Leah stormed out the precinct. She could feel Alex’s presence behind her, but he didn’t say a word. He followed her to the train and they headed uptown in an eerie silence. She glanced at Alex, who had his face down. His fingers, singed from his drug pipe, rested on his thighs. Leah wanted to say something to him, but she wasn’t sure if words of comfort or words of scorn would escape her lips. Silence was the best option.
She got off the train at 51st Street and Lexington and directed Alex to transfer to the E. Those were the only words she spoke to him as she walked back to the office. It was a little after five, but the office was still bustling. She returned to her desk and got back to work, determined to put all thoughts of Alex out of her mind.
She thought about calling Marcus’ assistant to let her know she had returned, but she was too afraid considering how long she’d been gone. She just hoped no one missed her.
She should have known she would not be so lucky. She saw Marcus heading to her desk. She tried to think of some excuse to give him. The truth was too shameful to tell.
“Is everything okay, Leah? Patty said you had to leave early for a family emergency.”
Leah hated lying, but life with Alex taught her how to be a good liar. “Everything is okay now. I’m sorry I had to step away.” Her voice was so calm and neutral she barely recognized it as hers.
“No worries. If you need to be home now, then please go. I can get someone else to do the article, or it can wait another day.”
“No!” Leah yelled and then caught herself before she made a complete and utter fool of herself. The last thing she wanted was for Marcus to reassign her first assignment. She would never recover from that professional blow. “I mean, I can handle it. Everything at home is fine now.” As good as it ever will be, she quipped to herself, but he didn’t need to know all her woes—especially on her first day.
“Okay, but if you change your mind, let me know.”
Leah thanked him, giving him the reassuring empty smile she learned from her mother. She returned to work, but it was hard to concentrate. She couldn’t get Alex’s face out of her head. He looked so sad when she snapped at him. She knew she shouldn’t feel bad about it. He deserved her anger for all of the pain he caused her, yet she hated hurting him. He didn’t hurt her because he didn’t care. He didn’t enjoy her pain. He was hurting himself more and he didn’t have the courage to stop.
Alex had been through so much in his life. There was a reason for the way he was now. Those reasons didn’t excuse his mistakes, but they provided some explanation for his downward spiral. This was what no one else understood. This was the reality Leah knew and why she couldn’t totally blame him for turning to drugs to numb the torment.
He didn’t know any other way to treat himself. He didn’t have anyone to help him. Leah tried, but Alex was beyond the help her love could offer. He needed professional help, needed it as a small child as all his foster families failed him. He was left to self-medicate and he turned to the ultimate pain relief, heroin. He knew that wasn’t the right answer, but at the time he knew no other answer. Six years later, he couldn’t live without the drug that would likely one day kill him, and if Leah was not careful, would kill her as well.
Leah tried to contain her turbulent emotions and complete her first story, but her mind would not allow her to focus on reality TV stars and the latest celebrity sex-tape scandal. She couldn’t write a superficial piece about pop culture. She decided to write about the one subject she knew all too well—the lure of drugs and the impact on youth. She wanted her blog to be a series of stories that readers could relate to and learn from. It might be a little darker than what Marcus had in mind but, right now, darkness was her only inspiration.
II
It was a little after nine-thirty when Leah finally returned home. What a long day it had been. It started off so strong, but ended with another drama that had become too typical for her life.
The lights were off in the apartment. Leah assumed Alex was out doing what he did best, getting high. She walked into the living room and jumped in surprise when she saw Alex sitting by the window in the darkness wearing nothing but a pair of gym shorts. He was so unnervingly still. It was as if he didn’t realize Leah was there.
Leah pulled up a seat next to him and just watched him watch the blackness of night. After several minutes Leah reached out and cupped his face in her hand. He closed his eyes and leaned his head into her touch, finally showing some sign of life.
He looked at her with those startling blue eyes and her heart just melted. Despite everything, she loved this man even when she hated him.
“I’m leaving tomorrow,” he announced surprising Leah.
“W-what?” she stuttered as she struggled to catch her breath. Panic consuming her. She could not believe what she heard. She must have heard it wrong. There was no way he said he was leaving, leaving her.
“There’s a detox and rehabilitation facility in Pennsylvania. I’m going to give it a shot. It’s a thirty-day program and then there is this outpatient program afterwards. I’m not sure how long that lasts. It depends on how screwed up they think I am. I leave tomorrow morning.”
Leah was stunned. They had talked about rehab before but he always refused to go. As much as she wanted him to go, she was scared to see him go.
“Will you be here when I get out?” he asked, nearly choking on the words. “Will you wait for me, Leah? Will you wait for me to come back and let me finally show you that I can be worthy of you?”
“Forever,” she promised him as the tears fell from his eyes. Alex never cried, and it scared her to see it. She’d never seen him so defeated, so depressed. Part of her was afraid to let him go. What if something happened to him there? What if he needed her? Logically she knew he had to do this on his own. All she could do was wait for him and be there for him when he came home. “I will wait for you forever, Alex. Just get well. For the record, you have always been worthy of me. I just wish you could love yourself as much as I adore every ounce of you.”
Leah pulled him into her arms and he rested his head against her chest. She just held him with all her strength. She would be strong enough for the both of them.
Thirty days seemed so brutally long to be apart, but she knew he needed this. They both did. His addiction was destroying them and any hope of a future.
Thirty days. To not hear the sound of his voice or see his sweet smile for all that time. To not have his touch for a month.
To say she would miss him felt like a gross simplification of the magnitude of this loss, but she knew this was for the best. She certainly would not miss the heroin, the sleepless nights worrying about him, the hours spent cleaning him up, and the mornings yelling at him for putting them through this hellish torture. Too many months, too many years spent in this cycle of pain, and it was long past time it ended. She hoped rehab would be the solution. She needed it to be.
She kissed his head and he lifted his saddened eyes to meet hers. That spark between them still glowing brightly and, in that moment, she knew it always would. “We are meant to be,” she spoke. As clichéd as it might have sounded, she knew in her heart it was true.
Alex reached for her and she gladly obliged as his lips met hers in a desperate, longing kiss. There was something more she needed before he left in the morning. “Make love to me, Alex,” she pleaded as she ached to feel close to him, to be one with him.
They never made it to the bedroom. They just devoured each other on their living room floor. Leah rested her head on his chest and draped her left arm and leg around him. She clung to him like a scared child. That was how she felt. She was scared for him. Scared for the future. Withdrawal would be hard for him, but she also knew he was strong enough to handle it. She just hoped he realized he was strong enough.
“You can beat this, Alex. I know you can. You’re so much stronger than you know.”
He turned his head away and stared into the gloom. “You have too much faith in me bab
e, especially considering how much I have let you down.”
The emptiness in his voice hurt. Leah wanted to take his pain away, but she had never been able to rescue him. Not from his childhood nightmares, nor his current misery.
“Remember when we went skateboarding and I tried to impress you and did this stupid stunt which resulted in me breaking my foot? I was in agony. Neither of us had a cellphone and no real means to get help. The nearest hospital was several miles away. You never panicked, Alex. You lifted me up and onto your back. I held onto your neck, nearly choking you at times, but nothing stopped you from walking those miles to the hospital. You carried me that whole way, never once complaining even though I knew you were in agony. Your back was already damaged from your accident, but you acted as if there was no pain. The only words from your mouth were words of encouragement and praise for me dealing with the pain. It’s like you had no regard for all the pain carrying me caused you. You took care of me and made me safe even at your expense. Your back was a mess for months afterwards, but you never showed an ounce of regret. You told me that you would carry me from here to California if that’s what I needed. You are the strongest person I know, Alex. You will do anything for those you love. I just hope you learn to love yourself so that can save yourself.”
Alex sat up, lifting her up with him. He pulled Leah across his body so that she straddled his hips. He thrust in her and she wrapped her arms around him as their bodies moved in unison.
“Why do you love me?” he whispered in her ear.
“Because you are everything I could ever want or need. You always have been and always will be.”
The next day, Leah awoke alone. Alex was gone, but this time he left a note.
My Dearest Leah,
My bus leaves Port Authority at 5:30 so I had to go. I didn’t want to wake you and I wanted to remember you sleeping so peacefully and soundly for the first time in years. I don’t know what’s going to happen in rehab. All I can say is that I will try. I will try to do better and be better for you. I am so sorry for yesterday. I know you are tired of my apologies, but I have to tell you how much I regret my behavior. I called Bill last night to apologize as well. I will find a way to pay for the damage. I wish I knew how to repair the damage I’ve done to us. Money can’t fix this. I just hope time can.
All I can say is that I love you babe and I will do my best to make you as proud of me as I am of you. One day I will deserve your love Leah. I just hope you can wait for me. I don’t think I can make it without you. I don’t want to make it without you. Please be patient with me. There will be more ups and downs until I learn to deal with my demons but I will try to make sure there are far more highs than lows in our lives together. I will try to give you the life you deserve and be the man you need. A man that is not controlled by drugs, but a man who is in control of his mind and heart. Regardless of where this road leads, my heart will always lead back to you.
Love you eternally,
Alex
Chapter 3: Homecoming
“Where’s my Alex?” the shrill voice demanded. It was barely seven in the morning and Leah was hoping to sleep in, but no such luck. She’d spent the past week working day and night until she was too exhausted to think about Alex and how he was doing in rehab. Finally, the weariness had wreaked havoc on her body and she knew she had to get some extra sleep tonight. Well, she managed two extra hours until the phone rang and Alex’s foster mother Rose shouted in her ear. Not the ideal wake-up call, but she had to face Rose eventually. It was a miracle she avoided her for the last week.
This was the last call she wanted to get, but it could not be ignored any longer. Rose was a pain in the ass, but she was a good mother in her own way. She and her husband provided Alex with a loving home, which was no small feat. After years of being bounced around to different subpar foster homes, Alex was not an easy teenager to embrace, but the Donnellys welcomed the troubled youth into their home and treated him as if he was their own son. They loved him, but almost too much. It was like they refused to see the trouble lurking behind the mask Alex wore for them. He wanted to be their perfect son, but trying to live up to their expectations had taken its toll on him. He felt like a lie around them. He complained often that he could never be himself around his foster parents. He would put on the performance they would want to see, as they could never handle the truth.
Rose in particular could never see fault in Alex. It took her years to acknowledge that he had a drug problem, and even now she blamed it on his unhealthy relationship with Leah. Her resentment of the bond between Alex and Leah was obvious. She never hid her disdain for their relationship. So many times she tried to convince Alex to break up with Leah and date other girls. She even tried to set him up on dates, but it never worked. She offered him money to bribe him into dating another, but Alex would refuse. Well, he took the money and then took Leah to a fancy restaurant they would otherwise not be able to afford. Alex showed no interest in his mother’s attempts to control his love life. As much as he yearned to please Rose, he would not do it at Leah’s expense. Rose knew it and she had always hated Leah for it. Leah had learned to live with Rose’s contempt, but it certainly made things difficult. The last thing Alex needed was more stress. He was constantly caught in the middle of his mother’s ire towards Leah and to comfort himself, he turned to more drugs. Rose, of course, blamed this on Leah.
The last time Leah spoke to Rose was nearly two months ago, and it was another argument; Rose complaining that Alex depended too much on Leah for his happiness and when she let him down, he spiraled into depression and drugs.
If only his problems were that simple. Leah knew his addiction was not her fault, but there was no convincing Rose otherwise. She needed someone to blame, and Leah was a convenient target. In Rose’s mind, Leah was Alex’s heroin. Not the white powder he injected in his veins.
Leah had hoped to avoid this phone call. She assumed Alex would deal with his mother, but by the sound of her voice it was clear Rose didn’t know he was in rehab.
“Good morning, Rose. How are you?” Leah forced herself to respond politely. Rose may be obnoxiously rude to her, but she would not give her the satisfaction of accusing her of the same bad behavior. Kill her with kindness was Leah’s strategy with Rose. It hadn’t melted her heart at all, though. In fact, it seemed to make her angrier, which actually gave Leah a warped sense of pleasure. She knew she should feel guilty about that, but it was nice to get under Rose’s skin without having to sink to her level.
Leah could hear her huff, but her words had the desired effect. “Good morning, Leah,” she responded so stiffly that Leah had to bite back her laugh. “How are you?”
She was definitely choking on those words, Leah mused. Her husband Bob might need to resuscitate her before this call was over. I hope he knows the Heimlich. I can picture her gasping for oxygen as Bob struggles to wrap his arms around her large frame. Leah could no longer contain her laughter as images of Bob desperately trying to save Rose from choking on her own false words.
“Is something funny, Leah?”
Oops. I guess I was laughing out loud. Leah needed a laugh. There hadn’t been much to enjoy this last, lonely week without Alex.
“Sorry Rose. I’m just a little distracted.”
“Well. I was looking for Alex. I’ve left numerous messages on his cellphone, but he has not returned my calls. I am worried about my son. Do you know where he is? Have you called the police? Have you searched for him or is he all alone out there with no one to help him?”
Leah’s frustration was increasing by the minute, but she took several deep, calming breaths. Rose was frazzled and panicking. Of course she would assume the worst. As tempting as it would be to bark at her in return or reply sarcastically to her blatant insults. Leah decided to be the adult in this conversation.
“Rose, Alex is fine,” Leah tried to assure her. “He is safe and I pray getting the help he needs.”
“What does that mean? Where i
s my son? What have you done to him?”
The accusation in her voice really irked Leah’s nerves, but she kept her composure. After all, this was her future mother-in-law and she would have to figure out a way to deal with her for Alex’s sake. For as big of a pain in the neck she was, Alex loved her. She was truly his mom in all ways except blood.
“Rose, I haven’t done anything to Alex. He admitted himself into rehab,” Leah explained proudly. She was so proud of him for getting help on his own.
Rose was so eerily quiet that Leah started to get nervous, but she finally spoke up. “Rehab? That’s amazing. I never thought he would go.”
“I didn’t either,” Leah admitted, “but he came to this decision on his own. He knows he needs help and he is finally taking some action. I can’t tell you how happy I am for him.”
“How long has he been gone? How long will he be there? Can I go see him?”
“He left a week ago. It’s a thirty-day program. He is not supposed to have contact with anyone outside the facility for the entire time. You won’t be able to see him or talk to him. I can’t either. I just have to wait and hope that when he is released, he will be healed or at least on a path to healing.”
“I hope you’re right.” Suddenly, Rose ended the call abruptly, probably too shocked to talk further.
Leah couldn’t pretend to be sorry that call was over. She knew Rose loved Alex and she wanted what was best for him. She just wished she wouldn’t see her as the enemy. Alex was her heart. Leah would never intentionally do anything to hurt him. Rose didn’t know half the drama that she and Alex had endured. She couldn’t appreciate how much they had meant to each other for all these years.
For the Love of Alex Page 4