by Suzy K Quinn
‘Who says I’ll get hurt?’
‘I do. You’ll be right in the spotlight. Exactly where Getty can get to you.’
‘No. I’ll be inside a theatre. Marc, this is a relationship. Not a classroom. It’s not like you set the rules and I follow them.’
‘Oh no? You seem to enjoy my rules in the bedroom.’
‘That’s different.’ My cheeks redden. ‘If you need to be in charge of me all the time, it won’t work.’
‘Sophia, I need to keep you safe. You either have to accept that or ...’
‘Or?’
‘We end.’
47
Oh, those two little words. They hurt me more than any words I’ve ever heard in my life.
‘We end?’ I stammer. ‘Are you saying that if I don’t give up this part, you’ll break up with me?’
Marc turns to stare out of the car window. I can’t see his eyes, and I think he wants it that way. ‘If we’re not together, the press will leave you alone. So I can keep you safe that way, at least.’
‘You’d really do that? You’d really end our relationship if I don’t give up this part?’
‘It’s the only way I can protect you.’
‘I can’t give up the part,’ I say. ‘I’ve already said yes. I’d be letting too many people down.’
‘Then we can’t be together.’ Marc doesn’t look at me.
‘What? You’re ... you don’t mean that.’
‘Yes. I do. I have to keep you safe.’
‘Stop the car,’ I say.
Marc gives a little shake of his head. ‘Not here.’
‘STOP THE CAR,’ I shout, clambering forward and knocking on the tinted driver’s glass.
A section is pushed aside, and I see the back of Keith’s head and his fingers on the glass.
‘Everything okay back there?’
‘Please. Keith. Would you stop the car?’
‘Okay dokey. Let me pull over.’
I don’t look at Marc as the car slows to a stop.
‘Sophia. Wait.’
I pull at the door handle and stumble out onto the cold London pavement. Townhouses tower over me, and I feel very small and alone.
‘Sophia.’
I turn to see Marc.
‘Will you please get back into the car?’
‘Why? What’s the point?’
‘I at least want to make sure you get back to college safely.’
‘I’m not going back to college. I’m going back to the theatre. To rehearse. Please, Marc. Don’t make this harder than it already is.’
That seems to hit the right mark. He takes a step forward, then back, his feet uncertain, a hand pushing through his hair. ‘I ... believe me, Sophia, I have no desire to hurt you. I never wanted this for you. I never wanted to put you in danger.’
I swallow. ‘I know. But I guess we just don’t work in the real world.’ I don’t mean those words. I only say them because I want Marc to contradict me. To tell me it’s not true. But he doesn’t.
‘I’ll let my people know our relationship is ... at an end.’ Marc looks at the pavement, then turns and heads back towards the car.
Ouch.
I put one hand to my stomach, the other to my mouth. I can’t believe he just said that. I want to tell him to wait. To say I’m sorry. I’ll do whatever he wants if only we can be together. But I know I can’t do that. I feel tears sting my eyes.
When Marc reaches the car, he turns to me. ‘Let me drive you there in the car. Give me that at least.’
I shake my head, tears streaming down my cheeks. ‘If we’re really over, I can’t be with you.’
‘Then take a taxi.’
‘I want to walk.’ I gulp at the air.
Marc’s fists are clenched, and his cheeks have gone hollow. ‘Don’t you understand? I just want the press to leave you alone. They won’t do that if we’re together.’
‘It seems a pretty easy choice for you.’ I wipe away tears with the back of my hand.
‘Come back to the car. Please.’
‘No!’ I turn and run, darting down an alleyway.
Narrow buildings give way to daylight, and I emerge on a busy shopping street and fall in with the crowd. I’m shaking and crying, and everyone is looking at me, but right now I don’t care.
48
The pain in my chest grows. This is the end. We just broke up. Before we even really started. Marc was right all along.
I run fast and far enough so I know Marc can’t follow me. Then my pace slows and the tears stop. I realise how cold I am – Leo and I went outside without coats. Rubbing blue fingers, I weave in and out of shoppers. They’re just going about their normal lives, unaware that part of mine has just ended.
I wander the streets for a long time. Hours. I see restaurants and fast food places fill up as people start taking their lunch breaks. Soon, I feel totally numb. I think it’s the cold at first, but then I realise it’s coming from inside. From my heart.
Suddenly, Tottenham Theatre is right ahead of me, but I have no idea how I got here. Did I purposely walk this way? I don’t remember.
There are no paps outside, and the theatre looks weirdly dark and empty.
I try the doors. They’re locked.
What?
Turning a full circle, I see tourists and shoppers milling around.
My phone bleeps, and I slip it from my pocket. I have five missed calls from Marc, and a text from Davina:
‘THEY GOT THE PICTURE!! Front page of tomorrow’s Daily Sport. Rehearsing at the theatre is proving too difficult, re paparazzi. Marc Blackwell has arranged for us to relocate at Queen’s Theatre, Ivy College, where he can provide security. See you there, Davina.’
My mouth falls open. I don’t believe this.
I dial Marc’s number, pacing up and down the pavement.
Marc answers on the first ring.
‘Sophia.’
‘You moved the play to Ivy College?’
‘I thought it a good idea for the time being. My team will break the news of our separation to the press soon, but they’ll still be a few weeks of fall out. They’ll still want pictures of you for a while. You’ll be safer in the college and nearer your studies.’
‘Thank you,’ I say stiffly. ‘I ... appreciate that.’ I ache for him to say something more. That we can be together after all.
But instead he says, ‘I won’t bother you on campus. You go your way, I’ll go mine. It’ll be like we were never together.’
Never together. I feel a lump in my throat and want to throw up.
The line goes dead.
49
Queen’s Theatre, Ivy College. Where Marc and I shared our first kiss. My legs are shaky as I walk through the doors.
It’s the weirdest thing seeing Davina and Leo on the Queen’s Theatre stage. They look at home, but not at home. Of course, they both belong in a theatre, but this theatre is different.
‘Sophia!’ Davina calls in her high-pitched voice. ‘Up, up, up on stage, right now. We don’t have time to mess around.’
Images of Marc’s beautiful face and strong body creep into my mind as I head towards the stage steps. Marc and I, on stage together, swept away by a kiss that should never have been.
‘Come on, come on!’ Davina shouts.
The kiss tingles through me as I walk up the stage steps. Marc, so dark and intimidating, raw and sexy. Me, held tight in his arms, lost and found.
‘Hey.’ Leo takes my arm. ‘Sorry about earlier. One minute you were next to me, and the next ... poof!’
‘I sort of slipped, and then we got separated.’
‘Stick with me next time,’ says Leo. ‘But for the record, they got the picture we wanted. It’ll be all over the papers tomorrow.’
‘I think they got more than they bargained for,’ I say, thinking of Marc carrying me through the crowd.
‘Right,’ Davina yells. ‘Let’s start. Right now. Scene twelve. Beast shows Beauty around the castle. Let’s go.
’
I scrabble through my memory for lines, my head a mess.
‘No, no, no.’ Davina grabs my arm. ‘She wouldn’t stand there. Over here. Beast has to call her over.’
‘Oh. Okay,’ I stumble as she drags me across the stage.
There’s a pause.
‘Line!’ Davina shrieks.
‘Oh ... sorry. I didn’t realise you wanted me to start already.’
Davina rolls her eyes. ‘I’m dealing with an amateur. Leo – you’re the professional. You start. Little Miss Rose is having trouble speaking.’
‘I’m not -’
‘Line!’ Davina interrupts.
Leo throws me an apologetic smile, then launches into the script. ‘Of this house, you are now mistress,’ he says, bowing down almost to the ground.
‘I have no desire to be so,’ I reply. ‘Only to be set free.’
‘Stop, stop,’ Davina says. ‘Sophia. I need character. Show me character.’
In two lines?
I try again, but Davina cuts me dead.
‘Christ, have you never been on stage before? I need bigger. Bolder. For God’s sake, Sophia, you’re useless.’
The rehearsals go on that way, with Davina picking at everything I do.
Leo is the golden boy, and she heaps praise on him, but I can’t do anything right.
By the end of the day, I’m tired and unhappy. I’ve had enough of being criticised, and I miss Marc so much, it’s unbearable.
Usually, I love being on stage. I can forget all my worries while I’m acting. But today was hell. This has to get better.
‘Okay,’ Davina shouts. ‘We’re nearly done for today.’ She clicks her fingers. ‘Let’s finish on a song. Sophia. Song. Forever and You. Let’s hear it.’
Oh no. The bird in a cage song.
Just get on with it, Sophia.
Davina snaps on some music, and I pat my chest, lift my chin up and draw in my breath.
I start singing, and I’m okay. Not great, but okay. I stumble a little on the ‘bird in a cage’ line, but I recover.
‘Terrible,’ Davina shouts. ‘Just terrible. Like amateur karaoke night. And that bird in a cage line. You completely stuffed it up.’
I stiffen. ‘Davina. I’m learning, okay? I’m not a big Hollywood star like Leo. I haven’t starred in hundreds of movies. I’m young. I’m inexperienced. But I’m a hard worker, and I’ll do everything I can to get things right.’
‘I just hope you get better quickly,’ says Davina. ‘Or this show is going to bomb.’
I think about the newspapers. They’ll have a field day if the audience hates me. I want to be good at this. As good as I can be. But in Davina’s eyes, nothing is good enough.
Our eyes meet, and I sense how annoyed she is with me.
I twist my hair in my fingers. ‘Maybe it’s time to take a break.’
Davina raises a skinny eyebrow. ‘Agreed. Go away. Practise. And I just pray to God you’re better tomorrow.’
50
I leave the theatre almost in tears. I’m angry at myself for getting emotional, but I feel so trapped. It’s awful having Davina snip and snipe at me, but ... maybe she’s right. I am an amateur. I’ve never acted professionally. Leo is so much more confident than I am.
I’m lost in my own thoughts, when ... I don’t believe it.
Tanya is up ahead.
She sits on a wooden bench, wrapped in a long puffa coat, a white scarf wound around her neck. Tom is beside her, his wheelchair perched on a grass verge. He’s flamboyant as always in a top hat and pin-striped jacket, with pink shirt.
‘Tanya! Tom!’ I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to see my friends.
I break into a run. ‘What are you doing out here in the cold?’
‘Waiting for you,’ says Tanya, returning my smile.
I throw my arms around them both. ‘I’m so glad to see you guys. Soo glad. How’d you know I’d be here?’
‘Tom’s an eavesdropper,’ says Tanya. ‘He overheard reception organising the big move from Tottenham Theatre, and we guessed the rest. So? How’s it going?’
I let out a long sigh. ‘Not great. The director hates me.’ I sit next to Tanya, putting my head in my hands. ‘Right now, it’s really hard work.’
‘I’m glad to hear it,’ says Tom. ‘We’d be very jealous if everything was wonderful.’
‘I was a little jealous,’ Tanya admits. ‘It seemed a bit unfair, you getting this great part just because of Marc. But don’t worry, I’m over it now.’
‘I don’t blame you,’ I say. ‘It’s not fair. Marc didn’t want me to take the part. He thought it was too dangerous. Maybe he was right.’
‘Mr Blackwell was a right grump in our lecture this afternoon,’ says Tanya. ‘No pleasantries. All business. He nearly bit my head off for doodling. I can’t help it if I don’t pay attention for long. I’m a creative! We’re supposed to be scatty.’
‘Speak for yourself,’ says Tom. ‘I’m incredibly organised and always pay attention.’
We all laugh.
‘You ... saw Marc today then?’ I venture.
Tanya snaps her serious face back on. ‘Yes. And he had a face like thunder, if you want to know the truth. I’m guessing you two are still on the rocks?’
‘More than rocks,’ I say. ‘Mountains. We broke up.’
Tanya flings a hand to her mouth. ‘Oh! I’m so sorry.’
Tom wheels himself around so he can pat my arm. ‘So soon?’
I nod, feeling tears appear.
‘How can that be?’ says Tom. ‘The two of you, both so beautiful. I would have thought the sexual chemistry alone would keep you going for months.’
‘It was Marc’s decision,’ I say. ‘He says it’s the only way he can keep me safe.’
Tanya slings an arm around my shoulder. ‘Plenty of fish in the sea, and all of that.’
‘Tanya.’ Tom shakes his head. ‘You do know that is absolutely the worst thing to say when people break up.’
‘Don’t worry,’ I say. ‘There’s no good thing to say right now.’
We hear a crunch of gravel, and I see Leo heading along the shadowy path.
‘Sophia?’ He reaches the bench. ‘Is that you?’
‘Yes, it’s me.’
‘I was hoping to catch you.’ He nods at Tom and Tanya. ‘These must be your friends. Hello, hello.’
‘Tom and Tanya,’ I say. ‘Meet Leo Falkirk.’
‘We know exactly who you are,’ says Tom, pulling himself up in his wheelchair. ‘And it’s a pleasure to meet you.’ He gives a theatrical bow.
Leo laughs. ‘Don’t bow on my account. I’m not worth it.’
‘You absolutely are,’ says Tom. ‘I don’t waste my bows on just anyone. You ask these two.’
‘Uh, Sophia?’ Leo fixes his twinkly green eyes on me. ‘I wondered. It’s been a long day, and I thought ... if you hadn’t eaten yet, you want to grab a bite?’
‘With you?’
‘Sure, with me.’ He grins, showing his dimples. ‘I know some great places in London. Places the press aren’t allowed.’
51
I look at Tom and Tanya. Tanya is giving nothing away, but Tom is grinning and nodding like an idiot.
‘Thanks,’ I say. ‘But I’m really tired. I might just grab a sandwich and get an early night.’
‘Oh. Well. Hey, I’ll be on campus for another hour or so. They gave me a guest suite here, so I’m going to go grab a shower. Call me if you change your mind, okay? Here’s my number.’ He hands me a business card with a black and white shot of him on one side, all muscles and brooding eyes. ‘Ignore the photo. That was my agent’s idea. Maybe see you later, okay?’
‘Okay.’
He jogs away over the gravel.
When he’s gone, Tanya gives me a little punch on the arm. ‘Why didn’t you say yes? Are you blind? He looks like one of those Greek statues.’
‘I just ... it didn’t feel right.’
‘Tanya, m
y love,’ says Tom ‘Can’t you see she’s still pining for Marc? She can’t just switch her feelings off like a tap.’
‘But he’s so hot,’ says Tanya.
‘Is he indeed?’ Tom raises an eyebrow.
Tanya smiles. ‘Not as hot as you. But hot.’ Her hand rests on his shoulder, and suddenly something clicks.
‘What’s going on with you two?’ I ask.
Tanya and Tom look at each other, then quickly in opposite directions.
‘Nothing,’ says Tanya, her hand sliding from Tom’s shoulder.
Tom looks at his lap.
Tanya’s pale skin has turned a bright red. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her look so uncomfortable.
A smile spreads across my face. ‘Are you two ... has something happened? What’s going on?’
Tanya scratches her neck, and looks pointedly at Tom.
‘Oh, you know us,’ says Tom. ‘Boring as usual. Food. Pub. Lectures. Food. Pub. It’s a hard life. Missing our friend, Sophia.’
‘Shall we go to the pub?’ says Tanya.
‘Are you sure there’s nothing you want to tell me?’ I ask.
They shake their heads far too quickly.
‘Okay.’ I’m prepared to let it go for now. ‘The pub sounds good. But I have to learn my lines too. Promise you won’t let me get too drunk, okay? I’m so stressed, I can see myself downing two bottles of wine.’
‘Promise.’
52
The campus pub is as cosy as always, with its beer barrel stools and rope decoration. There’s a roaring fire and mulled wine on sale.
Tom and I take a round wooden table in the corner, while Tanya brings over three steaming cups of wine with cinnamon sticks floating in them.
The wine is comforting, and it feels nice to be here with Tom and Tanya – like when we first came to college and I had no troubles.
As I take a sip of hot wine, Tanya nudges me.
‘Look what the cat dragged in.’
I turn to the door. ‘Oh no.’
It’s Cecile, arm in arm with Ryan.
Ryan glances at me, then looks away, but Cecile doesn’t even look in my direction. She’s wearing the same outfit from earlier – tan riding boots, jeans and a blouse. Her icy blonde hair is tied in an elegant chignon that makes her cheekbones look especially pointy.