“Because being without it will shred your heart if you lose it.” Her answer was prompt and emphatic. She grabbed the pan. “I couldn’t survive that again.”
“By God’s grace you could.”
Maria went to the stove and fussed over the gravy. She stirred then tapped the excess from the edge of the spoon. “I used to believe that with all I am. Now, I’m not so sure. The closer I get to Brody, do you know what I keep thinking?”
“What’s that?”
“That I want my old life back. I want Jacob. I want the love we shared. I don’t want to be unfaithful to him. I don’t want to fall in love with someone else and move on. It’s like saying Jacob has been dismissed. Like he didn’t matter.”
“Maria, that could never—ever—be the case.”
She was grateful for the support, yet when she cast a glance toward her mother, Maria sensed a “but” on the horizon.
“But Jake wasn’t God’s will for you. Not for the entirety of your life, anyway.”
It only took an instant for Maria’s blood to simmer. “Mom. I seriously don’t need that. I don’t need reasons to be mad at God. I’m trying hard to find my way back to a relationship with Him, and that doesn’t help. I’ll never understand why He took Jake away from me—and Lilly. Never.”
Maria’s mom braced her hip against the counter and faced Maria directly while Maria continued to stir clumps out of the gravy. “Maybe this will help. Savor the season you shared with Jake. It was a precious gift. Don’t ever let him leave your heart. No one who loves you would ask you to forget about a man you loved so deeply. But at the same time, you need to accept the fact that God still has plans for you. Happy and incredible plans. Have confidence in God again. Trust Him again.”
“Mom.” Maria shot off the one-word warning.
“Those plans won’t include Jake,” she continued, adamant, “but they’ll always include what’s best for your heart and the life He’s given you. God loves you. It only makes sense that He’d send along a new man to nurture your spirit…a man who sees in you the same kind of beauty and gifts that Jake did. Don’t let that fact scare you. Instead, accept it. Rejoice and be grateful. That way, there’s no chance you could ever harbor anger toward God.” She paused strategically. “Right?”
Maria gnawed on her lower lip for a second and met her mother’s eyes. “Yes. You’re right. But I’m still scared.”
In posture and expression, her mom softened. She stepped close and gave Maria’s shoulder a squeeze. “Being scared is OK, but I think Brody will erase that fear if you find the courage to let him. He makes you feel good. You’ve described him as a wonderful man who’s interested in getting to know you. Stop running and start embracing those emotions again. It’d be the best Thanksgiving blessing ever. He sounds like a special breed of man.”
“Mom!”
“OK, OK.” She giggled. “I’ll quit for now, because your face is as red as those beets we need to work on next. Still, he’s invited for Thanksgiving if you’d like.”
Thanksgiving, with Brody. They’d curl up together on the couch, cheer for whatever football game her dad might be tune to; they’d overeat, laugh, and fill themselves with vital warmth and the kind of beauty that kept every form of the dawning winter’s cold at bay…
Maria tingled. “Oh, I’m sure he has plans.”
“Check with him. If he does, maybe he could stop by afterward for a slice of that apple pie you’ve created.”
“Mom, you’re relentless!” Maria burst into laughter, amazed by how much easier it became, day by day, to relax her guard and drink in the flavors, the textures, of happiness once again. Then, of course, there was the matter of apple pie. The spicy aroma and sweetness of the filling she mixed took Maria straight back to the God-ordained moment when Brody had crossed the threshold of the offices at Heart’s Haven. Her version might not compare to that of Granny Hart, but—
“I’m relentless, yes. Now, are you going to invite him?”
Maria closed her eyes. Breathed. When she did, she savored the rush of vitality that sang through her body. “OK. I’ll ask.”
“Good. Now, let’s fill that pie tin and get it into the oven.” In emphasis, she snapped a hand towel from its resting spot on her shoulder.
Maria grabbed a rubber spatula. “And this year, let’s be careful about the baking time and temperature. Otherwise, Dad will let us have it again about making the edges of the pie just a little too crispy.”
Covered by the laughter she shared with her mother, Maria returned to work on preps for Thanksgiving dinner. They chatted while they poured and spread. Maria recognized freedom when she tasted it. Increasingly, she experienced the unburdened, tantalizing sensation of sliding into spirit-deep happiness.
And for the first time in half a year, the idea of finding happiness didn’t terrify her.
5
“Do you, Maria Elizabeth O’Hara take Jacob Stuart Wilde to be your lawfully wedded…”
“Do you, Jacob Stuart Wilde, take Maria Elizabeth O’Hara…”
“I will love you, honor you and cherish you…”
“All the days of my life.”
“’Til death do us part.”
Death do us part...
Do us part…
Wedding vows echoed, rolling through Maria’s dreams in a resonant melody of love and commitment. Maria fell deeper, more willingly, into a world she knew wasn’t precisely real; nonetheless, this time and place felt tangible. Sacred. In an instant of metamorphosis, Jacob no longer wore the groom’s tuxedo, or a corsage of greenery crowned by a white calla lily. Before her eyes he transformed into a translucent embodiment of the man she had known on earth—jeans and a polo shirt, a loose limbed stance and a love that radiated clear through to the depths of his soul.
“Hey, Sparks.”
The endearment rolled off his tongue like music, and she released an ache into a sound of wistful longing. His eyes shone with a vitality that was as familiar to her as wind song, yet as deep and rich, as unfathomable as God’s very Kingdom.
“Jake…”
He touched her lips. Only then did a sense of sadness reach into her heart. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for the battles you’ve had to fight since I’ve been gone.” He stepped close. She could smell him; she could feel his warmth and she yearned.
“I miss you so much.”
“Please don’t, sweetheart. You shouldn’t. You really shouldn’t. Not this much.” In his being there was no sense of condemnation or any form of negativity. Rather, he wrapped his arms around her waist and held her close, capturing her gaze with his.
Maria felt thoroughly known, exposed. When guilt left her pulling slightly away, he held her secure. His loving, penetrating aura never wavered as a word, a name, pushed through her entire being.
Brody.
“Jake, no. No…you need to understand that…that I miss you with every beat of my heart. I want you back so much…”
“I know that, but it’s not meant to be. You love him, Sparks. A good man loves you as well as I ever could have. Is it any wonder he captured your heart?”
She jutted her chin. “No. I won’t love him. I won’t let myself feel this way. I can’t. I don’t want to give you up. You were the love of my life. How can I ever let that go, or replace it? It’s disrespectful. It dishonors you and everything we felt for each other and everything we shared. Everything you sacrificed your life for.”
“Maria, do you realize something?” He stroked her cheek in a slow, savoring caress. Again, the moment they shared was rife with tenderness and love, no negativity whatsoever.
“What?”
“You’re speaking in the past tense.”
She gasped, and her throat tightened against a wedge of emotion so powerful her blood began to pound. He was right…and how wretched was that? “No. Never. Nothing about you and I will ever be pushed to the side or forgotten.”
“Sparks…loving Brody does no such thing. There’s no shame
, and there’s no guilt.” Tears sprung to life, beading along her lashes. He slipped a fingertip beneath her eyes to wipe them away. “I see your heart. I see what you feel. It’s beautiful. It’s what I wish for you.”
Her chin quaked. “I don’t want to ever forget you or stop loving you.”
He rested his forehead against hers. “Do you honestly think you ever will?”
Silence fell—peaceful, yet full of knowing. Maria shook her head. “No.”
“A piece of my heart will always be inside you, and inside Lilly. That’s forever.”
Jacob gazed into her eyes through a timeless span of distance, revealing an abundance of love that even death couldn’t break. Its impact swept through her spirit.
“Your life is too beautiful a gift to be sacrificed to death and loss,” he concluded. “God is giving you a future.”
“But Jake, I didn’t ever, ever want us to end.”
He drew her in tight. Maria snuggled against him as Jake began to sway. “We never will. But you’re still alive. You have a lot left to do. A lot of love left to share. Don’t waste it, Sparks. I’m your past, and it’s a beautiful, wonderful past. But you need to let it go. You need to look to the future, and see where God needs you to go now that our time has passed. You love him. Let him in.”
“It scares me, because my feelings are so powerful, but my feelings for you are just as powerful. So is the sense that I’m betraying you.” Maria tucked her head against his shoulder to absorb his comforting presence and light.
“Don’t be afraid, Sparks. Embrace the way you feel, and know this. I never want anything but your happiness. You deserve to be happy.” He leaned back to address her directly. “Would you be happy without him?”
She hesitated. She chewed her lower lip, unwilling to diminish, even in death, the vows she had made to the man who first held her heart. Yet once again, all she felt was Jacob’s love. It ran so strong it left her secure enough that she could finally find a way to answer.
“No, I wouldn’t.”
“Does he make you feel precious and treasured?”
Very slowly she nodded. “When I let him get close enough.”
“Then go to him. Love him. Don’t hold back. Doing so diminishes God’s most awesome miracles: life and love.”
Her tears spilled free…a release, a joy, a last vestige of mourning.
“Brody is a good man.” Jake spoke firmly, but with love. “He’s touched your heart, and you touch his. There’s no crime in that, Maria. There’s no shame in returning his love. I want you to share yourself and build a family for Lilly. Most of all, I want you to love again. Fully. With joy.”
She stirred, feeling the give and squeak of the bed. Lush, velvety dreams transformed to a grayish wash, then pearlescent white. Tenuous wisps of fog began to dissipate. On one level of consciousness, she realized the night’s sleep dissolved and she was waking up. On another, she refused to surrender the moment.
“Moving on doesn’t mean you don’t love me, Sparks. It means you’re alive. Remember, it’s OK to let me go.”
Jacob’s final words swirled through her head, sifting through the dream mist that gradually lifted. She fought the rising, unwilling to surrender this moment of being bathed by his presence. But when she blinked her eyes open, Maria came upon the sight of her cell phone, which flashed with some form of a notification she had received while asleep.
She grabbed the device from her lamp stand and discovered a text message from Brody which read: Happy Thanksgiving. Just woke up and u came 2 mind & heart immediately. Consider ur day already prayed 4. C u in a bit 4 church then a marathon Thanksgiving eating session. Love, B
Love, B. Maria closed her eyes and let silence prevail. She absorbed everything she could—the dream, the awakening, the love. While she had been dreaming of Jacob, as Jacob had no doubt visited her mind and soul, Brody had been praying for her. Her chest swelled.
There was no stronger way for God to speak His direction.
For the first time since Jacob’s death, Maria rediscovered the hopeful promise of God’s goodness—a goodness that had been delivered in the shape of a love she never thought she’d find again. She rolled out of bed, newfound determination strengthening and lightening her steps.
It was time to follow Jacob’s advice and God’s call. It was time to start living—and loving—again. The resolution left Maria unencumbered and free. At peace.
She couldn’t wait to get started.
6
“God creates the tapestry of our life, not us.” Maria listened intently as Pastor David Myers preached. “That can be pretty tough to hear when things don’t go the way we plan. Free will sometimes tricks us into thinking we know best, but the Father that He is, God keeps us always under His loving guidance and protection. He graces us even when we fight against Him. Sometimes the colors He uses in our life are vibrant, bright, and amazing. Sometimes they're deep and saturating. But here’s a promise...and a truth. Both aspects combine into stunning beauty when we trust the Master’s hand. Happy Thanksgiving, my brothers and sisters. And, remember. Above all circumstances, above all gains and losses, above everything that life delivers in between, God loves you.”
Maria came dangerously close to weeping. Her hand was tucked warm and firm into Brody’s. They sat side by side in a time-worn wooden pew at Falls Tabernacle. Using her free hand, Maria reached into her purse for a tissue.
Brody tightened his hold on the hand he nestled and leaned against her. “Are you OK?”
She nodded in reply to his whispered concern. “The message really hit home.”
Brody was openly puzzled, but she didn’t want him to be distracted from the remaining prayers and musical interlude, so a smile of assurance curved her lips and enlivened her gaze. “I’ll fill you in afterward. Promise.”
He answered with a tentative smile as the congregation stood, continuing the worship service.
****
Following church, Maria reacquainted herself with several parishioners who lived at Heart’s Haven and enjoyed a short stretch of mix-and-mingle at Brody’s side before she needed to dash to her parents’ house, reunite with Lilly, and finish with Thanksgiving preparations.
A Thanksgiving that would be spent at Brody’s side.
This time her heart held nothing back. Reservations were a thing of the past, and that realization left her light and soaring. The idea of permanence with Brody filled Maria, delivering a sense of promise and an effervescent happiness she could barely contain. Soon they made their way through the rapidly emptying parking lot.
“It’s such a beautiful morning. Do you think we could pay a quick visit to the pond at Falls Park?” Maria climbed into Brody’s truck and clicked her seatbelt into place while he fired up the engine.
“Sure, but I don’t want to keep you from Lilly or getting ready for the holiday get together.”
Could the man be more perfect? Maria sincerely doubted it. “No problem there. She’s settled and waiting for us at my mom and dad’s.” They had decided to dine with the O’Hara’s for Thanksgiving dinner and then share desert and a traditional viewing of It’s A Wonderful Life with Brody’s family. “By the way, Lilly is fascinated by the boxes you dropped off so I can pack and move into my place at Heart’s Haven next week. Just before dinner last night, she discovered one that had toppled onto its side. She crawled inside, and we found her camped there with her blanket and my parents’ cat, Felix.”
Brody laughed. “Classic.” He promptly went sober. “Wish I had seen it.”
The sentence dangled. Silence spread. Evidently the statement brought him to an inner standstill. Maria wondered. Did he feel awkward about being enthusiastic toward Lilly, and was that wistfulness she detected about being included within her family? She sensed he wanted to say more, but rather than elaborate, he let silence have its way. They stopped at the park and left his vehicle behind.
While they walked, Brody gathered a breath and slid a protective, guiding
arm against her waist, saying, “I have something I need to say to you.”
They neared the pond, a stretch of greenish blue water that glittered beneath ice blue skies and danced against the occasional skim of a cool breeze. Maria waited out his somewhat ominous tone, brushing leaves and pine needles from the surface of a picnic table bench. She settled and Brody joined her.
“I need to apologize,” he continued. “I know I piled on pressure the other day. More than I should have. Thing is”—he expelled a puff of air—“thing is, being with you makes me happy. I enjoy being with you and Lilly. At the Heart’s Haven welcome party, I found myself thinking of us as a couple. When others observed the same thing, and you fought the idea, a sense of rejection hit me pretty hard. You’re not ready for more from me yet. I guess I have to give you the space you need, and I understand where your emotions come from but…but…I love you so much.” His tone had become strident. Maria’s eyes widened and her heart leapt at his use of the word love. Brody, however, plowed ahead. “Maria, do you even understand? I see everything when I look at you. When we share ourselves, when I spend time with you and Lilly, when I kiss you and hold you close, it’s like I receive the gift of seeing my life as it was meant to be…the way I’d always hoped it would be.”
She silenced him with a touch to his cheek. She could feel the love that filled her eyes and seeped through her body. Standing slowly, Maria stepped before him so they were face-to-face. She lifted his hands and placed them against her waist until she stood within the circle of his arms. “Sometimes pressure and a none-too-gentle nudging is a good thing. I’ve discovered that recently. Furthermore, let me tell you what happened while you were praying for me this morning.”
Confusion knit his brows for a moment. “When I was…?” Enlightenment lifted his features an instant later. “Oh—yeah—I know what you mean now. I prayed for you then I sent you that text.”
She kissed his cheek, lingering over the gesture, absorbing the spice of his cologne. It was her turn to be vulnerable, to be open and risk it all.
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