It all made sense then. All of a sudden, the pieces fell into place. How she’d not seen it before was a mystery.
“You’d been alone all those years,” Elizabeth whispered. “All alone. And then, there I was. Like a moth to a flame, I hovered around you until you had to notice me. Then, in the library, I let you...”
“Elizabeth, stop,” he pleaded.
“I didn’t mean to,” she continued. “You must believe that I didn’t mean to entrap you. It was never my intention. I didn’t know what I was doing. I don’t understand these sorts of things. I know nothing of men. But somehow, without meaning to, I took advantage of your loneliness. And now you regret it, don’t you?”
“No. Of course I don’t regret it. And you took advantage of nothing.” He touched her face again, cradling her cheek as he searched her eyes. “Elizabeth, you are speaking nonsense. I should not have left you alone for so long. Your imagination has run away from you, that’s all. I don’t regret asking you to marry me. I don’t. I only regret that I’ve put you in danger and upended your life when you were content before I came crashing into the scene. I love you, Elizabeth. Don’t you know that I love you?”
“But why?” she asked. “Why do you love me? We hardly know each other. You’ve had seven years to meet someone. Why me? Why now? I’m nobody. I’m not even worthy of you. It’s absurd.” The sentences came out in a choked staccato, her unspoken fears all clambering to find outlet at once.
Gerard was silent for a moment. He was still staring at her, but his gaze felt distant. As though he wasn’t really seeing her at all. Elizabeth took a shuddering breath, wondering what had gone wrong. She had been excited to see him again. She’d been looking forward to this visit. And now?
I don’t know what has come over me.
It felt as though all of the violent emotion that she’d stifled behind a stoic exterior her entire life had come flooding to the surface. These weeks of isolation, frustrated desire, and shadowy fear had culminated in a frenzy within her that she did not know how to contain. She hated herself for spilling all of this ugliness for Gerard to see, but she couldn’t stop it now. The dam had been broken. He might hate her now. If he’d fallen for her poise and her quiet mystique, well…that had to be ruined now.
“Oh, Elizabeth…” he whispered at last, his thumb grazing over her cheek. “Look at you. Look what I’ve made of you.”
What have you made of me?
“How can I fix this?” he whispered. “Do you want to go back to the way it was before? Do you want me to leave you?”
There was a quiet agony in his words. A hushed sort of desperation. Elizabeth’s heart sank. He was so beautiful, and he loved her. Was that not enough? If only she had insisted on moving at once to Hadminster. Perhaps they might have outrun this business with the poisoner. He’d run away once, why not do it again? Could she not have made him happy?
“No,” she said. “Maybe. I…I don’t know. I don’t know what I want. I want everything to be easy again. I want to not be afraid anymore.”
He wiped a tear from her cheek that she had not felt fall from her eye, and in a swift motion he had gathered her up in his arms, pulling her from the couch so that she was bundled into his lap. She buried her face in his chest as he gripped her, kissing the top of her head and rocking her gently back and forth.
When he left that evening, nothing was resolved. After her outburst, the room became quiet and Gerard did not stay long after. When he left, she felt a chill go through her, and she had a terrible premonition that she would never see him again. Of course, that couldn’t be true, but still, she had the distinct impression that things had changed, and they would never be as they were before.
Chapter Twenty-Five
In the week following Elizabeth’s embarrassing scene, Gerard was more careful to visit her at last every other day. Apparently, he felt that her nervous breakdown was owing mostly to the fact that he had stopped paying so much attention to her.
She tried to enjoy the extra consideration, but it was difficult. Even when he was with her, his mind was often elsewhere.
“It has been so warm today…” Elizabeth said one evening as they walked together in the park. The sun was hanging low on the horizon, casting a deep pinkish glow over the trees and grass. Their shadows were long and sharp as they cut across the path.
“Yes.” He was looking straight ahead, but not really seeing anything.
He’s thinking about the murder.
“Are you all right?” she asked gently. He blinked and looked down at her as if just realizing that she’s been speaking at all.
“I’m fine. Why do you ask?”
Elizabeth smiled gently. “You seem far away.”
“Oh Elizabeth. I’m terribly sorry. I just can’t seem to think of anything else these days. There have still been no leads from the detective.”
Elizabeth felt an odd surge of anger welling up in her. Not at Gerard, precisely. It was natural that he should be obsessed with the case. He was not behaving irrationally. Anyone would do the same if it became apparent that a murderer was targeting the people he loved.
No, her anger was more abstract than that. She hated that the only thing her fiancé had to talk about with her was something as grim as a murder. It was beginning to seem like the case was the only thing on earth that he and she had in common.
Her feet crunched across the path and she let the gentle sounds of the descending night comfort her for a moment. She imagined how it would be if the case was suddenly solved and she and Gerard got married. They’d move to Hadminster. She would wear fine gowns every day. But then what? What would they do together? What would they talk about?
As the days passed, there was an unspoken awareness that thickened the air whenever they met. They both knew that the longer it went unsolved, the more likely it became that it never would be.
Elizabeth had her arm hooked in his, and just then Gerard put his hand over hers. Her heart ached for him. As frightening as it was to know that there was someone out there who wanted her dead, she still pitied him more. Perhaps it was just easier to express pity than face her own fears, but whenever she saw that haunted look come over his face, she wished she could make him forget what had happened.
But she couldn’t. As much as she tried to play the part of the diverting coquette, it didn’t come naturally to her. She just didn’t know how to flirt and tease like other girls did.
Even if I was a master at flirtation, he would never avail himself of physical comforts before we were married. And he will not marry me until he can put his first love to rest.
They had truly reached an impasse, with Elizabeth dangling helplessly in the center of it.
Gerard was silent for the rest of their walk, and Elizabeth gave up on trying to draw him out of his reverie. Their shadows grew longer until they melded and disappeared into the darkening night.
* * *
It was another couple of days before Elizabeth firmly made up her mind. She had been up all night, and it showed on her face. Glancing into the mirror, she gently touched the dark circles under her eyes. Her skin looked dull and pale and she felt thin. Not physically thin, but rather that feeling of lifeless melancholy that made her seem somehow separate from the rest of the world.
Making up her mind had not brightened her spirits in the slightest. She sat at the window, pricking mindlessly at an embroidery project she couldn’t have cared less about if she tried. Yellow roses twisted around a border of nondescript foliage around the edge of a handkerchief, the brightness of the stitched blooms at ironic odds with the dull gray of the morning.
Gerard said he would be there in the morning, so she knew he was coming. But this time she did not await his visit with nervous excitement. As she plied her needle methodically through the handkerchief, she dreaded the soft, distinctive knock that would soon come to her door.
When the knock came, she put down her work calmly and walked unhurriedly to let him in.
; His face nearly disarmed her. How did she always forget just how beautiful he was? She steeled herself and stepped aside as he walked in.
“Any news?” she asked, beyond hope that the answer would be yes.
Gerard shook his head as he took up his usual spot on the couch. “I’m afraid not. I don’t know what that Detective Collins is up to anymore. He says he is still on the case but with no new information I hardly know what that means.”
It had been the same complaint for weeks. The case had gone cold, and likely would not be solved. The only hope of finding the killer was for there to be another attempt on Elizabeth’s life. Though even that hope was slim because after two attempts he still had not been caught.
Elizabeth sat down gingerly across from Gerard, folding her hands in her lap.
“Why, Elizabeth. You look so grim this morning. What’s the matter?” he asked in a teasing tone, but there was real concern in his eyes.
“Gerard, I don’t believe this case will ever be solved.” She said it quickly. The statement landed like a hammer through the room. Gerard did not move nor did he make a sound.
“I think we both know this, but no one is saying anything. The detective can’t turn anything up because there are no leads, no clues, no direction.”
Gerard was shaking his head slightly, looking down at his hands. “No, Elizabeth. We must keep up hope. Something will happen. Some way, Detective Collins will crack this. He’s a good detective, he—”
“I think we should get married,” she said. “In that case, perhaps the murderer will attack again, and this time be caught.”
“And risk your safety? Your life? Absolutely not.” Gerard got to his feet and paced to the window.
“Gerard.”
“No.” His voice was stern. “I will not put you in danger again. I have lived with the guilt of Christine’s murder for these long years, and the guilt of the attacks on you more recently. If I lose you because of this reckless plan…”
“You will not marry me until this person is caught, but as it stands now, that will never happen. Do you mean to keep me in this room forever? How can I accept that?”
Gerard spun around. His brows were furrowed, and his jaw flexed. “Is all of this to say that you have changed your mind? You don’t want to marry me?”
“I do want to marry you, Gerard. I want to marry you now. What I don’t want is to be left in this limbo indefinitely. I’m lonely here, and bored. I want to work. I want to see people and go on with the rest of my life.” She was pleading with him, reaching out to take his hands in hers and drawing them to her chest.
“I can’t, Elizabeth. I can’t.” He gripped her hands and his anger had changed into a desperation that shook Elizabeth’s reserve. “How can I be a husband to anyone, knowing that I am responsible for a woman’s death? It was bad enough before your attacks happened. It was bad enough when I didn’t know that her death had anything to do with me. But now? Now that I know that I am poison to any woman who comes near me? What kind of monster would I be to ignore that and put your life on the line for my own satisfaction?”
“You aren’t putting my life on the line, Gerard! I’m asking you! Marry me. Take me away from here. Take me to your home and make me your Duchess. I’m not afraid.” Tears were in her eyes as she implored him.
“I can’t run away from this again. You may be safe at Hadminster, but you would be a prisoner. We could never return to London without fear for your life. I cannot live with being a coward. Not again. I have to do what’s right.”
“And how long will you wait, before giving up on catching him?” she asked, going still and calm as a warm tear rolled down her cheek.
“I will wait forever,” he said.
Elizabeth slid her hands out of his grasp and turned away. She walked quietly across the room and placed her hand on the back of a chair as if to steady herself. This was what she had feared. She’d feared it all along.
“You may wait forever, Gerard, but I will not,” she said. “I have only one life to live. And I cannot waste time in a position that is leading nowhere. I love you, but not enough to give up on myself.”
“Elizabeth, please. What are you saying?” His voice was so small and tremulous that she nearly turned around to look at him. She held her ground.
“I’m saying that I am forever grateful that you should have fallen for me. It has been a dream, something I never thought could happen to me. I shall hold on to these memories and cherish them for the rest of my days. But I must call off our engagement.”
Within the second, he was behind her, his hands on her shoulders. He turned her around, forcing her to look at him. Elizabeth didn’t want to see him. She didn’t want him to see how much it hurt her to do this.
“Elizabeth, I love you,” was all he said.
Her heart shattered at the broken sound of his voice, but she had to remain firm. She had to. This state of being suspended in limbo could not go on. She hugged him, not wishing to hurt him.
For a time, they merely stood there in each other’s arms. Gerard gripped her tightly but he did not say anything more. Finally, he straightened up. His face was calm, but it was clear that he had to fight for it to be so.
“I cannot force you to wait, Elizabeth,” he said. “Though I wish that I could. I love you, and so I will respect your wishes. Naturally, I will continue to pay for your boarding here, until such time as you are able to make your own way once more.”
Elizabeth was fighting back tears, holding her breath so as not to sob. She nodded her head. “Thank you.”
* * *
Gerard rode back to Stonehill feeling fragile, like a crystal glass with spidery fissures all crisscrossing against its surface. Every bump in the road that jostled the carriage felt violent, and he gripped onto the handle of the door to steady himself.
He hadn’t seen Elizabeth’s change of heart coming. As much guilt as he had about putting her in such an untenable situation, he had never considered that she would call the whole thing off. The shock of it rang through him, almost numbing the pain itself. Almost.
When he arrived at Stonehill, he felt as though he were sleepwalking as he went through the house, following the sounds of life to the little room where Bridget and Jonathan were quietly sitting together, having tea. They were so peaceful together, a picture of domestic contentment.
“Back so soon, Gerard?” Bridget asked, motioning for him to join them to tea.
“Miss Peaton has called off our engagement.” There was no use in trying to avoid the subject or couch it in pretty words. Gerard sank into a chair desolately.
“What?” Bridget asked. Jonathan looked stunned.
“What happened?” Jonathan asked.
Gerard shook his head, not able to find the words to convey what had happened at the inn. That room felt worlds away. Only an hour ago he had been knocking on her door, excited to see her, to kiss her and take her in his arms again. That felt like another life, now.
“Oh Gerard, this is terrible. Just terrible. I simply can’t imagine what has gotten into her.” Bridget reached for his hand, but Gerard pulled away.
“No. She’s right. Of course, she’s right. It was cruel and selfish of me to try to keep her locked away,” he murmured.
“No, no! You were keeping her safe!” Bridget was emphatic, looking to her husband for support as she implored.
“She is not locked away, Gerard. She’s staying in an elegant room in the heart of London with all the freedom in the world.” Jonathan said.
“No, you don’t understand,” Gerard said, sitting forward and putting his head in his hands.
“I will go and talk to her,” Bridget said, standing up. “She’s just frightened, is all. Rosaline and I have not been visiting her often enough and she’s been alone with her thoughts too long. We will bring her back to her senses. You’ll see.”
“I don’t want you to do that,” Gerard said. “I said that I would respect her wishes. She will think that I sent you
to get her to change her mind.”
“Nonsense. It’s my own idea. I will go and get Rosaline as well. Don’t you fret, Gerard. I will right this.”
Before he could protest further, Bridget was sweeping out of the room with a rustle of silk. The door swung closed behind her.
“Can you call her back? Gerard asked Jonathan, already knowing the answer.
“Once Bridget has set her mind to something, there is no use in trying to dissuade her,” Jonathan answered. “Is there something she does not know? Did you and Miss Peaton have a falling out?”
Gerard stared at the pattern of the rug beneath them. “I don’t think so. I had upset her a few weeks ago by leaving her alone too long. But I had been endeavoring to visit her more often since then. She is upset that I cannot marry her until the case is solved. She thinks it never will be. She has given up hope.”
Wild Passions of a Mischievous Duchess Page 21