What Love Means

by F N Manning

  “The dog?” Brendan asked, confused.

  “The planet,” I corrected. Well, it used to be a planet. Being obsessed with a cartoon Disney character seemed way worse than an astronomy hobby.

  “That’s not all,” Cal started.

  “Do you really want to go down this road?” I asked pointedly. He wasn’t someone who could afford to throw stones. Literally, since he was the dork who owned a rock polisher once.

  He fell silent. I felt victorious for a single second before April spoke. “Wait, Calvin? As in Calvin and Hobbes?” Brendan’s eyebrows rose at that and they both considered us while I glared at them. I didn’t know what expression was on Cal’s face because I didn’t want to look at him.

  I made a mental note to check for and burn any pictures of what was once my favorite Halloween. Cal, Calvin back then, got permission to trick or treat with me. I was 10 and had two parents who took hundreds of pictures of me in my orange and black face paint making funny faces and growling like a wild animal. Memories once crystal clear were a blur, but I remembered going to so many houses that my feet hurt and the peanut smell on Cal’s breath as he immediately devoured every Snickers he received. I could faintly recall the elation of being a happy, dopey kid dressed up and arm in arm with my best friend while getting free candy in our joint Calvin and Hobbes costumes.

  “You didn’t just compete.” April’s voice drew me away from the memories. “You were best friends.”

  “That was you?” Brendan gaped at me. “No way.”

  April nodded. “Yeah, he was a total nerd.” I nudged April and she stuck her tongue out at me.

  “Why aren’t you guys friends anymore?” Brendan asked. They both looked at us expectantly for the answer. Neither of us said anything. The moment stretched and became strained.

  “This got awkward,” April said succinctly. “Bye.” She waved at Brendan and Cal with one hand and dragged me away with the other.

  I let myself be lead away, telling myself I should stay away from Cal. Part of me didn’t want to, but I told myself not to be a such a sucker for a pretty face.

  ***

  I worked at Tony’s Auto Shop. Mechanics weren’t good at creative names. While most employees did regular maintenance and repairs, Tony had started taking customization projects and turning his side hobby into a paying business service instead. Tony’s business expansion efforts mattered to me not just because if he did something dumb I’d be out of a job but because he offered me a job doing custom motorcycles after high school.

  He’d work on cars while I’d work on bikes. And why the hell did I need college again? Automobiles weren’t my specialty, but I was hunched over a notebook in the living room anyway after having an idea for his latest project. I worried mom wanted to discuss my education before leaving for her night shift.

  Theresa Keller put her shoes on the floor and her coffee mug on the table while she sat across from me and studied me. I didn’t look up from what I was doing. “When it rains, it pours, huh kiddo?” She sat on our faded red couch in the living room. I shrugged off her confusing question while curled up on the old armchair we got for a steal at the flea market.

  “Shouldn’t you be getting to work?” I asked. I preferred when she worked days. She tried to get me to stay home but she slept soundly, which meant I could sneak out. Sometimes I thought she only took night shifts anymore to guarantee I stayed home. It wasn’t a bad plan. April would soon be old enough to stay at home by herself. The kid was mature, but I just didn’t feel right leaving her alone yet. Shame. After seeing Cal again, I really wanted to go party, meet someone else, and erase all thoughts of the blonde boy’s body from my mind and fill my head with someone new.

  “Whatever, tough guy. April told me who you ran into.” She slipped on her sneakers. “First your dad, then Cal. I’m guessing you weren’t expecting two blasts from the past back to back.”

  My eyes widened while I looked in the direction of April’s room. “Mom, don’t—”

  “Relax, April’s asleep.” She smiled fondly at me. “I’m guessing you haven’t given any thought to meeting with him?”

  Thoughts of Cal were persistent lately. Wondering and worrying about Cal was easier than thinking about dad. It was easy to pretend memories of the past and him leaving were only in my mind since I saw Cal again. Except dad contacted mom a few weeks before the party where I met a cute blonde guy. My father wanted to speak to me, maybe meet up, then see April too and I... I could barely stand to think about reconnecting or whatever.

  Cal was the easier one, the preferable one. He came in such an attractive package, and we were only childhood best friends. Those drifted apart all the time. Dads were supposed to stick around. “I can’t deal with two nightmares from my past at once,” I told mom.

  She laughed at me. “You’re so dramatic. That’s a bright side, huh? You won’t even have to come out to your dad, just say that.”

  “Ugh,” I groaned. “Shut up.” Did I overreact with Cal? Leaving him like that for something that happened years ago when we were both kids. Drinking and denial were better than drudging up the past. This conversation was proof. Shit.

  “I’m just asking,” she said gently. “It’s your decision.” She was using a weird kind tone I didn’t like. Mom typically took the tough love approach with me these days. Her parenting advice normally involved stern words and phrases like ‘stop being a dumbass’ and ‘make smart decisions because I’m not paying for bail.’

  “What would we even talk about?” Dad and I hadn’t had anything in common, something he worried about often. I wasn’t a ‘normal boy’ who’d liked sports and bugs and whatever normal boys were supposed to like. Eventually, he realized spelling was sort of a sport: it was a competition and Nationals aired on ESPN. Then he’d become my coach. Okay, maybe I had some experience with overzealous parental figures who treated the bee like a religion.

  I tried to ignore those thoughts. “Maybe dad and I will just hug and go play catch?” I quipped. Oh god, what if he really did want to play catch? He didn’t hide his disappointment at my inability to play sports very well when I was younger, but I was stronger now.

  Mom thought about it. “Maybe you could guilt him into buying you beer.”

  I laughed. “Tempting.”

  She walked to stand in front of me. “I’ve got to go to work.” She bent down and kissed my forehead. I scowled as she smiled back at me. “Make good decisions, dumbass.” That advice was a little too late.

  Being so attracted to Cal annoyed me. It was too much power to give someone I had a history with. Perhaps I took out my frustrations on him in a stupid way, but if I stranded Cal in his boxers because I was a petty bitch who wanted to take the pretty boy down a few pegs, I could deal with that. But what if he was just an easy target? Getting back at him was easier than finding the strength to tell my dad to fuck off. That made me uncomfortable. Did I owe Cal an apology? Shit.

  I would apologize. Probably. I would try. I couldn’t recall apologizing ever, in recent memory or the past. Even when playing Sorry as a kid. When I sent someone’s piece back to the start, I would say ‘haha, too bad’ or ‘that sucks’ if I felt really bold. Still. It wouldn’t be that hard. Dammit, it would. But I could do it. Probably. I would try.

  Then I’d keep our interactions to a minimum. It was too messy. I didn’t do messy. I didn’t want to spend time with Cal. I repeated that to myself until I almost believed it.

  ə-ˌhō-lē-ˈhō-lē, noun.

  A small silvery fish occurring only in the shallow waters around the Hawaiian Islands

  Max was a mammal, not an əˌhōlēˈhōlē.

  Chapter 4

  A-H-O-L-E-H-O-L-E

  Cal

  I had to see Max again.

  I only caught the barest glimpses of him at the next few spelling club meetings both our siblings attended. I had to straighten things out between us… was that a poor choice of words? Max was a giant loose end. I couldn’t afford another s
crew up. Just when the internship with my father’s company was in reach, it was ripped away. But maybe I was lucky. Lucky there had been something else to take away as my parents already weren’t thrilled I was so enamored with Stanford.

  I had to get this sorted out with Max. I hoped we might be even. I embarrassed Max years ago when I defeated him and now he’d settled the score. It was all water under the bridge now. We could start over, right? And if that meant we could act like nothing happened and I wouldn’t have to worry about him telling anyone about our tryst… well, that was just a pleasant side effect.

  My family may be well off, but we believed in practicality. Our motto was substance before style; style was still important as image was everything, but substance mattered too. No, our motto would probably be ‘Beat Everyone, Win Everything.’ We had a lot of mottos. The point was that I don’t drive a flashy sports car unlike some kids in my grade who were gifted with glitzy vehicles when they turned 16. I owned a modest, dependable Honda Civic. At least it was dark green. I had begged for any color, literally any color except the beige my parents wanted.

  I wasn’t one of those reckless kids with a sports car or a freaking motorcycle, so it was perfectly natural that I would take my vehicle in for an oil change over the weekend. This plan originated when Brendan had somehow found out where Max worked from April at their last club meeting.

  I didn’t ask Brendan to get intel on Max. It was the opposite. Brendan was just bursting with Max facts and was very eager to share them. Max rode a Ducatti motorcycle and worked at a real car shop. It wasn’t difficult to get Brendan talking about Max; the tricky part was getting him to shut up. Wasn’t being a grand master in chess just as exciting? No, apparently. April had the ‘coolest big brother in the world.’ That was just hurtful.

  I walked into the shop. There was light yellow paint on the walls, a coffee pot in the corner, and the faint smell of grease lingered in the air; it seemed like a typical auto shop. There was a big, burly man with long black hair and a square nose behind the counter wearing a tank top and a blue work shirt lightly stained with grease. A patch on his shirt read ‘Tony.’ I told him what I needed and gave him my keys. He treated me with polite disinterest until I asked if Max could work on my car.

  He looked me over and smirked. “Max works on bikes.”

  “It’s an oil change. He can do that, right?”

  “Oh yeah, he can change your oil.” Some guys in the back chuckled at the lewdness in his tone.

  “I don’t even know what that means.” When he opened his mouth, I added, “I don’t want to know.”

  30 minutes later I had paid for the services rendered and went out to get the keys from Max, who would talk to me about whatever up sale they were going to try. All auto shops were the same, right?

  Max looked like his usual self but a little sweaty, which made him look particularly delectable in the afternoon light. I stifled a laugh because his jeans appeared intact, which meant he just wore the torn ones for show. He wore a black tank top and his arms looked positively pornographic, so I banned myself from thinking about them.

  I walked up to him and he spoke without looking at me. “Everything looks good. If anything, I’d say you should drive it more. Never thought I’d say that about a sedan.”

  “It goes to school and the library,” I protested.

  “Saddest sentence I’ve ever heard. Tony said you asked for me?” The light was in his eyes, so he didn’t immediately know who I was. There was a hint of invitation in his voice and an easy smile on his face as he stepped up to me. It disappeared when he recognized me.

  “What the hell are you doing here?”

  “Maybe I’m here to get revenge after you left me half-naked in that classroom.” I’d meant to say something amicable and polite. Oops.

  Fortunately, Max smiled at the reminder of what he did to me. He looked at me and leaned back against my car. The vehicle had never been so attractive as just having him near it made it suddenly interesting. He crossed his arms over his chest but raised an eyebrow at me as if it to say well, get on with it.

  My thoughts left me for a moment as I stared at the muscles in his arms then forced myself to look at his face. He smirked like he knew what I was thinking, and I faltered, not remembering what I’d planned to say. “Did you hear they discovered a new dwarf planet?” I asked and felt my face go hot because of how dumb I sounded.

  He sneered. “I’m really not interested in space since I’m not 10 anymore.”

  The first year we met I was into geology and had received a rock polisher for my birthday. God, I should probably suppress that memory. I liked rocks while Max had liked outer space. He’d been like me: gangly and pale but with darker hair and eyes.

  I nodded. “I’m sure we’ve both changed.”

  “You still have a rock tumbler, don’t you?” he challenged.

  I ignored that. I totally did. “This is a great chance to learn more about each other, catch up.”

  Max sized me up and I tried to stand still under his cool gaze. I was a Winthrop-Scott; I wasn’t intimidated: I did the intimidating. Still, it was difficult with those hazel eyes seemingly taking in every breath I made and apparently finding me wanting. “You’re here to make sure I don’t tell anyone your secret,” he said, sure of himself.

  “It’s not a secret,” I tried.

  “No? If I told that stuck-up spelling bee moderator I’ve had my tongue down your throat, it wouldn’t be big news? Scandalous even?” He raised his eyebrows. “Or maybe he’d just shrug? Give you a high five?”

  I sighed. “Look, don’t act like I’m unreasonable.”

  He wrinkled his nose. “I don’t have to help you be closeted.”

  “I’m not— I never—” I stopped, tried again. “I don’t know, this is new. Are you going to blab before I figure it out because of an old grudge?” It felt like a mistake to say I’d never been interested in a guy before him; it was too much power to give someone I’d angered in the past.

  Did he have any idea what he cost me? Of course not. He probably wouldn’t care if he did. Privately, I had been worried about how I would fit everything into my schedule, but this was no favor. I thought senior year would make things easier; I’d be so close to moving on and the hard work would be over. My plate was full as ever. Then, I hoped the internship would mark the transition from youth to adulthood. Except that wasn’t happening now. I felt stuck. And the worst part? This all highlighted what a terrible idea any association with Max would be. Yet I needed him to keep his mouth shut. And no matter how dumb it was, I couldn’t turn off my attraction to him.

  He considered that. “You never told me why you were here.”

  I guess an oil change wouldn’t be enough of answer. “I wanted to clear the air and be the bigger person and all that.”

  He tilted his head. “You think you’re bigger than me?” His eyes were on my crotch area, oh god.

  “Stop,” I stuttered. “Can’t we put this behind us for our siblings’ sakes?” I hoped that appeal would work better than mentioning my own sake and how I couldn’t afford another mistake.

  “You really think you can do that?” he asked.

  “Of course.” He looked like he didn’t believe me and my frazzled patience broke. “Why would I be mad at you? You only left me practically naked in a school!” Oh god, I hope no one heard that.

  “Payback.” He smiled at me.

  I didn’t bother arguing whether the payback was warranted. “We can be friends,” I suggested. “Let’s just put things behind us. Come on.” I tried to smile dazzlingly but probably looked as unsure as I felt.

  “Sure, yeah. We’ll do that,” he said sarcastically, shoving the keys in my hand and walking away.

  That went well.

  He looked so different from the kid I remembered and not just because of the years; his whole attitude was different. He used to be sweet and shy. And so smart. He read all time, not just about space but about dinosaurs, the
ocean, and ancient civilizations and it seemed like he never forgot any of it. My mother suspected he had a photographic memory. I remember crying about that, thinking it was unfair that he got to take pictures of the words when I didn’t.

  How had my smart, awkward former best friend become that surly guy?

  I hoped it wasn’t because of me.

  ***

  Max

  I slammed the door when I came back into the shop, pissed at Cal for showing up where I worked. What gave him the right? Stupid rich kid thought he could do whatever he wanted and people would let him get away with it. I imagined he was hard to say no to between his name, his money, and the angelic way he appeared.

  I hadn’t even remembered that I wanted to apologize until I already walked away. He riled me up like no one else as just his presence set me on edge. I wasn’t used to anyone having that much power over me, so I kept freaking out around him. Cal said he showed up trying to make peace, but he’d only given me a new worry. The world of awkward book nerds and competitive spelling was vastly different than the world I lived in now and the possibility that those worlds would collide made me tense and angry around Cal.

  “Everything go okay with your last customer?” one of the other mechanics asked when I dropped down into a chair in the break room.

  I eyed him and the others. “Yeah, why? He say something to you?” They acted the same as always, drinking down coffee and scanning the paper or their phones idly.

  “No, you’re just acting like you have your panties in a bunch.”

  I heard a laugh behind me as a hand clapped me on the shoulder. “That’s the problem? He didn’t help you out with that?” my friend Joey asked while sitting next to me. In a bout of temporary insanity, I’d helped him get a job here. I glared at him while he blew me a kiss. A few of the other guys gave us some space. They all knew about my sexuality but didn’t really talk about it.