And I liked Simon, more as a friend than anything else. But he was attractive and I enjoyed his company. He always made me laugh, so maybe there was potential there for something more. It would certainly be a change of pace for me, becoming friends with a man before I considered sleeping with him. Maybe it was exactly what I needed.
“You free tonight?” I asked and was rewarded with the biggest smile I had ever seen from him. He looked like a kid on Christmas morning, which I found endearing. Simon was just lovable, comfortable.
So, I let him take me to dinner, knowing that he certainly wasn’t the type to feel me up underneath the table.
What was confusing was that I sorted of wanted him to be.
##
Chapter Nine
David
“We could be there by nine,” I said into my phone as I steered my way back to the office. “Thanks, Reneé,” I added and hung up the phone.
I had just scheduled a meeting for Clay and myself with Martin Bennett, the current D.C. Mayor, for tomorrow morning and instantly felt a spike of adrenaline through my body. If we could get Bennett to endorse our campaign, it would really give us a leg up on the competition and could very well help us win the whole damn election. It was a small relief that Mayor Bennett had never liked William Callahan, Clay’s primary opponent, so I felt confident about our chances to have the Mayor’s name backing ours.
We still had four months until the actual election, but I could feel the win in our grasp. I honestly couldn’t tell you what had initially interested me in politics. Most likely, it had started as a way to get back at my father for always shoving me in the direction that he wanted me to go. But I loved it now. It made me happy. I lived for the excitement, the suspense of a good campaign. I loved that things could always change at any moment.
The thrill of the race drove me.
And Clay and I were almost at the finish line.
That’s what I had to keep focusing on because if I didn’t, my mind would zoom in on one thing and one thing only. Or rather, one person only.
Being around Claire but not actually getting to have her was sending me down a spiral. It had been two months and she hadn’t gotten worn down, at least that I could tell. She hadn’t come to me, letting me know that she was sick of this game and wanting us to drop all pretense. She hadn’t made any sort of move or provocation, indicating that she was ready to give us a try.
I had thought that was going to happen when she dragged me into my office last week. I saw in her eyes that she wanted to say more than she had. I could tell there were emotions stirring inside her that she didn’t know how to deal with. What she didn’t realize was that I was going through the same thing and that it would be so much easier if we worked through those feelings together. I had gotten my hopes up that she was finally going to give in that day, and I had to admit I was crushed when she didn’t.
I thought by now she would have realized what I had. That there was something between us that needed to be explored.
We owed it to each other to see what our future together could be like.
I was about to the point where I was going to say something to her, regardless of her aloof demeanor to all things David and Claire. I just couldn’t stand by anymore.
I walked through the doors of the campaign office as I pondered over what exactly I would say to her, how I would bring it up. It was almost five and the majority of people in the office were starting to pack up their things to go home. I usually didn’t leave before eight these days, sometimes even staying much later if I got caught up in what I was doing, which had been happening more and more lately.
It wasn’t like I had anyone to go home to.
I was about to pass the door of the break room when I heard female laughter from inside and immediately recognized one of those laughs as Claire’s.
I had really missed hearing that.
The fact that I never made her laugh bothered me much more than I thought it would.
I wasn’t sure what possessed me to do it, but I stopped just outside the door to listen to their conversation, briefly checking the main floor to make sure no one spotted me eavesdropping on my employees. I’m sure I looked like a huge creeper, hovering around doorways like that.
“So, where did Simon take you on your date the other night?” a voice that I recognized as Jackie’s asked.
The question made my blood run cold.
What?
Was there someone else in the room with the two of them?
“To a nice Italian restaurant on the river,” Claire answered. “Then to the carnival over by the marina.”
What the hell?
Claire went on a date with Simon? She was dating other guys?
Shit.
Had they slept together?
Nope, I couldn’t even go there. The thought alone was going to make my head explode. This was not how things were supposed to go. She was supposed to realize that this pretend hating each other was ridiculous and come admit her feelings to me.
She was not supposed to start dating other people.
“Do you think you’ll see him again?” Jackie asked.
I held my breath, not sure if I actually wanted to hear the answer. My heart was pounding and my head was throbbing. This couldn’t be happening.
I could hear Claire sigh and my breath hitched at the sound. “Probably. He’s a really sweet guy,” was all she said but it was enough for me. I practically sprinted to my office, unable to listen to any more.
She hadn’t sounded excited to see Simon again but I wasn’t an idiot. The mere fact that she was giving some other guy a chance and not me wasn’t a good sign. Just because she wasn’t ready to settle down with him now didn’t mean that it couldn’t happen, given enough time.
How had it come to this?
How had I let this whole thing between us get so out of control?
I needed to let her know how I felt. It was my fault that she was going on dates with guys like Simon. I had waited too long and given her too much leeway. She had no clue of my feelings because I had never told her.
I spent the next hour in my office berating myself for how much I had screwed this up.
I knew that Claire would be the last person to leave the office other than me, so I waited until the murmurs I could hear through my walls died down. When I finally calmed down enough to once again organize my thoughts, I walked out of my office in search of the only woman in the world who could effectively drive me out of my mind.
I found her in the break room, setting the timer on the coffee pot for the next morning. She looked surprised to see me, and maybe a little unnerved, when her head whipped around in my direction. She didn’t say anything, though, and went back to her task. I peeked out into the hallway to make sure that we were alone and then closed the door. As far as I was concerned, nobody else existed outside of that room for the next however long this was going to take.
“We need to talk, Claire,” I said in a sober voice, letting her know how serious I was.
“If this is about those spreadsheets you wanted—”
“I don’t care about the damn spreadsheets.” That made her stop what she was doing and face me. “We need to talk about what’s going on between us.”
Her face remained impassive. “What do you mean?”
I snorted, knowing exactly what she was doing. I recognized the placid exterior but knew her mind had to be going haywire, just as mine was. “Don’t be obtuse. It doesn’t suit you.”
Her jaw clenched but she wasn’t heading for the door so I thought I had a chance. “Fine. What do you want to talk about?”
I couldn’t explain the feeling of insecurity that swept over me as I considered my next question. I wasn’t used to doubting myself. Wasn’t familiar with competing for a woman’s attentions or affections either, but that’s precisely what I felt like I was doing.
I also wasn’t used to feeling jealous.
And I was being swarmed with it. I
could feel it radiating off me, and I wouldn’t be surprised if steam was coming out of my ears.
“Did you go on a date with Simon?” I watched her very carefully for her reaction.
Her eyes widened in shock and she swallowed a few times before responding. “How did you hear about that?”
She folded her arms across her chest. I figured it was probably to hide the tremble in her hands but I still saw it.
“Just answer the question, Claire.”
There was a brief pause and then, “Yes.”
There went that stabbing pain in my chest again. “Are you going to go out with him again?”
Please say no.
She shrugged. “I don’t know.”
I needed more than that. “Do you like him?”
I was starting to think that maybe I was a masochist.
This time she didn’t hesitate. “I don’t know that either.”
I stewed on that a bit, incredibly relieved that it hadn’t been a resounding “yes.” Then, I just decided the hell with it. If we were doing this, I might as well put it all out there. We had danced around the issue for far too long.
“Did that night mean anything to you?” I asked quietly, the air around us suddenly thickening.
I had been too scared to ask the question last week in my office. But now I needed to know. I could hear her breathing but I kept my eyes focused on the floor. I didn’t know if I could handle looking into her eyes, afraid I might see an emotion there I didn’t want to see.
Or an emotion I did.
“How can you ask me that?” Her voice was whisper soft and I could no longer not look at her after hearing that.
Her brow was creased in confusion and what looked to be pain. I didn’t know yet what it meant, didn’t know how to take it. I wanted to wipe it off and just make her smile. She hadn’t looked truly happy in a while and I wanted to fix it. I needed her to give me a chance to do that.
“Because I need to know,” I replied. “I know you felt something that night. You can’t lie about it. So, why do you keep denying it?”
“I’m not denying it,” she said, her voice more firm, more heated than a second ago. “We both agreed to one night and then we would move on. Right?”
I was really putting myself out there by admitting to this next part. “I didn’t want just the one night. I wanted more. I only agreed to that because I thought I’d be able to convince you to give us a chance after a little time.”
She didn’t move a muscle and I was concerned that she may not have even been breathing. She looked completely aghast standing there, looking at me as if I had grown two heads.
“What?” she whispered.
“I want more with you.”
I could actually feel fear curling around my spine and uncertainty starting to choke me. Fear of her rejecting me and uncertainty of whether or not she even shared my feelings. Even my legs were starting to shake a little.
She started vigorously shaking her head back and forth, her eyes squeezed shut as if she were trying to shut the whole world out, including me. “You don’t mean that,” she said.
“Yes, I do—”
“No!” she shrieked, her voice a panicked shrill. “This isn’t how things were supposed to go. It was just supposed to be one night. No complications. No feelings. No weirdness at work. None of this,” she emphasized, waving her hand between us. “I don’t even know why you’re bringing this up right now. I don’t want to talk about it!”
I let out an exasperated sigh, trying to keep my own temper from rising. She was still being stubborn. “Well, we’re going to talk about it because I’m sick of you pretending that it didn’t happen. You act like I don’t even exist half the time and it’s getting old, Claire.”
“No, I’m just not willing to talk about anything that’s not related to work. Besides, you’re the one who’s a dick to me most of the time.” She was sounding increasingly agitated. “Bottom line? We work together, so the only relationship we will be having is a professional one. That’s it.”
Those words were like a sucker punch to the gut. I had never expected them to hurt so much.
“That’s it?” I asked, hopelessness lacing my voice. I was beyond disappointed that this hadn’t gone the way I wanted but also bewildered that she was still adamantly denying what was so obvious and right in front of her. “Just like that. You’re going to completely ignore whatever this is between us?”
I was pissed now, which was clear in my tone, but I was hoping she couldn’t tell how much she had actually hurt me.
“What us? We both know what that night was, so don’t get it confused with something else. I mean, come on, David. We drive each other crazy. We never get along!”
She just kept twisting that knife and I couldn’t stand there one more second, subjecting myself to the pain of the realization that I had lost my chance with her. I needed distance from her.
I mumbled “forget it” under my breath and walked out the door, flinging it open and hearing the loud thwack as it hit the break room wall hard. I heard Claire call my name but I didn’t stop. I just wanted to get the hell out of there and forget that conversation ever happened. I was marching toward the back door where my car was parked and passed Clay, who was coming out of his office.
I hadn’t even realized he was still there. My first thought was of whether or not he just heard everything between Claire and I. We had kept our activities outside the office pretty quiet, and nobody seemed to know that we’d ever had anything more than a platonic relationship.
I guess, according to Claire, we never did.
And suddenly I didn’t care if Clay heard all of that or not. I didn’t care what anyone thought. I just needed to be alone.
But when Clay asked me if I wanted to go get a few drinks with him, I decided that drowning myself at the bottom of a glass didn’t sound half bad either.
##
Chapter Ten
Claire
I’m an idiot.
I knew it.
David had said everything that I had secretly been wanting to hear from him for months. His words were perfect and they mirrored everything that I, myself, had been mulling over ever since our night together back in April.
But when I was actually in that moment with him, when I was faced with the reality of our situation and my feelings for him—feelings that were even stronger than I had first realized—I panicked.
I was afraid of what “wanting more” meant. I had never had more with anyone before and I was terrified that the more I had, the more I would have to lose. I was too much of a coward to risk losing something so good. And I knew it would be good with David.
But like I said, we women can confuse ourselves a lot.
So, my instinctual reaction was to save myself the inevitable heartbreak and push David away altogether. I say inevitable heartbreak because there was no doubt that I would eventually lose him. My mom had lost my dad and I didn’t want to end up depressed and alone like her.
David may have said that he wanted more but it wasn’t as if he had said he wanted forever. I couldn’t be the person that he wanted eternity with.
He didn’t want that with me.
Did he?
And even though seeing the look on his face as I rejected him brought tears to my own eyes, I still thought that I had made the right decision. Even as he walked out the door, taking what sounded like a broken heart with him, I was sure that it was all for the best. Life was full of tough choices like this.
But I was wrong.
Everything my mind had convinced me of was complete bullshit.
Because if I had done the right thing, then why did I feel like my heart had been ripped out and trampled on? Why had I not been able to catch my breath since David walked away from me? And why did I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that no amount of antacids had been able to get rid of?
Because I wanted more with him, too.
That’s why.
&nbs
p; I had never felt this way about anyone before and I knew now that it could lead to something great if we just gave it a chance. I knew that I would hate myself forever if I let David go without ever finding out what we could be like when we didn’t fight every time we saw each other. I had gotten a glimpse of it that night in April, and I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it all summer.
It had taken me a week since the incident in the break room to figure all of this out.
And a call to my mom had been the final weight in making my decision.
It was four o’clock in the afternoon and I knew I would be catching my mom right before she left for the evening shift at the restaurant she waitressed at. Staci had been over at Kevin’s place more and more lately and I needed someone to talk to. Normally, I would go running to my best friend with problems like this, but sometimes a girl just needed her mom.
I sat on my bed, listening to the dial tone and she finally picked up on the fourth ring.
“Hi, Claire Bear,” she said in a cheery voice. The woman worked her butt off but she was hardly ever in a bad mood, at least when she was around me.
I smiled at the nickname she had given to me when I was a little girl. Suffice it to say that the Care Bears were a huge part of my childhood.
“Hey, Mom. Getting ready to head in to work?”
“Yeah, here in a little while. I was just taking some soup over to Mrs. Iverson. The poor thing has pneumonia,” she said on a sigh, referring to her seventy-three-year-old widowed neighbor who had three too many cats in her apartment.
My mother, the most generous, unselfish person I knew. “Tell her I’ll make her some of my chocolate peanut clusters and bring them over for Sunday lunch.”
Stubborn Hearts (Timid Souls #1) Page 9