On our last evening at the cabin Jay came to say goodbye. He and I stood together out on the kitchen porch looking over the lake. I was teary about leaving the cabin, leaving the woods, and leaving him. I was saying how Chicago was so different and how I couldn’t just go out in the woods or get in a canoe and be free there.
My mom came out onto the porch. “Jay, have you ever been to Chicago?”
“No, I haven’t. I’ve been down to The Cities a few times though.”
“Oh well ‘The Cities’ of Minneapolis and St. Paul are nothing compared to Chicago. Chicago is truly world-class. These Minnesota cities are like farming communities. They have so little to offer.
“You know, I was thinking maybe you could ride down with us and spend a few days with us in Chicago. Preston will be dropped off after the first part of the drive and then it’ll just be Sidney and Brandy in back so we’d have room. You could stay in Preston’s room for the weekend and we can buy you a Greyhound bus ticket to come back up the following Monday. What do you think?”
I was astonished. I couldn’t even imagine how she had come up with this. I wasn’t even sure it made any sense or was a good idea at all. Take the wood nymph out of the woods? What would Jay look like next to the city kids back home? What would his T-shirts and his home-cut curls hanging over his eyes look like in the Chicago suburbs? I didn’t know if I wanted to find out. How would his self-assured ways, his loon calls, his knowledge of trees and changes in the weather be altered by putting him in such a different environment? What would it be like to expose him further to the ugly inner workings of my parents’ home life and their treatment of me? What would happen if they really got mad and he saw how they act then? I wasn’t sure he should be exposed to any of this. On the other hand, maybe it would be great for me. I could take him around and show my city friends what a real boy from the woods looked and acted like. They would see his noble integrity and his non-materialistic ways. They would understand why I loved my summers so much. They would be impressed and finally understand. Best of all, he’d be with me and we could have a few more days of fun.
“Will you?” I asked him.
“Do you want me to?”
“I would love it. It would be really cool. We could go down to the Art Institute and you could see the John Hancock Building too. It would be really great.”
“I can ask my parents. If they say yes, I’ll do it.”
Then to my mom Jay said, “Ingrid, what does Mr. Duncan think of this? Is he all right with this idea of me coming?”
“Oh, don’t worry about him, I’ll talk to him.”
Jay left quickly and was back within an hour saying, “My parents say it’s a good opportunity and I can do it. They are giving me some cash to have in my pocket so I don’t go empty handed. My mother says she will help me pack a bag for tomorrow morning.”
My mom was thrilled. “Oh, this is so great! All right, well, we’ll pick you up early then. Is eight tomorrow morning too early for you? You’ll see our car. We’ll just pull into your driveway so we don’t disturb your family.”
Jay smiled at me. “Okay, see you in the morning,” he said, and mussed up my hair with his big hand. I hugged him quickly and smelled his sweet woodsy scent in his soft hair.
After he left I went to bed with a strange feeling I couldn’t pinpoint and couldn’t shake.
In the middle of the night there was a commotion and suddenly my parents’ bedroom door slammed open. My dad burst out into the living room in just a T-shirt, shouting my name, “Sidney? Sidney, wake up! What is this? Who’s this fucking hick with the little prick worming his way into my family? You want this kid in your pants; is that what this is all about? You think he cares about you? You want him to come home with you, bring him home to your bed like a stuffed animal with a little penis to play with? Do you think he cares about you? You think he’s attracted to you?”
My mom came padding barefoot out from the bedroom. She stopped in my bedroom doorway holding him back with her hands in from of her at his chest, “Don, stop this. Please Don!”
He grabbed her thin upper arm with one hand, “You think he’s after you when he’s got this in front of him? Look at this woman. You think he’s going to be after you when he’s got a beautiful woman like your mother throwing herself at him? You’re a fool, Sidney. You’re the smokescreen. He’s fucking her! They’re fucking!”
“Don, for God’s sake! Stop talking like that. You’ve made this all up. Stop it. Go back to bed.”
I had no idea what to think. I went to the bathroom and shivered, peeing into the cold toilet. My mind and my heart thought something was wrong about bringing Jay home with us, but I wanted him to come. My parents went back to bed. Preston must have slept through the whole thing. I went out to the living room and kissed Brandy on his nose and wrapped an old crocheted afghan around him.
I got up early the next morning because I wanted to help things go smoothly. Our parents were always in bad moods when we closed up the cabin for the winter but this morning was a new level of torture. The shocking words from the night hung over me, as I assumed they did over us all. Maybe my father had been drunk and didn’t remember what he had said. I had no idea what my mother was thinking.
Dad did not like to crawl under the cabin on the bare ground and lie on his back doing whatever you had to do to shut down the little handmade water pump that Grandpa made thirty years before. Dad was not that kind of guy. His parents were merchants from Italy, they were interested in business, in fine things. They were not purposefully heading to the northernmost regions of wilderness for their vacations. He was never at home at the cabin and he didn’t like the responsibilities my mom placed on him. When he came to the cabin it was always for just a few days, at most a week. He sought out social opportunities with the local people—taking his Jaguar in to the town garage and standing around with the mechanics while they all “cracked a beer and looked over the engine … so clean you could eat off it … ” He bought a boat and became friends with the marina owner so he could store the boat during the winter months. He bought fishing equipment all the time and made friends with all the canoe outfitters in the nearby town of Ely. Usually there was a beer or a shot of whiskey employed in good fellowship wherever he went. He liked to buy the guys he knew a “nice bottle of Jack Daniel’s” and stop in for a visit. He may have had friends up there, but a woodsman and a handyman he was not.
Dad was under the house and Preston and Mom were packing, so I was standing down by the crawlspace door peering into the semidarkness watching my dad on his back lying on a plastic garbage bag, tinkering with the pump and cursing my dead Swedish grandpa.
“Sidney, look at this piece of shit! It’s literally made out of a fucking tin can. Do you see this?” In fact the main body of the thing appeared to be housed in a red-and-black old-style metal Folger’s coffee can. “Goddamn cheap Swede. Why would anybody come up here to no man’s land and build a shack like this. And your mother thinks it’s fucking paradise. Leaves me alone to work all summer, drags you kids up here … ”
I was wondering if we were still bringing Jay. I was too afraid to say anything so I just did whatever anyone asked me to do. I got Brandy ready and carried his blanket and his bag of food to the car. We had a really small car for times like this. I was going to be sitting with a bag of dog food and my little duffle bag under my feet with Brandy on my lap, especially if we were really going to squeeze Jay in. I wondered if Preston knew Jay was coming. I just went in my room and packed my few things and locked the wooden window latches and made sure everything looked the way my mom liked it.
We finally all piled into Dad’s car. The newspapers were taped to the windows and the cabin looked ready for the winter. Preston was silent next to me with a book on his lap. I put my arms around Brandy’s neck. “It’s gonna be you and me this winter buddy … ” I whispered in his ear. He licked my face and I was so glad he was part of the family.
We only had a half-mile driv
e before we’d be at Jay’s cabin. Had my mom said anything? Nobody was talking.
Suddenly, my mom said, “Don, don’t forget we’re picking up Jay.”
My dad was silent.
Preston blurted, “What?!”
Preston glowered at me as Dad pulled into Jay’s driveway. I had never been to the cabin. I had only met his mother once for a second on the road. She was a very nice woman, much older than my mom, much heavier-looking, more like a grandmother, but she was very kind and patient and I knew she was wonderful just by that one meeting and by everything her son would say about her and his father. Still, I didn’t want to have to go up to the door. The whole situation seemed so awkward. I didn’t feel like I was the one inviting him.
Mom said, “Sidney, go get him. Yes Preston, what does it matter to you? Sidney has invited him to visit with us for the Labor Day weekend and we can’t go back on that.”
Dad was totally silent and Preston looked concerned as I scrambled out of the back seat. I walked down to knock on the door of the cabin, which was not a cabin at all, much more of a ramshackle but solid year-round home. I stepped onto the porch and peered in through what I noticed was the kitchen door. Inside I could see a big wood stove and lots of wood stacked. There was insulation showing in some places and plywood showing on part of the floor. I remembered Jay saying that his mother would sometimes say that the house of a carpenter is always the last one to get finished. But finished or not, their house looked like a serious fortress made to withstand the northern winters. It made our little cabin look like a silly little playhouse. I had not realized how heavy-duty places up here were for those who stayed all winter.
Jay opened the door with his usual impish grin multiplied because of the upcoming adventure. I tried my best to mirror his enthusiasm. He introduced me in his most formal tone, “Sidney I would like you to meet my father. Come in for a minute.”
I followed Jay into the main room. Sitting in a big old recliner chair with stuffing spilling out, was a grey-haired man in work pants and a work shirt, big lace up boots on his propped up feet. A television in the corner was blaring the local news.
The man smiled when he looked at me and said, “Oh she’s a looker isn’t she? No wonder you’re gonna follow this one to the ends of the earth.”
I said, “Hello Mr. Mayer, it’s nice to meet you.”
“Oh no it isn’t and you know it. Now you kids have a good time and send him home when you’re good and sick of him.”
I laughed and Jay laughed.
Jay gave his dad a big hug, “Don’t get up Dad. We’ll just say bye to Mom and be on our way.”
Jay beckoned for me to follow him into the back kitchen, on the lake side of the house. His mother was wearing an old-style apron with flour smeared across the blue in a cloud of white. A wooden spoon jutted from a pocket. Her hair was set in pin curls in the way women used to in the ‘50s. She was cooking something sweet and greasy on the stove and the strong smoky smell of bacon filled the room.
“Oh now Jay, I have freshly made doughnuts for you all for the road. Hello there Sidney! Nice to see you again. I’m going to give you a paper bag full of my cinnamon sugar doughnuts for your trip. Just a second more here. I’ve got them ready.”
She was fussing with layers of paper towels and there were all these beautiful fresh doughnuts rolled in cinnamon and sugar on cookie sheets on the wooden table in the middle of the room.
She finished assembling the bag of maybe a dozen doughnuts and handed it to me. “Okay now, this is for your family. You take good care of my Blue Jay here. He’s gonna need some looking after in the big city of Chicago.”
“I will. He’ll be great Mrs. Mayer. Don’t worry. Thank you for the doughnuts, they look wonderful.”
“Well, you can’t taste ‘em with your eyes sweetie. Here’s an extra one for you so you don’t have to wait.”
She handed me a hot fresh doughnut from the sugar rolling plate and gave me a paper towel. I stood eating it and licking my fingers thinking that my family was going to hate this smelly greasy bag stinking up the car and they’d be mad because we took way too long.
But the doughnut was really delicious.
We said a last goodbye and left the house walking together to the car. I didn’t like being seen by my family walking side by side with Jay because it looked like I brought this on everybody. But I knew it wasn’t my idea. We had the door open and were getting in the back, when Jay was already offering everyone a doughnut. The sweet smell permeating the car would normally be heavenly but under the circumstances, made me want to gag.
I heard myself saying, “It’s gonna be pretty tight ‘til we get to Preston’s school I guess.”
Jay asked, “What’s that, like a bit south of The Cities, eh?”
Preston was nice enough to answer, “Yeah, it’s like five hours. Maybe six. Let’s hope Sid doesn’t get car sick. Jay, did she tell you she pukes when she rides in cars?”
“Shut up, Preston.”
Mom jumped right in with, “Sidney, don’t say those words. Don’t start in like that. Please. We want this to be a nice trip. Jay, how are you this morning? Are you excited?”
“Well, yes I am. And how are you Mr. Duncan? Did that tin can water pump give you any trouble?”
No answer. Silence all around.
“Don, please, Jay is asking you something.”
Silence. We were leaving the peninsula and turning on to the main road.
Dad decided to say, “Jay, I understand you’re in for the long haul with us today.”
“Yes, sir, I hope that’s all right with you sir.”
“Well, whether it is or not doesn’t seem to be of any consequence at this point.”
Mom threw out a helpless, “Don … ”
I looked at Jay sideways and shrugged. Jay looked at Preston who shrugged too and opened the doughnut bag.
“Off we go,” I said to myself.
The trip was long and we were squished but it was fun to have Jay along and he and Preston were happily joking with each other. Mom and Dad seemed to be okay. Everyone enjoyed the doughnuts in spite of themselves.
Brandy was on my lap and I had to sit with one foot on either side of the bump on the car floor but I was just glad nothing bad was happening.
We arrived in Preston’s new town. Northfield had two colleges, Preston was saying. “One college is Lutheran and has a really good music program. The other is known for intellectualism and drugs and student suicides … guess which one I’m going to.”
Preston laughed and Mom admonished, “Oh really Preston, your father is paying for you to go to this very prestigious school and that is no way to talk about it.”
Dad had been there once already when he and Preston drove up from Chicago for an interview. He knew his way around. He and Preston agreed on where to park the car. The car doors were flung open and we all spilled out gratefully. I had the leather dog leash wrapped around my wrist and when Brandy lurched off my lap I realized both my feet had fallen asleep so I had pins and needles. I walked gingerly to a stand of trees for Brandy to relieve himself.
Dad seemed genuinely excited about the school. He and Preston pointed out the beautiful buildings, old and picturesque. The campus looked like a really nice park, with rolling grassy hills and a pretty stone bridge over a brook. For a minute, I wondered what it would be like to go to college. It seemed very free and very romantic. I thought about books and the kinds of discussions Preston and I had about Emile Zola’s story over the summer and I realized I was going to miss my brother. I wondered if I’d ever go to college. For a fleeting second I thought about how someone like Jay, for all his good heartedness and innate dignity, was not really capable of that type of literary discussion and maybe never would be.
Mom, Dad, and Preston were carrying his things to the dorm. Jay and I had Brandy who wasn’t allowed inside.
We walked the campus and saw some very unusual looking characters. There was a girl in a long embroide
red dress and heavy leather boots walking across the stone bridge singing what sounded like an aria in Italian. Wow! That was freedom. There were kids who looked dirty and grimy with cigarettes and unusual hats, beads around their necks; young men with long hair, and scarves at their necks; girls with very long or very short hair, ethnic jewelry, flowing gauzy clothes. I remarked that Preston was going to fit right in.
Before long, Preston had Mom and Dad heading to the car. My brother lost whatever nervousness he had very quickly. He came over to Jay and me and said that his new roommate was a cool dude and that he was pretty sure the kid was high already. Jay seemed impressed. Preston seemed elated. “Okay, well I’ll see you guys at Christmas, huh? Right Dad? I’ll take the bus home for Christmas?”
Dad nodded. He was obviously eager to get back on the road because we had a long drive ahead of us.
“Preston, you haven’t eaten hardly anything all day. Is there going to be a meal for you kids?” Mom was worrying. I hated it when she suddenly decided to play the nice mom act. What did she think Preston did all the months he’d been away from her?
“Mom, yeah, it’s college. There are two cafeterias and they’re open the rest of the day. I’ll probably get my roommate and some of the other guys and we’ll go check it out. Okay well, goodbye everybody, thanks for getting me here. Dad, thank you. I really think we picked the best place.”
He looked at Jay and then at me. “Okay, well don’t get into trouble you two. Bye Brandy, you old stinker.”
He started to walk back toward his dorm, we were all in the car, the windows open, Dad slowly pulling out onto the street, when Preston turned and as a seeming afterthought called out, “Okay people. Make it home without anybody getting hurt, right?”
Dad let out a sarcastic laugh and pressed harder on the gas. I could see my brother in the rearview mirror, waving.
We drove a long way in silence. The back seat was comfortable now for Jay and me. Brandy had been lying on the seat between us, but I got kind of cold and made an excuse to share Brandy’s wool blanket with Jay. Jay and I sitting near each other for so long stirred up feelings I hadn’t felt in a while. I was getting sort of euphoric from the proximity. I could smell him and feel the heat from his strong thigh against mine. I wanted to touch him. I thought he was feeling it too because suddenly he seemed very taut and alive in his skin and that’s exactly how I felt. I pulled the blanket up and leaned harder against him. I was no longer thinking straight. I was trying to find a way to touch him to get closer to this feeling. I became awash in overwhelming love for him. I wanted my face in his hair. I wanted to put my hand between his thighs. I knew how a woman got pregnant but had no idea of what lead up to that act of intercourse. I had the vaguest remembrance of what happened to me with my brother when I was younger, but I buried that so deeply that I would not be able to say for sure whether it had even really happened. I was not connecting that incident with this. All I knew was my hand was on his thigh, under the blanket, and he moved it closer to the place where there was a bulge, a hardness, and he made a small groan or maybe it was just a sigh. Or maybe I made a groan or a sigh. My dad suddenly came alive, swung his head around, the car swerving, then adjusted the rearview mirror to see me, immediately shouting, “God damn it! What is going on back there?! Sidney! Get over on your side of the fucking car. Jay, I oughta pull this thing over and beat the shit out of you. Get your filthy fucking hands off my daughter. Sidney if I see anything like that again he is out on the shoulder immediately. God damn it
A Girl Called Sidney Page 9