by Michael Dunn
“Please shut up, or I will kill you.”
Dan scoffed again and shook his head. “No. We both know you will not kill me and your threats are as hollow as the promises I make to women when I say I will call them the next morning. Now, I have a few questions for you, like where are those pictures of me? Couldn’t you have warned me I was falling into a honey trap? Couldn’t you have let me know you were photographing me, because I could have given you a better pose and let you know what my good side is? For reference, it is my left profile and 75% angle.”
“The next photo they will take of you is to identify the body.”
Dan chuckled. “That was funny. I may not leave Italy after the next couple of days, but I can promise you it won’t be you who kills me.”
Then Dan winked at Emilio, The diminutive gangster’s eyes bulged and his complexion reddened. His breathing was quick and shallow.
“Are you okay?” Dan asked. “You look like you need a doctor.”
Emilio screamed and he leaped at Dan, wrapping his hands around Dan’s throat. Dan fought back, but his fighting was futile. John and Steven pulled Emilio off Dan before Emilio could pull a knife.
Abraham brought the car to a screeching halt. The driver said, “Emilio, up here with me. Now!”
Emilio did as Abraham told him. He knew he had fucked up and would be in trouble with the boss when they returned. Emilio was sweating and shaking. Once Emilio was in the front seat, Abraham continued driving.
Dan rubbed his neck, and he coughed a few times. “Oh, yeah, can I have my phone back?”
John handed Dan his phone, and then Dan quickly fell sleep, as did John and Steven.
*
The doctors awoke when the car arrived at the Professor’s home. Abraham ushered them inside. Emilio followed.
The two men escorted the vacationers into the Professor’s office. The Professor sat behind his enormous desk, reading, when his guests returned.
“Welcome back my friends, so good to see you again. Please sit down. You must be Dr. Carter. I am very pleased to meet you.” The Professor stood and held out his large, beefy hand.
Dan shook it with good-natured friendship.
“I am Professor Marin from Chelsea, London, England.”
“I can tell. You sound like James Mason.”
Professor Marin laughed. John and Steven both thought, ‘Called it.’
“Dr. Carter, may I introduce my colleague, Dr. Sallie DuBois.”
“Enchanté,” Dan said, and Sallie smiled.
“I hope your friends have filled you in on what is happening and why we must enlist outsiders in… this thing of ours.” the Professor said and motioned for all to sit down.
“Yeah, they filled in me about this tragical history tour you spouted and how you are searching for a magical green bead the size of my butthole. Something about the orb of prophecy, the orb of time, the orb of wisdom.”
The Professor smiled. “Your friends said you were funny. You proved them right. How was your trip?”
“Rougher than I would have liked. Your little boy over there has the softest, silky, but strong hands, which I noticed when they were around my neck.”
“He attacked you?”
All three Americans nodded.
The Professor sighed and shook his head. “I cannot tell you how sorry I am about this development. He will be punished for his… lack of control.” The Professor pressed a button on his desk.
A voice came back, “Yes, Professor?”
“Abraham, have Emilio mulched.”
Over the intercom, the doctors listened as Emilio screamed, begged, and pleaded, but the Professor ignored his pleas. Steven and John listened with petrified horror.
“Wow,” Dan said. “Like a real-life Bond villain. Impressive and terrifying. All you need to do is pet a cat on your lap next time.”
“Highly unlikely. I am deathly allergic to the ghastly things. Now that that regretfully necessary business has concluded, where was I? Oh, yes, you would tell me about where you saw the orb. Leave out no detail, no matter how insignificant.”
“Oh, God,” Steven uttered. He had not meant to say it but the words just fell out of his mouth. “Excuse me, Professor; you don’t want to do that. You don’t know him. He can ramble on for hours. You will want to ask about the orb and Dan, here, will discuss the differences between seasons four and five ‘Full House,’ for example. I would recommend you ask for a summary unless you don’t want your answer until tea time tomorrow.”
“Rude,” Dan said. “It would be ‘Designing Women,’ not ‘Full House.’ It was not the same when Delta Burke left.”
“I see your point,” the Professor said. “Dr. Carter, please summarize when you saw the orb earlier today.”
Dan summarized his day and when he strayed from the topic, John would kick his chair.
“But you saw the orb?” The Professor asked excited, similar to a child told he was going to Disney World for his birthday.
“I did. I took it from a bag inside a meth-head’s fake boob. I had it in my hand… and then I dropped it. Sorry about that, but I had a dying drug mule to save.”
“It is all right. What is important is that someone has seen it after all these years and I know who has it.” The Professor said, and then he became lost in thought. He muttered, “And then there is the Count,” and went back to thinking.
“The Count?” John asked.
The Professor looked surprised he said that aloud. “Yes. He and his wife are a vicious lot.”
This was hard for John to hear, but he kept a cool, poker face.
“They believe that the stone belongs to them because the orb once belonged to his family centuries ago before someone stole it. They are holding onto an antiquated title of nobility that no longer has meaning to the outside world.”
“Oh, I understand that,” Dan said. “They called me ‘Kegmeister Carter’ during my fraternity days, but since I have left, no one wants a doctor called Kegmeister operating on them. I guess it’s kind of similar.”
Both John and Steven glared at Dan with stunned incredulity. The Professor ignored him and continued.
“Perhaps, but while they can no longer use the title of nobility to pursue their aims, they still have their wealth. I believe it was they who paid the Sabellas to orchestrate your kidnapping and forcing you to partake in their nefarious operations.”
“Wait a minute,” Dan said and became lost in thought for a few seconds. “Stop me when I lose you.” He turned to his friends. “So far, I’ve met a guy called Tex, a Professor, I performed surgery on three living dead girls, and now there is a Count, all of whom are pining for a valuable, if corruptible, jewel believed lost for centuries. Holy shit, let’s write a screenplay because this sounds like ‘Dracula’ meets ‘The Maltese Falcon.’”
“Wait, what?” John asked. His eyes were wide, because Dan had mentioned something that was in his dream from the plane.
Dan laughed, and said, “Oh, my God, I am so meta right now it’s like I am tripping balls. Wooo!”
The Professor asked, “What is he talking about?”
Steven shook his head. “Who knows?”
The Professor snapped at Dan in a harsh voice, hoping to stop his laughing. “Did you know that the jewel was first commissioned by the King of Florence in 1350 as a gift to his mistress?”
“Did you know that women in pottery and ceramics classes give the best hand jobs?” Dan retorted.
The Professor took a deep breath, closed his eyes for a couple seconds, and then opened them. He wiped his brow with his handkerchief.
“Did you know that in 1505, it is said that the powerful alchemist, Klaus Bruno possessed the orb for a short time? Rumor has it he put part of his magical essence into it before the Catholic Church killed him for heresy.”
Dan appeared thoughtful and then responded, “Did you know that both The Simpsons Movie and The Dark Knight Rises have roughly the same plotlines? Although I do not think Fox
will sue, because it is unlikely anyone will confuse Homer Simpson for Batman.”
The Professor’s face reddened, and the doctors saw the vein on his forehead throbbing. His breathing became even more labored than before. He coughed twice, and the doctors thought that he might die of a stroke right there. However, the Professor regained control, slowed his breathing and his temper. When it passed a minute later, the Professor asked, “Why are you not taking this seriously?”
“Because I don’t care.”
The answer surprised the Professor as if he had never considered that possibility.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t care about your gang war. I don’t care about your operations nor how smart you are, and I don’t care about a green magic ball they nearly killed me over. I just don’t. I just want to go back to my lavish and offensively-priced hotel room and enjoy the long fucking vacation that my friends and I more than deserve, get drunk for the rest of the month, and be left alone. How is this too hard to understand?”
“You don’t want the orb?” The Professor’s face became bloodless.
“Fuck no. Why would I?”
“Be-be-because it’s priceless. It’s unique. It’s magical.”
“It’s a glorified bauble, Gollum; a first place trophy that will collect dust. It’s not worth my time or consideration.”
Steven raised his hand as if he was back in class. “Um, why exactly would you want a cursed object?”
“Yeah, really,” Dan said. “It’s like bidding on that Annabelle doll at an auction.”
“You don’t understand,” The Professor said. “It is only cursed because the men who possessed it were bad. The stone gives great power to men who can wield it without corruption.”
“Says the gangster and drug dealer,” Dan said, and his friends feared this was where they would die.
“I am not a scoundrel like the Sabellas or the Count. I did what I had to do as a means to an end. I am a professor! That is my career and my life. If I did not help control the drug trade and make sure everybody in my organization obeys the rules, it would be far worse. We do not sell to children! We do not use violence at all, if possible.”
“Why are we still here?” Steven asked.
“Yes, thank you, Dr. Pierce. I like you. You are a man of reason.” The Professor calmed down and got his breathing back under control. “Back to the matter at hand. Dr. Carter, please regale us again with the exciting tale of your time with the Sabellas.”
“Should I start with when I met the honeypot hooker or when your slimy, little weirdo was stalking me?”
“How about we start from the next morning when Sabella’s men arrived?”
“Okay, as I said, I learned that last night’s hook up was a pro and wanted too much money for some nookie, and then the goons arrived, and I thought they just wanted me because of my male-model features and cheekbones, but they wanted me for my sick, mad, medical skills. I got to meet some lovely people, including an errand boy named Tex, who was like your pint-sized goon, but possessed an extra one hundred IQ points included as an optional extra.”
The Professor sighed hearing that the Sabellas had a better goon than he.
“They would not let me change clothes, take a shower, or take a dump before they kidnapped me, so I was naked except for my SpongeBob SquarePants bathrobe. I met Tex, who seemed nice enough at first, and then we took a helicopter ride to the Sabellas’ hospital in Pompeii. They have a children’s and teaching hospital. Do you have a children’s and teaching hospital?”
The Professor groaned.
“Then I had to do the surgeries on these three blood dolls or mules or whatever you call them. Either way, they were the living dead. They were still alive when I escaped or at least I thought they were.”
“What about the stone? Did you see the stone?” The Professor grew excited.
Dan sighed. He had told the tale before but the Professor was a kid who needed the same story read repeatedly until his parents were sick of that book.
Dan said, “Oh yeah, that. I removed the smuggled stone out of a woman’s bosom.”
“Where is it?”
“The stone?”
“YES!”
“Oh, Tex has it last I saw it.”
“You don’t know?”
“Once again, Gollum, I do not care about ‘the precious.’ I escaped from the hospital and found my way here, which was a pretty sweet escape, like, an action movie worthy escape.”
“So, the Sabellas have it,” the Professor sighed. “Well, at least it is no longer lost. I just have to deal with the Sabellas. Damn it!”
The three doctors sat waiting for the Professor to speak. He sighed. “Oh, well, too bad you could not have swiped it, Dr. Carter. I would have preferred to deal with you instead.”
“Really? Maybe I should have snatched it when I had the chance, but to be honest, I was worried for my life. But hypothetically, let’s say I snagged the orb, what are you willing to offer me?”
The Professor chuckled and said, “I would offer you two-hundred and fifty thousand euros.”
“Paid when?”
“Tonight in cash.”
“And then what?”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“I mean, can we take your money and leave and we will never see each other again? I mean, if I had it, and we agreed to this deal, I don’t want to wake up with the fishes. Or if I had it, how would I know you wouldn’t have your goon squad reenact the St. Valentine’s Day massacre on us because you want your money back?”
“Well, playing this little game of hypotheticals, I would consider it a purchase, a costly purchase, but a purchase not unlike this house. I did not kill the previous owners of this house and that family wanted considerably more than two-hundred and fifty thousand euros. When matters come to my attention that need such extreme measures, I assure you it is because there is no other way. From my point of you, if you had the orb, I made a purchase from three vacationing American doctors, who were fortunate enough to find a particular item that interested me. I would provide a receipt and I would consider our business together ended. I would wish you well and hope you enjoy your vacation in this beautiful country I have made my home… that is, if you had the orb.”
Dan considered for a few seconds, and then he stood up and undid his pants. Dan shocked the people in the room because they had no idea what the mad doctor was doing. He reached into his underwear, and his expression indicated he was digging deeply inside. He winked at Sallie, who vomited inside her mouth.
Then Dan pulled his hand from his underwear and produced the Orb of Genoa. The Professor and Sallie stared in awe.
“Here it is,” Dan said. “But you really should wash it. Its had high stress and sweaty day. It was drenched in a lot of my ball sweat and the like from being up my ass all afternoon. I told you it was the size of my butthole. How do you think I knew that?”
Sallie almost gagged hearing that. The Professor pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and reached for it. Dan retracted his hand and with his left hand, he wagged his finger.
“Uh-uh,” Dan said. “Cash first and then you can play with your toy. I’m not Santa, er, Father Christmas to you.”
“I will need to examine the orb first, and then we can make the purchase. I fear this will be a late night. Sallie, please inform the kitchen staff that they will need to work a night shift this evening and they will earn double overtime for their efforts. They must prepare another meal and we are going to need some strong coffee and some tea for me.”
Sallie nodded and headed out. As an afterthought, the Professor added, “One more thing, please bring a large bowl of hot, soapy water and towels, so we can wash the orb… and Dr. Carter’s hands.”
“Gladly,” she said.
Everyone sat down and waited for Sallie to return with the soap and water and towels.
An exasperated Professor asked, “Dr. Carter, if it is not too much to ask, can you please
pull up your trousers?”
“Oh, yes.”
While they waited, the Professor watched with envy as Dan Carter played with the Orb of Genoa between his fingers. He offered to have his friends hold it, but they squirmed away.
“Not after it’s been in your butt,” Steven said.
“Yeah, hard pass on that,” John agreed.
Sallie returned with a large metal bowl of warm soapy water and placed the bowl onto the Professor’s desk. She told her boss, “The kitchen staff is awake and ready to get back to work. Mrs. Buona wanted to know if there was anything special, aside from coffee, they needed to prepare for this evening.”
The Professor shook his head and said, “No, I trust their judgment. Please convey my gratitude, Dr. DuBois.”
Sallie nodded and then took out her phone and texted Mrs. Buona.
“Dr. Carter, please place the orb into the water.”
Dan laughed. “Ha-ha, he wants to watch me wash my ball.” Then he snickered as if he was a little kid.
John and Steven were too embarrassed to laugh, and they veered away and sighed. The Professor pretended not to hear Dan. Sallie groaned.
After Dan submerged his hands and the orb in the warm, soapy water and scrubbed as if he was going to operate again. Dan removed his clean hands from the bowl.
The Professor removed the orb and dried it with a towel. He turned on a desk lamp, took out a jeweler’s monocle magnifying glass, placed it into his right eye, and studied the orb like an anxious child with a new Christmas present. After a few minutes of close observation, the Professor set the sphere down on the spread out the towels, removed his jeweler’s monocle, and returned it to his desk drawer. The Professor could not stop beaming. He whispered some barely audible words as though he was talking to the orb, and then the orb lit up.
“Dr. DuBois, please give Dr. Carter the five-cent tour of the house.”
Sallie DuBois rolled her eyes, forced a smile, and said, “Come on, let me give you the tour.”
John and Steven had seen it all before and were not listening. Dan, mentally exhausted, heard nothing Sallie DuBois said. He stopped in front of a bookcase; saw an ancient book with nothing written on the cover. On impulse, he grabbed the book and shoved it inside his pants.