Everything would be okay. She just had to convince herself of that.
“There’s no reason to be nervous. I just can’t wait to see Alex,” Leah informed her mother, hoping if she sounded confident enough, she might believe her own words. “I should get going.”
Francesca had arranged for a rental car for Leah since she recently sold her car to help manage expenses. She preferred Leah to take a car service, but Leah refused. She would not show up at Alex’s sober-living facility with an expensive car and driver. She wouldn’t want him to think for a minute that she was doing so well without him and that she and Sienna didn’t need him, because they desperately did.
“I wish you didn’t have to take the baby to that…place.” Francesca grimaced as she cradled the baby to her chest.
“Mother.” Leah spoke with that tone that reminded her mother she was being a snob once again. “There is nothing wrong with that place. That place is helping to save Sienna’s daddy’s life. Besides, Alex needs to see his daughter and Sienna needs to see him.”
“I know,” Francesca reluctantly conceded. “It’s just that I wonder if that place is safe for her. It’s a rooming place for addicts.”
“Recovered addicts, Mom.” Leah understood her mother’s concern and although she hadn’t seen the place, she knew Alex would not have invited them there if it wasn’t safe.
“Recovering addicts, Leah. There is a difference. You should keep that in mind.” Francesca stood up and placed the now sleeping baby in her car seat. “Alex has a long road ahead of him. I don’t want you to think this will magically get fixed overnight. Just be patient with him and don’t overburden him with your expectations. You don’t want to set his recovery back by making demands on him that he is not equipped to handle yet.”
That was unexpectedly sage advice from her mother, who was surprising her more and more each day. “When did you get so smart, Mom?” Leah teased.
“Your failures make you smarter if you choose to learn from them.” Francesca reached for her coat and walked out the door.
A half-hour later, Leah was sitting in the rental car outside the sober-living facility. She sat there for nearly ten minutes just staring at the place Alex now called home. She couldn’t seem to make her body move. As much as she wanted to see him, she was afraid of what she would see.
She rested her head on the steering wheel, trying to calm her anxiety. A sudden knock on the window startled her, and she turned to see a familiar set of striking blue eyes staring back at her.
Alex opened the door and crouched down beside her. “Are you going to hide in here all afternoon?”
Leah no longer felt like hiding. Now that she saw him, she wanted nothing more than to be with him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in his shoulder. Alex held her tightly as they held each other as if they had not seen each other in years, when it had only been a few long weeks.
Leah pulled away, but she cupped his face in her hands, desperately yearning for contact with him. There were no words to describe how much she longed for him—how much she loved him.
“God I’ve missed you.” She kissed his cheeks and then his lips.
“I’ve missed you more.”
Leah smiled. “Not possible.”
Alex pulled her closer to him, brushing his lips ever so slightly against hers before deepening the kiss. There was so much longing in that kiss. It quickly went from comforting to passionate, leaving both Alex and Leah winded.
They almost forgot where they were as they continued to grope each other in the parking lot, but Sienna gave them a piercing cry to remind them. Alex stood up and quickly opened the backseat of the car. He removed Sienna from her car seat and held her lovingly against him. Instantly she stopped crying and looked up at her father with her matching blue eyes.
“How do you do that?” Leah inquired. She could never calm Sienna that quickly, but Alex seemed to have the magic touch. It was like she somehow knew that Alex was her daddy and she felt safe and secure with him. Leah could relate to that feeling.
“I think she likes me,” Alex beamed.
“No, Alex. I think she loves you.” Just like Leah, Sienna had fallen helplessly in love with Alex. He was so easy to love. If only he could love himself as much as those around him did.
Alex gave them a brief tour of the facility, which was more like a cozy bed and breakfast. Leah met the owner, some of the staff, and several other residents who, like Alex, were trying to get on their feet without the aid of drugs.
The facility owner, Mary Beth, was such a pleasant and welcoming woman. She made them a special family lunch and reserved a private area for the three of them—though they did not get much privacy, as everyone wanted to see the baby. Sienna enjoyed being the center of attention as she smiled and cooed at all those friendly faces.
“She’s going to be trouble,” Mary Beth warned. “You’re going to have to beat the boys away, Alex.”
“She’s not leaving the house until she’s eighteen, and even then she won’t be going anywhere without me to supervise.” Mary Beth swatted Alex on the shoulder as she returned to kitchen.
They ate a lovely meal and mostly spent time talking about Sienna and everything Alex had missed so far. He was eager to learn about his daughter. Leah could see the love in his eyes as he held her.
He even offered to change her smelly diaper. Leah followed him to his room so they could change Sienna. Alex had his own room, but Leah was surprised that it was so sparsely decorated. The only personal thing he displayed was a photo of her and Sienna that was taken when they left the hospital. Otherwise, the room was devoid of any connection. It was like a hotel room.
“What are you thinking?” Alex asked as he placed the baby on his bed and started to change her.
“This place is really nice, but where are your things? It seems so bare. It doesn’t have that homey feeling, at least not in your room.”
“That’s because it’s not home,” Alex explained. “Home is where I live with you and our daughter. This place is helping me find my way back there.”
Leah was so relieved to hear him say that. She walked up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist.
Alex paused and turned to face her. “Are you surprised? I thought you understood this was temporary. I just need time to get myself on track, and then I could come back to you and be the man you and Sienna need and not the shell of a human being I have been most of my life.”
“I know. I just sometimes fear that the longer you stay away, the less likely you will ever want to come back.”
“Don’t think like that, Leah. There is no place I would rather be than with you and Sienna.” As Alex bent down to kiss Leah, Sienna squealed. “Our daughter has impeccable timing.” Alex finished changing her diaper and redressing her while Leah watched him.
“How did you get so good at that? It took me several tries and multiple accidents before I learned to put it on right.”
“I changed a few diapers when I was in some of the earlier foster homes. You remember the Arnolds? They had a revolving door of foster kids, but many were infants not much older than Sienna. As one of the older kids I was responsible for taking care of them. I learned quickly how to change diapers, give baths, fix meals, and anything else those little ones needed.”
Alex had never been willing to talk about his life in foster care before. She knew some of the homes were really bad but he never wanted to discuss it. He would block her attempts or change the subject. As well as she knew him, there was a whole side of his life that she didn’t know at all. Would he finally be able to let her in?
“Alex, there’s so much of your life I don’t know and would like to know if you are willing to talk to me. I don’t want to pressure, but I just want you to know that I am here if you want to open up.”
Alex lifted Sienna up in his arms and she rested her head on his shoulder. He sat next to Leah on the bed and she leaned into him resting her head on his other should
er.
“I never wanted you to really know me because I was afraid what you would see would make you run away and never look back. I couldn’t bear to lose you. I’ve learned that keeping the truth from you created a wall between us, and I don’t want there to be anything separating us again. If I want your love, I have to allow you to love all of me—the good, bad, and ugly. Leah, there is some ugly but I will share it with you because you deserve to know the real me before you agree to build a life with me forever.”
Leah knew there was a lot of darkness he was hiding, but she wasn’t afraid of the truth. Not anymore. They had overcome so many obstacles to get to this point. As far as she was concerned, there was nothing left they couldn’t conquer. No matter what secrets he hid, nothing would change her feelings for him. Alex was too deeply entrenched in her heart.
“I know the real you, Alex. The sadness that has marred your life doesn’t define you, but I do want to know about those nightmares that keep you up at night. I want to slay the monsters that scare you. I want to fight beside you Alex, now and always.”
Alex kissed her head and pulled her tighter into him. “Good, because I can’t do it without you. There’s one monster in particular I need you to help me slay.” Leah looked up into Alex’s troubled eyes. “Will you come with me to see my mother?”
II
A week later, Leah was driving Alex just outside of Clinton, New Jersey to the Edna Mahan Correctional Facility for Women. This was her first time visiting a prison and the prospect was a bit intimidating, but she didn’t hesitate to go with Alex when he asked her.
This was such a significant step for him and she would not allow him to take it alone. She was so proud of him for finally being willing to face this lingering torment that had haunted him ever since he was a child. She knew this would be incredibly hard for him. His mother was the last tether to the past he struggled so hard to forget.
He sat stoically in the car, barely moving or saying a word. Leah would not force him to find words. She would allow him to cope in whatever manner he needed, and whether that was through talking, crying, or silence, she would be there for him.
This prison was certainly not what Leah had expected. It looked like a college campus with greater security. Not the drab, dilapidated compound she expected to see. There was something so unnervingly welcoming about this place. It didn’t seem like a place for punishment but a home for those in need of healing.
Rebecca Briggs was fortunate to have been transferred there five years before. Apparently, her behavior since confinement had improved after a rough beginning, when she spent many days in solitary for starting fights. Most of that had been because of her desperation to get drugs. She’d been a hardcore addict, and rehab in prison was tortuous. For Rebecca, the agony had been so unbearable that she tried to hang herself after the first week. Finally she was removed to a psychiatric ward, where they helped her deal with the effects of withdrawal.
She was given methadone and remained on the drug for nearly eight years. Attempts to wean her off had been disastrous, but within the last few years, she showed progress. The violent outbursts ended, but mentally she would never be the same.
One of her doctors explained to Alex that she possessed the emotional maturity of a teenager, her mental growth stunted by years of drug abuse. Even with that limitation, she attempted to take some vocational classes in prison and completed her GED. She worked in the laundry and sometimes helped prepare meals.
Like her son, her passion was art and she would sit for hours painting pictures in one of the classrooms. That’s where she was when Alex and Leah arrived. She agreed to see them because there were never other visitors. The guard warned them that she didn’t seem to know who Alex was when they mentioned him. When they told him he was her son, she grew quiet and withdrawn and refused to leave her room for days.
Today she was better, the guard explained, and back to painting, which seemed to be her only comfort.
“It’s good you’ve come,” the guard told Alex. “Even if you never come again, you should say goodbye. I’ve been doing this job for a long time and I know for the families, it’s important to make peace with their loved ones in prison. If it helps, your mother has come a long way. She will never be completely okay, but she’ll survive. She’s found a home here and it’s good for her.”
Leah knew that no matter how much rehabilitation Rebecca underwent, she would never be free of these walls, for she’d been sentenced to life without the possibility of parole. Rebecca would die in prison.
After what seemed like an endless walk, the guard escorted Alex and Leah to a room with small tables and chairs, which reminded Leah of her middle school. In the corner was a woman in a blue jumpsuit surrounded by art. She was so engrossed in her painting that she didn’t hear them enter the room.
An armed correctional officer was already in the room, patiently watching Rebecca paint.
“We let her spend two hours a day in here painting. It’s not normal procedure, but it keeps her calm and content. She really is no bother, so we try to give her this one thing. Besides, she’s really good. A local gallery wants to feature her work.”
Alex nodded, but he could not take his eyes off the woman, who continued to paint diligently as if in a world of her own. They could not see her face, but they could see her long blond hair tied in a ponytail.
The guard told them that he would come back for them in thirty minutes or, if they wanted to leave sooner, let the other correctional officer in the room know and he would come back and usher them out.
Alex was tense. Leah could feel him struggling to stay calm as his body trembled next to her. She clutched his hand tightly in hers.
“It’s going to be okay. You can do this,” Leah assured him.
“I don’t even know what she looks like anymore,” he whispered. “I don’t remember her face, her voice, but somehow I do remember her. I’ve never been able to escape her memory. Does that make any sense?”
“Perfect sense. She’s your mother and once upon a time, Alex, you loved her. Maybe you still do.”
Alex grabbed a couple of chairs and moved them near his mother. It was close enough to talk but not close enough to touch her. Leah knew as much as wanted to be near his mother he wanted to keep his distance from this stranger.
As they sat in the chairs, the woman turned to look at them. Her striking blue eyes darted back and forth between them before locking on Alex.
Alex stilled before looking away. He clearly couldn’t face those all-too-familiar eyes. He stared at his hands, tapping nervously on his lap. Leah reached for his right hand, intertwining it with hers. Instantly Alex calmed, the gratitude evident in his watery eyes.
Leah hated to see him hurting like this. Part of her wanted them to just leave now, but Alex needed to stop running. He needed to face his demons and this woman in front of them was the one who was the center of his childhood nightmares and still continued to haunt him. She had the power to destroy him and, unless he ended this now, he would always be at the mercy of his fear.
Leah squeezed his hand before lifting in to her mouth and kissing it. Alex closed his eyes and his body began to relax. The trembling ceased. He smiled at Leah before turning to face the woman whose eyes remained focused on him.
“Who are you?” Rebecca asked as she studied him closely.
“It’s me, Mom. It’s Xander.”
Leah had never heard Alex use that nickname. Once she tried to call him Xander, but it upset him so that she never used the moniker again. Now it made sense. That name was reserved for him by his mother. Once she heard his name, her eyes instantly warmed and filled with moisture. The guard had said she did not recognize him, but maybe she didn’t recognize him as Alex. She knew her son to be Xander.
“My Xander.” She smiled and reached for Alex, but he pulled back, keeping a comfortable distance between them. Rebecca did not seem to notice the rejection. Her quizzical eyes turned to Leah. “Who is this woman with
you?”
“I’m Leah, Alex’s…Xander’s fiancé.”
Rebecca briefly acknowledged her before turning back to Alex. “My precious Xander. You’ve come back to me. My beautiful boy is back. Will you paint with me? We used to paint together when you were a child. You would sit on my lap and we would hold the brush together and paint. I would sing to you. And you would tell me ‘I love you, Mama.’ Do you remember, Xander?”
“I remember, Mom. I remember a lot of things.” Most of those memories were painful ones. Especially when she was dangerously high. She would beat Alex until he was so bruised that he could barely walk. He would hide in the closet to escape her anger, but she would always find him and use her fists to punish him for whatever unknown offense she deemed him guilty of that day. There were moments where she showered him with love, but most days she drowned him in her anger and her addiction.
“Will you stay with me, Xander?”
“No, Rebecca. I’m not your little Xander anymore. I’m Alex now. I just came here to say goodbye.”
Rebecca looked puzzled. “You’re my little Xander,” she insisted, as if she were seeing the little boy she remembered and not the man sitting in front of her.
“I’m not a child anymore. I never really was because of you and the drugs you gave me. I have spent my entire life blaming you for every mistake I’ve made since you turned me into an addict. Since you let your addict friends do things to me that no child should ever have to endure.”
Leah inhaled sharply, realizing just how deep Alex’s torment extended. She wanted to reach out and hold him in her arms, but right now, she would listen and give him the space to unburden himself of nineteen years of horrid memories. He glanced at her and she squeezed his hand, encouraging him to continue.
“I’ve spent the last few months in rehab learning that I have to stop blaming you. I have to accept responsibility for the bad choices I’ve made. I can spend my life hating you and destroying myself in the process, or I can heal and accept love and give love. I choose love. I came here to see you, Rebecca, Mom, to let you know that I survived you. No longer will you be the monster in my dreams that scares me into silence. I’m not afraid of you anymore. So I’m here to let you know that I’m okay and I will be okay despite everything. I have the love of the most amazing woman who has stood by me even though I have put her through hell. I’ve given her every reason to run, but she has always stayed by my side. I now have the most precious daughter for whom I am determined to be the father she deserves. I am building my life again one brick at a time, but I cannot move forward until I close the door of my past—my past with you. Goodbye, Mom.”
For the Love of Alex Page 23