“So,” Tejana said eventually, “what do you make of Liz’s whirlwind romance?”
Joshua flushed, heat rising in his cheeks. Finn was right there. “Well, it’s certainly sudden. I hope—I think it must be confusing for Matt.”
Tejana grimaced. “Yeah, poor kid. But people do crazy things for love.”
“I guess.”
“You don’t approve?”
He gave an uncomfortable shrug. “It’s not that I don’t approve, I just feel you should think about the people around you before you jump into that kind of thing with both feet. You have to think about the consequences.”
“You’re probably right, but that’s not as romantic, is it?”
“Isn’t it? I think it’s romantic when love is about more than seizing the day, when it’s about everything in two people’s lives coming together. That’s not something you rush into on a whim.”
She put a hand on his arm, squeezed. “But sometimes, if you don’t seize the day, you might miss it.”
“Then it’s not love.” That much he knew for sure. “Love doesn’t vanish just because you missed your slot. It’s not conditional on time and place. It...it stays.” He gave a rueful smile. “Whether it’s wanted or not, sometimes.”
From over by the piano there came a soft noise. Finn had dropped something and was bending down to pick it up. Tejana glanced at him, and then looked back at Joshua. “Then I take it back,” she said. “You can’t get much more romantic than undying love.”
“I guess.” He huffed out a laugh. “But I’m hardly an expert. Maybe Liz has it right? At least she’s happy.”
“And you’re not?”
“I’m trying. Endeavoring to be a little more like her, I guess? Carpe diem and all that.”
Tejana hugged him. “Don’t change. I like you just the way you are. Everyone does.”
From the other side of the room, Michael’s voice cut into the gentle moment. “You’re all welcome, of course. It’s just a small gathering—family, friends, and so on. Anytime from eight.”
Joshua cringed as Tejana let go and exchanged a curious glance with Sean.
“Michael’s invited us to a party for his father’s, uh, return,” he said.
Her eyebrows shot up. “Oh.” An awkward beat, then, “Well, we’ll check our schedules and let you know.”
Joshua felt a flash of emotion somewhere between mortification and hilarity. Michael’s party for their crook of a father was the last place on earth any decent person would want to be. Had his brother possessed a single decent bone in his body, he might have understood that.
“Finn?” Sean said. “We should probably get going.”
Perched on the piano stall, head bowed like he was looking at his phone, Finn looked up with a start. “Huh?”
“Are you...?” Sean’s mouth pinched into a tight line. “Did you need to talk to Joshua?”
Finn shook his head. “We’re good.” But he gave Joshua a look as he got up—such a look, it stopped his heart.
“Fine.” Sean sounded exasperated as he extended a hand to Michael. “Well, good to see you.”
Michael made some response that Joshua didn’t hear. His attention was fixed on Finn, who fiddled with the music on the piano before heading over to join Sean. He didn’t look at Joshua again, just put on his coat and made his own goodbyes.
“We’ll see you soon,” Sean called to Joshua, and Tejana blew him a kiss.
And then they were gone and Michael turned to Isabelle with a sigh. “Well, I imagine we made their day—I hope you don’t mind me inviting them?”
Joshua winced at his arrogance and drifted over to the piano to escape the conversation. He’d just sat down when Finn suddenly reappeared. “Sorry,” he said, looking flustered as he barreled into the room. “Forgot my phone.”
Joshua caught Michael’s expression—embarrassed, in case he’d been overheard—and then Finn was at the piano, retrieving his phone from on top of the sheet music. As he did so, he turned over the top page and on the back Joshua saw writing. Finn’s writing. He gave Joshua another serious look, and then strode back across the room to the door without a backward glance.
Heart kicking against his ribs, Joshua reached out an unsteady hand to the music. Perhaps Michael and Isabelle had more to say about Finn, but Joshua didn’t hear. Nothing existed in the world but the note in his hand.
Josh, you’re killing me.
You’re right. I wanted to tell you yesterday—I should have told you months ago, years ago—that you’re right. Love doesn’t burn out just because the timing’s wrong. It stays. Even when you don’t want it to, even when you try to deny it, it stays. It grows. It never leaves.
God knows I resented you, Josh. I tried to forget you, I tried to hurt you, but I never stopped loving you. I’ve never loved anyone but you.
Can you forgive me? You deserve so much more than me, but if there’s any part of you that can still love me then I’m begging you to give us a second chance.
Tell me I haven’t screwed it up forever. Tell me it’s not over, Josh. I love you—let me show you how much.
Joshua bolted to his feet. “I have to go.”
Michael and Isabelle stared at him, frozen midway through letting the maid help them on with their coats.
“Whatever’s the matter?” said Ruth.
He couldn’t smile, he couldn’t explain, he couldn’t do anything until he found Finn. Clutching the music in his hand, he ran to the door and shoved his feet into his boots.
“Mr. Newton,” said the maid, “I’ll fetch your coat—”
“Doesn’t matter.” He hauled open the front door and ran to the elevator, jabbing at the button. It took forever to come—probably because Finn was still on the way down—and Michael and Isabelle had joined him by the time the doors opened.
He had no attention for them, didn’t care whether they were looking at him or exchanging disparaging glances. All he could think about was Finn. He read the note again as the elevator dropped, his stomach swooping right along with it.
I love you—let me show you how much.
But there was so much crap between them now, was love enough?
“I hope you’ll be on your best behavior tomorrow night,” Michael murmured as the doors opened, “I don’t want Dad to...”
Joshua didn’t hear the rest; he was already running past the concierge and through the revolving doors into the snow. It was falling hard, visibility terrible, but good enough that he could see the lights of a cab stopped at the curb and Sean pulling open the door. Tejana and Finn crowded behind him.
“Wait!”
Finn spun around and went still. The world went still. Snowflakes brushed against Joshua’s face, against his lips, as his gaze locked with Finn’s. Behind him, Michael cursed the weather, but he was far away in a different world. Deep down, bone deep, Joshua started trembling. It had nothing to do with the cold. Finn walked toward him, stopping a foot away and blinking through the snow, hands jammed into his pockets and everything about him drawn tight. When he swallowed, Joshua saw his throat work.
“Michael!” Sean called. “You want to share a cab?”
People moved around him but all he could see was Finn watching him from beneath his lashes like he could hardly bear to look.
“Do you...?” Joshua clutched the note in his fingers and Finn’s gaze dipped toward it and back. “Do you want to go for a drive?”
Finn let out a helpless choke of laughter. “In this weather?”
“I’ve got new tires.”
Behind Finn, the cab pulled away from the curb, leaving them as alone as they were ever going to be in New York City. “You—you’ve got snowflakes on your eyelashes,” Finn said, and lifted a hand to brush them away.
Joshua smiled, feeling reckless. Feeling wild. “Come on.” He grabbed Fi
nn’s hand, the touch making his chest tight, and led him down to the garage. “I want to go home.”
Chapter Fifteen
Once they were headed toward the coast, weak winter sunlight broke through the clouds to paint the world in fragile colors.
Finn felt fragile too, like his heart might beat out of his chest.
They were out of the city before Josh started to talk, glancing at Finn with that searching expression that had first captured him. He said, “I thought maybe I’d been an experiment.”
Finn shifted around to see him better. “What?”
“A ‘gay phase.’” He put air quotes around the words.
“Hands on the wheel!” Love of his life or not, Josh was still a terrible driver.
A little frown of irritation formed between Josh’s eyebrows. Finn had always adored it and his stomach fluttered; fuck, he was so gone on Joshua Newton. “I mean,” Josh said, keeping his eyes fixed on the road, “that I wondered whether Ruth was right about you.”
“Your aunt?”
He gave a careless shrug. “She—that summer, she said you’d probably dump me because actors couldn’t afford to be gay.”
“I told you I didn’t care about—”
“Then how come you’re in the closet?”
“I’m not.”
Josh spared him a look. “Come on...”
“I’m not! It’s just... Look, okay, I’m attracted to women too and it’s been easier to date them because—”
“Because you can hide your sexuality.”
“Because,” he said firmly, “they didn’t remind me of you. I thought I was over you, Josh, but I was so wrong—all I’ve done these past eight years is kid myself that you’re not the only person in the world I want.”
That kept Josh quiet for a moment, fingers flexing around the steering wheel. Eventually, in a more subdued voice, he said, “Not being closeted means telling people you’re bi. Does anybody know?”
“Sean knows. And Tejana.”
“Sean knows?”
He squirmed. “For the last couple weeks.”
“Ah.” Silence. Josh changed lanes and pulled down the visor against the low winter sun, waiting for more.
Eventually, Finn folded. “Okay, you’re right. I didn’t tell Sean until after you left town. I knew then—” He fixed his eyes on the road ahead because it was easier than looking at Josh. “Look, that night when Liz got hurt? I couldn’t lie to myself after that, or to Sean or anyone. It was like everything got stripped away and I saw things how they really were: you, me, Liz... I’d been such a fucking ass to you, Josh, but you were still there for me that night. And the idea that I could ever be with Liz when there was a chance I could be with you...? I couldn’t do it.” He shook his head. “But, man, you must have hated me. Don’t lie, I know you did. I’d been a total dick.”
A pause, then, “You gave me gloves because you saw I had cold hands.”
Finn glanced at him. “They’re just things, man.”
“No.” Josh’s voice had a rough edge that made Finn’s heart stutter. “You noticed, Finn. You noticed and that made me feel—” He cleared his throat. “It made me feel a lot.”
“Yeah?” He flexed his fingers and kept himself from putting a hand on Josh’s leg. Aside from not wanting to distract him from driving, he wasn’t sure whether he’d earned the right. “You didn’t say anything—about the gloves.”
“What could I say? I didn’t know what it meant. You were with Liz.”
“Because I’m a fucking idiot.” He blew out a breath. “Tell me the truth. If I’d called you—God, if I’d called you anytime over the last eight years—would you have wanted to try again?”
Josh flashed him an incredulous look. “What do you think?”
Fuck. He closed his eyes, leaned his head back against the seat, fisting his fingers by his side. “Shit, I’m such a moron.”
“I could have contacted you too. I—I tried to once, but you were so angry when you left...” He gave a heavy sigh. “Finn, if you knew how much I regretted what I did. Every single day I’ve regretted listening to Ruth, letting her talk me into it. I thought—I knew my father would never accept that I was gay, but I’d never have ended it if Ruth hadn’t convinced me it was for your own good. I was afraid of holding you back. And I know you don’t understand, but—”
“I do. I didn’t, not for a long time, but I get it now. We were both just kids, man. Neither of us knew what the hell we were doing.”
After a beat, Joshua said, “I think we got some things right.” He darted a shy smile toward Finn. “I think we got some things perfect.”
And, Jesus, that smile. His heart burned and melted all at once. “Yeah,” he said, struggling to keep his voice even. “Yeah, we did.” He had to clear his throat before he added, “I know what it looks like, that I only really dated women after you. But it’s not what you think. It wasn’t—I just didn’t want anything that reminded me of you. Sounds stupid, I guess.” It was stupid. All he’d done was brick up his memories behind a wall that Josh had started pulling down the moment Finn saw him in Dee’s coffee shop.
“It’s not stupid,” Josh said quietly. “I did the same. Except without the women.”
Finn felt a squirm of irrational jealousy and thought about Quinton Jones and his slimy limey face. “Just some casual hookups, huh?”
“No.” Josh grimaced. “The opposite.” He flushed, his sharp cheekbones turning pink. “I haven’t slept with anyone since you.”
“No one?” Staggered, he said, “But what about Quinton?”
“Quinton?”
“Dude, the guy was eye-fucking you live on stage.”
“Well.” Josh shifted in his seat, fingers flexing on the steering wheel. “I thought about it, but I couldn’t. I just—” He glanced back over. “I couldn’t get past you, Finn.”
His mouth was dry, throat tight, but he made himself say, “I couldn’t get past you, either.”
Josh gave a shaky smile and fumbled his right hand toward Finn’s. He gripped it tight, heart skipping as he threaded their fingers together—so achingly familiar, holding his hand—and didn’t even care that Josh was driving one-handed on icy roads. He didn’t let go until they reached New Milton.
They’d lost the sun behind a heavy bank of clouds by the time Josh pulled up outside his little cottage on Sandy Lane. Finn’s bag was in the trunk, but Josh didn’t even have his coat with him. Strange, but this was how Finn remembered him: intense and in the moment. Not reckless like Liz, but oblivious to the world sometimes, caught up in the now. He’d loved that about him then. He loved it about him now.
Josh killed the engine, leaving behind a charged silence. Even the birds were hushed under the threat of snow. Finn didn’t know why Josh wanted to come back here, except that New Milton was where it had all begun. What better place for it to begin again?
“You, uh, got any coffee in there?” Josh hadn’t been back in weeks.
“Probably,” he said. “No milk, though.”
“Coffee’s coffee.”
Josh gave a wary smile, like he might be having second thoughts. Reaching out, Finn brushed his fingertips over Josh’s hand where he fiddled with the car keys in his lap. “C’mon,” he said. “Let’s go inside.”
The cottage was cold. But Josh fired up the heating and the little place warmed up fast, the aroma of brewing coffee doing as much as the woodstove to take the edge off the chill.
“You have to know,” Josh said, pulling a couple of mugs from the cupboard, “that if we—if we give this a shot again, the press will find out. There’ll be consequences.”
“I know.”
“It doesn’t bother you?” Josh kept his back turned, fiddling with mugs and spoons. “All the women you dated... That was safer. It makes sense, given your career.”
&nbs
p; Finn studied him, the way his head tipped forward and his dark hair curled at the back of his neck, behind his ears. It was fucking ridiculous that anyone could object to him loving this beautiful man, but he wasn’t dumb enough to pretend that coming out publicly wouldn’t have consequences. “Thing is, Josh, I don’t care.”
“Finn—”
“It’s true.” He reached out to turn Josh around, but dropped his hand at the last moment. He didn’t want to push. “Look, I’ve been acting for eight years now. And it’s been good. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a blast. But it’s not enough. It’s not enough without you. So if I don’t get work because of other people’s fucked-up prejudice, well, it sucks but I wasn’t kidding when I said fame and fortune don’t mean shit. They don’t. If I have to choose between that and you, then I choose you.” Josh turned his head and Finn caught his eye. “I’ll always choose you, Josh. None of it means anything without you. And that’s the truth.”
“And Liz?” Josh frowned. “Did you feel anything for her, or was she just... I don’t know, camouflage?”
Finn shoved his hands into his pockets. He didn’t want to talk about Liz; he wasn’t proud of what he’d done there. “I liked her,” he said, keeping his eyes fixed on the linoleum floor. “She’s sweet, attractive, fun to be around, but I didn’t... Seeing you again turned me upside down, Josh. It’s not an excuse”—he held up a hand to deflect Josh’s protest—“I know I was reckless. I know I could have hurt Liz. But you gotta understand, I was terrified.” He swallowed, but the emotions were right there in his throat and he couldn’t hold them back. “You have no idea how it hurt when you ended it. And I’m not blaming you, but I was afraid it would happen again because I still...because of how much I still—”
“Finn.” Josh touched his face, cupping his jaw. When Finn looked up, Josh was watching him with such regret it pierced him. “I’m so sorry I hurt you.”
“No, it’s okay.”
“It’s not.” His thumb traced Finn’s cheekbone, brow creasing as he sighed. “I should never have ended it. I didn’t want to.”
Perfect Day Page 18