He braced his hands on the roof of Sean’s car. He couldn’t lose control here, where people and smartphones could see. Behind him he heard the door to the coffee shop open, the giggle of the girls they’d met at the Rock House following him down the street. He had to hold it together.
He took a breath. Truth was, this should have been perfect. It should have been perfect schadenfreude, served ice cold after eight long years. Because Josh, who’d broken Finn’s heart on the orders of his asshole father, had apparently been reduced to waiting tables. While Finn, who hadn’t been good enough for the great Newton clan, had made his name in the world. He was somebody now. He had a career, money, a reputation. He had fans. Finn was riding high and the Newtons were on their knees. He should have been fuckin’ dancing.
“Hey.” The sharp voice was Sean’s.
Finn curled his fingers, braced himself, and turned to face his brother. Casting a warning look toward Lexa and Ali who preceded Sean along the street, Finn made a play of looking more hungover than he was. He knew how to handle this kind of attention. Sean didn’t, but, to his credit, he let Finn deal with it.
“Hope I didn’t offend your friend back there,” he said as Lexa handed him his coffee. “Wasn’t feeling too good.”
She looked blank. “You mean Newt? Don’t worry about him, he’s cool.”
Newt?
“He didn’t even know who you were until we told him,” Ali assured him with a grin. “Sorry.”
“That’s okay.” Finn took a sip of coffee to keep from having to look at anyone. He wished he had his sunglasses, but it was too overcast to wear them without looking like a total douche. “Most people don’t know who I am.”
Although, of course, Josh (Newt, now?) did and Finn wondered what it meant that he hadn’t told anyone about their...thing. Perhaps it didn’t mean anything to him, either.
Except, who the fuck was he kidding? Josh could barely look him in the eye.
He took another sip and said, “Well, thanks for the door-to-door service, girls. We, ah, we gotta go. Right, Sean?”
“Sure. We gotta go.”
Hopefully Finn was the only one who heard the bitchiness in his brother’s voice.
After a couple more minutes (and a selfie) they extricated themselves from Lexa and Ali, and then they were in the car and driving. Finn started a silent count to ten and Sean chimed in at seven with “So enlighten me—What the hell was that?”
Finn didn’t even know where to start.
“I mean, seriously?” Sean said. “Are you that much of a diva these days that you just cut people dead like that?”
“I told you. My head—”
“Bullshit.”
Finn sighed. “Okay, fine. I kinda vaguely know the guy, okay? And I didn’t want to get into a thing. People can be weird if they think they know you.”
“You know Joshua Newton?”
He glared out the window. “I spent that summer here, remember? Working on his dad’s cars.”
“Right,” Sean said. “Huh. I’d forgotten that. He didn’t mention knowing you, though.”
“Probably doesn’t remember, then. The Newtons always did have their heads up their asses.”
There was a pause before Sean said, “I don’t think Joshua’s like that. Lexa says he’s a music tutor—teaches kids privately and up at the school. He seems like a straight-up nice guy. Better than the rest of his family.”
Finn didn’t answer, ignored the slight tug in his chest at the thought of Josh teaching kids music—But no, he wasn’t interested. Maybe Josh was a nice guy, maybe he was great with kids and puppies, but Finn had trusted him like he’d never trusted anyone and when things had gotten tough Josh had hung Finn out to dry. He couldn’t forgive him for that, for giving up on them so easily. For being so damn weak.
No. He wanted nothing more to do with Joshua Newton. He’d learned his lesson eight years ago and he wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.
Chapter Six
In a town as small as New Milton, it was impossible to avoid Finn. Even when you were trying really hard. And Joshua was trying. Really hard.
Luckily, his shifts at Dee’s were already limited as fall set in for real and he was more than happy for Ali or Lexa to take any extra work that might be available. Although they needed the money, he suspected it was the hope of frequent visits by the Callaghan brothers that was the real incentive.
Sean did, in fact, visit quite often. Finn less so, and rarely when Joshua was working. It hurt that Finn was avoiding him so deliberately, that he obviously couldn’t stand to be around him. Unlike Joshua, Finn had no reason to feel ashamed of how things had ended between them, which meant his avoidance had a different root. One that Joshua found difficult to bear.
He’d always known that he’d hurt Finn that terrible day. He’d seen the devastation in his face and it had torn his heart out, but he’d always consoled himself with the idea that the brunt of the consequences had fallen on himself. Finn had gone on to fame and fortune, his star had risen high and bright, while Joshua’s had sunk without a trace. He’d taken comfort in that, in the idea that Finn hadn’t suffered any long-term harm because of Joshua’s mistake. But now he realized it wasn’t true. Despite achieving all his dreams, Finn hadn’t forgiven him and everything between them remained dead. That spoke of lasting damage, of enduring resentment, and it twisted the guilt and regret in the pit of Joshua’s stomach a notch tighter every day.
He tried to distract himself from it by keeping busy. After his futile attempt to contact Finn in LA, he’d drifted from job to job and town to town for several years—mostly teaching music in schools or privately. He’d returned to New Milton just over two summers ago, drawn by the futile hope that returning home might ease his restless longing, and had swiftly been roped into helping organize the Thanksgiving pageant at New Milton’s elementary school. That had led to his current role as part-time music teacher and so, at this time of year, his hands were once again full rehearsing the children. He enjoyed their enthusiasm, the relish with which they played and sang. It reminded him of some distant version of himself, of how he was before his mother had died and he’d been sent away to boarding school. He spent more time than necessary at the school, and Liz was grateful for his help. He was just grateful not to be glancing out the window every five minutes in anxious anticipation of Finn showing up for a coffee; he could relax at the school in a way he couldn’t at Dee’s.
But even though Finn mostly avoided the coffee shop, Joshua couldn’t get away from talk about him there. Lexa and Ali were both smitten, enjoying their mutual crush without too much apparent jealousy. Joshua didn’t think either of them were really Finn’s type, but from their gleeful descriptions of nights at the Rock House Finn was certainly enjoying their company. It made Joshua feel uncomfortable, and not because he was envious. Well, not just that. The thing was, he knew how deeply Finn longed for a committed relationship, had been searching for one ever since his disrupted childhood.
“Hey,” Lexa said one afternoon, all but pouncing on Joshua when he showed up for his third shift of the week. “You never told us you knew Finn before he was famous!”
Joshua stopped dead in the doorway. “I—What?”
“Yeah, you’ve been holding out on us,” Ali complained from where she was restocking the baked goods. “Sean said Finn worked here one summer, and you knew him.”
He had no idea how to respond.
“Do you remember?” Lexa pressed. “Finn said you probably didn’t remember him because—”
“Lexa!” Ali threw a dishcloth at her.
Joshua’s heartbeat ratcheted up a notch, although he wasn’t sure whether it was in fear or hope. “What? Did Finn say something about me?”
Ali and Lexa exchanged a look. “It was nothing,” Ali said. “Just stupid. About your family.”
“O
h.” His stomach knotted as he turned to hang up his jacket and put on his black apron. “Well, I’m sure I’ve heard worse.”
An awkward silence fell, two sets of eyes boring into his back.
“He said you probably didn’t remember him because the Newtons were always ‘stuck-up A-holes’ and he’d just been a ‘grease monkey’ back then, but that it didn’t matter because he’d hardly recognized you either—because you’ve changed so much, or whatever.” Lexa blurted it all in a rush and then turned to Ali with a defiant stare. “What? He wanted to know. Right, Newt?”
“It’s fine,” he said and had to swallow a couple times to keep the roughness out of his voice. He refused to betray anything about how much that hurt. “It’s no big deal. I didn’t even remember him, so...”
After a pause, Lexa said, “But if you think back, can you remember him?”
He fixed her with a look, the kind he used on kids who hadn’t been practicing. “No.”
She ducked her head and carried on wiping down the tables. But under her breath, she said, “I bet he was super-hot back then, though.”
Joshua thought, You have no idea.
* * *
After some deliberation, he opted for the blue shirt and his old leather jacket for the barbecue. He owed it to Sean to make an effort, and since Finn apparently thought he’d changed beyond recognition he didn’t see the point in worrying about his opinion. Finn wouldn’t care what he wore.
Turning into the driveway of Hanworth Hall as a guest felt strange, to see it filled with cars and the house lights blazing made him ache with regret. He parked as far away as possible and sat in the car for a few minutes, watching. There was music, laughter and the chatter of voices coming from behind the house, from the garden that swept down toward the cliffs. How long had it been since the house had been so full of life? Years. Decades, perhaps.
He spotted Dee’s car, and Don’s. Liz Howard’s too, and a couple of cars he recognized from the school. Basically half of New Milton had been invited and he wondered if he could get away with backing out. Would anyone notice if he was missing?
Probably not. Well, Sean might. But that wasn’t really the point, was it? Sean and Tejana—and to some extent Finn—were part of the community now. He couldn’t ignore that. He had to face it head-on and the more he saw of Finn the easier it was going to get. For both of them.
So he picked up the gift he’d brought as a housewarming present and made himself walk across the gravel. There was a sign on the front door directing people around to the back of the house, and he emerged into a world of casual marquees and little white lights, of the delicious aroma of barbecue and the warm laughter of a very relaxed party.
In the dusky twilight the fall air was warmed by patio heaters, and the French doors stood open into what his father had called the summer room. It looked nothing like the austere house he’d grown up in and his lingering regret intensified until it caught in his throat. This was how his mother would have lived, this was how things should have been...
Hovering on the edge of the crowd, he pushed back against a pang of loss. He didn’t miss a thing about his father’s house, but this vision of what his home could have been affected him more than he’d expected. Warm and beautiful and inviting, it was everything his father’s heavy hand had crushed out of his life.
Letting his gaze drift over the people, most of whom he knew, he spotted Sean manning the grill next to a woman who could only be Tejana. Tall and elegant with long black hair, she was exactly the kind of wife he’d pictured for Sean. They looked very happy.
On the far side of the lawn, a blocky shadow drew his eyes—the garage, the place where he’d first met Finn. The windows were dark and Joshua looked away quickly. No point in thinking about that, not tonight.
A cool breeze riffled through his hair and he shivered, pulling his jacket tighter. Movement on his right drew his attention, down near the fence where the garden met the cliffs. Finn stood there, turning away like he was avoiding catching Joshua’s eye.
His heart thumped and he couldn’t help watching as Finn walked into the crowd. He still moved with purpose, confidence in every gesture—the way he clapped people on the shoulder as he passed, the ready smile, the unaffected ease. It was the Finn Callaghan he’d always presented to the world, the one that probably served him well in LA.
But Joshua had known a different kind of man: loving, tender, loyal to a fault but wary about bringing anyone new into that lucky circle of people he called family. Perhaps it was fanciful to imagine he could still see that man—that only he could see him—but Joshua couldn’t help thinking that Finn was playing a role. His guard was up; he wasn’t the carefree young man Joshua had known eight years ago.
Perhaps Joshua wasn’t the only one who’d changed beyond recognition.
As he watched, Finn gave Tejana an affectionate hug and said something to Sean. Joshua lost track of him then, because Sean started waving. “Joshua!” He headed through the crowd toward him. “You made it.”
If Joshua had wanted his presence announced to the whole town, then this would have been the way to go about it. He could feel eyes on him as he walked forward—no doubt all waiting to see how he reacted to being “home” under these circumstances.
Sean offered a hand and when Joshua shook it Sean pulled him into a brief hug. Patting his back, he said, “Good to see you, man.”
Once again helpless against Sean’s smile, Joshua held out his gift. “This is for you and Tejana.”
Sean’s eyes widened. “What? No, you didn’t need to.”
“I know. I wanted to.” He watched as Sean opened the gift bag. Inside was a framed photo of the house as it had been right after its construction in the back end of the nineteenth century. “That’s Reiner Bauer, the original owner, out front,” he said. “He was something of a recluse. Made his fortune in publishing and built this place when he retired.”
“That’s...” Sean grinned at him. “That’s so awesome. I love stuff like this. Tejana does too.”
Joshua smiled. “I’m glad.”
“Now come and have a drink, and let me introduce you to my wife.”
Tejana was as sweet and open as Sean, and she looked genuinely delighted with Joshua’s gift. Thank goodness. He didn’t want anyone to think there were hard feelings, even if the nature of the house’s sale had been embarrassing—for his father, mostly, but Joshua knew that the whole family had been tainted.
For most of the party he managed to avoid Finn and tried not to watch too intently as he flirted with the young women flocking around him. Ali and Lexa were in there, front and center. So was Kylee Adams, and even Liz Howard.
Liz, he thought, had the best chance. Closer to Finn’s age, she was serious in a way Joshua knew he appreciated deep down. He watched them talking, saw Liz showing Finn pictures of Matt, and tried to quash the hollow yearning in his chest.
Toward the end of the evening he found himself sitting with Dee and Kylee Adams, around one of the patio heaters. The air was chilled, but the heater made the night bearable—the couple of beers he’d downed helped too. Sean and Tejana were sharing the love seat opposite and when Finn returned from walking Liz to her car Sean waved him over. “Dude, come and sit. I got a beer with your name on it.”
“Sure—” Finn stopped when he noticed Joshua, clocking the fact that the only spare seat was next to him.
Joshua stilled, torn between getting up to leave and refusing to pander to Finn’s sulk. After eight years they should at least be able to act like adults.
“Great,” Finn said and without looking at Joshua he took the beer from Sean and the only spare seat. “We having fun?” he asked everyone.
Kylee launched herself at him right away and Finn looked pretty happy about that, turning his back on Joshua. They hadn’t been this physically close since Finn came to town and Joshua could feel i
t, his whole body yearned toward Finn’s. He breathed lightly; he didn’t want to catch the scent of Finn’s shampoo or cologne or anything that might make him remember.
Kylee came on pretty strong, but Finn took it in his stride. He was charming and warm and, although he was sitting only inches away, Joshua felt like they’d never been more distant. Everyone else in New Milton was getting to know Finn Callaghan; Joshua was the only one who couldn’t. They would always be strangers now.
Something huge and empty swelled in his chest and he had to suppress a scream of frustration. He downed the rest of the beer instead, but it did nothing to ease his distress.
He made himself wait an agonizing few minutes, long enough that it didn’t look like he was running away. When Finn and Kylee were deep in a heated discussion of the relative merits of various Star Wars movies, Joshua got to his feet.
“I’m gonna get going,” he said, setting down his empty beer. “Early start tomorrow.” Not strictly true, but an easy excuse and Joshua felt tender enough to warrant a little white lie. Besides, he’d probably go out for an early run.
“Hey, man.” Sean got to his feet and drew Joshua into another hug. “Thanks for coming.”
“I’m glad I did. It’s good to see the place like this—so full of happiness.”
Sean smiled, broad and genuine. “Dude,” he said, tipsy and emotional. “That’s—Yeah. Thank you.”
Joshua felt churned up too, a little choked—the beers weren’t helping.
Tejana came to their rescue. “You’re a sweetheart, Joshua,” she said, reaching up to kiss him on the cheek. “And if you ever want to come up here, hang out... You know, feel free. It’s a lot of house for two people.”
“Yeah,” Sean said earnestly. “Yes. Anytime. We mean it.”
“Thank you.” Joshua didn’t bother telling them that this was only the second time he’d set foot in the house since his father cut him off a year after Finn left; that was too much to explain. “I’ll see you soon, Sean. Tejana.”
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