“Don’t insult my intelligence.” She stopped his lie. “Show me enough respect to be honest with me. Not only are you using, but you had the audacity to steal needles from my doctor. Did you volunteer to go with me to the appointment just so you could steal? Did you even give a damn that I was sick or was this too good of an opportunity for you to get what you wanted?”
Alex moved to the couch, where she sat stoically and crouched before her taking her hands in his. “I swear to you that I went with you because I was worried about you. I had no intention of stealing anything. I saw the needles and the cabinet was open and before I could think I took it. I was upset that we fought. I realize that I’ve been fighting a losing battle. You didn’t believe in me. I’m not blaming you, but I could see your doubt because I felt the same doubts. I’ve been having a hard time since I’ve been back. I wanted to get better. I wanted to show you I could be better, but I couldn’t do it and I didn’t want you to see me fail. I knew you thought I would and I wanted to prove to you I could make it, but I couldn’t. I don’t know how to deal with everything when I don’t have the drugs to take the pain away. I wish I were stronger, but I’m not strong enough.”
Leah knew she would have to be strong enough for the both of them, and that meant she could not give in to him no matter how it shredded her heart. “You run, Alex. You run from the things you don’t want to face and you use drugs to help you run away, but at some point you have to stop running. You can’t outrun life or your problems. I admit that I doubted you would make it because in my heart I knew that you left rehab too soon and that you weren’t ready to cope with life. I thought I could help you get there, but it’s not about me. I was so arrogant to believe that my love could fix you. I can’t fix you and I can’t watch you die. And you will die if you continue down this path. The only issue is will I let you take me with you. A few months ago, I would have said yes. That’s how low I’ve sunk, but I won’t now. I have to fight for our child’s sake and I have to take care of myself for this baby. I can’t let you destroy me with your addiction. I have to let you go. Even though I don’t know how I will survive without you, I have to learn how. I will always hope and pray that one day you will come back to me, come back to us.”
Alex rested his head in her lap clutching her hands tightly. “There’s no hope for me if I lose you,” he cried.
“There’s no hope for me if I stay.” Leah gathered up the last of her courage. She held his tear-stained face in her hands. “I love you. Always. That will never change. I promise that I will wait for you. Forever, if that’s how long it takes. I’m not giving up hope, but I am not going to delude myself any longer and live a lie.”
Alex stood up as angry tears continued to flow. “How can you just abandon me like this? We’ve been together for eighteen years, Leah. You are just going to toss that away? You promised me that you wouldn’t be like all the rest. You wouldn’t leave me.”
“I didn’t leave you. You left me, Alex. You left me for your lover heroin, and I can’t compete with that white powder that means more to you than our eighteen years together.”
Alex grabbed a nearby vase and threw it into the wall, shattering the glass over the hardwood floor. Leah barely flinched. She knew he would not hurt her. Despite everything, he wouldn’t do that.
“I wouldn’t walk away from you. I would never do this to you.”
“No Alex, I would never have chosen drugs over you. I would never have put you in the situation to make such a choice. That’s the difference between us.”
“I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t want this for myself or for you.”
No, he didn’t choose this. Drugs were forced upon him when he was just an innocent boy desperate for his mother’s love. But at some point he had to take responsibility for the choices he had made since that time. Leah could not continue to excuse his behavior because of the crimes committed against him as a child. He was no longer that scared, lonely little boy. He had become a scared, lonely man who couldn’t free himself from the past. Those memories chained him to the past and until he broke free, there was no future for him, for them.
“You didn’t choose how this started, Alex, but you have chosen to continue it.” She could see the resignation in his face and it nearly killed her, but she forged ahead before the last of her strength faded. “You have to go, Alex. Take your bags and either go to rehab or find a new place to live, but you can’t stay here. I will not compete with your addiction.”
Alex just stood there for what felt like hours, but was probably no longer than a few minutes. She knew he was waiting for her to change her mind and she saw the acceptance in his eyes when he realized she would not this time. He walked over to the door and grabbed his bags.
“Alex,” she called out to him. He turned to her and she almost felt guilty for the look of hope in his eyes, but she would not change her mind. Not this time. She just had one more question to ask of him. “My engagement ring. It’s missing. It has been for weeks. You must have noticed. I waited for you to say something but you never did. Then I realized you didn’t say anything because you probably already know what happened to it. So tell me the truth. Did you take it? Did you sell it for drugs?”
“You already know the answer to that question, Leah.” He left, slamming the door behind him.
Leah stood on shaking legs as she went over to the door and turned the deadbolt. Her hands trembled so much she could barely lock the door. That final click unleashed the agony of the past hour and she sank to her knees and sobbed until she was too dehydrated to shed another tear.
After a few hours, she crawled to her bedroom and slid into the bed. She reached for Alex’s shirt—the one she refused to pack that smelled of him—and buried her head in his scent until she fell asleep holding on to this little piece of Alex. At least for one night, she could convince herself that he was still here.
Chapter 6: Happy Birthday
Leah opened the door to her apartment, dropping her bags in the hallway. She survived another week of work. Another long week, but, unlike the previous two, there were no late-night visits from Alex begging her to let him come home. No more pounding on the door before dawn pleading for a second chance. Alex had stayed away this week, and she wondered if he would ever come back.
Had he finally given up? That was what she told herself she wanted, but now that the moment was here, it was more than she could bear. She missed the sound of his voice, his laughter. The way he would hold her at night. The comfort of sleeping in his arms. Now there was nothing but silence to greet her when she came home. That constant silence.
So many times she reached for the phone to call him and beg him to come back, but then she would look at the sonogram and remind herself why she couldn’t. If he were well, he would come back to her, but he was not. She knew it in her heart. He was as sick as ever and if she stayed with him, she would be infected as well.
That reality didn’t make things any easier. It didn’t take the pain of loss away. Doing the right thing didn’t necessarily result in feeling good. She may have been right, but she was also lonely and miserable. There was no satisfaction in righteousness when left feeling such emptiness.
She tried to take comfort in her work, but it was hard to write articles about the subject that destroyed her dreams. She no longer wanted to write about drugs. Her mind was too consumed by thoughts of the life that drugs stole from her. Every time she tried to type out a word, all she could muster was an angry rant against that white powder that meant more to Alex than she did.
Marcus had, fortunately, been extremely patient with her and even assigned someone else to help her with the blog, but she knew such kindness would not last forever. It was time for her to focus on her job and to do this. She would have to let Alex go, at least for now. Mission impossible, she admitted.
The doorbell rang and she raced to the door. For a moment she both hoped and feared that it would be Alex, but then she heard a familiar female voice and knew it w
as not him this time. She shouldn’t be so disappointed, but she was deep inside.
She opened the door and saw Claire looking as glamorous as ever. Her hair was a little longer and highlighted with a deep burgundy. She looked stunning in skinny jeans, glittery black tank, and matching black heels. Leah knew she must look like a homeless person in comparison with her faded sweatpants and NYU t-shirt.
“Oh Lee, what’s happened to you?”
Maybe she looked even worse than she realized. “It’s good to see you, Claire.”
“It’s good to see you too, my friend. Sorry I haven’t come by sooner.”
It was probably better that way. The last time they spoke on the phone, they argued. They exchanged a few emails since but a wall had been erected between them and neither seemed too anxious to climb it.
Leah wanted to reach out to Claire after she asked Alex to leave, but she didn’t how know her friend would react. She certainly did not want to hear any judgments or I told you so’s. She was reeling enough on her own. The last thing she needed was to see someone else feeling pleasure about a decision that was killing her slowly each day.
“Come on in, Claire.”
Claire stepped into the apartment. “Is Alex home?”
“Can I get you something to drink?” Leah offered as she went to the kitchen. That was an obvious attempt to avoid Claire’s question, and Claire was much too astute to let her get away with it. She followed Leah into the kitchen.
“Tea would be great. Thanks.”
Leah filled the kettle and waited. It didn’t take long for Claire to ask again.
“Is Alex here, Leah? If it is a bad time I can come back.”
There was never a good time. Not these days. There was nothing but bad times and worse times. Today was as good as it ever would be.
“Look, Claire. Alex is not here. In fact, he hasn’t been here in weeks. I asked him to leave.”
Claire’s eyes grew so large that Leah thought they might burst. “You asked Alex to leave? He started using again, didn’t he?”
No point in lying. “Yes. I wonder if he ever really stopped.”
“Oh, Leah. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for both of you.” Leah couldn’t hide her disbelief. “I know you think I was anti-Alex, but I wasn’t. He was destroying himself every day and I feared for you, Leah. I just didn’t want him to destroy you too. I wish I could do something to help Alex get better for his sake, but mostly for yours. He is sick and he won’t get better unless he chooses to. I didn’t want you to fall with him. I know I haven’t been the most supportive friend. Frankly, I’ve been a judgmental bitch most of the time. I’m sorry, Leah. If there is anything I can do for you now, I’m here. I will be here for you as long as you need me.”
That was the last thing Leah expected to hear, but it was the one thing she needed to hear. She hugged Claire and cried in her friend’s arms. Finally, she could unleash her pain. Someone could be there for her.
The whistling tea kettle broke up the tearful moment, but for the first time in weeks, Leah felt some relief. She poured them both a couple of mugs of jasmine tea and they went to the living room to talk. Finally Leah really talked to her friend, and Claire really listened.
“I can’t believe you’ve been going through so much. Don’t take this the wrong way, but is that why you’ve gained weight? Are you eating to cope? There’s nothing wrong with enjoying your comfort food especially in times like this, but I know you’ve always been so conscious of your weight. I’m surprised you would allow yourself to gain a few pounds. I don’t mean that as an insult. You look great with a few extra pounds. Ugh. That probably came out the wrong way and I just made things worse, didn’t I? I seriously have foot-in-mouth syndrome. Look, eat what you want as much as you want. I will go buy you a pint of Ben & Jerry’s right now if you want.”
Leah erupted into laughter. It was a sound so foreign to her ears. She couldn’t remember the last time she laughed or felt so carefree. This was so much better than crying.
“Oh Claire, I do love you.”
“I didn’t hurt your feelings?”
Claire looked so pitiful that Leah reached over and gave her a reassuring hug.
“I have gained weight and I will be gaining a lot more in the next six months.” Leah searched Claire’s face to see some sign of understanding, but Claire looked perplexed. “Claire, I’m pregnant. That’s why I had to let Alex go. I have to protect our baby from his addiction.”
“OMG! WTF!”
This might be the first time ever in Claire’s life where she was at a loss for words. “You’re speaking in text, Claire.” It was as if the shock robbed her of her ability to speak in normal English sentences.
“Wow!” Claire shouted.
Well, at least she was speaking in actual words now. “That was sort of my reaction when I found out. I was convinced I had an ulcer or a tumor. To my surprise, the doctor told me it’s a baby. I still didn’t believe her until I saw the sonogram and heard its little heartbeat. That made it so real for me. It changed everything. I knew then I couldn’t go on like this. The baby has to come first.”
“How did Alex react to the news?”
“Actually, he was happy. Once the shock wore off, we both were, but it wasn’t enough. He still chose heroin over us, so I had to let him go. Hardest thing I’ve ever done. Part of me doubts it was the right thing to do. My mind says it was right, but my heart feels like I made the biggest mistake of my life.”
Claire reached over and hugged Leah. “I really admire you. You did the right thing girl, but I don’t know how you found the strength to do it. I don’t think I could have been so brave. I wish I would have come sooner, but I’m here now Leah for you and the baby. I like the idea of a baby. I get to be Auntie Claire. I hope it’s a girl. We can get our nails and hair done and I can teach her the art of designer shopping. There are Prada days and Louis days. Baby girl needs to know the difference. There is so much she can learn from her Auntie Claire.”
“All the important things in life?” Leah teased.
“Exactly.”
Claire stayed over most of the night as the women made popcorn and watched a couple of classic horror movies. Neither was in the mood for romance, but watching a gorefest was the perfect medicine for them.
Leah was sorry to see Claire leave, but at least now she knew her friend was back and she didn’t have to go through all of this so alone anymore.
Claire was so excited about the baby. She was already inquiring as to how old the baby needed to be for a manicure. Leah tried to tell her that there was a fifty percent chance the baby was a boy, but that didn’t matter to Claire. She explained that boys needed manicures as well. Leah wasn’t buying it, but she would save that debate for another day. There was plenty of time to worry about that stuff. For now, she just wanted to get through the rest of this pregnancy safely.
Dr. Lechter’s concerns about preeclampsia scared her more than she wanted to admit. She would do whatever it took to take better care of herself and the baby.
She went to bed shortly after Claire left. As usual, she slept holding on to Alex’s shirt. She may have asked him to leave, but she wasn’t quite ready to let go of him yet—not completely.
She awoke to a banging on her door. She looked at her alarm clock at it was 3:52am. She knew immediately who it was. She grabbed her robe and went to the door as soon as she could. The last thing she needed was for one of the neighbors to call the police. That already happened twice, and Alex was removed from the building both times.
“Alex, I’m here,” Leah called out to him.
“Hey babe.” His voice was so hoarse and raspy. It sounded painful to speak. Leah wondered if the rawness of his words was because of the drugs or his tears. Probably both.
“It’s late, Alex. Why are you here?”
She could hear him slide down the door as he sat on the ground. “It’s my birthday today. Happy birthday to me.”
She remembered. She never forgot
his birthday. She didn’t expect to spend it with him, but she had hoped to see him even if just for a moment. There would be no going back, though. Nothing had changed. By the sound of his voice it was clear he was as lost as ever.
She still couldn’t see him. She couldn’t let him come home. She thought about sending him a present, but it seemed a bit trite under the circumstances. Besides, she didn’t know where to send it. Was he living in a motel, at his parents, or, God forbid, on the streets?
Leah slid down the door as well and clutched her knees to her chest as she listened to his heavy breathing. He wasn’t well. She could feel it with every fiber of her being. She wanted to open that door to him and let him in, but she couldn’t.
“Happy birthday, Alex.”
“I’ve officially wasted twenty-two years today. How many more am I going to waste, Leah? How many more do I have left? I’m so tired. Can I come in?” he asked. “Never mind. I don’t want to hear you say no. Can we just talk for a little bit? I miss your voice. I want to hear your voice today. Your voice reminds me that my life was worth something at one point. That maybe the entire twenty-two years wasn’t a complete waste. There was good in those years. There was you.”
“I don’t consider one moment we’ve shared to be a waste. You’ve made me happier than I’ve ever thought possible.”
“I’ve also made you more miserable than you ever should have been,” he acknowledged ruefully.
She couldn’t deny those words. “There’s been by far more good than bad. I want to believe there can be in the future too. It’s up to you, Alex. Choose our future over the drugs.”
He sat there so silently that for a moment she thought he’d fallen asleep. “The first time I celebrated my birthday was with you. It was that first day of school when I met you. I had woken up that morning and made a wish. I knew there wouldn’t be a cake or candles for me. Not in that foster home, but I still made a wish as I ate my cereal. I wished that I would finally have a friend. I wanted someone in my life who cared about me, cared what happened to me. I wanted to matter to someone. I didn’t want to be invisible anymore. I went to school that day and I saw you and I knew my wish had come true. You looked at me in the classroom. Not around me, not through me, but at me. You saw me. You were the first person in my life that really saw me. I felt reborn that day. I had finally come to life. It was you, Leah. You brought me to life. That was the first day of my life. That was the best day of my life.”
For the Love of Alex Page 13