Finn flushed, shuffling his feet, and Joshua couldn’t keep from laughing at the ridiculous situation. “Right,” he said, changing the subject before anyone realized he still hadn’t answered the question. “So, um, I guess it’s my turn?” He turned to Ali. “Truth or Dare?”
She snorted. “Can’t top your truth, Newt, so I’d better go for dare!”
He dared her to keep her hand in Sean’s back pocket for the next five minutes and used the ensuing chaos to escape to the kitchen. The dark picture window reflected the room back to him. Walking closer he rested his forehead against the cold glass and peered out into the night.
It wasn’t every day he accidentally came out to a room full of people without intending to be in the closet in the first place. It might have been funny if it hadn’t been so pathetic. He’d never tried to hide his sexuality after his father cut him off, but apparently he’d shut himself away so effectively that no one knew even the most basic thing about him.
He let out a breath and watched it fog the glass. Through it, the snow glowed in the reflected kitchen light and beyond the garden stretched the vast black ocean. He toyed with the idea of walking out onto the cliff to watch the stars, but it was too cold and—
“Josh?”
He jumped at the sound of Finn’s voice. Turning around, he pressed a palm against the icy window behind him. Finn hovered in the doorway and glanced over his shoulder before taking a few steps into the kitchen. He fiddled with a knife sitting next to a half-eaten pumpkin pie on the table. “You, um, you okay?”
Although touched by Finn’s concern he tried not to take it to heart. “I’m fine. Just—kinda embarrassed no one knew. Guess my life really is that boring.”
Finn gave a distracted nod and took another step closer. “I didn’t know your dad threw you out.”
“No. Well, how would you?”
“When—?” Finn frowned at the table, tapped the knife to set it spinning. “I mean, when did it happen?”
“Does it matter? It was inevitable.”
Finn glanced at him and away. “Fuck, Josh,” he said in a raw voice. “Why’d you ever listen to that bastard?”
“Because—”
“There you are!” Liz giggled as she slipped into the room, unsteady on her feet. She wound her arms around Finn’s waist. “Was looking for you, babe.”
Joshua turned away, but in the night-black window he could still see their reflections as Finn put his arm around Liz’s back. “Maybe it’s time we got you to bed, huh?”
“Only if you’re coming too.”
Liz grinned and Joshua closed his eyes, telling himself it was all happening for a reason: meeting Finn again, seeing him with Liz, putting to rest eight years of hopeless dreaming.
There’s no going back, Joshua. There’s never any going back.
Finn sighed. “C’mon, Liz, you need to—”
“Uh-uh. I need my coat.”
“What? You’re not driving.”
She laughed again. “Stupid. We’re going to the beach!”
“I don’t think so.”
“C’mon, Ali dared me to paddle barefoot!”
Joshua turned away from the window. “Liz, it’s literally freezing out.”
“Then it’s a good thing I’m smokin’ hot.” She twitched a drunken eyebrow at Finn. “Right, babe?”
“Right, but—”
“Uh-uh.” She stopped his words with a finger to his lips. “No buts, Finn Callaghan. You know me, I don’t take no for an answer.” Pushing away from him, she disappeared into the living room.
Finn watched her go with a frown. “Guess I’d better go with her, make sure she’s okay.”
What Joshua wanted to do was go home, but everyone was so drunk he wasn’t comfortable letting them walk down to the beach unescorted. The path was steep, with a scramble over the rocks at the bottom—it wasn’t safe. So he tagged along behind them as Liz led the way out into the freezing night. Sean and Tejana stayed at the house to mind Matt, who was asleep in one of the guest rooms, while Dee dozed on the sofa.
The night was bitter, but at least it was bright. A huge moon hung over the water, blanching everything silver as Liz, Ali and Lexa laughed and jostled their way down the path. The cold, Joshua hoped, might sober them up—hopefully before Liz got frostbite in her toes.
“I really think this is a bad idea,” he called as they clambered across the rocks.
“Come on, Newt,” Liz yelled over her shoulder, “live a little! Whoo!” The moonlight caught her dark hair where she stood on the rocks, transforming her into something wild and beautiful. In that moment, Joshua understood what Finn saw in her free spirit and it gutted him that she was everything he could never be.
Jumping onto the sand, Liz ran toward the dark ocean, Ali and Lexa on her heels. Finn cursed sotto voce as he stomped after them. “Hold up!” he shouted. “Liz, wait up!”
Clambering down from the wet rocks, Joshua followed them to the water’s edge. The view was breathtaking: moonlight limned the black waves in silver, golden light spilling from the homes around the bay, and the starry sky glittering. He glanced along the beach toward the gap in the dunes at the end of Sandy Lane. He could walk home from here in ten minutes. He could be inside where it was warm and safe, far from Finn and Liz. His chest ached with sudden longing, eyes prickling in the freezing air. He wanted to be home so badly. He wanted Finn to be with him even more. Stupid fool.
Liz screeched as she pulled off her boots and danced barefoot on the freezing sand.
“Liz,” Finn complained, “this is a dumb idea. Ali—find another dare, this isn’t—”
“I’m doing it!” Liz laughed and darted away from them into the white foam on the foreshore. “Crap, crap, crap!” she squealed as her feet hit the water. “Fucking fuck, it’s cold!”
Everyone laughed. Even Finn gave a grim smile as he huddled into his coat, turning away from the bitter onshore wind.
“Liz, get outa there!” Joshua called, and he didn’t care that he sounded like a killjoy. “C’mon, you’ll make yourself sick.”
“No, no! Oh fuck!” She laughed. “Okay, I’m gonna jump a wave. It’s not that cold!”
“Liz, no!” Finn snapped the words, barked them like a command.
She spun around and stared at him for a beat. “I don’t do ‘no,’” she said, then set her jaw and took another step further out. “I’m gonna jump one wave. Crap, I can’t feel my toes!”
She staggered under the impact of the next wave even though the water only reached her knees, obviously alcohol impaired. The wave after that rolled in stronger; it swept up around her thighs, knocking her back a step and soaking the bottom of her heavy coat. Joshua’s stomach twisted anxiously as he retreated up the beach away from the frothing water. “This is stupid,” he muttered and saw an answering grimace on Finn’s face. “Liz, you’re too deep!”
“He’s right,” Lexa yelled. “You’ve won the dare, come back in!”
“No, fuck it, I’m doing this!” Liz shouted back, laughing and struggling to hold her coat out of the water as the next wave bowled toward her. “On three... One, two—”
With a triumphant yell, she jumped...
But something went wrong. She stumbled as she landed, her sodden coat dragging in the water. Windmilling her arms, she lurched backwards but couldn’t find her balance and with a shriek she went down. Under. The next wave rolled right over the place where she’d been standing.
Joshua’s heart pounded hard, his whole body freezing in panic. For a terrible, endless moment everyone stood staring, waiting for her to get up.
But she didn’t.
She didn’t get up.
And then Finn yelled “Liz!” and bolted into the water, falling to his knees as he reached her.
Ali screamed, Lexa cursed, and Joshua pushed past them both
to reach Finn. The cold water hit like a punch, stealing his breath as it swirled up around his knees. Finn had dragged Liz’s head out of the water, dark blood blooming across her face, but they had to get her onto the beach. “Finn.” Joshua shook his shoulder. “Come on, move.”
Finn nodded, dazed, and between them they dragged Liz up onto the sand. Finn put his hand to her mouth. “She’s breathing,” he said, voice shaky. “Thank fuck.” Finn started peeling her sopping coat off and Joshua unzipped his jacket, handing it to Finn to wrap around her.
“We need an ambulance.” Joshua’s teeth clattered together. “Someone call an ambulance.”
Finn pulled out his phone and cursed. “No signal.” He jerked to his feet, looked up at Sean’s house. “I’ll go—”
“Wait!” Joshua grabbed his arm. “Lexa,” he said, “you can get a signal at the bottom of Sandy Lane. It’s closer. You know the way in the dark?”
She bolted along the beach, yelling, “I got it!”
“Oh God, it’s my fault,” Ali sobbed. “It’s all my fault.”
Joshua put an arm around her. “It’s not,” he said, his gaze fixed on Finn who knelt in the wet sand holding Liz close. His arms were wrapped around Joshua’s jacket, Liz’s head lolling against his chest.
Hardly the time for envy, but it intruded anyway. Stupidly, selfishly Joshua saw the devastation on Finn’s face and wished it was for him. It never would be, though, and he made himself think of Matt, asleep in Sean’s house, to quell his unworthy thoughts.
“Ali,” he said. “Can you get back to Sean’s on your own? Tell him what happened and to bring blankets.”
She nodded and wiped her eyes, gaze lingering on Finn. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered, but Finn didn’t even look up.
Joshua squeezed her arm. “Go on. Fetch Sean.”
Once she was heading back to the house, Joshua crouched down next to Finn. “Any change?”
Finn shook his head. “God, Josh...” He sounded broken, looked up at last with horrified eyes. “How am I gonna tell her kid?”
“She’ll be okay.” He swallowed his own distress, focused on Finn’s. “The ambulance will be here soon—it’ll come right onto the beach. It’s what they do in the summer, if a surfer gets hurt.”
“It’s my fault,” Finn said, as if he hadn’t heard a word. “She was trying to—Fuck.”
Impress me, were the words he didn’t say. Joshua didn’t fill in the blanks. “Listen to me—it’s not your fault.” He resisted the urge to reach out, to offer physical comfort. His wasn’t the touch Finn wanted.
It felt like they were alone on that beach forever, Finn cradling Liz close, his eyes shut and face pained, and Joshua crouching beside him shivering so hard his bones rattled. But at last he saw lights coming from Sandy Lane, a blue bar on the roof of a four-by-four flashing as the headlights threw everything into dancing shadows.
“They’re here,” he said, touching Finn’s shoulder to rouse him.
Then he heard a shout from behind them and Sean and Ali came running across the sand. Sean had blankets in his arms.
“Oh my God, Finn!” He looked stricken when he saw Liz, but by then the paramedics were spilling out of the ambulance and taking control. Lexa was with them.
Someone pulled Joshua to his feet and wrapped a blanket around his shoulders. “You’re freezing, man,” Sean said, keeping a hand on Joshua’s arm.
He just nodded because his teeth were chattering so hard, and watched the paramedics wrap Liz in foil blankets and check her eyes and head, calling out words he didn’t understand. Once they got her onto a backboard, Finn followed as they lifted her into the ambulance. “Can I go with her?” he said, voice shivery with cold.
“Are you family, sir?”
“I—”
“He’s her boyfriend,” Ali called out.
Lexa added, “They’re practically engaged.”
“Okay.” The paramedic eyed Finn, wrapped a foil blanket around him too and said, “In you get, Romeo.” She glanced at Sean. “We’re taking her to St. Theresa’s.”
“Thank you,” he said, running a hand through his hair. “Finn—we’ll be right behind you.”
From the back of the ambulance, Finn nodded but said nothing. For an instant his gaze lingered on Joshua, and then the doors shut and the ambulance crawled its way back along the beach.
“Shit,” Sean breathed into the night.
* * *
Chaos broke out once they reached Sean’s house. Ali crumpled into tears, blaming herself, while Dee tried to console her even as she swore them all off alcohol forever—much to Lexa’s distress. Sean and Tejana were mortified that this had happened at their party, and everyone wanted to go to the hospital.
But Joshua was the only one sober enough to drive, even if he couldn’t stop shaking, and they couldn’t all fit into his car—plus, Matt was asleep upstairs. The dilemma was resolved when Finn called. Joshua could only hear one end of the conversation, but it was clear that Liz was stable, but not conscious, and that Finn needed to come home and change his wet clothes.
Sean said, “I can’t, man, I’m way over the limit.” He looked at Joshua. “Yeah, he’s still here. Hang on, I’ll ask.”
“Of course,” Joshua said, before Sean could speak. “I’ll get him.” He felt an inappropriate pulse of pleasure that Finn had asked him for the favor. But his shoes were sodden, his jeans soaked right up past the knees. “I’ll just stop home and change first, if that’s okay?”
Sean relayed the message and then said, “Finn wants you to take my car. He says the roads are slick”—he rolled his eyes—“and you have crappy tires.”
There was a fifty-fifty chance Joshua’s car wouldn’t start anyway, and this was no time for false pride. He took Sean’s keys.
An hour later, he was pulling into the snowy parking lot of St. Theresa’s and gingerly parking Sean’s expensive car. He crunched over the snow to the sliding doors that swooshed open and welcomed him in with a blast of warm, clinical air.
On Christmas night, the small ER was almost empty and he spotted Finn immediately, sitting with elbows on knees and a foil blanket scrunched up on the chair next to him. Under the harsh fluorescent light, Finn’s face showed every one of the years that stood between them. He was pale beneath his tan, fine lines creasing the corners of his eyes and his knuckles blanched where his fingers clenched together.
The doors slid shut and Finn looked up. Across the empty room their eyes met and Finn lurched to his feet like a puppet having its strings jerked. “Hey,” he said, running a hand through his hair. “Thanks for coming to get me.”
“Of course. How’s Liz? Any news?”
Finn shook his head. “It’s a subdural... I can’t remember the name. She hit her head—must have been a rock under the water—and there’s swelling on the brain. They’re gonna have to—” His voice cracked and he stopped talking.
“I’m sorry.” Torn between wanting to go to him and wanting to look away so he couldn’t see how much Finn cared for someone else, Joshua did neither. “But she’s in the right place.”
Finn nodded and kept his eyes fixed on the floor.
“Are you...?” Joshua glanced around, but there were no staff. “Are you ready to go? I can wait, if you need to stay.”
“No, I’m good. Her folks are with her and they’ll only let family back there.” Finn cleared his throat. “Better get it over with, anyway.”
What that meant, Joshua wasn’t sure—the drive home together? “I brought Sean’s car,” he said, in case Finn was worrying about his crappy tires in the snow. “But the roads aren’t so bad.”
A confusing flicker of a smile touched Finn’s lips as they headed for the door. “Surprised your rust bucket even runs in this weather,” he said. “You should drive one of your old man’s cars.”
“They aren’t
his cars anymore,” Joshua pointed out, shivering as they stepped into the cold. He still hadn’t fully warmed up from his dip in the sea. “Besides, I haven’t taken a penny from him since he threw me out and I don’t plan on starting.” Finn fixed him with a steady look, but said nothing, and Joshua nodded towards the far side of the parking lot. “We’re over there.”
They drove back in silence. Finn stared out the passenger window and Joshua spared him a couple of looks, but didn’t try to make him speak. Whatever they might have to say to each other, this wasn’t the time.
But as they turned off the highway into New Milton, Finn looked over at him. “Thanks for keeping it together on the beach, Josh. I was—Don’t know what I’d have done without you.”
“Of course.” Joshua swallowed and tried to keep his heart from racing too fast. The warmth in Finn’s voice felt like heat against his skin.
“When I saw her go under, I just—” He blew out a shaky breath. “Christ.”
The lights on Main Street turned red and Joshua stopped, the town silent and empty around them. “Are Liz’s parents going to collect Matt?”
“Yeah, in the morning. He can stay with me and Sean tonight.”
“Matt’s a sensible boy.” Joshua hesitated, then plowed on. “But if you like, I could tell him what’s happened? I know him pretty well.”
A flash of relief crossed Finn’s face, gone in an instant as he frowned down at his hands. “No, I should do it. It’s on me.”
Joshua wasn’t sure whether Lexa had been exaggerating when she told the paramedic that Finn and Liz were practically engaged, but Finn was certainly taking his responsibility to her son seriously. It hurt, but in a good way; Finn was still the caring man he’d always been. Joshua’s betrayal hadn’t broken that, at least.
Once they were through the town, it only took a few minutes to reach Hanworth Hall. Pulling into the driveway, Joshua came to a stop right in front of the house. He killed the engine and the silence between them suddenly felt obtrusive.
Finn didn’t make any effort to get out of the car, he just sat staring through the windshield with his hands in his lap. Joshua pulled the keys from the ignition, undid his seat belt, and searched for something to say. He came up wanting. Finn’s distress and Liz’s injury superseded all his petty feelings of loss and envy. He was about to tell Finn to go inside when Finn crumpled. He just folded forward, head sinking into his hands. “God, Josh, how do I do it? How do I tell Matt that I did this to his mom?”
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