by Michael Dunn
Fuck, Tex thought. Not only did the American doctor steal it after performing his forced surgery, but he escaped with the emerald and sold it to the competition.
Smart, Tex thought, if not a little bit crazy.
His muscle went in first to the basement and Tex listened to them gasp and scream.
“Boss, you gotta see this.”
Tex walked down the stairs and the coppery smell of blood got him first. The bodies had not been dead long enough to stink of rotted meat. The bodies of his associates strewn all over the floor with deep slash marks gorged through their torsos and heads as though a large animal had attacked them. Men use guns, or knives if they are genuinely savage, but even if the killer, or killers, went all Norman Bates on his career criminal colleagues, there was no way they could have left a mess like this. The doctors who were tripping balls claimed there was a dragon eating the men. How could he believe them when the doctors were tripping the light fantastic? It was insane to believe the crazy. But then again, where are bodies of the American doctors?
Wait, Tex remembered something about a woman. She had called one doctor ‘handsome.’ Did she mean Dr. Carter or one of his friends? He thought that he recognized the woman. Was that really the Contessa Teresa Vincezzo on the phone? Tex was not sure. The gangster had overheard rumors that she and her husband were actual, honest-to-God monsters.
I guess this proves it; he thought. She came with her band of monsters, killed his men, kidnapped the men he had kidnapped earlier at her husband’s request. After all that she had the nerve to question his devotion to the job!
Oh, that bitch! Robert Romano mentally screamed. Yeah, she’ll die as soon as I get enough reinforcements to storm her fucking ancient castle and bomb it back to the Stone Age. It’s time for those fucking monsters to join the rest of the 21st Century. They would pay for this.
*
After breakfast, Dan, John, and Steven explored the castle. It was an impressive and imposing stone building, built in a time when a fortified castle protected this wealthy family from marauding invaders planning to kill everyone and take the castle for themselves. However, one unique difference, it did not imitate the traditional castles the doctors had seen in movies. Instead, it resembled an old, hotel.
Eggshell white was the predominant color, mixed with a secondary favorite of royal blue. The hallways were narrow and ornately decorated. The room with a fireplace resembled a small sitting room.
“Look above the mantle,” Steven said, pointing to the sizeable weird painting, a bizarre, green coat of arms. The other two peered inside for a closer peek.
“It’s the same painting the Professor owned.”
“That’s weird,” Dan said.
“Do you think it is a coincidence?” Steven asked.
“Nope,” John said. “Let’s go somewhere to plan.”
Steven and Dan nodded and followed John to the room in the castle he recognized the best. They needed to learn why the Contessa had saved them from those mobsters brought them here.
Dan asked, “Do you think the Professor and his people are trying to kill the vampiric Count, you know, like in that book we were all supposed to read in high school?”
“I don’t know,” John said. “Maybe we aren’t on the right side.”
“There are sides?” Steven asked. “Another thing I would like to add. Let’s say, for the sake of argument, we happen upon a room in the basement with coffins where the Count and the Contessa are sleeping. What do we do then? We don’t have wooden stakes. Hell, we have any weapons, only dying cell phones.”
“I don’t know,” John said. “I have no more answers to give. I have told you everything I learned over breakfast, including the floating sex and Teresa’s necklace which resembled the emerald Dan used as a third testicle yesterday. We should keep exploring until we something that answers some questions. Let’s go find the library.”
“Where is that exactly?” Dan asked. “We can’t we just go to the front desk and ask for directions.”
“Let’s go to the master bedroom,” John said.
“Why?” Steven asked.
“Because I have been in that room more than once.”
Dan’s phone played The Weather Girls’ “It’s Raining Men,” as they were heading back to the master bedroom. Dan did not recognize the number, but answered anyway. It could be a way out.
“Hello?”
“Dan, it’s Tex.”
“Oh, hi asshole. How have you been? Unfortunately, you missed the part where this Tolkien-inspired dragon ate your guys, because if you had been there you wouldn’t be bothering me right now.”
Dan could practically hear Tex gnashing his teeth and trying to control his anger over the phone. “By the way, what the fuck do you want? Can’t you just die and…”
“Listen, you sick, stupid motherfucker!” Tex screamed into the phone. “You’re gonna tell me where I can get find emerald or I’m gonna cut off your testicles and shove them down your throat!”
“Language, sir. Geez, I would never imagine a gangster talking like that. Do you kiss your Godfather’s ring with that mouth?”
Tex was screaming on the other end of the phone. He put his thumb over the microphone so he could laugh at him.
“Okay, okay, okay,” Dan said. “I am sorry. That was uncalled for. I should not have said it. My bad.”
“You despicable piece of shit…”
“Says the Italian-American gangster.”
“I’ve killed people for less than that…”
“Yeah, well, I’m at the Count’s castle, dipshit, and bring a Samsung Galaxy 7 phone charger if you want to negotiate. My phone is almost dead.”
Dan hung up not giving Tex a chance to respond.
“Hello? Hello?” Dan asked. His friends appeared stunned when Dan told them, “He didn’t even say ‘goodbye.’ That’s very rude.”
“Why the hell did you tell him where you were?” Steven shouted.
“Because he might help us escape from Dracula’s castle, duh.”
“He might also kill us.”
“Hmm… okay, there was a slight flaw in my plan.”
Steven reached out as if to strangle Dan, but John stopped him.
An exasperated Steven shouted at Dan, “Why do you always do this? Why do you always say the absolute worst things possible; things you realize might get you or all of us killed? I mean, we go to a bar, and it’s like you are itching to pick a fight sometimes. It’s like you’re trying to…”
“Like he’s trying to die,” John finished for Steven, and that was when Steven understood.
Dan said nothing for a moment. He broke the silence by saying, “Let’s keep exploring. We need weapons and answers. Let’s check the basement. That’s where I would keep an armory.”
Through some exploration, they found a door that led to a large, downward stone staircase.
“I think I saw this in Better Homes and Dungeons and Dragons. It has a limited, yet obsessively loyal readership,” Dan said.
It was cold but airy in a wine cellar way. The air was not stale, but surprisingly fresh and chilly. At the bottom of the stairs was a thick, old wooden door with a rounded top and long black hinges that appeared recently painted. A large, black iron knocker hung on the door. Steven tried to pull, but it would not budge and then he tried to push it open, but it was locked.
Steven wiped his brow, jumped, and screamed when he saw Teresa’s almost unnaturally large bodyguard Bernardo with that same dull expression on his face.
The monster said, “Come. Place forbidden.” He then ushered them up the stairs. Dan went first, followed by Steven, and finally John before the bodyguard followed them shutting the door.
“Do not… return there,” the bodyguard groaned. “The master… will be back soon.”
Dan air-guitared Edgar Winter’s “Frankenstein.”
The big guy did not respond, which annoyed Dan.
“You seem unhappy, big guy,” Dan said. “Maybe
if we found you a nice girl, one who kind of resembles Marge Simpson. Y’know, ‘The Simpsons?’ A new show on TV that has been on for thirty years? Maybe it doesn’t broadcast in Italy.”
The bodyguard did not acknowledge Dan, but the doctors noticed the heightened electrical activity in the bodyguard’s electrodes. Was he getting instructions from somewhere?
“Do you need anything?” The large man asked slowly.
“What is your name?” Steven asked.
The large man stared at them with dead, soupy eyes and then spoke slowly. “Bernardo.”
“Bernardo,” John said. “How did you come to work for the Count?”
Several seconds passed before the answer came. Bernardo said, “I… cannot remember. I have… always been here.”
“You know, he’s like a less rabid zombie,” Dan said.
“Dan, stop it!” Steven yelled. “We’re trying to find answers the best we can before your hitman comes and takes us out, so if you can’t say anything productive, SHUT UP!”
Dan backed down.
John continued and asked, “Bernardo, what instructions did your master give you about us?”
Again, there was the slow processing before the answer, not unlike how ‘computers’ on TV shows worked decades ago.
“I am to watch over you. I am to keep you safe. I am to keep you in the castle until the master returns.”
Steven said, “So we are like soft prisoners.”
John nodded and continued with his questions. “Bernardo, why does your master want to keep us in the castle?”
“He wants you to be guests tonight… for dinner… for the ritual.”
“Yes, the Eve of the Dragon,” John said. “What are we going to be doing during the ritual?”
“I… do not know.”
“Bernardo,” Steven asked, “Where are your masters right now?”
“They are… indisposed until evening.”
“Are they vampires?” Steven asked.
Processing… processing… processing… “No, they are not vampires.”
“Are there any weapons in this house?” Dan asked. “Seriously? You guys don’t care if this place has weapons lying around?”
Steven and John nodded. He had a point.
“Yes, there are weapons.”
“Can we get to them?” John asked.
“Yes… they are in the armory.”
“Of course, they are in the armory,” Dan said. “Show us where the armory is.”
Processing… processing… processing…
“Follow me.”
Bernardo lumbered forward.
Dan chuckled and said, “At least he didn’t say, ‘Walk this way,’ because that would have been funny.”
Bernardo led them to a room in the far east wing filled with antique weaponry.
“Holy Stately Wayne Manor, Batman!” Dan said, trying to sound like Robin from the old Batman TV show.
They acted like kids let loose in a lethal toy store. They observed, held, and wielded the ancient weapons, trying them out, seeing which ones were the most suitable and desirable.
Minutes later, Bernardo’s electrodes lit up again.
“You… have… visitor.”
“Us?” Steven asked.
Bernardo nodded.
“Who?” John asked.
“Mr.... Roberto... Romano.”
“Who?” John asked.
“Tex,” Dan answered. To Bernardo, Dan said, “Don’t let him in.”
“He… is… already… inside.”
Chapter Seventeen: Dan’s Visitor
One balcony faced the sea as though the castle was a posh restaurant inside a hotel. Tex sat at the middle table away from everyone with a breathtaking view of the Mediterranean Sea.
“Hi, Dan,” Tex said, raising a wine glass. The servants had treated him as a welcomed lunch guest.
“Did you bring the charger like I asked?”
Tex reached into his jacket. Steven and John gasped and froze. Romano tossed the cord and adapter to the middle of the table. Steven and John sighed while Dan scooped up the items.
“Not even a thank you? That hurts my feelings.”
“Thank you,” Dan said, dripping with sarcasm.
“Join me for lunch, will you?”
They hesitated and Dan sat across from Tex. He leaned back, relaxed.
John and Steven sat at an adjacent table near Dan and Tex. The servants arrived with glasses of beers for the American doctors.
“What shall we talk about?” Tex asked.
“Did you think The Godfather Part III was truly that bad? I didn’t. I mean, yes, the premise lost its way by including the vast conspiracy and corruption of the Vatican Bank instead of the evolving world of organized crime, but I got what they were trying to do. The Return of the Jedi had similar problems. I didn’t agree with using the primitive teddy bear picnic Ewoks, but I get Lucas was going for when he…”
“I want to talk about the gem. The Orb of Genoa. I want it back.”
“Didn’t we tell you yesterday before your goons became Scooby snacks for a dragon that we sold it to the less-than-jolly Professor Marin?”
“What you are going to do is leave the castle with me, steal the orb back from the Professor, and bring it back to me.”
Dan laughed and then said, “I must be rubbing off on you. You’re getting a sense of humor, because that is the quickest way to die horribly I can think of, except maybe masturbating with a chainsaw. Send your goombah army to siege that fortress. I don’t believe the Professor would put up much of fight for anything, except maybe sharing a slice of pie.”
“I need it today.”
“That’s nice.”
“Do you realize what tonight is?”
Dan took a small drink and said, “Some kind of ritual night my captors, er, hosts have been vague about this evening. I guess it is a somewhat spooky magical night, like Halloween, but without candy. Do we need costumes for this shindig?”
Tex chuckled and said, “Something like that. It’s the Eve of the Dragon, or Night of the Obarra, whichever you choose. Allegedly, with the right tools, like the emerald, and the right words, and the right offering, tonight opens some kind of magical door, a portal to unimaginable power, or some shit like that. That’s why both sides are fighting for that precious green bauble. The Count wanted it here and not around the sausage fingers of that fat fucking Professor.”
“And you want the emerald so Tony Soprano’s stunt double won’t kill you?”
“Because I will perform the ritual myself.”
“Are you now?”
Tex nodded.
“You want to use the emerald to perform this ritual in a rivalry against both the Professor and the vampiric owners of this magnificent castle?”
“They’re vampires?”
“Yeah, we suspect they are vampires.”
“Really?”
“Well, they can fly, according to John, and they can transform into monsters, which you learned about, and we won’t see them again until this evening at dinner. Doesn’t this sound like the plot of an old Hammer Horror film from the 1970’s?”
“The Count hired my people.”
“Did you ever meet him?”
“No, he made the arrangements over the phone and they sent orders down the chain of command. You know how it goes.”
Dan nodded. “I do know how it goes and you’re crazier than me if you think you will get the ring from the Professor today. I’ve been accused me of being suicidal, but I am not crazy enough to try this. And I am definitely not a criminal. I’m sure you would have more experience in this field than I do.”
“I may have more experience, but you know the Professor’s Lair, and tonight you WILL become a criminal!” Tex retorted.
“You’re a real tough guy with your gun in your jacket,” Dan said.
“I don’t need a gun to be a tough guy around you.”
“Bullshit,” Dan said after sipping his beer.
“There. You see? You can be nice.”
Tex chuckled. “You’re going to come with me to get that orb and if you don’t, I will put you into the hospital, because I want you alive while I kill all your friends first.” Tex motioned to the other two surgeons. “Then I’ll be on a plane to Miami, where me and some guys are going to wipe out your family, but first we’ll make sure the news makes it to the hospital here, and after you read or hear about the horrific deaths of your family and friends, I’ll come back and your feeble excuse of a life.”
Dan seethed, but stayed quiet.
“You see, Dan, I now understand why you had to become a plastic surgeon. You’re not funny. You would have never made it as a stand-up comedian, and if you had the guts to try, you would have become one of those sad cases whose career pinnacle would be a two-line role as a wacky next-door-neighbor on a crappy sitcom before you returned to do a show in Peoria or Iowa or some other small venue Maybe even an occasional State Fair! However, because of your lack of comedic ability, you settled for becoming a doctor. Your family did you a huge favor by forcing you to give up your fantasy otherwise…”
Dan tossed the rest of his beer into Tex’s face and grabbed the gun.
Tex wiped the beer off his face and laughed at Dan. “I guess the joke was always on you. Did you honestly think I’d leave a loaded gun on the table if even remotest…?”
Dan pulled the trigger. The first bullet shattered Tex’s right clavicle. The second bullet exploded into his chest an inch from his heart. The final hollow point exploded in his throat. Robert Romano gurgled blood for a couple of seconds before falling out of his chair onto the floor.
His friends watched in horror as Dan wrapped the smoking gun in his napkin.
“Bernardo!” Dan shouted. Dan stood up, trembling, red faced, and wheezing.
Bernardo arrived.
“Where does the master keep the dead bodies?”
“I ... do not understand.”
“Take this body to the freezer,” Dan commanded.
The processors on the servant’s temples blinked rapidly. A few seconds later, Bernardo said, “Yes… I will do it.”
He hoisted the dead body with little effort.