“Not right now,” Easton finished, surprised to realize that she completely understood. “I get it. It’s absolutely okay. Just know that…” She lowered her voice as she pressed her lips to Bella’s hair. “I will be touching you. Very soon.” She could feel Bella smile against her skin.
“I’m counting on it.” They were quiet for a beat or two. “I needed to feel you. I needed to feel your warm skin and your heartbeat and…”
“My orgasm?” Easton supplied when Bella faltered.
“Yes.” Bella’s shoulders moved with quiet laughter. “That, too. That most of all.” Then she added, “I needed to feel alive, and touching you really helped me with that.”
“Glad to be of service,” Easton said, doing her best to keep things as light as she could, given the circumstances. They certainly weren’t the ones she’d expected would surround them their first time together. She felt Bella give her a little squeeze, but they remained quiet and the silence fell over them like a soft blanket. It wasn’t long before Bella’s body jerked slightly, and Easton knew she’d fallen asleep.
The room lit up then as a flash of lightning crackled through the sky. Easton hadn’t turned on any lights, so there was only the lightning and the soft glow of the cinnamon candle to see by. Easton was getting goose bumps on various parts of her still-naked body, so she slowly reached for the fleece blanket folded on the back of the couch, not wanting to wake Bella, and covered them both with it.
Easton was comfortable.
No. She was much more than that. She was…content. Relaxed.
Happy.
Easton was happy.
It was a new feeling. A very new feeling. And she wanted to hold on to it for as long as she could.
Lightning cut through the room once more, this time followed by an ominous rumble of thunder and the pattering of rain on the windows continued steadily.
The question was, how long would that be?
Chapter Eighteen
It was nearly 11:00 when Bella slid her key into the lock on her side door. The rain had eased up slightly, now not much more than a drizzle. The thunder and lightning had moved east, the rumbles still audible, though much quieter and less threatening.
Ethel was standing in the doorway to the kitchen, her tail wagging back and forth, always so happy to see Bella. Seriously, was there anything better than coming home to a creature who was utterly thrilled by the mere sight of you? She rubbed Ethel’s ears between her fingers and kissed her on her big, square head. “Hi, baby. Sorry I’m so late.” Lucy came wandering over then, moseying slowly, as if making it clear that Bella’s presence really didn’t affect her one way or the other. She was the queen of indifference, but Bella gave her the same treatment: an ear rub and a kiss on the head. She led them to the back door and let them out.
They were going to be her excuse to not stay overnight at Easton’s. It would’ve been easy to get Amy or Heather to stay at her place and dog-sit, but she wasn’t ready for that and she knew it. Sex with somebody new was one thing. Sleeping wrapped up in each other and waking up together the next morning was quite another. No matter how appealing the idea was…
A small scoff pushed from her lips as she admitted she’d pretty much done it anyway, falling asleep in Easton’s arms the way she had. That had been unplanned, but so had Jonas’s suicide.
The lump that formed in her throat was instant and her eyes welled up as Lucy sauntered to the door and waited to be let in. Bella focused on wiping her feet, drying her large back with the towel. God, how had she missed it? How had she not seen any of the signs? They must have been there, right? She’d always thought of herself as very good at her job, but this…this gave her major pause. Had her wondering. Second-guessing. Replaying every conversation she’d had with him in the past couple of months. What had she missed? What was there to be seen that she hadn’t?
Bella blew out a breath, a breath born of frustration and confusion and sadness. She would call her supervisor tomorrow, talk it through with her. She needed to. For her own sanity.
Easton had been…amazing. Every second with her. Every minute. She’d been there. She’d given Bella exactly what she’d needed in the moment, without question, without reservation. That meant something. It meant something huge. Bella was torn between thinking about it and pushing it out of her head. But she was tired, and her coping skills were in the toilet, so she didn’t have anything left to push with.
As if trying to help with the reminiscing, her brain replayed the image of Easton’s naked body beneath her. The unreal softness of her skin…all that gorgeous, creamy skin. Yeah, Bella wanted more of that. Her mouth…for a woman who’d admittedly only been with two people, Easton excelled at kissing. My God. Bella swallowed hard, thinking about Easton’s lips, her tongue, how she gave back everything Bella put out there. Her breasts. Oh, my God, how many times did I fantasize about them? Bella recalled the handful of times she’d been in the locker room at Framerton High at the same time as Easton. How stealthy she’d been about sneaking peeks at Easton undressed, always terrified of getting caught. She was happy to report that Easton’s breasts certainly lived up to the hype Bella’d showered them with. They were smallish but full, and fit perfectly in Bella’s hands. They were responsive, which was such a turn-on. The second Bella had closed her mouth over a nipple, Easton had sucked in her breath and pushed her hips up into Bella’s.
Bella swallowed again, her arousal surging through her at the simple memory of Easton, and she had to shake her head free of the images, open and close her fists as she did her best to regain control of her own body, because the memory of Easton coming for her? Nothing compared. Not a thing in the world.
No woman had ever had such an effect on her. Not like this.
Her phone pinged in her back pocket. A text from Easton.
You make it home okay?
Bella smiled tenderly at the idea that somebody was worried about her. I did, she typed back. Thank you for tonight. For all of it. It seemed lame, but she had no other way to word it.
It was MY pleasure. Believe me. A winking emoji followed, making Bella’s smile grow.
Not just yours. I promise you.
Easton sent back a blushing emoji and the conversation ended there, which Bella was grateful for. She wanted to see Easton again. Absolutely and without a doubt. But she needed to deal with her grief and confusion over Jonas first and Easton seemed to get that. Yet another reason to keep her around.
Ethel finally decided she’d had enough of running around in the rain and stood at the door, her huge face smiling at Bella, and not for the first time, Bella wondered what she’d ever done before she had dogs. How had she survived?
She let Ethel in and dried her off, wiped her feet. Ethel normally hated this, did her best dodging and weaving to avoid the horrible and dreaded towel. But not tonight. Tonight, she seemed to sense Bella’s emotions, her grief, and she stood still so Bella could do what she needed to do. Bella finished up, scrubbing the towel gently over the top of Ethel’s head. “You’re a good girl,” she said quietly, and when she looked into the big brown eyes of her dog, she could swear she saw a glimpse of something…human. The tears crawled up from her throat to pool in her eyes, and she wrapped her arms around Ethel’s barrel-chested body, hugging her as she cried quietly.
Ethel let her.
***
The house always felt a little bit…weird when Emma was gone to Connor’s, so Saturday afternoon brought back a sense of normality for Easton. Connor had given her a couple of boxes from their attic that she’d apparently left behind when she’d moved, and they were now stacked in the corner of the living room. Emma had her My Little Pony stuff spread all over the floor—it looked like slow-moving lava that was gradually taking over the room—and she was playing and talking quietly with her friend Darcy from school. They were using the boxes as cliffs for the ponies to climb. Easton had to admire the imagination.
Normally, Easton didn’t like Emma to have a pla
y date as soon as she got home from her dad’s. She wanted mommy-daughter time so they could chat, talk about what she’d done at Daddy’s, go over school from the end of the week. It was time that Easton looked forward to, even if Emma was too young to get that yet.
Today was different, though. Today Easton needed some time. She hadn’t allowed it this morning. She didn’t feel ready somehow, strangely, to give herself a chance to think about last night. Bella had not been in good shape when she’d arrived, and today Easton wondered if having sex on the couch was the smartest thing for them to do, especially since it was their very first time together. Yes, Bella seemed to need it. Her explanation made perfect sense. But it certainly wasn’t the way Easton predicted it would go.
Maybe that’s what was bothering her this morning.
Which wasn’t to say it wasn’t good. Because it was. It was beyond good. It had been spectacular. Best sex Easton had ever had, circumstances aside. But she wanted to give back, to return the favor, to reciprocate, and Bella just hadn’t been in a place to allow that.
She’d sent Bella a text in the morning, saying hello, asking if she was doing okay. Bella’s response had been personal enough but short, and Easton had to remind herself that Bella was dealing with some major emotions right now, that they were probably worse today now that things had had a chance to sink in and solidify. Easton wanted to text again. Several times. But she’d stopped herself each time, not wanting to be that girl, the girl that is constantly poking at you with her never-ending need for attention. Olivia had made her feel like that girl, and Easton had vowed never to fall into that pattern of desperation again.
At the kitchen table with her laptop open and every intention of getting some work done, Easton sat still instead, elbow on the table, chin in her hand, staring off into space. Replaying bits and pieces from last night. Replaying certain ones even more.
“Hey!” Darcy’s voice came from the living room. Then both girls dissolved into little-girl giggles and Easton smiled at the sound, forcing herself back to the present. With a sigh, she put her fingers on her keyboard. Her eyes, however, she shifted toward her very quiet phone.
She hoped Bella was doing okay.
***
“What did Anne say?” Heather asked as she sat next to Bella on her couch. It was Sunday brunch, but not really. Amy and Heather had texted numerous times on Saturday to get the scoop on how things went at Easton’s house but instead had been met with utter silence for far longer than they were okay with. By the time Bella had finally texted back and told them about Jonas, it was Saturday night and she was beyond exhausted. They wanted to come right over. She told them no, to come in the morning.
Neither of her friends were happy about it, but they did as she asked.
Sunday morning at 8:00, there was no knocking. No preamble. Amy used her key and they found Bella sitting on her couch, cup of coffee in hand, gazing off at…nothing. She was dressed but didn’t look at all fresh, and Heather guessed correctly that Bella hadn’t gone to bed. The dogs were both lying down in the same room, Lucy at Bella’s feet, Ethel next to her. They hadn’t left her side all night.
The two friends had whipped into action, and despite her sadness and fatigue, Bella couldn’t help but smile as they moved efficiently around her house. Amy had switched out Bella’s coffee for some “more relaxing” tea, then let the dogs out and back in. Heather had scrambled her some eggs and added a slice of toast. The plate now sat in her lap, hardly touched.
“Eat,” Amy ordered, poking at the plate. “Come on.”
Bella sighed, then dutifully took a bite. Surprised by how good they were—and how instantly her hunger blossomed—she took another.
“Anne,” Heather reminded her. “What did she say?”
Anne Haggerty was Bella’s boss at the wellness center and often acted as therapist to the therapists. Bella had known her for years and respected her greatly.
She finished chewing, swallowed, and cleared her throat, recalling Anne’s words yesterday. “She said she went through my notes, remembered everything I’d said about Jonas, and that I’d done everything right. That I didn’t miss anything. That he just couldn’t handle the news and fell down a rabbit hole before anybody could get to him.”
“See?” Amy said. “Not your fault. Told you.”
And she had. Several times. Because Bella wanted—no, she needed—somebody to blame. Somebody to take responsibility for the sudden disappearance of a good, kindhearted man whose only mistake was to love the wrong woman too much. The logical place to lay that blame was right at her own feet. After all, Jonas was seeing her for help. Her job was, quite literally, to help him. To guide him, to assist him in seeing his own worth.
She’d failed him.
Heather’s warm hand was suddenly on her back, rubbing in comforting circles. As if she could read Bella’s mind, she said, very quietly, “It wasn’t your fault, Isabella.”
For the first time since Friday, Bella heard the words and didn’t instantly tear up. Because, logically, she knew them to be true. Emotionally, it was a different story. She gave a quick nod and forked more eggs into her mouth as Ethel lifted her head to watch.
The three of them sat silently for several moments, one or all of them sipping or eating at any given moment. Bella finished her eggs, every speck of them, then set her plate in front of her on the coffee table.
“So,” Amy ventured. “This happened on Friday?”
“Thursday night,” Bella corrected her. “But I didn’t find out until Friday afternoon.”
“You didn’t go to Easton’s then, huh?”
Bella turned her gaze toward Amy. “Oh, no, I went.” She caught her bottom lip in her teeth and nibbled, knowing it was an obvious sign of nervousness and her friends knew it well.
“You did?” Heather couldn’t hide her surprise.
“Actually, I went there right away. Not long after I heard.”
Heather squinted at her as Amy said, “Wait. So, you did have your date with her?”
Bella cleared her throat, picked up the paper napkin from her plate, and fiddled with it. “I mean, we didn’t have a date, really…” Her voice trailed off. When she finally braved a glance up at Amy, she was arching an eyebrow.
“Bells. Spill. Now.”
“I slept with her.” Mentally, Bella ducked, expecting instant fallout. Which she got.
“You what?” Amy’s tone was incredulous. “After the news you got? You had sex with her?”
Heather seemed to maybe have a better understanding of it. Or at least some. When Bella leaned forward and covered her face with her hands, she felt Heather reach behind her back, probably to calm Amy. “Easy. Just relax for a second. Bella.” Heather waited until Bella sat back up. “Tell us what happened.”
Amy wasn’t looking at her, but Bella swallowed hard and told her story. “I was a mess. I was in…a bad place. A really bad place. And it was the strangest thing, but all I wanted to do was talk to Easton. I know that seems weird because we haven’t known each other that long—”
“Only fifteen years,” Amy muttered, but Heather shot her a look and she apologized. “Sorry. Go on.”
“I knocked on her door. I was way early for our date. She let me in, knew something was wrong immediately. And she just wrapped me in her arms and held me, no questions asked, and I just bawled. I cried so hard and she just held me.” Bella recalled now how she’d felt in Easton’s arms. How comforted. How safe. “She led me to the couch, got me some water. I asked for wine.”
Heather smiled at that.
“And I told her what had happened. What Jonas did. How I felt. All my worries and concerns and confusion. And she listened and touched me somehow the whole time, her hand on my leg or in my hair or on my shoulder. At one point, I looked up at her and she was just so beautiful, so open, and I was”—she looked around the room, as if the word she was looking for was hiding on the ceiling or behind some furniture—“seized is the only word I can think of to
describe how I felt then. I was seized with this urge, this need, to feel her. Her body. Her heartbeat. Her life. I know that sounds crazy, but I couldn’t help it. I needed to feel that she was alive. That I was alive. I had to touch her. Like that.”
When Bella finally dared a glimpse at her friends, she knew they understood. Heather nodded, and Amy looked grudgingly okay with it. They were all in the same field and they all knew that a sudden death could often make a person crave life. Whether it was to do something crazy like skydive or bungee jump or something closer to home, like have sex with a woman you’d only dated once or twice, it wasn’t an uncommon reaction.
“So?” Amy asked. “Was it good?”
Heather shot her a look and she shrugged.
“What? It’s a legit question.”
Bella allowed a small smile to appear. “It was. It was much more than good. She’s…” She inhaled, then let it out very slowly as she remembered what it was like to peel the clothes off Easton’s body, to have her warmth beneath her. She recalled the perfection of her breasts, how Easton had reacted to her touch. She’d never forget the feeling of sliding her fingers inside, into the warm, wet heat, and if she closed her eyes, she could still hear the gentle, breathy sounds Easton made when she had an orgasm, the whimpered cry. “She was everything I hoped she’d be. I don’t remember ever touching anybody and feeling like that.”
“Wow,” Heather said, eyes slightly widened. “This is a big deal, Bells.”
“And when she returned the favor?” Amy asked. “Just as good?”
“Actually, I didn’t let her.” Bella wrinkled her nose. “That wasn’t what I needed. I needed to touch her, to feel her.”
“She was okay with that?” Heather’s voice held a hint of skepticism.
Bella relaxed, felt her face slacken in contentedness as she remembered Easton’s words, the softness in her eyes when she opened her arms and took Bella into them. “She was. She completely understood. I asked her if she could just hold me and she did. No questions asked. It was exactly what I needed.”
The Do-Over Page 20