He waited a while longer, drawing the seconds into minutes and eventually the minutes turned to another hour gone by. When the blue sky began to fade to dimmer shades of gray, he knew dusk was approaching. Hesitantly he touched her cheek. “Larissa, darling, you must wake.”
Her lashes fluttered and he prepared for the same jolting rising she had earlier. Rather, she simply opened her eyes and stared at him. They remained still for some time, her simply watching him as her memories fell into order. When her gaze broke contact with his, he was relieved that she still did not pull away from him. Although her hand only grazed his hip through the many blankets that covered her, it was still a closeness she would not have permitted only hours ago.
“Is there anything I can get you?” he asked, tentatively tucking a strand of hair behind her petite ear. She shook her head in the negative, but still did not speak. “Larissa, I would like to speak to you about earlier.”
“I saw you.”
He had to strain in order to hear the words she whispered. “Pardon?”
“I saw you. In my sleep.”
The thrill that ran through his veins was unmatched. It was as if his body suffered an emotional climax at that very moment simply from her words. She had dreamed of him. “You dreamt.”
“I suppose that is what it was. I have never experienced anything like that before.”
“And that is as it should be as I am the only mate you will ever share that gift with.” She fell quiet again. “Larissa, there is no shame to be felt in your reaction to me. God has given us to one another with his blessing.”
“I fear you will be disappointed in his choice.”
He shifted and tried to see her face better from where she kept it tucked close to the blankets by his hip. “Why do you assume that?”
“I am not like other females.”
“I am aware.”
“You don’t understand. I’m…broken.”
He frowned. “You are not broken. I have known you all of your life. You have never been anything other than a good girl with a good heart. You are smart and capable and kind.”
“Not anymore.”
His chest constricted at the desolate tone she disagreed in. “Larissa, please sit up and look at me.”
“No.” He watched as a tear slid from her eye. She shed the drop as if its presence had no effect on her, as if she simply was resigned to be sad in this life.
“I wish you would not be so hard on yourself. I do not understand this sadness you seem to be drowning in. I do not understand why you would think you are broken. I am pleased with the choice God has made. I feel blessed for this gift he has bestowed upon me, blessed that he has chosen you and not some other female. You are a female of worth, Larissa.”
“You’re wrong. You will see.”
He was done with these walls between them. He reached down and scooped her into his arms. She struggled, but then resigned herself to his will. When he adjusted her position so that he could better see her face, he said, “I am not wrong, Larissa. You have a bruised perception of yourself and I will make it my life’s mission to remedy that. I will not allow you to degrade yourself in my presence nor will I tolerate any other being doing so. I suggest you accept that now.”
She continued to cry silently as if she did not even feel entitled to a whimper. He kissed her temple and whispered into her hair. “Please talk to me, Larissa. I want to understand, but without your words or your permission to enter your mind, I am left useless.”
“I cannot be a mate.”
“It is not a matter of can or cannot, my dear. It is a matter of simply being. You are my mate.”
“You will not want me once you realize the ways God has swindled you.”
“God has not swindled me. Why would you think that?”
“Because I am broken.”
He sighed. They were going in circles. “How, Larissa? How are you broken?”
“He broke me.”
“Who?”
“Silus.”
Eleazar felt a cold stone settle in the pit of his stomach. He had tolerated the other man while he had not realized Larissa was his mate. Even after the realization, he had abided the other man’s mention, but now he was growing weary of hearing of Silus Hostetler. Eleazar was not familiar with exactly what Larissa’s marriage had been like. He only knew that she viewed it unfavorably and believed her husband had never loved her. Her reference to the other male breaking her did not sit well with Eleazar, however.
He stifled a growl and quietly asked, “How did he break you?” When she did not answer, he asked, “Did he hurt you, Larissa?”
“Family law—”
“Do not speak to me of family law. The moment you became another male’s mate, Silus Hostetler lost all rights to privacy where you are concerned.”
“But…I am his wife.”
“Not for long.”
He actually saw a glimmer of hope take shape in her eyes at his words. She looked at him as if testing the truth of his words. “You will annul my marriage?”
“Yes. But do not get too comfortable with the idea of being untethered, Larissa. You will be married to me the same day you are divorced from that man.”
She settled back into his hold, but did not dispute his promise. He found it difficult to predict when she would be the obedient girl he had watched growing up and when she would be the stubborn pistol he had battled with earlier. “I want to know about your marriage, Larissa. Will you tell me?”
He assumed she would not divulge any details when she pulled away from him and settled across from him on the bed, but was surprised when she said, “My marriage was nothing more than a contract in word and obligatory deed.” She would not look at him, but he did not complain. He wanted to understand her and if she needed this distance to make her confession, then so be it.
“When my father told me that Silus wanted me for his frau, I was surprised. I had never met the man or even noticed him at service. That he would notice me seemed strange. Eventually we were introduced and he was kind enough. Silus is quiet, more quiet than most.
“We went for a picnic by the pond and I found myself struggling to hold up the conversation. He didn’t say much. He just seemed to watch me. I had never been courted before so I wasn’t sure what to expect. My mother had explained to me about Amish customs. She told me that when my father had courted her, it was done in the traditional manner where the male waits until nightfall to visit the female, once her parents are abed. I had never known such customs existed. I was quite innocent for being forty-eight years.”
Eleazar was quite familiar with the customs of courtship. It was a practice followed in many sects. When a male was given permission by the elders and the family to court a female, he was allowed certain privileges. Although he could not take the female to service in his buggy, he could take her home at nightfall. If the courtship progressed and the female was over twenty-one years, the male was permitted to court her in the fashion referred to as “bundling” where the male would wait until the female’s house was silent and slip into her bed under the veil of darkness. He would remain clothed, but slip under the covers where the female rested in only her undergarments. The male was permitted to explore the female’s body within reason, but not look at her nor penetrate her.
The idea of Silus climbing under the covers with a young and innocent Larissa did not sit well with Eleazar. It pained him to ask, but he needed to know. “Did a bundling take place?”
She looked down at her hands and fidgeted. A soft blush touched her cheeks as she nodded. “It was dark. I didn’t know it would happen that evening. I had heard my parents retire and was half-asleep when my door creaked open. I could see that it was a male and that it was not my father or brothers. I stayed very still and watched as he approached the bed and placed his hat on my nightstand. The sound of his boots dropping to the floor was the only noise he made.
“He did not say a word. He simply climbed under my quilt and lay
next to me. My body slowly relaxed the longer he remained silently by my side. I thought, perhaps this is it. Perhaps he would just lay there beside me for a few more moments and then leave. I remember feeling relieved and slightly disappointed at the same time.”
He watched as she began to pluck at the thread sewn into the hem of her sheet. He knew she was remembering that night and debating how much to tell him. “You can tell me anything, Larissa. I will not judge you.”
“Eventually he turned to face me. My heart was beating so fast. I felt his palm touch me.” She frowned as if considering how to describe the moment. “Here,” she said, placing her hand over her breast, but still not looking at him. “I tolerated the contact. It was unceremonious, yet my body reacted. He seemed to be taking my measures as one does a horse or sow.
“I began to find it difficult to breathe when his hands moved down to my underclothes and began untying the strings there. I wanted to say something, but was too frightened to talk. My mother had told me they were allowed to touch, but not…she told me the difference between the bundling bed and the marriage bed.
“I felt his fingers feather through my…hair…there. I had never been touched in such an intimate place. He pulled my body closer to his and I felt his warm breath touching my skin. He whispered words about the softness of my skin and told me to yield when my legs reflexively drew together.”
Eleazar did not know how much more he would be able to hear. His jaw was clenched to the point of breaking and he was swallowing repetitively so that the growl building in his throat would not slip out. “Did he go beyond what your mother had explained was acceptable, Larissa?”
She shook her head. “No. He simply petted me for a while. I had never realized that that area could be so sensitive. I was at first embarrassed by the way my body reacted to being touched there, but he told me that was right. As he explored my body I felt his maleness pressing into my hip and his breathing became more labored. I felt as though my body was being tied in knots. I wanted them to pull tighter yet unravel at the same time. I had never felt that way before.
“Eventually he left. He stood and turned, presenting me with his back. I watched as he silently put his boots on and replaced his hat. He left without uttering a word. A few weeks later we were married.”
Eleazar had never considered what a female would feel in those moments. He knew bundling was an old custom, but now he was strongly considering having it expelled from their practices. He tried to remain as diplomatic as possible.
“Larissa, it is natural for our bodies to react when touched intimately by another warm body.”
“I know.”
He frowned. “Why then would you assume you are broken if you are doing exactly what your body is made to do?”
“Because that was the last time I reacted that way.” Eleazar knew that was not true. He had felt her reaction to him only hours ago. Before he could argue her statement, she said, “Silus tells me I am cold.”
Eleazar could not stifle the disbelieving sound that passed his lips. “Larissa, you are not cold.”
She looked at him so frigidly in that moment he actually had to fight the instinct to retreat from her stare. “Unless you have visited my marriage bed, Bishop, you are not entitled to speak on such matters.”
He was about to argue with her, but rather shook his head and asked, “Will you tell me?”
She dropped her gaze to her lap again. “It has always been so, since our first night together. After the ceremony Silus was quiet. He was always quiet so I assumed nothing was wrong. Family feasted and celebrations carried on into the night. I had been laughing with Gracie when Silus approached. I smiled at him and began to explain what was so funny. He did not find our story amusing. I excused myself from my sister and turned to him to ask if something was wrong, but before I got a word out, he took me firmly by the upper arm and informed me it was time to retire.
“I wanted to protest that it was still too early, but remembered that I was now his wife and I had vowed to honor and obey this man. I truly did want to please him,” she said, as if forgetting he was there and simply convincing herself. “I did not even have a chance to thank my parents for hosting such a lovely party.
“Silus led me up the steps of our new home and escorted me into what was now our bedroom. I wanted to admire the craftsmanship of the room, but he had begun undressing me before I even had a chance to look around. Everything felt so rushed. I did not even have a chance to unbraid the pins from my hair.”
She grew quiet and Eleazar waited. Perhaps they each needed a moment to gather their bearings. She tilted her head up, facing him, but her eyes remained firmly closed. “He had me on my back in a matter of minutes. There was none of the petting or caressing I had been told about.” A tear slipped from her closed eyes. “There was pain. I expected that, but not to the degree I had felt it.
“His body abraded mine, intruded where I was not prepared for him. But what hurt more was his disregard for my feelings. I was given no time to accommodate him. He simply took what was his due. He took everything from me that night. My body, my blood, my innocence and then he left. He simply left and I lay alone, crying, wondering what I had agreed to.
“That is the way it has always been, Bishop, every night of my marriage, one uncomfortable obligation followed by another.” Her eyes were now opened, looking right into his, but it was his turn to look away. “I have never been a warm body which my husband could take solace in. He is right. I am cold and broken in all matters of intimacy.”
Eleazar could take no more. Through gritted teeth he said, “It is not you who is broken, it is the barbarian you were married to.”
It seemed, while his control was trembling from a fraying thread, a serene calm had washed over her, an acceptance for what was the reality of her life. She shook her head. “What is done is done, Bishop. Do you not understand? I want no man in my bed, not Silus Hostetler and not you. It does not matter that you are my mate. My days of submission have passed.”
“I would never take from you the way he did.”
“Every man takes. It is the nature of the beast.”
He wanted to prove her wrong, needed to, but now found himself in a very difficult situation. Any pressure on his part would be seen by her as a similarity to her bastard husband. Yet, if he waited for her, they would never complete the bond. He needed to convince her that things would be different between them.
“Larissa, it would not be so between us. We are mates. Our bodies were designed for one another. There is a chemistry there so intricately designed, we cannot fathom how deeply it connects us. You cannot deny the connection we already share.”
“We share dreams, Bishop. There are almost five hundred years separating us. You are our leader and I am another man’s wife. Do you not see how many odds are against us already?”
He slowly leaned into her space and growled. “Let us get a few details straight from this moment on so that there is no more confusion. First, my name is Eleazar. You will use it. I do not want my mate addressing me by my title. Second, your marriage to Silus is null and void. I do not want to hear you using it as a crutch any more. Third, while I may be your elder, I expect you to be my equal. I know you are strong and intelligent. While I would enjoy an obedient wife, I want no puppet for my mate. I suggest you come to terms with the fact that you are not some pawn here, but a major player in this partnership. Have the integrity to take what you deserve, Larissa. If you cannot do that, then in the end, your disappointment will be no one’s fault but your own.”
She glared at him. “You think you are so wise. You are a pompous ass! Do not sit here and lecture me about integrity when yours has been handed to you on a silver spoon.”
He laughed. “Is that what you think? Let me clear some things up for you then, little girl. I worked damn hard to get here. I have seen wars that I pray you never have to see the likes of. I have survived plagues and famine and more loss than any man should ever have to suff
er. That life you take for granted, the one you are so quick to abandon, was given to you to protect you from a world that will never accept us. The freedom you have to be yourself on the farm and not lurk in the shadows, living in secret, that existence was a gift from your elders, founded by your pompous bishop. Before you were even a glimmer in your grandfather’s eye, I was leading your ancestors on a voyage to salvation.
“I promised those that followed me a better life. And if you think that there are not days I wish my responsibilities belonged to someone else, you are mistaken. It is not easy having my job. Everyone, every single member, wants something from me, but you ask them all, how many consider me a friend. It is a thankless and demanding job, but I have never shrugged off my responsibilities to The Order. If I seem a bit pompous at times, it is because I should be. Every single one of you expects me to live according to some unreachable standard. I have never, since the day I spoke of finding a better life for our kind, been able to simply exist as a man. I have always been their bishop first, but at least I have the integrity to claim what is rightfully mine. The good and the bad I hold only myself accountable for in this life.”
“Is that what you think integrity is?” she shouted at him. “Integrity is not simply being reliable, it is honor. How could you say I do not live my life by a code of honor? Honor is all I have at the end of the day!”
He shouted right back at her, leaning far into her personal space. She did not back down. “How is it noble to honor a life you have lost all faith in?”
“I was doing what was expected of me! How dare you belittle my efforts because you suddenly are aware of what kind of man I was married to? If you want someone to blame, Bishop, blame yourself! You gave me to him!”
He could take no more! He sprung from his place and toppled her back onto the bedding. She yipped and grabbed hold of his shoulders as his mouth slanted over hers. He would shut her up if it was the last thing he did. Forcing his tongue between her lips, he was suddenly tempered when he felt her own tongue press into his mouth. No longer shy or tentative, she seemed to want to punish him for his words as much as he wanted to punish her.
Calling for a Miracle [The Order of Vampyres 2] (Siren Publishing Classic) Page 16