by F N Manning
When I turned back around, Tony regarded me seriously. “You’re a bright kid, smart. You don’t have to stay here.”
“Aren’t I just going to wind up back here anyway?” I asked rather than touching what he said about me. That might be the worst part aside from the student loan debt. Admitting that I wanted some kind of bright future and coming back here with nothing to show for it would be awful. It was less painful to not even try.
“That’s up to you.”
“I do like this work.” Alright, the maintenance stuff wasn’t especially exciting, and diagnosing car problems was only exciting until the same three things ended up being the issue virtually every time. If I had enough other work, I wouldn’t need to do much of that stuff. Designing and customizing, that was interesting. I liked the idea of people coming to me with crazy ideas and finding ways to make them come true. It was a different kind of mystery to solve, but the answers came in awesome machines with wild horsepower and fanciful colors.
“And you’ll always have a job here if you want one,” Tony offered easily. Then he continued, “You could still try something else.”
I shook my head. “I don’t even know if I can afford it.”
“You don’t have to be a full-time student,” he argued. Had my mom or April coached him?
“What am I even gonna major in?” I gestured with my hands covered in grease to my dirty, blue collar self. “Business, accounting?”
“What about engineering?”
“Wouldn’t I learn more about that here, you know, working with actual engines instead of reading about them in books?”
“First of all, don’t pretend like you know more about engineering courses than I do, which is jack shit.” I snorted but didn’t argue. “Second, if you don’t like engineering, what about something with computers?” I opened my mouth to protest and he raised a hand and kept talking, “And don’t tell me that’s too nerdy. You’re good with technology. You always try to update stuff around here that doesn’t even need damn updating like the time card system that works just fine.”
“I don’t get how you can stay up to date with cars but don’t like other tech.” It was an old argument between us.
“That’s business but otherwise I’m a proud luddite.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“See, told you I read,” he said smugly. He looked around his desk. “Honestly, I don’t know all the possible majors. April gave me a list of ones that might appeal to you. It’s around here somewhere.”
I shook my head. “I don’t need to hear them all.” I rose from my chair. “There’s no way this is really going to happen.”
He sighed and nodded at me. “You’re right.” I felt shocked for a moment, but also stupid for even beginning to think about more, before he continued, “It won’t if you never try.”
I couldn’t out race my thoughts on my way home. Even the rumble of the engine didn’t calm me. I had trouble trusting people. I blamed my dad but that only explained part of it. Maybe I shared responsibility. I thought I’d gotten over it all, but I only built walls and kept people out. I kept shutting things out before considering them. Maybe it was time it to invite someone in.
I acted a lot different than the kid I used to be, but we weren’t that different. All his insecurities and fears were obvious and on the outside. I hid mine, pushed them down, but that was different than them not existing. What was so I scared of? I’d crashed before, literally. Sure, it hurt, but I still got back up.
***
Cal
It was a rare occasion that I had the house to myself. Brendan and April were at someone in their study group’s house, and my parents were at a function. I wish I could say I had exciting plans but reading and going to bed early were the only items on my list. This year involved more stress than I’d imagined for senior year, and I’d already imagined working myself into a fraught nerve ending of worry while waiting for acceptance letters, so a relaxing night in was exactly what I needed. If my thoughts drifted towards Max every so often, no one had to know.
They weren’t pleasant thoughts. Max didn’t need to spell it out anymore. He made it clear this was just a fling. I should put distance between us. I should focus on college and preparing for the future.
I don’t know who I expected when the doorbell rang, but I stared dumbly at Max standing on my doorstep with his hands in his pockets. “What are you doing here?” Apparently, some of the girls from my school had thought he was a stripper when he crashed that party. I could see why. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he got a second job as some kind of stripper-gram. He leaned casually against the door jamb, enticing muscles and sexy body on display while he looked at me with those deep, warm eyes. But who would send me a stripper-gram? Yes, that was the part of that ridiculous train of thought that didn’t make sense. If I provided the music, would he start undressing? I was tempted to start humming just to give him something to work with.
“Had some time to kill,” he answered. Was that really what he was doing, or did he want to see me? I didn’t know which answer would be better or even which answer I wanted.
“My parents could be back any minute,” I pointed out.
“You better hurry up and let me in then,” he drawled, eyes sparkling with mirth. He was sexy and infuriating as ever. Had things changed between us? Had we gotten closer from weeks of messing around? Was I reading into things? I would have asked if I thought I’d get an honest answer.
“You can’t be here,” I said, hoping I sounded reasonable instead of panicked. Send him away, put distance between us. I’d just been thinking that. It seemed impossible now that he was right there.
“Why, they gonna come check on you when they get in?”
“No, but—"
“Good, there’s no problem then.” He stopped waiting for an invitation and walked in. I didn’t scold him as it meant I got to look at his ass in those tight, black jeans.
“Why are you here, Max?” I asked when he turned to face me. He knew where I lived; we hadn’t moved and he’d been here multiple times as a kid. For play dates. God, how things changed.
“Don’t freak out. We’ll just say I’m here for some coach to coach spelling bee talk.” That wasn’t really an answer, was it?
“Is that why you’re here?”
“Nope.” He brought his lips to mine and I didn’t ask any more questions.
Didn’t I want distance? Had I said I needed peace and quiet? Maybe I needed this instead.
I led him to my room and braced for his reaction. It wasn’t fancy and probably looked like a normal teen’s room, if not a bit bigger and cleaner. Maybe because I had a maid. I hope it wasn’t clean enough that he’d be able to tell I had a maid and get all pissy about the rich kid who didn’t clean up after himself. Truthfully, the maid usually didn’t need to tidy up my room. I had my own system for organizing things anyway, but I didn’t need to point out my overly fastidious nature either. My locker at school was just as tidy. God, I was a high school guy and one of my favorite activities was cleaning. Maybe I did need someone like Max around to provide more interesting distractions.
But maybe I liked cleaning for similar reasons as I liked Max. Okay, I doubted anyone described him as clean in quite a while, but tidying up, folding laundry, and inane chores were relaxing. That busywork was one of the few times I could turn my mind off and just relax into the motions.
While my room was dust free and mostly tidy, I used the space to scatter books around. I always pulled out the ones I was currently reading, re-reading or browsing through so that they’d be handy. Aside from the assortment of literary tomes, and maybe a few trashy paperbacks, the room was decorated in cool colors, light blues and neutral beiges, not that the hues did anything for my frazzled personality. Thankfully, I didn’t keep trophies for spelling or mathletes or a host of other embarrassing achievements in my room.
There wasn’t much aside from the books and bed, just a desk and computer along w
ith two chairs and a table with a chess set in one corner. My school uniform hung pressed and ready on the back of the door. Again, that wasn’t the maid. I just liked having what I was going to wear out and ready. It saved time. Even if I took the time to iron the shirt and pants myself because I didn’t trust anyone else to do it right.
Max took it all in without saying anything, then sent me a lazy smile. “I almost still expected a microscope in the corner and a rock polisher like when you were 12.”
“Shut up,” I said firmly, though it wasn’t too bad all things considered. The rock polisher and my collection were in the closet but that was one secret I planned on taking to my grave.
Max smirked. “But you have a chess set instead.”
“You can’t go very long without insulting me, can you?” I questioned, crossing my arms over my chest.
“I can’t help it. You make it so easy by having a chess set in your room.” The hard edge to his smirk seemed to wear off until he was wearing a silly grin, maybe even a fond one, and just like that any ire I felt at the teasing was gone.
Still. “I’ll just shut you up then,” I said decisively. The easy grin slipped off his face, and was I imagining the spark of heat in his eyes? Maybe he liked when my bossier side came out to play. I fought a shiver at the thought. He stalked over to me first though and claimed my lips in a fierce clash of tongues battling for dominance until he won and backed me up towards the bed. I was already breathing hard and felt giddy and eager. Okay, maybe I liked it when his bossier side came out to play too.
This was the first opportunity where we could actually take off all our clothes. We’d never seen each other fully naked. Maybe he’d have to sneak over more often. I didn’t want to give up the view of all that skin anytime soon.
Max and I used to look at my rock collection under a microscope in this room. Now we were on my bed, naked and tangled up in each other. Life was insane. My bed was spacious and big enough for two. I wondered idly what it would be like in his bed: if it was narrower, if we’d have no choice but to lay on top of each other.
I wanted to be as close as possible. From shoulders to toes, I was met with skin. I felt dizzy and drunk. That was probably why I rolled onto him and pushed him down onto the bed. My sheets and the pillow were blue, and Max stared at me with dark hair and dark eyes. He looked good. I didn’t see him in colors too often. Not that he was wearing them at the moment. He was wearing nothing. Nothing! It was still so thrilling, and I happily got lost in him.
I’d idly pondered taking gender and sexuality courses in college. That was the kind of titillating, rebellious thing kids like me did, learning about taboo, risqué topics in an academic setting and getting a thrill out of discussing social mores and their deviations. I’d surely learn eventually about how virginity was a construct, how my established thoughts on sexuality were outdated and heteronormative, so uh. I didn’t know exactly how far Max and I went, what, um, ‘base’ to put in laymen’s terms. There may not have been a traditional joining of our bodies but what we did still felt intimate, like taking a step, going all the way to me.
I shouldn’t be doing this with a boy who might not even like me back. I shouldn’t give this up without some kind of clue, but it didn’t feel like I was giving anything up. Or maybe I was, but I was also getting something in return: seeing Max like this, being the one to make him feel good.
It didn’t matter if it all went wrong later. I wanted this, to have him like this, even if it was only for a moment. This was something I could hold onto and remember: a time when I felt so strongly, when it felt like passion and emotion washed over me and I let myself down. I was usually the guy who always waited thirty minutes after eating to get in the water and applied sunblock rigorously. Now, I just dived in and let myself be consumed.
It felt like I could do anything, face anything. I was stronger because whatever happened, at least I had this once.
***
Max
Using the shower in Cal’s house was amazing. I don’t mind smelling like sex and another guy, kinda like it actually, but I got out of bed to use his anyway. It was everything I was expecting and more: so many buttons I didn’t know what half of them were and excellent water pressure. The shower after was almost as good as the sex.
Okay, no, it wasn’t. Still. It was pretty good.
For some reason, I didn’t leave after the shower. I went back to Cal’s room and peaked in. He had a bedside lamp on and the big nerd was reading while shirtless. I leaned on the doorframe and watched him. The flush that spread up his chest earlier was gone. All he needed were a pair of glasses to complete the nerdy picture. Unfair that he didn’t seem to need them. I did but used contacts instead now.
I hated my dad on general principal, so if I thought maybe I should listen to him for even a second, I was probably being a self-sabotaging idiot. Applying to school, admitting I liked Cal – that was all still scary as fuck. Except it was my way to scowl and bluster through things, so I had practice. I could do that with big stuff too. And maybe, just maybe, it would work out. I wasn’t admitting that I had hopes and desires or anything dangerous like that, but it wouldn’t hurt to put a little effort forth. It was worth it if I got nights like this with Cal. Besides, I couldn’t have anyone thinking I was scared. And wasn’t standing still because of fear just as bad as trying and failing, maybe worse?
I pondered various inane yet serious thoughts, for once feeling settled enough that I didn’t spook and run all while my heart did stupid, fond things while staring at Cal. Watching Cal without his knowledge was going to veer into creepy territory pretty soon, so I had to make a choice: stay or go. I walked in and shut the door, feeling gratified when he glanced at me for a moment and went back to his book like it was no big deal.
“Still can’t believe you have a chess set in here,” I said while walking in to his room.
I sat on the edge of the bed, and he put his book aside. “Do you know how to play?” he leaned forward in interest.
“I’m not a nerd like you,” I said, but without heat.
“You used to be.” He stared expectantly.
“Yes,” I said, exasperated. “I know how to play.”
He waggled his eyebrows like a moron and I didn’t have fond feelings about it. “Let’s play.” The eagerness was clear in his voice. “We could make a wager,” he suggested to entice me.
“Oh, we should definitely bet,” I said. I kept my face blank. I didn’t want Cal knowing how freaking adorable his enthusiasm was because he’d only use it against me. “Hey, I’m just asking for no reason, how much money do you have in your checking account?”
He rolled his eyes. “I wouldn’t recommend making extravagant bets. May I remind you I’m the one that has the chess set in his room?”
Yeah, I might be walking into a trap with this one. When in doubt, my strategy was to bluff and go down swinging, so I didn’t show any fear. “What are we going to bet?” I asked instead, leering a little.
“No, we’re not betting sexual favors.”
“Why not?”
“Tomorrow’s a school day. I’ll be exhausted tomorrow if we go a second round.”
“You’re no fun.”
He walked to me and pecked me on the lips. “We can bet sexual favors as long as the winner, me, can cash in on them next time.” He led me to the chess set.
I paused for a second and he looked at me expectantly. We didn’t really acknowledge that there would be a next time. We weren’t permanent enough to have guaranteed next times. At least, we weren’t before. It felt weird. I wanted to agree but didn’t. “Or maybe we shouldn’t bet,” he said after a moment. He looked unsure. “Do you want to play?”
“Sure. I’ll kick your ass,” I said.
“Again, I have the chess set in my room.” He smiled gently but seemed a bit hesitant now.
I didn’t think about my next words too much, just sat down across from him to play the game. “Which means after I win, you can p
ractice for next time.”
Cal kept his eyes on the pieces before him but the pleased grin on his face calmed my nerves. “Fair enough,” he replied lightly.
Admitting there would be a next time to this was scary as shit, so I focused on Cal instead, shirtless and being a nerd while he kicked my ass at chess. He kept smiling at me the whole night.
Good, maybe my stupid heart would get used to it.
Who am I kidding? It won’t.
plu̇r-ə-ˈdin-ē-ə, noun
Pain in the chest area
Relationship woes and a spelling bee causes plu̇r-ə-ˈdin-ē-ə.
Chapter 11
P-L-E-U-R-O-D-Y-N-I-A
Cal
I was going on a date with a boy. One thing I had to say for Max is that when he was done dancing around something, he was done. The next time I saw him, he asked if I wanted to go to dinner, just the two of us. When I said sure, he looked me in the eye and said, “This is a date.” It was almost too much directness for me. It must have shown on my face because he continued, “I know, I feel weird saying it too, but suck it up. We’re dating now or whatever.”
Max was a wrecking ball. Not in the cheesy pop song way. He could blaze into my life and tear everything down and dash out of it in a moment while I’m left to deal with the wreckage. That’s what bothers me. However, him being a guy?
I’d never been a boy scout but should have been. ‘Be prepared’ was one of my mottos in life. Having this big undefined part of me and not labeling it, analyzing it, finding a course of action, that was insanity for me. But with this… it was surprising, certainly a little overwhelming, and there’s terror, absolute terror, at the thought of my parents finding out. However, this feels like a part of myself I was waiting for a while to discover. Sure, I’m going to freak out about it occasionally and overthink it and panic but that’s because that’s what I do. If I wasn’t going to pretend it wasn’t there and I didn’t seem to be freaking out, what else was there to do but live with it?