And they have two twistable kids Who bend up the way that they did.
And they turn and they stretch
For this Bendable Foldable
Do-what-you're-toldable
Easily moldable
Buy-what-you're-soldable
Washable Mendable
Highly dependable
Buyable Saleable
Always available
Bounceable Shakable
Almost unbreakable
Twistable Turnable Man.
[illustration: a man with arms and legs all twisted around him]
138 BATTY
The baby bat
Screamed out in fright,
"Turn on the dark,
I'm afraid of the light."
[illustration: a bat with big eyes and a pointy nose looking afraid]
142
[illustration: From the left side of p. 140 to the right side of p. 141
is stretched a group of children of all shapes: round and thin, bald and with hair, boys and girls, and a baby. Some are stretching a banner that says Union for Children's Rights. Various others are holding poles with signs that say UCR; STRIKE! STRIKE! FOR CHILDREN'S RIGHTS; LONGER
WEEK ENDS; SHORTER SCHOOL HOURS; HIGHER ALLOWANCES; LESS
BATHS AND SHOWERS; NO BRUSSEL SPROUTS; MORE ROOT BEER; AND SEVENTEEN SUMMER VACATIONS A YEAR; IF YOU'RE READY TO STRIKE-LINE UP RIGHT HERE ]
143
[illustration: a hand holding a long feather]
HITTING Use a log to hit a hog.
Use a twig to hit a pig.
Use a rake to hit a snake.
Use a swatter to hit an otter.
Use a ski to hit a bee.
And use a feather when you hit me.
CATCHING
I tried to catch a cold
As he went running past
On a damp and chilly
Afternoon in autumn.
I tried to catch a cold,
But he skittered by so fast
That I missed him--
But I'm glad to hear you caught him.
142
DEAF DONALD
Deaf Donald met Talkie Sue
But
[picture of 3 boys signing: hand with thumb pointing to self; hands crossed over chest; knuckles pointing to other person]
was all he could do And Sue said, "Donald, I sure do like you."
But
[picture of 3 boys signing: hand with thumb pointing to self; hands crossed over chest; knuckles pointing to other person]
was all he could do And Sue asked Donald, "Do you like me too?"
But
[picture of 3 boys signing: hand with thumb pointing to self; hands crossed over chest; knuckles pointing to other person]
was all he could do "Good-bye then, Donald, I'm leaving you."
But
[picture of 3 boys signing: hand with thumb pointing to self; hands crossed over chest; knuckles pointing to other person]
was all he could do And she left forever so she never knew That [
hand with thumb pointing to self; hands crossed over chest; knuckles pointing to other person]
means I love you.
156
[illustration: an octopus under the water]
144 HAVE FUN
It's safe to swim
In Pemrose Park.
I guarantee
There are no sharks.
[illustration: a girl swimming toward the preceding page, where the octopus is under the water]
145 DOG'S DAY
They could have sung me just one song To kind of sort of celebrate.
Or left a present on the lawn
A juicy bone, a piece of steak--
Instead of just a candle on
This lump of dog food on my plate.
But no one cares when a dog was born, And this ain't much of a birthday cake.
[illustration: a dejected-looking dog with a nightcap on his head. Next to him is a dish piled high with dog food with a lit candle stuck in it.]
146 SKIN STEALER
This evening I unzipped my skin
And carefully unscrewed my head, Exactly as I always do
When I prepare myself for bed.
And while I slept a coo-coo came As naked as could be
And put on the skin
And screwed on the head
That once belonged to me.
Now wearing my feet
He runs through the street
In a most disgraceful way,
Doin' things and sayin' things
I'd never do or say,
Ticklin' the children
And kickin' the men
And dancin' the ladies away.
So if he makes your bright eyes cry Or makes your poor head spin,
That scoundrel you see
Is not really me--
He's the coo-coo
Who's wearing my skin.
[illustration: a strange-looking creature with 3 hands and 3 feet pulling on a suit of skin as if it were a pair of pajamas. He has one leg and one hand in it, but it's too short for him. He has one eye and a wide grinning mouth.]
147 LADIES FIRST
Pamela Purse yelled, "Ladies first,"
Pushing in front of the ice cream line.
Pamela Purse yelled, "Ladies first,
Grabbing the ketchup at dinnertime. Climbing on the morning bus
She'd shove right by all of us
And there'd be a tiff or a fight or a fuss
When Pamela Purse yelled, "Ladies first.
Pamela Purse screamed, "Ladies first,
When we went off on our jungle trip. Pamela Purse said her thirst was worse And guzzled our water, every sip.
And when we got grabbed by that wild savage band Who tied us together and made us all stand In a long line in front of the King of the land--
A cannibal known as Fry-'Em-Up Dan, Who sat on his throne in a bib so grand With a lick on his lips and a fork in his hand, As he tried to decide who'd be first in the pan--
From back of the line, in that shrill voice of hers,
Pamela Purse yelled, "Ladies first.
[illustration: the poem is on p. 148. At the bottom, in the left corner, is a girl with her hand raised apparently shouting Ladies first.
On the facing page, p. 149, is a fat cannibal king with a wreath on his head and big smile on his face. In his right hand is a fork and in his left, a knife. He sits on a throne which h as two skulls on the top of it.
]
148 & 149 FROZEN DREAM
I'll take the dream I had last night And put it in my freezer,
So someday long and far away
When I'm an old grey geezer,
I'll take it out and thaw it out, This lovely dream I've frozen,
And boil it up and sit me down
And dip my old cold toes in.
[illustration: an old man wrapped in a blanket sitting in a high-backed chair with his feet in a pail of what looks like water - but the pail is marked DREAM #5]
150 THE LOST CAT
We can't find the cat,
We don't know where she's at,
Oh, where did she go?
Does anyone know?
Let's ask this walking hat.
[illustration: a large woman's hat with 4 little black feet sticking out from underneath, walking toward the right.]
151 GOD'S WHEEL
God says to me with kind of a smile, "Hey how would you like to be God awhile And steer the world?"
"Okay," says I, "I'll give it a try.
Where do I set?
How much do I get?
What time is lunch?
When can I quit?"
"Gimme back that wheel," says God, "I don't think you're quite ready yet."
[illustration: spreading over the bottoms of pages 152 and 153 is a very large top half of the world with a large steering wheel on top.
A small boy is standing on part of it below the wheel talking
to an unseen Being above.]
152 SHADOW RACE
Every time I've raced my shadow
When the sun was at my back,
It always ran ahead of me,
Always got the best of me.
But every time I've raced my shadow When my face was toward the sun, I won.
153
CLARENCE
Clarence Lee from Tennessee
Loved the commercials he saw on TV.
He watched with wide believing eyes And bought everything they advertised--
Cream to make his skin feel better, Spray to make his hair look wetter, Bleach to make his white things whiter, Stylish jeans that fit much tighter.
Toothpaste for his cavities,
Powder for his doggie's fleas,
Purple mouthwash for his breath, Deodorant to stop his sweat.
He bought each cereal they presented, Bought each game that they invented.
Then one day he looked and saw
"A brand-new Maw, a better Paw!
New, improved in every way--
Hurry, order yours today!"
So, of course, our little Clarence Sent off for two brand-new parents.
The new ones came in the morning mail, The old ones he sold at a garage sale.
And now they all are doing fine: His new folks treat him sweet and kind, His old ones work in an old coal mine.
So if your Maw and Paw are mean
And make you eat your lima beans And make you wash and make you wait And never let you stay up late
And scream and scold and preach and pout, That simply means they're wearing out.
So send off for two brand-new parents And you'll be as happy as little Clarence.
[154]
[Illustration: On the right-hand side of the page, Clarence's parents, in bathrobes and slippers, are standing on the doorstep looking surprised.
Clarence, dressed in short overalls and a short-sleeved shirt, is running happily, arms upraised, off the doorstep to welcome his new parents, who are sitting in the mailbag that's atop the mailman's back. They are smiling at Clarence.]
155 RHINO PEN
Tell me then,
Of all you've seen,
What could be more preposterous
Than forgetting your pen
And writing a theme
With
The
Horn
Of
A
Patient
Rhinoceros?
157
[illustration: A row of students sitting at schooldesks starts at the bottom right-hand side of page 156 and continues across the bottom of page 157.
The boy at the first desk is writing with the horn of a rhinoceros. The rest of the very big rhino is floating upside down
above him. Behind the boy are a girl
writing with a fountain pen; a boy with glasses writing with a ball-point pen; and a girl writing with a fountain pen. Inkwells are on the desk of the first boy and the girl behind him.]
158 IF
If I had wheels instead of feet And roses 'stead of eyes
Then I could drive to the flower show And maybe win a prize.
PUSH BUTTON
I push the light switch button and-- click
--the light goes on.
I push the lawn mower button and-- voom
--it mows the lawn.
I push the root beer button and-- whoosh
--it fills my cup.
I push the glove compartment button-- clack
--it opens up.
I push the TV button and- zap
--there's Wyatt Earp.
I push my belly button . . .
BURP!
158 KIDNAPPED!
This morning I got kidnapped
By three masked men.
They stopped me on the sidewalk, And offered me some candy,
And when I wouldn't take it
They grabbed me by the collar,
And pinned my arms behind me,
And shoved me in the backseat
Of this big black limousine and
Tied my hands behind my back
With sharp and rusty wire.
Then they put a blindfold on me
So I couldn't see where they took me, And plugged up my ears with cotton So I couldn't hear their voices.
And drove for 20 miles or
At least for 20 minutes, and then Dragged me from the car down to
Some cold and moldy basement,
Where they stuck me in a corner
And went off to get the ransom
Leaving one of them to guard me
With a shotgun pointed at me,
Tied up sitting on a stool . . .
That's why I'm late for school!
[illustration: a blindfolded girl sitting on a box, arms and legs chained and ropes wrapped around her legs and arms and body.]
159 SUSPENSE
Oh Murdering Jack
Tied Louise to the track
In a plan that was grisly and gory, While back in the shack
Was her Marvelous Mack,
Held prisoner there by the Outlaw Suntory.
Then the wolf pack attacked
And then down from the stack
With six-guns ablaze jumped young Billy McClory.
A CRASH! And a CRY! And I'm sorry but I Have forgotten the rest of the story.
[160]
DINNER GUEST
When the Razor-Tooth Sline
Comes to my house to dine,
You may find me in France or Detroit, Or off in Khartoum or in the spare room Of my Uncle Ed's place in Beloit.
You may find me in Philly, Racine or Rabat, You may reach me in Malmo or Ghor.
You may see me in Sikkim and likely as not You will run into me at the store.
You may find me in Hamburg
Or up in St. Paul,
In Kyoto, Kenosha or Nome,
But one thing is sure, if you find me at all,
You NEVER
shall find me at home.
[illustration: In the bottom right-hand corner of the page is a two-story house. The Razor-Tooth Sline's feet are on the bottom of the preceding page; his long legs rise almost to the top of the page. His large-winged, very plump body is at the top of both pages. His long neck and drooling mouth are hanging down, nearing the house. He looks something like a bald dragon, but his tongue is a lot shorter.]
[161] IN SEARCH OF CINDERELLA
From dusk to dawn,
From town to town,
Without a single clue,
I seek the tender, slender foot
To fit this crystal shoe.
From dusk to dawn,
I try it on
Each damsel that I meet.
And I still love her so, but oh, I've started hating feet.
[illustration: a crowned prince kneeling on one knee holding a crystal shoe toward an empty chair.]
162
ALMOST PERFECT
Almost perfect . . . but not quite.
Those were the words of Mary Hume At her seventh birthday party,
Looking 'round the ribboned room.
This tablecloth is pink
, not
white
--
Almost perfect . . . but not quite.
Almost perfect . . . but not quite. Those were the words of grown-up Mary Talking about her handsome beau, The one she wasn't gonna marry.
Squeezes me a bit too tight—
Almost perfect . . . but not quite.
Almost perfect . . . but not quite.
Those were the words of ol' Miss Hume Teaching in the seventh grade,
Grading papers in the gloom
Late at night up in her room.
They never cross their t's just right-Almost perfect . . . but not quite.
Ninety-eight the day she died
Complainin' 'bout the spotless floor.
People shook their heads and sighed, Guess that she'll like heaven more.<
br />
Up went her soul on feathered wings, Out the door, up out of sight.
Another voice from heaven came--
"Almost perfect . . . but not quite."
163
PIE PROBLEM
If I eat one more piece of pie, I'll die.
If I can't have one more piece of pie, I'll die.
So since it's all decided I must die, I might as well have one more piece of pie.
MMMM-OOOH-MY!
Chomp-Gulp-'Bye.
[illustration: a large fat arm and hand reaching out for a slice of pie]
164
THE OAK AND THE ROSE An oak tree and a rosebush grew, Young and green together,
Talking the talk of growing things--
Wind and water and weather.
And while the rosebush sweetly bloomed The oak tree grew so high
That now it spoke of newer things--
Eagles, mountain peaks and sky.
"I guess you think you're pretty great,"
The rose was heard to cry,
Screaming as loud as it possibly could To the treetop in the sky.
"And you have no time for flower talk, Now that you've grown so tall."
"It's not so much that I've grown," said the tree, "It's just that you've stayed so small."
[illustration: The gnarled thick trunk of a tree and below it a petaled rose]
[165] THEY'VE PUT A BRASSIERE ON THE CAMEL
They've put a brassiere on the camel, She wasn't dressed proper, you know.
They've put a brassiere on the camel So that her humps wouldn't show.
And they're making other respectable plans, They're even insisting the pigs should wear pants, They'll dress up the ducks if we give them the chance Since they've put a brassiere on the camel.
They've put a brassiere on the camel, They claim she's more decent this way.
They've put a brassiere on the camel, The camel had nothing to say.
They squeezed her into it, I'll never know how, They say that she looks more respectable now, Lord knows what they've got in mind for the cow, Since they've put a brassiere on the camel.
[illustration: the poem is on p. 166; on page 167 is a camel with its two humps covered by a brassiere, the straps of which are around the camel's middle and rear. The camel is looking perplexed.]
166 & 167 THIS BRIDGE
This bridge will only take you halfway there To those mysterious lands you long to see: Through gypsy camps and swirling Arab fairs And moonlit woods where unicorns run free.
So come and walk awhile with me and share The twisting trails and wondrous worlds I've known.
But this bridge will only take you halfway there--
The last few steps you'll have to take alone.
A Light in the Attic Page 5