floating]
EIGHT BALLOONS Eight balloons no one was buyin'
All broke loose one afternoon.
Eight balloons with strings a-flyin', Free to do what they wanted to.
; One flew up to touch the sun--POP!
One thought highways might be fun--POP!
One took a nap in a cactus pile---POP!
One stayed to play with a careless child--POP!
One tried to taste some bacon fryin'--POP!
One fell in love with a porcupine--POP!
One looked close in a crocodile's mouth--POP!
One sat around 'til his air ran out--WHOOSH!
Eight balloons no one was buyin'--
They broke loose and away they flew, Free to float and free to fly
And free to pop where they wanted to.
58
ATIONS
If we meet and I say, "Hi,"
That's a salutation.
If you ask me how I feel,
That's consideration.
If we stop and talk awhile,
That's a conversation.
If we understand each other,
That's communication.
If we argue, scream and fight,
That's an altercation.
If later we apologize,
That's reconciliation.
If we help each other home,
That's cooperation.
And all these ations added up
Make civilization.
(And if I say this is a wonderful poem, Is that exaggeration?)
[illustration: a girl and a boy bowing to each other]
59 MUSICAL CAREER
She wanted to play the piano,
But her hands couldn't reach the keys.
When her hands could finally reach the keys, Her feet couldn't reach the floor.
When her hands could finally reach the keys, And her feet could reach the floor, She didn't want to play that ol' piano anymore.
[illustration: a girl with long, stringy hair sitting on a piano stool in front of an upright piano. Her fingers are on the keys but her feet are dangling. A piece of piano music is propped in front of her, a little too high for her to see. On top of the piano is a plant.]
60 ANTEATER
"A genuine anteater,"
The pet man told my dad.
Turned out, it was an aunt eater, And now my uncle's mad!
[illustration: an anteater looking at a pair of high-heeled shoes with straps.]
61 BUCKIN' BRONCO
Can you ride the buckin' bronco?
Can you stay in that ol' saddle
Till your teeth begin to rattle?
Can you whoop and bounce
And stick upon his back?
Can you ride the buckin' bronco
While he's snortin' smoke and kickin'
And your stomach starts to sicken And you feel as though
Your spine's about to crack?
62
I can ride the buckin' bronco,
I'll just sit up here and whistle Till his strength begins to fizzle And he knows that I'm
His master finally.
Yes I'll tame the buckin' bronco, You can see me settin' easy.
Here's the buckin' bronco,
Here is me.
[illustration on pages 62 and 63: on the outside edges of both pages, near the bottom, are people in stands at a rodeo cheering. In the center is a large bucking bronco. At the edge of p. 63, near the top, is a pair of booted feet, horizontal, indicating that the rider has been thrown off the bronco. There is an arrow from the line Here is me pointing to the feet.]
63 SNAP!
She was opening up her umbrella, She thought it was going to rain, When we all heard a snap
Like the clap of a trap
And we never have seen her again.
[illustration: a closed umbrella with a pair of feet sticking out from it.]
64 OVERDUES
What do I do?
What do I do?
This library book is 42
Years overdue.
I admit that it's mine
But I can't pay the fine--
Should I turn it in
Or hide it again?
What do I do?
What do I do?
[illustration: a man looking very confused, hugging a book to his chest.]
65 WILD STRAWBERRIES
Are Wild Strawberries really wild?
Will they scratch an adult, will they snap at a child?
Should you pet them, or let them run free where they roam?
Could they ever relax in a steam-heated home?
Can they be trained to not growl at the guests?
Will a litterbox work or would they leave a mess?
Can we make them a Cowberry, herding the cows, Or maybe a Muleberry pulling the plows, Or maybe a Huntberry chasing the grouse, Or maybe a Watchberry guarding the house, And though they may curl up at your feet oh so sweetly, Can you ever feel that you trust them completely?
Or should we make a pet out of something less scary, Like the Domestic Prune or the Imported Cherry, Anyhow, you've been warned and I will not be blamed If your Wild Strawberry cannot be tamed.
[illustration: a very large strawberry with short legs and sharp teeth]
66 HOW TO MAKE A SWING
WITH NO ROPE
OR BOARD OR NAILS
First grow a moustache
A hundred inches long,
Then loop it over a hick'ry limb (Make sure the limb is strong).
Now pull yourself up off the ground And wait until the spring--
Then swing!
[Illustration: going up the right-hand side of the page is a tree trunk. From a branch at the top of the page hangs a long string looped under a boy's nose. Apparently it is his moustache, and he is swinging, hands clasped around h
is knees]
67
GUMEYE BALL There's an eyeball in the gumball machine, Right there between the red and the green, Lookin' at me as if to say,
"You don't need any more gum today."
[illustration: gumball machine on 4 long legs; an eye is among the gumballs.
68 HOT DOG
I have a hot dog for a pet,
The only kind my folks would let Me get.
He does smell sort of bad
And yet,
He absolutely never gets
The sofa wet.
We have a butcher for a vet,
The strangest vet you ever met.
Guess we're the weirdest family yet, To have a hot dog for a pet.
[illustration: a boy is holding a hotdog behind him on a long string. He's looking back at the hotdog with a not-too-happy look on his face. He seems t o
be wearin
g
one-piece pajamas]
77
[illustration: a Frisbee]
ADVENTURES OF A FRISBEE The Frisbee, he got tired of sailing To and fro and to;
And thought about the other things That he might like to do.
So the next time that they threw him, He turned there in the sky,
And sailed away to try and find
Some new things he could try.
He tried to be an eyeglass,
But no one could see through him.
He tried to be a UFO,
But everybody knew him.
He tried to be a dinner plate,
But he got cracked and quit.
He tried to be a pizza,
But got tossed and baked and bit.
He tried to be a hubcap,
But the cars all moved too quick.
He tried to be a record,
But the spinnin' made him sick.
He tried to be a quarter,
But he was too big to spend.
So he rolled home, quite glad to be A Frisbee once again.
78 COME SKATING
They said come skating; They said it's so nice.
They said come skating;
I'd done it twice.
They said come skating;
It sounded nice. . . .
I wore roller--
They meant ice.
[illustration: a girl's head from the nose up peer
ing through cracked ice; apparently she'd fallen through. She has a cap on her head.]
71 THE MEEHOO WITH AN EXACTLYWATT
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Me!
Me who?
That's right!
What's right?
Meehoo!
That's what I want to know!
What's what you want to know?
Me who? Yes, exactly!
Exactly what?
Yes, I have an Exactlywatt on a chain!
Exactly what
on a chain?
Yes!
Yes what
?
No, Exactlywatt! That's what I want to know!
I told you---Exactlywatt!
Exactly what
?
Yes! Yes what?
Yes, it's with me!
What' s with you?
Exactlywatt--that's what's with me. Me who?
Yes!
Go away!
Knock knock . . .
[illustration on pp. 72 & 73: Behind a door a face peeks out. Knocking on the door is a creature with a smiling face holding by a chain a very large blob with feet, one eye, and a cap on its head]
79
[illustration: at the side of p. 74, on the top, is a clown's face with a false nose; at the bottom is a leg with a very large shoe.]
CLOONY THE CLOWN I'll tell you the story of Cloony the Clown Who worked in a circus that came through town His shoes were too big and his hat was too small, But he just wasn't, just wasn't funny at all.
He had a trombone to play loud silly tunes, He had a green dog and a thousand balloons.
He was floppy and sloppy and skinny and tall, But he just wasn't, just wasn't funny at all.
And every time he did a trick,
Everyone felt a little sick.
And every time he told a joke,
Folks sighed as if their hearts were broke.
And every time he lost a shoe,
Everyone looked awfully blue.
And every time he stood on his head, Everyone screamed, "Go back to bed!"
And every time he made a leap,
Everybody fell asleep.
And every time he ate his tie,
Everyone began to cry.
And Cloony could not make any money
Simply because he was not funny
.
[74] One day he said, "I'll tell this town How it feels to be an unfunny clown."
And he told them all why he looked so sad, And he told them all why he felt so bad.
He told of Pain and Rain and Cold, He told of Darkness in his soul, And after he finished his tale of woe, Did everyone cry? Oh no, no, no, They laughed until they shook the trees With "Hah-Hah-Hahs" and "Hee-Hee-Hees."
A Light in the Attic Page 2