by Paige Toon
He shrugs. ‘The same question could be directed at you.’
‘I haven’t found anyone I’ve liked enough.’
‘Me neither.’
‘But boys don’t . . . Boys aren’t like that.’
‘Like what?’ he presses. ‘You don’t think it matters to us whether or not it’s special?’
‘I don’t know . . .’
‘Okay, maybe not to some guys, but it matters to me.’
‘Haven’t you ever got close to anyone else?’
‘There was a girl once.’
I instantly feel jealous.
‘I thought I loved her.’
‘How old were you?’
‘Fifteen. It was when we were in Devon, before we moved to Cornwall.’
‘Why did you move?’
‘We couldn’t really stay after what Ryan had done,’ he says unhappily. ‘Business went tits up. And my parents had never exactly been popular with the locals, in any case.’
‘Did you love her?’ I ask, still feeling sick.
He looks at me directly. ‘No. I love you. What I felt for her was not even on the same page.’ He smiles. ‘Not even in the same book. Not even in the same library.’
I smile back at him. ‘I’ve never been in love before, either,’ I tell him. ‘I can’t imagine ever feeling this way about anyone ever again.’
Was that too honest?
‘Me neither.’ He doesn’t take his eyes from mine and I draw him close.
‘Fuck off!’ Joe hisses after a while and I look past him to see Dyson right there, peering at us. I burst out laughing. He looks back at me. ‘God, Alice, I want you so much.’
‘I want you too.’
Lizzy . . . Pippa . . . Out, thoughts, out!
As if reading my mind, he speaks. ‘I guess I should take you home before Lizzy starts to fret.’
I nod reluctantly and he stands up, holding his hands down to pull me to my feet. ‘What are you two doing tomorrow?’
‘I was going to show her Corfe Castle,’ I reply. ‘I think she’d like that.’
‘It’s good you’re taking her mind off her mum. I’m sorry about tonight.’
‘It’s not your fault. She’ll understand.’ But in truth, I’m not sure that she will.
‘Are you alright?’ Lizzy asks me for the umpteenth time the next day.
‘I’m fine,’ I reply.
‘I’ve never seen you like this before,’ she adds and I don’t know how to respond.
It’s true. I’ve been on another planet all day. I keep staring ahead, lost in my thoughts, wondering if Joe is okay.
‘Does he have a phone?’ she asks. ‘Couldn’t you call him?’
‘No, he doesn’t. Only the pub’s public phone. I don’t know the number, and his parents would probably answer it, anyway.’
‘What time does his brother get here?’
‘I’m not sure.’ I look at her and smile. ‘Thank you. You’re being so nice. I’m sorry about all of this. I’m supposed to be the one cheering you up, not the other way around.’
‘This is taking my mind off things.’ Lizzy shrugs and pulls her cardigan across her chest.
After last night’s hazy heat, today is cool and cloudy. We’re at the Corfe Castle miniature village. It’s so sweet, but I can’t appreciate any of it.
‘Shall we get some afternoon tea?’ Lizzy suggests.
‘Yes, of course.’
We eat in the adjoining café, overlooking the gardens. It’s not so cold that we have to sit inside.
‘You really like him, don’t you?’ she says, interrupting another one of my dazed stares.
‘I love him.’ It comes out of my mouth automatically, before I’m sure if it’s a good idea or not.
‘Do you really?’ she asks with widened eyes.
I nod.
‘I can’t say I’m that amazed, actually,’ she goes on. ‘The way you were looking at him last night . . .’
‘He loves me too.’ I try not to sound defensive.
‘Has he told you that?’
‘He said it first.’
‘Oh,’ she replies. ‘Wow.’
I don’t want to let her surprise bother me, but I can’t help it.
‘Where did you go last night?’ she asks. She appeared to be asleep when I finally got to bed.
‘We went for a walk. Could you hear us?’
‘Not what you were saying.’ Aah. So she was awake, then. The walk was a good move.
I remember with a sudden shiver how heated things got last night.
‘You’ve gone red!’ she exclaims. ‘Did you . . .’
‘No!’ I respond hotly. ‘I told you, we haven’t done anything like that!’
She falls silent, and it’s not a pleasant silence. But I don’t want to talk about last night to her. It felt special. Just between Joe and me.
And Dyson. Ahem.
Feeling awkward, I slice one of my scones in half and proceed to carefully smear it with strawberry jam and clotted cream. She does the same. After that, we manage to strike up a conversation that doesn’t involve Joe.
‘So what are we going to do tonight?’ Lizzy asks in the car on the way back to the cottage. ‘Do you want to try going back to the pub?’
‘Would you do that for me?’ I ask with amazement.
‘Of course I would. You and me, we can take on that silly wench,’ she says buoyantly.
I smile. ‘There’re also his dad and his jailbird brother to consider.’
‘Easy-peasy.’
I think for a moment. ‘Maybe we could drive over there now and I’ll see if I can get Joe’s attention?’
‘That’s an idea.’
‘You can stay in the car and keep the engine running in case I have to make a mad dash for it.’
‘We’re not robbing a bank,’ she teases.
‘Unlike his brother,’ I add. I can’t actually believe I’m joking about it.
Dyson is nowhere to be seen. Heart pounding, I scan the packed beer garden for any sign of Joe, and then wait off to the side for a while in case he comes out. After ten very long minutes my pulse still hasn’t settled and I’m wondering if I dare venture inside. A middle-aged man seated at the table near me stands up and asks his wife, I presume, if she’d like another Chardonnay. I grab my chance.
‘Excuse me!’ I say urgently. He looks over at me. ‘Would you mind . . .’ This doesn’t sound very good. ‘Would you mind looking to see if a young man is behind the bar? Dark hair, eyebrow pierced . . .’
He gives his wife a knowing look and I inwardly squirm. ‘No problem, love.’
I relax slightly now that things are in hand, but I’m still unbearably tense by the time he returns.
‘There was a young man there, yes.’ My heart lifts. ‘But he had blond hair and tattoos. I didn’t see an eyebrow piercing.’
That must be Ryan. Where’s Joe?
‘Sorry,’ he says, seeing my face.
I back away, mumbling my thanks, and return to the car.
‘Was he there?’ Lizzy asks.
‘No, I don’t think so.’ I put my seatbelt on.
I’m on full alert the whole way back, peering across the field to see if I can spot him wandering.
‘You watch the road,’ Lizzy insists. ‘I’ll look.’
‘Have you seen Joe, by any chance?’ I ask my mum the moment we’re through the door.
‘No,’ she replies, frowning. ‘Isn’t he at the pub?’
My dad comes into the kitchen. ‘Hello, you two!’ he says brightly, then, when he sees our faces: ‘What’s up?’
Lizzy looks away, bound by her promise to me to not breathe a word, but here and now I’m so concerned that I don’t know how I can keep this from them.
‘Joe’s brother has come out of jail,’ I blurt out. ‘He hurt Joe really badly when he was a kid, and I’m worried he’s done something to him now.’
‘I didn’t even know he had a brother, let alone was in jail,’ Mum says, shock
ed.
‘What do you mean, he hurt Joe?’ Dad asks sharply.
‘He used to beat him up. He put him in hospital once. Joe’s terrified of him. I don’t know what to do.’
Dad thinks for a moment. ‘Perhaps we could go to the pub? Scout it out?’
Hope fills me. I don’t think Joe’s parents will link my parents to me.
I nod. ‘That could work.’ A thought occurs to me. ‘Hang on . . . I might know where he is.’
‘Where?’ they both ask at once.
‘Dancing Ledge.’
‘The cliffs?’
‘Yes.’
‘We’ll come with you,’ Dad says, reaching for his coat.
‘No, it’s okay!’ I reply swiftly. ‘I’ll go alone.’
Lizzy shifts from foot to foot. ‘With Lizzy,’ I add, looking at her. ‘If you’d like to?’
She nods.
The wind has picked up so I knot my hair into a long plait as we set off down the path, and tuck it into my coat.
‘The cliffs are beautiful,’ I say determinedly. ‘You should see them, anyway.’
I feel bad enough for ruining her weekend, let alone dragging her on a wild-goose chase.
‘Okay,’ she says.
‘I’m so sorry about this,’ I add.
‘Stop apologising,’ she says. ‘I’m glad I can be here for you.’
I wrap my arm around her and give her a quick squeeze. I owe her.
We reach the gorse walkway at last. There’s been no sign of Joe this entire time and I’m on edge as we stumble down the rocky path. In my mind, I imagine him there on the hill, waiting for me, but it suddenly occurs to me that it’s not very likely. He could be anywhere . . .
‘Wow, that’s amazing,’ Lizzy says when we emerge from the gorse. I’m not looking at the view – I’m scanning the hills.
‘I’m just going to go . . .’ My voice trails off and I carry on down the steep slope.
‘Is it dangerous?’ Lizzy calls after me, raising her voice over the sound of the wind.
‘No,’ I call back. ‘There’s a fence at the bottom.’
‘Okay.’ She follows me reluctantly.
‘You can wait here, if you like? If I find him I’ll come straight back,’ I promise. ‘I’ll only be fifteen minutes.’
‘Okay.’ She nods and sits down on the grass. I hurry down the path, the momentum of the slope pushing me forward. I’ve never run down a hill this steep before. In fact, I haven’t run down a hill since I was a child. It’s strangely liberating.
I reach the bottom, breathing heavily. I take off my coat as I’m boiling now, and pass through the gate to Dancing Ledge. A dog barks. I know instantly that it’s Dyson.
‘JOE!’ I shout. ‘JOE!’
The dog barks again, more excitedly this time.
‘JOE!’
‘ALICE?’
The relief is immense. He comes around the corner of a rock and sees me, the smile momentarily sweeping the worry from his face.
‘ALICE!’ He runs to me, and I to him, and then we’re in each other’s arms with Dyson barking and bounding about at our sides. ‘You came,’ he breathes into my hair.
‘I went to the pub,’ I try to tell him, gasping for breath.
‘You didn’t?’ he exclaims, his hands on my face, pushing loose strands of hair away from my eyes while the wind does its utmost to unwind my plait.
‘They didn’t see me.’ I explain how I enlisted a stranger’s help.
‘Yep, that was Ryan,’ Joe says, when I’ve repeated the man’s description of the tattooed blond guy behind the bar.
‘Lizzy is waiting up the hill.’
‘Cool, okay.’
We start to make our way back up there.
‘Did you tell them you’re leaving?’ I ask.
He shakes his head. ‘Not yet.’
‘How did you get away from work?’
He sighs. Lizzy appears in view and I wave up at her. She returns my wave with a smile – she’ll be pleased for me that I’ve found him.
‘I got back to the pub last night to find my parents had moved most of my stuff out of my bedroom to the one at the back.’
‘No! That’s so out of order!’
‘I wasn’t even that bothered about it. I’ll be leaving soon, anyway. But I was worried about my money.’
‘Had they found it?’
‘No, thank God.’
I breathe a sigh of relief for him. ‘Where have you hidden it now?’
‘I haven’t. It’s in my pocket.’
I glance down at the bulk there.
‘I wondered if you would look after it for me?’
‘Of course.’ I feel honoured that he trusts me, even though I know that he should.
‘Thank you.’ He reaches over and strokes my palm. I want him to take my hand, but we’ve almost reached Lizzy. She stands up as we approach, and then tries to fend off Dyson.
‘Hey,’ she says to Joe, full of concern. ‘Are you okay?’
Joe nods. ‘Come here, boy.’ He pulls Dyson away from her.
Lizzy brushes him off. ‘Did you see your brother?’
I realise that I haven’t even asked that question yet.
‘Yes,’ he replies.
‘Shall we stay here for a bit?’ I ask. We sit in a line facing the view. Dyson flops down on the grass beside me, while Joe is in the middle. I turn to face him. ‘What was he like?’
‘The same.’ Joe stares ahead at the ocean.
‘Did he hurt you?’ Lizzy asks with trepidation.
‘No.’ Pause. ‘Not yet.’
A chill goes through me. I take his hand.
‘I don’t want you to go back there.’
‘It’s okay,’ he says. ‘It’ll be okay for a bit.’
‘Did he threaten you?’ Lizzy presses.
‘No. It’s not that he said or did anything,’ Joe explains. ‘It’s just the way he looks at me. It’s . . . I don’t know how to describe it. Menacing . . . He’s such a fucking bully!’ he erupts. ‘And my parents do nothing to stop it! They never have. He’s always been a nasty bastard – evil – but they can’t see it. Or maybe they can. Maybe he appeals to them because they’re evil too.’
‘No wonder you want to get away,’ Lizzy murmurs.
‘It’s amazing you’ve lasted this long,’ I add.
‘That’s only because he’s been in jail for the last four years.’
‘That doesn’t seem like long enough for armed robbery . . .’
‘He was an accomplice to a hardened criminal. They’ve let him out early for good behaviour.’ He snorts. ‘So he’ll be well and truly ready to let off some steam.’
‘I don’t want you to go back there,’ I say again, more urgently this time.
He looks at me sadly. ‘Where else am I supposed to go?’
‘Come and stay with me,’ I say, even though I know my parents would object.
He smiles and shakes his head. ‘It won’t be for long, Alice. Just over two weeks.’
‘Why two weeks?’ Lizzy asks with a frown.
‘That’s when Alice is leaving,’ he says simply.
I squeeze his hand, hard.
Lizzy leaves on Sunday afternoon after a morning at Lulworth Cove. I think she’s secretly pleased to be going home, even though she keeps batting off my apologies with ‘this took my mind off things’ responses.
I wait on the platform and wave her off. When the train disappears around the corner I’m engulfed with sadness. That was one of the last times I’ll spend with my friend before we go off to university and I messed it up. So much for sunny days at the beach checking out boys. I remember the excitement of getting ready to go to the pub on Friday night and her squealing about how gorgeous Joe was, and I am full of regret. I so wish the weekend had continued like that. Even the weather has turned. It’s cloudy and very windy today and the air feels damp.
My parents have been wary around me all day. My dad insists on a pep-talk before he sets off
back to London.
‘Now, Alice,’ he says, and I instantly bristle at his tone as he leans over the island counter in the middle of the kitchen. ‘You’re leaving in two weeks.’
‘I know, Dad, everyone keeps reminding me.’
‘Who’s reminding you?’ Is that relevant?
‘You, Mum, Lizzy, Joe . . .’
‘Ah, Joe too.’
‘Yes, Dad, and he’s leaving too.’
‘Where’s he going?’ he asks with surprise.
‘London,’ I reply with a sigh.
‘Not Cambridge?’
Here we go again . . .
‘No, Dad.’
He breathes an actual sigh of relief. I sigh too, but it’s with unhappiness.
He senses my disheartenment. ‘You might be able to see him when you come home during the holidays.’
‘I guess so.’ That seems like an unbearably long time to be apart. ‘Anyway, don’t worry. I’ll get on with some work this week.’
‘That would be a good idea. Take your mind off things,’ he says perkily, standing up straight.
As if . . .
Mum and I come out onto the driveway to wave him off.
‘Bye, love,’ Mum says, giving him a kiss.
‘Have a good week,’ he says to her fondly. ‘You’re doing great, Marie. This collection is going to fly.’
She puts her arms around his neck and they hug. I’m seeing their relationship in a new light. What it must be like to have someone by your side, looking after you and caring for you, forever . . . Joe is always at the forefront of my mind, but now the ache for him intensifies.
‘What time is Joe coming over?’ Mum asks when my father has gone, reading my thoughts.
‘After closing time,’ I reply, ‘which is earlier on Sundays.’
‘Eleven o’clock?’
‘More likely to be eleven thirty once he’s cleaned up.’
‘Gosh, Alice, that’s late.’
She doesn’t even know that he’s been coming here after work every night. She’s always asleep by then. I wonder if I should have kept this information to myself, but I guess it’s futile.
It’s cold out on the bench that night as I wait. To my surprise, the kitchen door opens and Mum appears.
‘Alice!’ she exclaims. ‘What are you doing out here?’
‘Waiting for Joe,’ I tell her.
‘Come inside. You’ll catch your death!’ she cries. ‘I’m going up to bed, anyway,’ she adds knowingly.